Bit of a rant as feeling rather stunned & confused

[littlemissm]

My mum & her husband of 25yrs moved to Spain back in 2007. My mum passed away end of June last yr(2014) , myself & 2 sisters helped arrange the funeral & my mum was cremated & her husband said that every birthday ect he would light a candle that sits in top of the urn he was really cut up about the whole thing & was inconsolable. A few days ago I get a phone call from my mums husband saying he was sending some boxes over with my mums stuff in & then he asked me what I wanted to do with the ashes. This really threw me as we all presumed he was going to keep them, he said if we didn't want them then he will scatter them on the beach. I said no send them back to the UK. After speaking with my older sister I find out that he has met someone else, he met a lady in a bar back I. October only 4 months after my mum passed. I now have a lot of thoughts going through my head & I'm very confused as to what's going on. We are all shocked that the urn is being shipped over to us rather than staying with him in Spain.

 

[Emily S]

I too would be shocked as it may feel to you all like he's just forgot about her.

However, having the ashes there may be too much of a reminder of the pain from losing her and may be stopping him mentally /physically moving on.

4 months will seem rather quick to anyone but I guess in life we have to realise not only do we all deal with grief differently but he's lost a different relationship to what anyone else has, your mum will always be your mum, completely irreplaceable but as a partner they're a companion who you grow old with and maybe that's how he's feeling right now, that he just wants a companion with him...

It doesn't mean he's forgotten about your mum, this could all be part of his grief as sad as it makes you feel

Sorry for your loss x

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[surf girl]

This sort of thing has happened to a family member of mine. His gf's mum died at quite a young age and it was deverstating for the family, (my family member lived with them during the illness and passing) then within a few months the dad had a new person on the scene! It's very confusing for the kids (grown kids mind 18+) they're very angry about it. It's awful to see them go through it but unfortunately there's nothing anyone can do. As said above it may just be the way the widow deals with it, it's just sad they don't give a thought to how the kids feel

 

[littlemissm]

It's the fact he is shipping the ashes over when he knows she wouldn't have wanted to come back to England. My mum didn't raise us kids as she left us with my dad when I was 4 (I'm the youngest of 4kids) none of us have had a good stable relationship with her, myself not having spoken to her for 3 yrs prior to her death. My mums mum is still alive & she is disgusted with the whole situation as she was more or less frozen out by the husband. I was the one who told my nan she had died. We have decided that we are going to bury the ashes with my grandad.

 

[AcidPerm]

How upsetting for you.

My husband kept his late wife's ashes for several years (in our house) until his children were mature adults and could decide where they wanted to scatter them. His late wife's mother was alive when her daughter died and mother-in-law wanted to scatter the ashes herself but my husband felt it was up to the children to decide.
Obviously, he had to wait for them to grow up first.

I don't know but perhaps he felt that you deserve to make the decision as her only offspring? I think that burying the ashes with your grandad is a good final resting place.

Try not to feel hurt by his actions but I do think that bereaved men find new partners much more quickly than bereaved women do. I don't think they cope so well in their own. I had a family member bereaved at a young age and he met someone new very quickly. However, he and his wife were utterly devoted to each other and he was devastated when she died. It was hard to imagine a more devoted and loving partnership than theirs.
His new partner seems very nice and I'd rather he had someone special in his life than stay lonely and miserable on his own.

 

[squidgernetball]

I agree with AcidPerm.
Men are often very quick to find a new partner although my step mother moved on very quickly after my dad died.
I saw it as a testament to their truly loving relationship that after one dies they just can't bear to be alone.

I also think 'walk a mile in these shoes'.
He may feel quite isolated in Spain!

Thoughts are with you x

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[littlemissm]

Thank you for the replies, I'm trying not to be judgemental but it's hard. He said when we received the urn after the funeral that he was going to keep them & when he dies have his ashes placed with hers. There's lots of other stuff going on & it's turning out to be a big mess & now this on top. Feeling rather frustrated. He isn't isolated as such as his mum & dad live around the corner from him & he has plenty of friends.