Been a long night

[nicky666]

Hi.
I now I don't post often but I read all your wonderful comments all the time.

I did not realise I would be posting this in here though.

My husband told me last night that he does not find me attractive any more because I am overweight.
I am devastated.

I Understand this has nothing to do with the industry but needed to say something and feel I can't tell anyone close to me as it Is so embarrassing to admit it to those who know me.

Thanks.
Nicky

[PixieBeauty]

Oh love that's just awful to hear. My ex said something similar and although we were at the point of breaking up it still hurt.

I think this probably runs dapper than that though, it usually does sweetheart. Don't be fooled into thinking this all comes down to your weight, sex/relationships/intimacy are very complicated matters and you two will have a lot to talk about to work though this.

Sending a big virtual hug :hug: and chin up my lovely.

Nomatter what anyone tells you you have to love yourself first, everything else follows xxxxx

[loulou1968]

I'm sorry to hear how's he's behaved, I've just found out ( 1 week ago) that my fiancé is on a dating web site with my friends husband!! He's accused me of so many things ( which I haven't done) so now I have to make a decision whether to leave him??
As long as you can stand in front of a long mirror and say you love yourself and have support from friends and family then you will be fine, he will lose out!! Lots of love xx :)

[Only-me]

Oh Nicky how upsetting for you! You must feel pants right now...
You will have lots of things going through your mind, and prob question your marriage.

You have alot to think about and we here anytime for you.... Just take care sending you a hug xx 😢

[Only-me]

Loulou I know how that feels from my 'ex' husband he had been on it years ! Hope you make the right decision for you - good luck a sending you a hug too xx 😥

[lynn amber]

Sorry to hear that ,well if he can't love youfor what you are physically,than he will never love youfor how you areinside ,i think if youlove someone truly looks size etc dont come into it
. Men are so self absorbed ,walk away with as much dignity as you can because if size makes or brakes it for him he is going to be a very lonely old man ,big hugs ,if you have a beautiful personality you will always be loved by the people that can see past the outside x:-)
Sent from my LT18i using SalonGeek

[PixieBeauty]

Hmm...that's what my ex did too.

Not wanting to hijack the original thread - far from it - but tbh that's what my ex fiancé was doing and as we broke up he said it was cos he didn't fancy me any more.

We had lots of discussions during which I explained intimacy/commitment is NOT purely down to how thin the woman is (!!) I'm the same size now that I've always been (16) and now in a very healthy relationship.

I think some men find it difficult to get to the heart if a problem, and rest on the aesthetics.

Not saying its the same for anyone else's fella but it's still most important that you know YOU are FABulous inside & out (and you are).

Hoping all you lovely ladies get the outcome you need. On a side note - Relate have some excellent help/resources on offer xx

[nicky666]

Thank you for your lovely replies. The unfortunate he has hit the nail on the head as he knows that I do not like myself for the way I look. I work out minimum of four times a week but I am obviously not getting the food right as I still have a weight problem.

He reckons he loves me but cannot think of anything that he wants to do with me he just wants to be down the golf club 24/7 (allegedly).

We have 2 beautiful children but after 18 years of marriage that is obviously not enough.

He reckon he wants to stay together?!?!

Thanks for letting me air this on here.
Forwards and onwards.

Nicky

[pinkeedee]

Men!! They can be so insensitive and at times very shallow. I can't really offer any advice but i just want to say that if that's you in your little pic then you're a very attractive lady. A few extra pounds should not alter the way a partner feels about you if they truly love you. Sending you a big hug of support and hope you get things sorted out xx

[PixieBeauty]

I still think the most important thing is you love yourself top to toe...and the rest will follow.

Now I know that's so easy to say, but I'm really willing you to focus on yourself (rather than trying to please him) and the rest falls into place. Men love confident women they just sometimes don't know that.

Keep airing on here if it helps. Big hugs xx

[dandelionpoppy]

First of all you are lovely, and I'm sure you are feeling hurt, angry and confused.

It matters as to the context of how it was said. If in anger, then he has, perhaps, picked the thing that you feel sensitive about and put the knife in, rather than actually feeling that way.

If he really means it then in many ways it is his problem, inasmuch as he has a narrow and rather shallow idea of what being attractive is.

However, on the plus side, he has been able to be honest with you. He may have kept quiet, but he has expressed his feelings.

I hope that you can both work on this together.

BTW, dance classes are a great activity to do together.....

[Tinkes1980]

Oh sweetheart, as most of the above posters have said, my ex said the same to me for the last 3 yrs of our relationship. I'm 5'6 and was, at my biggest, a size 14, hardly morbidly obese!!! We've been separated 3 yrs and divorced for 1, in that time I've stayed at pretty much the same size, I'm happier in my skin, he on the other hand has piled in the weight and now looks like a watermelon walking around on a pair of cocktail sticks. Karma!!!
I'm not suggesting this is the end of your relationship, but I would sit down with your husband and talk about how he's made you feel. Men say things sometimes without realising how much it's going to hurt. If you're not happy with how you look maybe he could support you to get happy with yourself again.
Take care sweetheart xxx

[nicky666]

Thank you for all your replies.
I understand that I need to think better of myself to be happy, but that is really hard when you are constantly being put down.
My husband is master of throwing something out there and then not discussing it after, so that is what he is doing today.

Fingers crossed this works itself out. Not sure I can be on my own.

Nicky x

[EleganceChelt]

Thank you for all your replies.
I understand that I need to think better of myself to be happy, but that is really hard when you are constantly being put down.
My husband is master of throwing something out there and then not discussing it after, so that is what he is doing today.

Fingers crossed this works itself out. Not sure I can be on my own.

Nicky x

Sending Big hugs to you! Don't let anyone ever make you feel anything less than beautiful! Maybe it's you who needs to do the decision making because if my other half said that to me, frankly I think I'd find him ugly! Do what makes you happy in your heart! You deserve the best xxx

[happyfeet]

Awww nicky sorry to say this but what a jackass he is. Your avatar is beautiful (thats you).... Silly man!

I think the laster poster is spot on lovely. Dont let him put you down ever, beauty comes from within as well as outside, think of that lovely next time you 'look' at him.

Chin up my lovely.

Love n hugs x x x

[gr8nailz]

Abuse is abuse. Punches can be thrown verbally, too. The damage isn't visible because they don't bruise your flesh....they bruise your spirit.

Always value yourself. If you value yourself, then he will be forced to value you.

And never, and I mean NEVER, let anyone make you feel less than zero.

[PixieBeauty]

Really feel for you honey - my ex did a similar thing of refusing to talk about things but he did it to drive me mad. Sounds like your hubby maybe likes to dish it out but can't back it up? If that's the case (sorry if I'm wrong) you deserve better.

As for the not being on your own - I think a LOT of us could identify with that one. I was on my own for just two weeks (had a ball!) before I met someone else who made me realise what a jerk I'd been putting up with.

I think the ball is in your court hon, on this one - you don't deserve it - you decide if you're going to put up with it.

Thinking of you & sending a hug xx

[sarah_clancy]

What is it with men!

I'm a size 10-12, single mum, self employed working hard to save for a mortgage and my other half still says I should go out and do some exercise... As I'm "not how I was when we first met"

I think all we need is 50 shades of grey and a Christian Grey.... How happy would the world be then!

Chin up my lovely, there's only so much crap a girl can take

Mwahhhh xxx

[Adamantine]

Abuse is abuse. Punches can be thrown verbally, too. The damage isn't visible because they don't bruise your flesh....they bruise your spirit.

Always value yourself. If you value yourself, then he will be forced to value you.

And never, and I mean NEVER, let anyone make you feel less than zero.

Cannot agree with this more if I tried. I was in an abusive marriage. I didn't see it till I left. I was called fat, ugly, an embarrassment, told I needed to lose weight, he didn't fancy me any more along with the threats, stuff being thrown, being compared to stick thin matchsticks. No I have left him I've gone from a14 to a 10/12 and never been happier. He has ballooned like one of the other posters described her ex above.

Take control and don't let him call the shots. If you want to lose weight do it for you abd you alone. I can't help feeling like there is more to this than just him not being attracted to you anymore. What's wrong with playing golf together? Going for a walk together? Hell going to the gym together?!

[a little TLC]

Big hugs to you Nicky :hug: Be strong sweetie x

[dandelionpoppy]

Nicky, from your last post it seems that he is a serial offender.

My dancing idea was not as flippant as it sounds.
Personally, I would do this:

Find a dance class near you that you like. Book some secret, private lessons and swear the teacher to secrecy. Get confident in the steps and rhythm.
Wait until a "neutral" moment, smile sweetly at hubby and say "You know what? You made a good point the other evening. We DO need to find something to do together. And let's face it" (here, you pat him fondly on the tum and wink) "we've BOTH put on a bit of weight, haven't we? So, I've got you a present!" (handing over an envelope, in which there is a voucher for a/some dance classes)
He will probably say he doesn't want to go. If he's a golfer he's probably competitive, so say that you didn't have him down as someone who'd shy away from a challenge. He will either accept, or still refuse. In which case you go on your own; that's really important.
If he goes with you he will be surprised and - let's face it, girls- mortified to find that you are much more graceful, light-footed and all-round fabulous than he is. It will make him think, and give him a taste of humility.
If he doesn't go it might be even better! Dancing opens up all sorts of possibilities and is great for confidence building. And instead of you wondering what he's up to at the golf club, he will wonder what you're up to!
Good luck! xx

[BeautCuticle]

I feel like the monster here but I actually said that to my husband a few months ago. I hope I did it sensitively and I had to be honest because attraction is a big part of wanting to be with someone for me. Anyway I had worked really hard and lost 2 and a half stone and he was piling it on. Luckily for me he understood. He said I know you're right and now 3 months later he's running 4 times a week and has lost well over a stone and I feel so much better in our relationship!
All I know is honesty has always been the best policy for us and I am so glad I was honest rather than letting it get worse.
Men aren't so good at being 'sensitive' I guess.
Good luck, hope it works out.

[Becki2003]

Oh sweetie big hugs.
I didn't just want to read and run.
I was emotionally abused (I won't go into details) but my salon helped me restart my life. There is always hope, no matter what you decide to do.
Chin up xx

[An*Gel]

Hi Nicky,

I just want to give you a big hug :hug:

It's easy for us to tell you to love yourself and be confident etc, but it's easier said than done.

Sounds like your Hubbie is going through a mid life crisis and he's trying to pass the blame on you - and what better way of doing it then hitting you right where it hurts, so you feel it's all your fault.

Well... it's NOT YOUR FAULT!!

Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed... you have done absolutely nothing wrong here and although it's lovely to come here and chat with others, you also need to tell your friends; don't keep this to yourself or it'll eat you up.

:hug:

[essentia]

It does sound like a midlife crisis, you have had a long relationship and may be this is the time to revitalise things. Would he agree to counselling? I know some men do not like to examine their feelings but this could be the road to a fresh start if you could get him to go?. :hug:

[Joanne25]

(((((((( hugs )))))))

[Penners]

My husband hasn't ever said I need to lose weight BUT when he wants to get at me he says I need to exercise and goes on and on about it. my husband is 44 and having a lot if 'issues' at the moment, I am being emotionally abused (doesn't hurt to name it) and it hurts an awful lot. I'm currently reading a book called 'The irritable male syndrome' which I know sounds like a bit of a joke but it gives real insight into the whole 'mid-life crisis/male menopause thing which can stem from depression.
My husband is getting counselling - not you understand for his anger issues!! but because he feels down in the mornings. I think its working?? The outbursts are less frequent.
We can all fantasize about characters in books or films but we have to live with the ones we chose!:lick:

[gr8nailz]

Penners, good luck. I wish you the best, my love.

[Tracy_dane]

I dont post often here at all but I visit lots and love the place, But I have to honest and my OH who ive been with for 31 yrs got fat i have to admit Id not find him physically attractive!! Loving someone and lusting is different I think and if we were thin when we met and thats "our " type then how can that change!! yes im sure mr Kyle would slate me but its the truth and I think hes fab for being honest and truthful. Id rather an honest partner than a charmer that tells porkies xx

[mm29]

i kind of agree, he has been honest not deliberately hurtful,

my husband has told me i have put weight on since having the 3 girls im a size 10.. and its not nice to hear but its true and i would much rather he told me and support me than anything else.

its such a sensitive subject and i dont think however he said it, would have been nice to hear. if your happy with yourself then who cares but if your not ask him to help and support you.

be happy within yourself x

[Penners]

I think growing old together is a beautiful thing, we can remember how we were (or our husbands were) when we first met and that's great but we will all change as we get older its the 'law' (of gravity!!:o) better to love each other through it. Yes, encourage a healthy lifestyle but be comfortable in our own skin, I'm much happier and more relaxed and fun in our 16th year of marriage than I was in the first. My husband and I are pathetic in our nonsense groping when the kids aren't looking but its fun and keeps us laughing, which is the best medicine.
and act willing, even when you're not in the mood - you might surprise yourself - whether he or you has a paunch or not.:D

[happyfeet]

Both hubby and i have gained weight since we first got together.... still fancy the very bones of him and vice versa. But actually what makes me fancy him more is actually who he is :)

We help each other out if one of us wants to diet or live a healthier lifestyle, dont judge if one of us has indulged and giggle about our wobbly bits.... anyone remember the truffle shuffle?!? We both get a giggle on if one if us does it.

Love yourself honey, even your jiggly bits. Imho weight shouldnt be an issue between hubby and wife what should matter is the time you spend with one another, how you look after each other and how you help each other.

Ive said it once ill say it again lovely your avatar is that of pretty lady :)

[gr8nailz]

If you accept yourself as beautiful and sensual, that will emanate through every pore of your skin. You will literally drip beauty and sensuality. Believe it with every bit of your being and he will see it in you.

I've said it on the forums before. I'm not young, nor thin and I'm no beauty, but I'll make a man stop in his tracks because I think I'm all that. You need to feel that, too.

Get your groove back and watch him reconnect.