End of marriage

[Rockinthe80s]

I believe my marriage is about to end!

We've been having problems ever since we got married, I never got accepted into his family properly, always felt isolated. I got into real heavy depression because of this and generally friends around me etc.

I have tried so hard with members of his family, even tho they never bother with me and ALL for my husbands sake. I put aside my anxiety, depression, so that I could make him happy, all the while I felt tortured by their lack of effort and my anxiety. But, he's never done much for me. Wasn't there for me at my lowest moments, all everyone was worried about was when I was going to get better so I can start doing all their s**t for them again.

So, anyhow, I always get blamed for everything. He's so lazy, doesn't do anything for himself. The only thing he can manage is going to work, other than that he won't take on any responsibility for anything. Thank god we don't have kids, I don't know how I would cope. I do all the cleaning, cooking, wash the clothes, do all the admin jobs, basically run the house. Even DIY, he won't take the time to figure out how to fix something. He even wanted me to do his CV for him, I told him to jog on.

Hes always in a strop when he returns home from work. He's nice to me for first five mins, then he gets moody and it's basically like that for majority of night. I try to make conversation, I get frosty and hostile responses. If I ask a question, I get snapped at. I am fed up of treading on eggshells when I'm around him. He doesn't take me out anywhere, we can't afford holidays, he's not affectionate towards me, we can't even conceive because of this. Yet, he cries like a baby if he feels I may leave him after an argument.

Yesterday: typical argument. I get blamed for everything as usual. He was in a mood because I needed him to go to the supermarket when he returned from work and instead of saying what his problem is, he's just snappy at me and I often have no idea why.

Then we get into an argument about wasting food. Apparently I'm to blame for this, for several reasons, including my cooking isn't like his mums, I dish up too much (lol he dishes his own plate up), I cook too much of the food he doesn't like (I NEvER cook anything that i know is disliked by him) and other rubbish I can't remember. Most of the time I try to ignore his tantrums because they occur several times in a day, but I'm only human and it's not in me to be able to do this on each occasion.

I told him what for, as I can't stand that I get the blame for everything! He chucks my new iPhone across the room, then starts chucking screwed up paper in my face and wishing me dead.

I walk out the room, he follows me, screaming and shouting. I lock myself in the bathroom because I have nowhere else to go to get away and he breaks the door down. I can't bear to listen to him going on and on. It makes me crazy. So, I put my hand over his mouth to shut him up, and was verbally abusive. he wouldn't leave me alone. I know I shouldn't have done this, I was wrong.

Then, he chucks me onto the sofa, drags me off it by my neck. Drags me across the floor, by my neck from the living room into the kitchen. I couldn't even. I could barely breathe and I have bruises around my neck. He then chucks me back on the sofa, before chucking me back on he floor landing badly on my back. I have no strength to fight him back, I can't even control where I land. He says it's not hitting and Im a troublemaker. Everything he does to me, he accuses me of having done to me, it's strange he genuinely believes this I think. But it's like he's talking about himself, but he's accusing me of those things.

So all in all, there is no marriage here really. We can't even be civil to one another. My hearts become numb. I just wanted to get this out of my system, i can't share this with anyone else. Sorry such a long post.

 

[beauty bits]

You have no children, so their are no ties to him. His behaviour is unacceptable. If I was in your shoes I would be packing a small bag while he's not there and leaving, never to return. Or go to the police and have him removed from the house. Personally I would pack up and leave, life is too short. I would also make a complaint to the police xxx

 

[Trinity]

You sound so sad and defeated by it all :hug:

There is never a good excuse for pushing or throwing someone around, man, woman or child :sad:

You know what you need to do, but finding the strength to leave will initially be the hardest thing you have ever done, however, in a few days/weeks/months you will look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did.

Preparation is the key to getting out. Be sure you have all of your important documents (passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank statement, car insurance, etc.) in a safe place, preferably out of the house.

Men like your husband will become childish and vindictive when you take back control. This often results in things like hiding important documents, freezing bank accounts, hiding car keys, etc. You need to be prepared and to plan.

It will become easier as you get things in place, as tempting as it is to just walk out you need to be cleverer than him.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't make it out first time, or even second, as much as he hurts you, you married this man so you must have loved each other at some point so the temptation to stay and hope he changes/realises is hard to resist.

Stay safe and stay strong

 

[tonicj]

First of all, it's good that you have opened up here to talk about this, since you don't seem to have anyone else. We will all try to help you as much as possible. Really sorry this is happening to you!

From what you say, this behaviour is unacceptable. From his lack of support to you regarding his family and his mental and physical abuse towards you. This must not go on any longer. Each day it goes on is a day too long. Do you want to be with him anymore? When you can answer this honestly you will then be able to begin to take steps forward. Don't be too quick to forgive whenever he comes sobbing as this will be his manipulative side kicking in as well! :hug:

 

[tonicj]

You sound so sad and defeated by it all :hug:

There is never a good excuse for pushing or throwing someone around, man, woman or child :sad:

You know what you need to do, but finding the strength to leave will initially be the hardest thing you have ever done, however, in a few days/weeks/months you will look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did.

Preparation is the key to getting out. Be sure you have all of your important documents (passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank statement, car insurance, etc.) in a safe place, preferably out of the house.

Men like your husband will become childish and vindictive when you take back control. This often results in things like hiding important documents, freezing bank accounts, hiding car keys, etc. You need to be prepared and to plan.

It will become easier as you get things in place, as tempting as it is to just walk out you need to be cleverer than him.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't make it out first time, or even second, as much as he hurts you, you married this man so you must have loved each other at some point so the temptation to stay and hope he changes/realises is hard to resist.

Stay safe and stay strong

Excellent advice!

 

[Daisy Digits]

Whatever you decide to do, please be careful. He may harm you more severely next time. My Mum was in a marriage like this for too many years. It damaged me and my brothers beyond belief. Sad as it is, I'm glad you don't have children.....for their sakes and yours. I hope you have the strength and courage to get out of this chaos while you still can. Take on board the very good advice above, and I hope all goes well for you. :hug: This is from me in memory of my Mum, who put up with far too much x

 

[Rockinthe80s]

Whatever you decide to do, please be careful. He may harm you more severely next time. My Mum was in a marriage like this for too many years. It damaged me and my brothers beyond belief. Sad as it is, I'm glad you don't have children.....for their sakes and yours. I hope you have the strength and courage to get out of this chaos while you still can. Take on board the very good advice above, and I hope all goes well for you. :hug: This is from me in memory of my Mum, who put up with far too much x

I'm sorry this happened to your mum daisy digits x

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I remember your thread from a few months back about his family. You were so unhappy then, and it appears things have got worse. They will get even worse if you don't leave. Do you have somewhere to go? Family of your own?

Please don't take any more of this abuse. You don't deserve it. Get out (once you've got all the things you need). Do it unexpectedly while he's at work one day. Don't hint at it, just go. Leave a note so he knows you weren't abducted. But don't tell him where you are. Don't meet up with him. Communicate via email or text so you've got it all in writing. Then get a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Please also keep in touch on here as we want to help you.

 

[Rockinthe80s]

Thanks for your replies lovely ladies.

Tonicj, I feel that I wanted to give our marriage it's best shot, but I try so hard all the time and he doesn't. Apparently he's always been moody according to his mum, but I never saw this side of him when we were in a relationship. It's like he changed when we got married.

But you're right, I never saw his tears as manipulation. But I always forgive him when he's sobbing and telling me how sorry he is. But he's still adamant that I always start the row, I don't believe is the case. He barely ever talks to me in the correct tone. He always sounds nasty or aggressive nowadays. The nice moments with him now are few and far between. I've always thought he was loving, and we just have bad fights, but I've changed my mind.

Now, I just think he's a fake. I always believe he's so sorry, but he does it again and again. He's never hit me, like punched me or anything. But, he drags me around on my back across floors, puts his hands around my neck tight. Pushes me around, jumps on top of me and holds my head down. I am always left with bruises.

I want out, I need the strength to do it. I work from home, so my business is run here. I need to find somewhere to go and time to sort out what to do. I'm embarrassed to speak to anyone or for anyone in my life to find out what's going on.

I put my hands up. I'm no angel, I have a potty mouth when I'm at the end of my tither.

 

[tonicj]

Thanks for your replies lovely ladies.

Tonicj, I feel that I wanted to give our marriage it's best shot, but I try so hard all the time and he doesn't. Apparently he's always been moody according to his mum, but I never saw this side of him when we were in a relationship. It's like he changed when we got married.

But you're right, I never saw his tears as manipulation. But I always forgive him when he's sobbing and telling me how sorry he is. But he's still adamant that I always start the row, I don't believe is the case. He barely ever talks to me in the correct tone. He always sounds nasty or aggressive.

Now, I just think he's a fake. I always believe he's so sorry, but he does it again and again. He's never hit me, like punched me or anything. But, he drags me around on my back across floors, puts his hands around my neck tight. Pushes me around, jumps on top of me and holds my head down. I am always left with bruises.

I want out, I need the strength to do it. I work from home, so my business is run here. I need to find somewhere to go and time to sort out what to do. I'm embarrassed to speak to anyone or for anyone in my life to find out what's going on.

I put my hands up. I'm no angel, I have a potty mouth when I'm at the end of my tither.

This is not a marriage! He's a manipulative bully!! What he is doing to you physically is no different to hitting and he is emotionally abusing you too by trying to get you to believe that it's your fault. He knows he can do this to you and then cry and get upset and you will forgive him. You sound like a good and caring person to me. It's time for you to take good care of yourself now. If you don't and continue to forgive him, you will be having the same problems 10 years from now! Ask for help. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You need help and support right now xx

 

[anna592]

I believe my marriage is about to end!

We've been having problems ever since we got married, I never got accepted into his family properly, always felt isolated. I got into real heavy depression because of this and generally friends around me etc.

I have tried so hard with members of his family, even tho they never bother with me and ALL for my husbands sake. I put aside my anxiety, depression, so that I could make him happy, all the while I felt tortured by their lack of effort and my anxiety. But, he's never done much for me. Wasn't there for me at my lowest moments, all everyone was worried about was when I was going to get better so I can start doing all their s**t for them again.

So, anyhow, I always get blamed for everything. He's so lazy, doesn't do anything for himself. The only thing he can manage is going to work, other than that he won't take on any responsibility for anything. Thank god we don't have kids, I don't know how I would cope. I do all the cleaning, cooking, wash the clothes, do all the admin jobs, basically run the house. Even DIY, he won't take the time to figure out how to fix something. He even wanted me to do his CV for him, I told him to jog on.

Hes always in a strop when he returns home from work. He's nice to me for first five mins, then he gets moody and it's basically like that for majority of night. I try to make conversation, I get frosty and hostile responses. If I ask a question, I get snapped at. I am fed up of treading on eggshells when I'm around him. He doesn't take me out anywhere, we can't afford holidays, he's not affectionate towards me, we can't even conceive because of this. Yet, he cries like a baby if he feels I may leave him after an argument.

Yesterday: typical argument. I get blamed for everything as usual. He was in a mood because I needed him to go to the supermarket when he returned from work and instead of saying what his problem is, he's just snappy at me and I often have no idea why.

Then we get into an argument about wasting food. Apparently I'm to blame for this, for several reasons, including my cooking isn't like his mums, I dish up too much (lol he dishes his own plate up), I cook too much of the food he doesn't like (I NEvER cook anything that i know is disliked by him) and other rubbish I can't remember. Most of the time I try to ignore his tantrums because they occur several times in a day, but I'm only human and it's not in me to be able to do this on each occasion.

I told him what for, as I can't stand that I get the blame for everything! He chucks my new iPhone across the room, then starts chucking screwed up paper in my face and wishing me dead.

I walk out the room, he follows me, screaming and shouting. I lock myself in the bathroom because I have nowhere else to go to get away and he breaks the door down. I can't bear to listen to him going on and on. It makes me crazy. So, I put my hand over his mouth to shut him up, and was verbally abusive. he wouldn't leave me alone. I know I shouldn't have done this, I was wrong.

Then, he chucks me onto the sofa, drags me off it by my neck. Drags me across the floor, by my neck from the living room into the kitchen. I couldn't even. I could barely breathe and I have bruises around my neck. He then chucks me back on the sofa, before chucking me back on he floor landing badly on my back. I have no strength to fight him back, I can't even control where I land. He says it's not hitting and Im a troublemaker. Everything he does to me, he accuses me of having done to me, it's strange he genuinely believes this I think. But it's like he's talking about himself, but he's accusing me of those things.

So all in all, there is no marriage here really. We can't even be civil to one another. My hearts become numb. I just wanted to get this out of my system, i can't share this with anyone else. Sorry such a long post.

I really feel for you. I know first hand what its like to suffer with both anxiety and depression and also abusive relationships physically, verbally and mentally.

Trinity has given some good advice and you defo need to plan and have all important documents removed from the house.

I'm unsure on if you have any family/friends you are close to and can rely on to help.

As been said it is about staying strong, fighting through each day and remembering that things can get better but will take a little time to be fully prepared to get there.

Only you can make things better and I hate to say it, but I don't think your husband will change.

Feel free to message me if you want a private chat.

P.s...make sure you don't leave yourself logged into salongeek or emails if using a home PC x

Sent from my GT-I9505 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[HelenT59]

I'm a social worker and have worked with so many families who have gone through what you are describing. This is domestic violence whether it has happened once or ten times. Yes you need to go but be careful. It a known fact that when those who have been hit decide to leave, the other party can become more aggressive as you are at your most vulnerable. Have an action plan in place. Let others know what is happening, when you decide to go, have a friend who you can go to, stay with someone, don't stay alone in a new place for first few day. U will be surprised when u confide in friends how they may have known or may have done through similar and they will support you. I would also advise that whilst your in the house you have an action plan if this happens again. For example have your phone on you, have a particular person on speed dial who knows what the problems are...when u ring whether it's just a hang up call they will know something is wrong. Is there somewhere in the house eg bathroom..that's tour place of safety. Get there and call police or friend or both. Stay there until someone comes. I would really recommend you also link in with your local womens aid or domestic abuse agency. They are private and confidential and will offer support while never compromising your safety's they will help you arrange how to leave safely and have somewhere to go, so you are at less risk

 

[Kirstyj1]

Massive hugs to you Hun.
You DO NOT deserve to be treat like that, I really hope you find the strength to leave, sooner rather then later xx

 

[Nicolahayley]

I've just watched murdered by my boyfriend that was on on Monday night bbc3! It was the hardest most uncomfortable thing I've ever watched!! Ever!!

All I could think through it was how blessed I am that I'm not controlling and posesesive and that im so lucky that my boyfriend isn't either.
And that if unfortunately it did happen to me... I would get out no matter what! But unless you are in that horrible position how do you know what u would do?

If you don't feel safe, you don't trust him, you don't feel valued, you don't feel loved.... Then you are not free!! You are locked in a cage where nobody will ever accept you on his side.

So get yourself out and surround yourself with people who do love you, who do care and who you are safe with!! But don't ever feel bad cos your marriage broke down! Shame on him because he's failed as a husband! He's failed to stand by his vows of loving, honouring and protecting you!!

Don't feel bad cos his family don't accept you... Stand up for yourself and don't accept anyone into YOUR life who doesn't deserve to be there!!!!

I hope you feel more positive soon!! Xxxxxx

 

[Zoe1303]

You sound so sad and defeated by it all :hug:

There is never a good excuse for pushing or throwing someone around, man, woman or child :sad:

You know what you need to do, but finding the strength to leave will initially be the hardest thing you have ever done, however, in a few days/weeks/months you will look back and wonder why you stayed as long as you did.

Preparation is the key to getting out. Be sure you have all of your important documents (passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank statement, car insurance, etc.) in a safe place, preferably out of the house.

Men like your husband will become childish and vindictive when you take back control. This often results in things like hiding important documents, freezing bank accounts, hiding car keys, etc. You need to be prepared and to plan.

It will become easier as you get things in place, as tempting as it is to just walk out you need to be cleverer than him.

Don't be too hard on yourself if you don't make it out first time, or even second, as much as he hurts you, you married this man so you must have loved each other at some point so the temptation to stay and hope he changes/realises is hard to resist.

Stay safe and stay strong

Such amazing advice!

Honestly, you deserve so much better than to be unhappy and this is not normal or acceptable, and most importantly not your fault.

It won't be like this forever, but only you can stop this xx

 

[Trinity]

I'm a social worker and have worked with so many families who have gone through what you are describing. This is domestic violence whether it has happened once or ten times. Yes you need to go but be careful. It a known fact that when those who have been hit decide to leave, the other party can become more aggressive as you are at your most vulnerable. Have an action plan in place. Let others know what is happening, when you decide to go, have a friend who you can go to, stay with someone, don't stay alone in a new place for first few day. U will be surprised when u confide in friends how they may have known or may have done through similar and they will support you. I would also advise that whilst your in the house you have an action plan if this happens again. For example have your phone on you, have a particular person on speed dial who knows what the problems are...when u ring whether it's just a hang up call they will know something is wrong. Is there somewhere in the house eg bathroom..that's tour place of safety. Get there and call police or friend or both. Stay there until someone comes. I would really recommend you also link in with your local womens aid or domestic abuse agency. They are private and confidential and will offer support while never compromising your safety's they will help you arrange how to leave safely and have somewhere to go, so you are at less risk

Helen has given you some excellent advice, and I would second the Womens Aid agency, they are amazing, so supportive and will do as much or as little as you want them to do to assist you. They also know that you may not get out first time, but they will still be there for you.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you

 

[virtues2011]

I have a slightly different thought process to this thread.

Take the violence part out for a minute if you would.

Your husband sounds as equally miserable as you do. Maybe he doesn't want to come home to you but has no way of telling you how he feels. I'm reading between the lines on your post a little and I don't believe it is all one sided, it rarely is. I don't see anywhere in your post about talking or asking why your husband is so unhappy. Maybe nether of you talk to each other, only you know your relationship but some of the things I have picked up on is your depression and anxiety, these are very hard to disguise all of the time - you feeling tortured by his families lack of effort with you..what did you want from them? Acceptance? why? - I know very few people that worry about their other halves family.

I think you both have issues that need addressing, why don't you try and both go to relate if you are serious about saving your relationship?...if he doesn't want to go then you have tried the best you can, if you don't love him anymore then there is nothing to go for (the same applies to him) as for the fight....reading your post it was a one off, no excuses for violence...although I once threw a can of tinned tomatoes at my then boyfriends head in the middle of a row, knocked him clean on the floor, then I chased him into the bathroom with a butter knife while he swung me around like a ragdoll by my hair! And the police were called.!.....We got over it and laughed about it for a very long time.

 

[HelenT59]

There's a thin line between what is domestic violence and what is a one off. This is domestic abuse. No debating about it.

 

[virtues2011]

There's a thin line between what is domestic violence and what is a one off. This is domestic abuse. No debating about it.

Is it not a one off then?

Maybe I should step out of the ring at this point as I very rarely believe these posts are all one sided. It would be interesting to read the thoughts from the husband. Obviously I hope the OP is safe and can find a resolution to her problems.

 

[dandelionpoppy]

It doesn't sound like a one-off . The OP uses the word "always".

It doesn't really matter what we our general views on marriage problems are. It sounds like there is a real risk involved here; once a line is stepped over there may be escalation.

Some great practical advice from knowledgeable geeks; I truly hope it all works out.