Family advice needed

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smallandcute

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Hi all.

I hope this is ok to have a little rant about and any advice would be great as well.

At the grand age of 27 i still have issues with my mum. I love her dearly but she really doesnt respect my wishes or opinions. She just shuts me down or tells me off like im a toddler.

My 90 yr old grandma who i have always adored is in hospital after falling through the back door and breaking her hip. She has had a hip replacement and is still in hospital as she has developed some minor issues from the surgery. My grandparents home needs to be assessed and equipment put into the home before she can be discharged and were waiting on a date for this.

I couldnt get the time off of work to go and see her and as usual my mum has planned everything around my sisters schedule and i have been told i have to sort myself out and go with them. When making plans mum never bothers to ask when i free to do things she just expects me to be there when she clicks her fingers. For example i have a weeks holiday coming up, nothing special but need some down time. When telling mum this the first thing she said was oh good me and the oh can go away and you can look after the dogs. Shes then pestered me for my holiday dates demanding i give them so she can book some time away. Not once has she asked what my plans were and if i would mond looking after her girls. (Btw i love them dearly and its always a joy to look after them). Reluctently i have given them tonight after another argument with her demanding things from me. When i stay at my mums whilst shes away though she demands i can the house, do laundry etc to the point that she gives me a list and then checks everything is done before i leave! Oh and i have to go find my own food etc as well.

Anyway tonights issue has really made me realise just how much my mum demands of me. Mum wants me along with the sis and her to go down to my grandparents to get the house deep cleaned (and boy does it need it!) before grandma comes out of hospital to which i have no issue with this. However the house is falling apart around them, there is mould and damp on the walls, there is a good inch of dust on every surface, i hate to think the last time the oven was cleaned and a tonne more besides. To make matters worse when mum and sis last stayed the other week there was a big gas leak which almost killed them!.

Now a few years ago there was a water leak from the bathroom upstairs into the kitchen down below as a shower was put in but the bath was never sealed properly. Grandad hit the roof demanding that im never to stay in his house again. His home so no problem i went and stayed with my stepmum who lives round the corner. This time mum wants us to stay the week but has clearly stated im not to go to my step mums.

I dont feel comfortable staying in this house for health reasons and for basic hygiene like having a shower/bath. I have spoken to my step mum who has said its fine to stay at hers and im always welcome. My uncle has said to tell my mum that im not going and if she doesnt then tough. I really want to do this for my grandma in terms of cleaning the home but to be forced into staying somewhere that has hardly and basic facilities and the fact that both the sis and grandad have issues with drink, and i know there will be plenty of that, i feel hugely uncomfortable about staying. I know my mum has no issue with me staying with step mum but make a massive argument about me not staying that the grandparents and not being 'family orientated'. Oh what do i do about this and what do i say to my mum. Yeah shes going to get peed off but at aome point she is going to need to let me express my opinon.

Sorry for such a long post.
 
To put this short and sweet, grow a set. You're a grown woman. Do what YOU want. A mother's love shouldn't be conditional.
 
Wow if that was me I'd rather pay cleaners to go in and sort it out and split the cost, you all work, and it sounds like there's loads to do.

Do you work evenings as well? Hospitals round my way have evening visiting as well til about 8.30pm. But I'm guessing they don't live near you so makes it tricky.

By the way did Grandad consider the leak to be your fault in some way? Has it been repaired? How do they have baths/showers if not? Was the gas leak properly sorted? And not wanting to sound harsh but that amount of mould and dust don't arrive overnight, how has it got so bad? do they need some help round there or either of them have health issues that are affected by damp/mould ie respiratory problems? Do social services need to step in?
They may be eligible for some kind of weekly help. Did your mum (I'm presuming they're her parents) not notice it deteriorating before now?

The thing is, people can only control what you do if you let them. I think the issue about your week off is crazy and it's called taking advantage of you.
It's different if you're asked but it sounds more like you were told and that's not fair on you and she can't plan your life for you anyway. if you do decide to help out with the dogs id stipulate no other jobs. It's meant to be a week off! Wow out of your week off she's planning a holiday and return to clean house and laundry done!! You need to assert yourself (although easier said than done sometimes). I'm guessing you've gone along with things in the past to keep her happy?

And if you're happy cleaning the grandparents house, there's nothing wrong with you staying with your step mum. I would tell your mum you've had a think and this is what you've decided, it won't affect how available you are in the day to help.

So many issues here and I haven't even touched on the drink!
 
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Yeah my hours are funny so its hard to get time off when needed such as this. I live in the middle of the country and they love in the south so there is a few hours between us so cant really just go down for a night come back up.

Yeah the leak from the bathroom into the kotchen was supposedly my fault as i had a shower due a mixer being on the taps. But as there is no sealant which i didnt know meant there was the leak. My grandads way for fixing the issue was to remove the showet. You can have a bath to get cleaned up as you get about an inch of hot water in the bottom and thats it. The gas leak has been solved as mum demanded it and someones going round to put new pipes in the fire place. The house is falling apart around them and i agree with my uncle that it may no longer structually be sound. Grandad says these things are on his list but he never does anything hence how the place has got so bad. They should really go into care but they refuse and grandad refuses help from anyone for anything. When he was told that someone would be round to check the house before grandma gets discharged from hospital he said that all was fine and they didnt need one. He was told that if they dont have the house assessed then grandma cannot go home. To say he was cross was an understatement. And social services wont step in and support them in case of being sued for breach of human rights as they choose to love like this.

We have all noticed, and yes they are mums parents, for about 15 yrs since grandad had his heart attack. This is when they should have gone into care. But grandad is a hugely bitter old man now and doesnt make friends well. Grandma would love it but grandad has said no so thats the end of that. In some way i want it reported the state that they are living in and to be told that they have to get a fully functioning bathroom in and a proper working kitchen ans having the house changed to electric only! Otherwise care is their only option.

I have tried to voice my opinon in the past to my mum on issues and all she does is shut me down, tell me im wrong in some way and i need to sort my life out. With this though she will tell me im being rude to my grandparents for not staying and that its offensive to consider going somewhere else to get a shower etc. I have a big dust allergy and mum has already said i need to stop whinging and get on with it, apprently it might toughen me up a bit!!!
 
Families are shit aren't they.

I think you need to take some control. You don't live near so that's a blessing! When you look after your mum's dogs, do no cleaning. Don't tell her you're not going to, just don't do it.
I agree that a mothers love should be unconditional. It sounds like a fairly dysfunctional family with drink issues and lots of bossiness. They're your mum's parents so let her help them decide how they're going to live. Stay wherever you want to stay. Tell them that if they're that offended you'll go home. Reading this, your mum sounds remarkably like her dad doesn't she?
A long time ago I discovered that I can't control how my mum behaves but I can control how I let it affect me. I always think the parent should be the grown up and be the kind forgiving one but parents don't always act how we think they should. I think your mum probably has a very difficult relationship with your sister and you're the one who is meant to fit in. If you're sister is a serious drinker and you don't live there it may be worse than you realise.

Don't argue with your mum but start being assertive about how you deal with her.

Stay with your step mum (ironically she sounds lovely) and tell your mum that's what you're doing. You're really glad to help but you're staying around the corner. State it as fact, no question mark at the end.

Small steps.

Vic x
 
Thanks for the advice vic.

Funny its my mum and sister who are really close and im the one on the sidelines, the pair of them are two peas in a pod. Also the sister is younger then me.

Yeah mum can be very much like her dad in personality and she does look like him too. Also the sis is spitting image of mum except the different colourings. Mum doesnt really drink but the sister does and heavily. She clearly tries to hide it but have seen that nasty side come out one too many times for my liking and it really can be vile. I cannot quite decide if mum is fully aware of the sisters drinking extent or if she is and is just in denial as mum has hauled her up on it once or twice before and the reply is im fine i just havent eaten or some such lame excuse and mum response is always ok.

Love both my mums very much but they are completely different and i am very grateful to have my step mum on occassions. Will try being assertive with mum about staying with step mum and see how far that gets me. (Probavly not very far but at least i can say i have tried).

Its ironic that im assertive with others but mum and sis and it goes horribly wrong and then im scolded by both of them and put in a corner. Hate it i really do but cos its the three of us i have no choice really.

Someone once said to me that with family its wrong to say you have love them and be nice to them. By forcing someone into that position it can cause massive resentment and issues like this.
 
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My mum and I don't get on and she has a closer relationship with my sister and it's no loss to me.

Anyone who has read any of my past posts on the subject of my mother knows why!

You are an adult of sound body and mind, so in affect you can do what you want (within reason!). If you want to stay with your step mum stay with her.

I do feel in regards to your grandparents home that it is clear that they can not cope and the home has from your discription it has become dangerous and not fit for living in.

It may be worth speaking to the hospital staff to see if they can arrange social services to come and asses them for home help or sheltered housing or calling social services yourself to discuss their needs.

You would be doing this out of love for them.
 
Mothers who'd have em! My mum is a nightmare and basically bullied me throughout my whole life up to my 30's where I no longer put up with her crap. She had a tough childhood but it's no excuse for being a complete b***h to my sister and me! I idolised her when I was young and just craved a bit of affection from her but since having a child of my own I realised that she must be the least maternal person ever! I don't want to cut her out my life as want my son to know his grandma although she is not really interested and loves her grandkids as 'trophy grandchildren' but is not really interested in their lives and development. she can be lovely, other people think she's great but she is so self centred, negative and opinionated. If you google the term 'narcissistic mothers ' this is what she is and I Realise now that I can't change her behaviour but I can change the way I respond to it and this has helped me not feel so upset and feel like it is my fault we don't have the best relationship.
Your mum won't change but you can change the way you respond and just be a bit more assertive and take control. Tell her yes you will help but will stay at your step ups as that suits you better and you after the last time you don't feel comfortable sleeping there and as others have said, don't do the cleaning at her house when you look after the dogs but don't feel you need to mention it. You are doing her a favour not the other way round! Good luck and I hope your nan is ok. Xxx
 
Tell her to f.... off. She is not your keeper and you aren't her slave.
 

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