Mums with teenage boys, advice needed urgently

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by New2beauty, Jul 16, 2017.

  1. New2beauty
     
     
    Hi all,

    I'm sorry it's so long but I'm desperate so if you can please read!

    I'm having problems with my 13 (soon to be 14) year old son. Since leaving primary school he has been getting gradually worse. In primary he was brilliant, doing extremely well academically, socially, all round a great kid. Never once got called into school for him.

    Starts high school in 2015, instantly super popular with the boys and girls. Had his first fight and knocked the boy out...literally knocked him out. The poor boy had to go to hospital. Well my sons popularity grew and grew. He was the 'hardest kid' in year 7.

    At the start of year 8 we moved him schools and it just got worse from there...fighting, arguing, then came shoplifting. Each time we grounded him took away his privileges (phone, Xbox,tv, internet) it worked for a while.

    He ended up getting excluded (permanently) from school. And ended up in a 'naughty school' for want of a better word! The school is a joke. It's run from an old community centre, a few of the teachers look old enough to be my daughters! They do half an hour of maths and half an hour of English on a morning and then go on trips all day everyday and they return to school at 1:30 write 3 lines about what they have done and finish at 1:45! I don't agree with treating children who don't/won't behave! Is that wrong? (Children who can't is different) my younger son has Aspergers amongst other things and his behaviour is challenging but I can cope with that.

    Since then my lovely, quiet, studious little boy has turned into a monster. The kids he goes to school with are troubled (most of them) they smoke (cigs and weed), shoplift, rob each other etc. You get the picture.

    Anyway my son has been grounded since he got excluded from school. On the 4 occasions he has been allowed out he has been caught smoking weed (once) shoplifting (once) fighting and smoking cigs. We got him a weekend job to keep him off the streets, give him jobs at home etc. Before he went to that school he had never sworn at a teacher I mean he would give me lip as teenagers do and he was lazy as sin but never disrespectful to other adults. Now he is always swearing at teachers,throwing things, tantruming at them. He got robbed at knife point the other week by his "friend".

    According to my son it's now my fault (it's never his fault) but now it's mine for grounding him. I should let him live his life. I agree to a point and I want to but every time I trust him he does something utterly ridiculous and I'm so worried he is going to end up either an addict, in jail or dead. I am over protective I admit. I lost my brother 11 years ago to someone spiking his drink. Which obviously impacts my parenting.

    Please if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated xx
     
  2. Sparklegem53
     
     
    I didn't want to read and not reply, although I don't have any advice that could help i hope the situation gets better for you.

    I think your son is at the age where they start to rebel and do stupid stuff, make mistakes, it might be just a phase. I do think he needs to realise what he's doing is wrong and hopefully he soon will. Have you tried speaking to him about how it's affecting you and family, the people who he associates with are often the influence he may be just getting in with the wrong crowds and showing off in all the wrong ways to 'look good' or try be 'popular.'

    Have you tried approaching in a different way, maybe if he has to odd friend(s) that's not a bad influence, invite them round let them play games if they like them, or something to get him out that might make him realise he can have fun and he doesn't need to do the stuff he's doing, May sound stupid and you've probably gone over a million times stuff you could try to help him.

    I hope you manage to find a solution and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel try keep strong! Sorry to here about your brother x
     
  3. New2beauty
     
     
    Aw thank you sparklegem for your reply. It means a lot. I think I sometimes forget that teenagers do bad stuff lol when I think back to what I was like as a teen I actually feel sorry for my mother (a bit lol).

    It's like no matter how many conversations I have (including civil conversations right up to shouting matches) it doesn't sink in. Had a big heart to heart Wednesday promises were made on both sides and Thursday he stole a cigarette out of my bag! He has a weekend job for which he gets paid and still steals money from me/Dad/brother/sisters.

    I think you are right he does do things to be popular and cool with his mates and he always wants to be the best and have the best.

    I'll try and remind myself he's just a teenager, he needs to make mistakes and learn from them. I want to try not to be so hard on him. I just want so much for him. He's so clever and could do/be anything he wants if he would just use that brain of his!!

    We used to be so close he would cry on my shoulder when he fell out with his girlfriend, although he will still tell me some of the things going on in his life every now and again I feel like I'm losing the boy I knew. Sometimes it's like living with a stranger.

    Sorry for the long post (again) Thanks again xx

    Edited to say he's just lost his weekend job for being rude and lazy :mad:
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2017
    Sparklegem53 likes this.
  4. ciderella71
     
     
    I have 3 kids but not really sure I can offer much help either I'm afraid.
    My son is 12 and is so different to my girls (older and younger).
    He's so disrespectful to me and can really upset me however he does well at school and is polite to others. I am hard on him though when he goes too far.
    I really feel for you as I'd struggle to cope as I know how difficult I find it at times x
     
  5. New2beauty
     
     
    Thanks Cinderella71, I have 4 little monsters lol. They are getting to be big monsters now though. They are 13,12,10 and 7. 2 boys and 2 girls. Oh the joys of parenthood! How old are yours?

    I agree my boys are so different to my girls. My eldest daughter is so different to her brother school didn't even realise they were related despite having the same surname!! She is amazing, so lovely, helpful and polite. Whereas my oldest son is just hard bloody work!

    It's so hard when you love them with everything you have and they are rude and disrespectful isn't it? I feel for you there. On a positive note at least your son is polite and well behaved for others. I wish mine would take a leaf out of his book! Xx
     
    ciderella71 likes this.
  6. Sparklegem53
     
     
    I think all teenagers go through a bad patch some worse then others, I do too my poor mum must have been so stressed sometimes with me and my brothers. As a mum your bound to worry my little girls only two and I worry so much already about little stuff I dread to think what I'll be like when she's older haha!

    Oh dear hopefully some time soon something will make him realise.

    I think your doing great, you know he could achieve a lot if he put his mind to it he just needs to realise that, I think at that age teenagers tend to do there own thing more and may seem different (like strangers) in the way they start acting, my brothers just gone 16 he was really close to my mum then they got distant for around a year and half but there back pretty close again now.

    I think the fact he still knows he can talk to you and does even if it's not all the time is good. I don't know what to suggest about the job but I hope your okay and manage to sort stuff soon x
     
  7. fluffy26
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    @New2beauty you sound like your doing an amazing job to me!! Look he's a normal unruly teenager trying to find his way in the world, & pushing boundaries & you are a good mum with certain expectations of him! (So you are probably going to clash a lot during his teenage years!) with lots of "it's not fair!" "My friends are all allowed!" (& my personal favourite) "l hate you!!"
    You sound like you are firm but fair, with, of course, his best interests at heart! I think being a teenager in the 21st century is really hard too, with all the social media letting them know exactly what their friends are upto & what they are missing out on when they are not there! Which I think totally adds fuel to the fire! My eldest isn't quite a teenager yet, so as far as any practical advice goes, what your already doing sounds exactly how I would handle things.
    If you want a little light at the end of the tunnel my cousin was exactly like your son & is a successful OT in the army & has been for years now!
    These times won't last forever, remain consistent with your parenting, don't back down! It's actually proven kids thrive on boundaries (even thought they don't like it at times!) It gives them a sense of comfort & security & even though teenagers like to think they know it all & are all grown up, in reality they really don't want to be responsible for themselves at this point in their lives! Ultimately teenagers do want to gain their parents trust as this is the pathway to greater freedom & ultimately adult independence.
    To put it clearly kids who have clear boundaries fair better behaviourally than those who don't, so keep doing what your doing & stay strong!! We are parents, so we are often going to be disliked by our children, but popularity is of no importance to us!!!
     
    attitude likes this.
  8. ShootingStar
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Sounds like you have done the best you can do at this point. Too bad I cant offer any advice on how to fix this. It is kinda hard raising teenagers these days. One minute they are your happy little angel and the next moment they are rebelling against you. Hoping you can fix this.
     
  9. PicklePie
     
     
     
    I agree the teenage years are a nightmare! Have you tried getting your son reinstated at his original school? If he was doing well there previously it might be an option and it may help him to make positive changes to his friendship group - it sounds like neither the school or the circles he is mixing in are helping the situation.

    Unfortunately, friends and the Internet are the main cause of my anxiety around my kids but I have to accept that I was no angel and that technology has moved on significantly since I was a teenager.....the fact that I didn't have a mobile phone til I was 29 is a great source of amusement to my kids

    Have you thought of enrolling in parenting classes? It helped me to put things into perspective and realise that my kids are normal and that i am actually a great parent which I was starting to doubt. They are usually free and you can find out about them from your local children's centre.

    The other thing I have learned is that the worst punishment you can give is to take away the technology. They hate it and will tow the line for ages after a spell without a phone and an iPad as it's their connection to their social circles. Mobiles for safety are really just for parents benefit and if they can't phone their friends, they don't tend to go out much anyway. It's really worth giving it a go. Good luck and let us know how you get on.
     
    ciderella71 likes this.
  10. PicklePie
     
     
     
    Oh and I agree with previous posters about consistent parenting. Proper boundaries are key and kids respond to them and respect you for enforcing them - they will have little respect for the parent that tries to be their friend rather than their parent.
     
  11. skirlbrain
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Have you tried to spoke to him heart to heart?
     

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