Feel like I'm losing my boys

[bev34dd]

I have three boys two from a previous marriage nearly 15 and 18 and a 5 year old with my current partner of 8 years ..
September last year my 14 year old has been suffering from depression and anxiety and been self harming ... It's been a constant battle as he won't talk and trying him to talk to us or a councillor is proving difficult. But all come to a head a couple of weeks ago. He was asking about our marriage split .. He was only 7 when this happened ... I was open and honest with him. Told him I left his dad due to me meeting someone else our marriage was full of anger and control from his part.. We moved out of the family home and rented for a year just the three of us then bought the home with live in today with my new partner.. Things then seemed fine. My ex husband met someone. It was a very bitter divorce even up to this day. We had my youngest a few years later and things seemed great. Until last year. My middle lad blames my ex husband for everything calling him all the names under the sun won't see him even though I said if you want to blame someone for the split blame me I met someone else after all but he wouldn't have any of it. The main problem now is my eldest and 14 yr old have fallen out and haven't spoke for over two weeks now. But now my eldest has so much anger and Says he wants to kill him they've always been so close been there for each other over the years and it's breaking my heart. My eldest is struggling with all the upset but is so angry but has no concept of mental illness and is just angry with his brother for bad mouthing his dad. I've tried to talk to him tonight and he's left and gone to his dads and he won't come home. I'm at a loss and don't know where to turn my ex husband is just creating more problems for me and I feel totally lost and alone and feel I've let my children down . I've always put my children first but feel like I'm losing them both and I dint know what to do

 

[thinkpink2008]

I'm so sorry I wish I could offer advice but all I can really say is firstly, you haven't let your children down at all, and secondly send u a big virtual hug xx

 

[bev34dd]

I'm so sorry I wish I could offer advice but all I can really say is firstly, you haven't let your children down at all, and secondly send u a big virtual hug xx

Thank you. It means a lot. I've been coping well with just My eldest but now I have the middle child's issues and upset to deal with too. It seems more than I can handle. Plus I have a five year old in the mix and I do not want a bad atmosphere in the family home. Just feel a total failure at this moment in time ..... X

 

[Spooky]

Bev.. I just sent a huge reply to your post and somehow wiped the whole thing so will re post tomo as my battery is low. Want to send my thoughts as this is a delicate and upsetting situation. Children are very fragile aren't they! In so many different ways. Speak more tomo :hug:

 

[bev34dd]

Bev.. I just sent a huge reply to your post and somehow wiped the whole thing so will re post tomo as my battery is low. Want to send my thoughts as this is a delicate and upsetting situation. Children are very fragile aren't they! In so many different ways. Speak more tomo :hug:

Thank you. Indeed they are. I just keep saying the wrong things at the wrong time though my intentions are for harmony and everything I do is for my boys and deep down they do know this. Thanks for taking the time xxx

 

[w1nnie]

It is a unique sensitive situation, which proper counselling could only really help, but counselling doesn't work for everyone. I have 2 boys of 15 and 23 and they are as different as chalk and cheese, ones sensitive and the other , well I think he's like the milkman, who ever he is, but I know the slightest thing going wrong will send them both off into hormonal rage. Also the 14 year old has GCSEs coming up so he's started on them now, and he really does need a calm home with routine to keep him on level with the pressures he will get from school.

Just trying to help, as only you know your boys, but do hope the situation eases for you..:hug:

 

[amys-beauty]

I have been in a similar situation, but I'm the 15 year old! I went 3 months not talking to my dad then about 2 months without talking to my mum. I was just angry at them and the world. When I hit 18 I was a totally different person and I love my family! I know it's hard and stressing you out but there's not a lot you can do but let them know that you are there for them to talk n keep telling them that you love them. xx

 

[Spooky]

Hi, my thoughts are the same as the others... Tell your boys daily, as you do, how much you love them, how proud you are of them and your there for them as and when they need you. I think the 3 years age gap makes such a difference when 18 and 15 though when in there 20's won't make a difference. The 18 year old has accepted your split though the 15 year old holds a grudge. And does he feel pushed out as the older one has a closer relationship with your ex? Counselling is the way to go and I hope your son agrees to it, that way he can release his anger/thoughts with a counsellor rather than on himself. How sad :hug: can you ask him to join you for a spot of lunch/bowling/ snooker? And have a chat with him on a personal level though my 15 year old is mortified when I mention some us time... Yeah thanks!!!:o hope thinks are a little brighter today? Don't blame yourself, the guilt trip is awful and us mums punish ourselves enough!!! Let us know how your doing :hug: xx

 

[bev34dd]

Hi, my thoughts are the same as the others... Tell your boys daily, as you do, how much you love them, how proud you are of them and your there for them as and when they need you. I think the 3 years age gap makes such a difference when 18 and 15 though when in there 20's won't make a difference. The 18 year old has accepted your split though the 15 year old holds a grudge. And does he feel pushed out as the older one has a closer relationship with your ex? Counselling is the way to go and I hope your son agrees to it, that way he can release his anger/thoughts with a counsellor rather than on himself. How sad :hug: can you ask him to join you for a spot of lunch/bowling/ snooker? And have a chat with him on a personal level though my 15 year old is mortified when I mention some us time... Yeah thanks!!!:o hope thinks are a little brighter today? Don't blame yourself, the guilt trip is awful and us mums punish ourselves enough!!! Let us know how your doing :hug: xx

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me crying here as I type this. Things are no better today other than I've sent Callum a few text messages telling him that's I love him he's gone camping with his dad( not always a good thing as when he spends any length of time with him he comes back an irritable person with no time for anyone !) but I have mentioned about picking him up from college and going shopping got a new pair of Vans for his 18 th birthday that's coming up next month! Just so we can have one to one quality time. I have Aaron here .. I have told him that his brother is angry and upset and doesn't understand his illness but I'm frightened to say too much as I can see the stress in his eyes and wonder if I'm making him worse. I've had a letter saying he's been referred to CAMHS so he will be assessed .. I work in education so I'm not holding my breath on this one for the results we are looking for.
It just seems that both of my boys are do unhappy with life at the moment and I do feel I'm to blame and the thought of them when they are older looking back thinking god I had a **** child good cause believe me in my eyes I've done everything for them thought I have given them stability and bought them up in a good and proper way. I have wonderful parents who afire their grand children and my mum was in tears this morning when I went to see her. I'm going on sorry .. But thank you again it has comforted and helped me get through today. Xxx

 

[ch-ela]

Haven't got time to write a long reply, but just so that you know it WILL get better, you must believe it. Both your sons need to be selfish for their own reasons at the moment, that's just part of growing up.
My son went to live with his dad (long horrible divorce) when he was 17 and didn't speak to me for a year. I didn't get to celebrate his 18th with him, I had to send him his presents (we lived in the same small village)
His sister was jealous of him living with his dad, it was a majorly f****d u situation. It all settled down, I get on great with my son but he no longer lives with his dad and no longer has contact with him. He's 23 now.

It's hard, I wont lie, but in this time where they are embarking on their own first relationships, things look distorted.

You did the BEST you could at the time, and now, with the best intentions, with the means you had available. THAT makes you a top mum! Don't ever forget that. Of course you made mistakes, we all make mistakes, but you are a good mum, and will always be just that.

 

[bev34dd]

Haven't got time to write a long reply, but just so that you know it WILL get better, you must believe it. Both your sons need to be selfish for their own reasons at the moment, that's just part of growing up.
My son went to live with his dad (long horrible divorce) when he was 17 and didn't speak to me for a year. I didn't get to celebrate his 18th with him, I had to send him his presents (we lived in the same small village)
His sister was jealous of him living with his dad, it was a majorly f****d u situation. It all settled down, I get on great with my son but he no longer lives with his dad and no longer has contact with him. He's 23 now.

It's hard, I wont lie, but in this time where they are embarking on their own first relationships, things look distorted.

You did the BEST you could at the time, and now, with the best intentions, with the means you had available. THAT makes you a top mum! Don't ever forget that. Of course you made mistakes, we all make mistakes, but you are a good mum, and will always be just that.

Thanku so much. I think ur totally right when u say they have to be selfish for their own reasons I can't expect them to understand from my perception just feel like everything spiralling out of control ...
Sounds like you went through hell with ur children and I'm glad things have settled and turned out fit the better .
My son still hasn't replied to my messages but to be fair it's not about me and my feelings just want my boys to be happy and Aaron to be well again.
Thank you for your advise xxx