Feeling a little lost

[Zooks]

Hi Geeks

This is my first time of posting in chit chat. I normally use it just for business but I need a bit of an outlet, so I hope you don't mind but it may be a long one and I am feeling rather emotional.

I am feeling a little lost with a few things at the moment and it's all getting on top of me. I am in the process of trying to leave the salon I am in, it's been a little rough for a while and I may have the chance to open my own salon, I'm just not 100% I could make it work. To be honest that is kind of on the back boiler at the minute as my main concern is my relationship.

We have been together for 5 years, I am 29, and we have known each other since school. He is absolutely my best friend and I want him in my future but lately I have been having major doubts as to whether we are truly meant to be. We don't talk like we used to or laugh together like we used to, most evenings I am sat on here researching and he sits on his Ipad. When we go out it's a little stilted between us and can feel a little forced but then other times it's totally fine and I wonder why I have questioned it. We do live in each others pockets a little as most of my friends have moved away and I only stayed for him so I know this is something I need to work on. I started my business 2 years ago, I am pretty ambitious, and have been money watching ever since so I know I have been a little uptight and probably not a whole lot of fun. He has struggled with money as long as I can remember and he had promised me he was sorting it out and that he wasn't in debt any more. It all came to a head recently when I used his phone, he was sat next to me, and a message came through from Lloyds saying just how much he was in debt. I obviously questioned him there and then. I was furious. Don't get me wrong, it's his money but he had lied to me and at the end of the day I want us to be able to afford our own house one day (We currently rent) and he knows this has always been something I wanted to work towards, he said it was something he wanted too so I was incredibly angry as he still managed to go out drinking etc

This was almost the straw that broke the camels back for me. I told him I had had enough and we talked for a few hours, he has said he just wants til Christmas to sort himself out and so far he has done what he said he would. I have always been better at money management than him and we sat down together and went through things to find out what he could change and he has done them all. He claims he didn't tell me because he felt like a failure and that he had let me down and I understand that.

We've been through a lot of tough times together and I know I can always rely on him to be there if I need him. He doesn't treat me badly he just hugely takes me for granted some times and I have got to a point where I feel like I could do with a bit Of looking after rather than the other way around. I want to feel like his girlfriend not his mother. We have a holiday booked over New Years with 2 friends, we booked before I found out about his money situation, and I have said I will give him til Christmas to sort himself out.

I don't even know what I expect you to say. I very much think our relationship is worth fighting for but I feel I am out of fight.

Do you think we can salvage it. Tell me I am not the only one that has had feelings like this and that we can come through the other side. Is there anything you would recommend doing? Have you been there?

At the minute I just want to go away by myself and take some time out.
Sorry for the essay.

 

[Kim Lawless]

Oh poor you

Just a quick reply but if there's laughter, caring and you still want to rip his trousers off, then give it another six months to a year.

He may be sick of you talking about business so look at it from his side too. Also, I'd want to know what the debt was spent on. It can't all be on drink. Online gambling? Ask him outright.

Men are different creatures and generally not malicious, they just hate confrontation. Xx

 

[ch-ela]

At the minute I just want to go away by myself and take some time out.
Sorry for the essay.

Just a quick reply, sorry. If this is how you feel, then this is what you should do. It will do you the world of good, even just a couple of days to yourself. And you might find yourself missing him too, which is fine.

I think he deserves a chance, he is keeping to his word so keep to yours.

Plus, tbh, a break up this close to Christmas is just another stress you wont need. Be strong and take care x

 

[Zooks]

Thankyou Kim and Ch-ela.

I have asked him and he showed me his bank records, it has literally just be frittered away on anything and everything. His Dad has a nasty gambling and drinking habit and I am always terrified my OH will go the same way. He does have a flutter and we have fallen out about it more than once but he has genuinely stopped it for the mean time anyway. It was only a few pounds a week but that's enough when you are spending money you don't have. I definitely put a whole lot of effort into my business but I don't think I neglect him although I know I do find it hard to switch off and put my phone down.

I feel a bit like we are friends living under the same roof atm and that's about it. I did broach the subject of not being happy a few weeks ago and it hurt like hell which is enough to tell me I am not ready to leave.

I am actually going off on some training (The lovely Kim above and HDs) which will take me away for a bout 5 nights in total over the next couple of weeks. I'm not sure if this counts as a break but I am looking forward to it all the same!

 

[LolliDolli]

That definitely counts as a break as it's something you enjoy. Just make ire you have a glass of wine in the evening

Think about how often you're happy and how often your not. Even if it's 51% of the time the happiness wins and I think you already know it's worth fighting for. If your out of fight think of it as working on yourself as a couple. No fighting involved

Another way to look at it, if you say you feel like friends... Do you just love him as a person or are you actually in love with him? As Kim said ... Do you still want to rip his trousers off (answer yourself you don't have to tell me lol) is there still a flame? If you toned down the stress could the flame reignite?

It's hard to concentrate on your relationship when you have other worries going off. And maybe you have both taken each other for granted a little and need to take time out to appreciate each other. Have a night off researching (no matter how hard it is lol) out the iPad down. Get some goodies in and watch your favourite film together.
You'll feel better for It.

I feel the same sometimes your be alone! Hope everything works out for you


Laura xx

 

[Zooks]

Thanks Guys

I wanted to hear it's worth saving. At the minute it feels like we're the best of friends and that's it. I did ask myself the question about being in love or just loving him and I'm not sure I even know the difference if I am honest. I've had a few long term relationships and I have never been sure of this. How do people even tell!? I know that we have talked about children and I want him to be the person I have children with, I just feel theres a whole chunk in between then and now in which we are both aiming for different things.

Hopefully in January I will know where I stand with this salon and he will be in a better position money wise. I have forgotten what it's like not to be counting the pennies over the last 3 years and genuinely don't think I have been been stress free in that time!

I'm glad I am not alone.

 

[ch-ela]

Best of friends is a really good foundation for a relationship. It gives you something to build on. Maybe you have both been neglecting the "building" bit of late. Yes, when times are hard, you can rely on the foundation to get you through, but this must be followed by good times in which you both (or alternatively either one) invests in the relationship. Just like you are doing in your business so it doesn't become stagnant.

I'm sure the time you spend with Kim will do you the world of good. I am jealous, I would love to meet her. I'm positive some of her magic will rub off on you x

 

[LolliDolli]

I'm sure you'll both get through it ok
I don't know how you know, I just did.
I suppose it's because you can still care for them so much you love them. But like a brother? If you want kids with him I'm guessing you care for him in a more 'lovers' way and if you know you don't want to leave or break up then there's no problem so don't worry


Laura xx

 

[tonicj]

Sorry to hear this, but we all have problems in relationships from time to time and you are definitely not alone. Just from reading your post I can tell you are a very cautious person when it comes to finances and healthy finances to you means security and stability, and I myself would be exactly the same. I also think his dad is very much at the back of your mind and you fear his problems happening in your relationship. The other thing here is trust and as you say he lied to you and again I can undertstand this from your point. Being lied to is another big no no!

From his point of view, he knows what you are like about finances and trust and probably was afraid to tell you. Unfortunately some men just don't know how to deal with confrontation and tend to bury their heads.

I think when discussing these issues it is of vital importance to do so in a calm and sensible way, as you will get more out of him that way. If it becomes a shouting, threatening match (I'm not saying it is) then this is where is all goes wrong. With regard being good friends, this is also very important in any relationship but sometimes when problems arise it's hard to think of the relationship from a romantic point of view. None of us would perform well under pressure!

Your relationship is not over until you both have tried absolutely everything. Maybe this 5 day break has come at a good time for you both. It will give you a bit of thinking time. I can understand you wanting to be looked after, instead of always having to worry and every woman wants that. Let things settle for a little while and then re-evaluate the situation. I don't get the feeling your relationship is over yet. You have just come to a stumbling block and if you are both strong enough you will get over it xx

 

[souz]

The time away will give you plenty time to realise if you miss him and what you want from your relationship but it can't all be you making the effort, it has to go both ways!!

What is meant to be will be no matter what so try not to stress too much....xx

 

[Kim Lawless]

Just think Zooks..........if you can't liven his ideas up with your HD Brows and my Brazilian, then call it a day (joke). xx

 

[Zooks]

I was going to put something similar in my last post but I thought I'd better not. Ha!

Sent from my GT-I9300 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[amartinez1020]

I think it is worth a try. Men are a different species, and money is a big issue for them especially when they are lacking. My husband and I had horrible money issues all of last year and it took a toll on our relationship. We had to talk about what our money was being spent on and how we could make positives changes to strengthen our relationship. Luckily he got a new job with a large pay increase and our relationship has been so much better because of it. He feels like he is caring for his family the way a man "should" now, his confidence is so much higher and his mood is much better. If your boyfriend is making changes and trying with effort I would give him a chance.

Unfortunately relationships aren't always as "fun" as they once were, life becomes mundane and everyday things get in the way. We have also been in that situation. It takes effort from both people to make things better. Make plans to go places that cost little to no money. Play board games or have movie nights or go around town looking at historical sights. Find something you are BOTH interested in and enjoy the simple things.

When money does come up, try not to get angry, listen and understand him, he will become more open with you about his debt if he feels safe speaking with you about it.

Good luck to you, I hope this works out and you're happy!


Amber

 

[Diversenails]

Relationships become stagnant even the most loving ones. Little things become mountains and big things become continents. We lose sight and direction, think of your life without the little moments you treasure and if you have nothin you treasure from relationship or anything you can't live without then there isn't a relationship, do something fun as equals from time to time. Cherish what you have not what you want

Sent from my LT30p using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[Zooks]

Thanks so much for your responses Geeks. Especially those who have been kind enough to PM me too.

As I have said he has always had money issues and it is something that I have bailed him out of before and we have spoken about many times. I don't shout and scream, Im not that kind of person. I like to talk things through and he hates to! Typical man I feel. But I was incredibly angry that day and I probably did raise my voice but at least this time I think I may have gotten my point across.

I am still angry that he lied but I can see why he did. I think reigniting that flame and trying to do enjoyable things together is made tougher by the lack of funds. I know money doesn't buy you happiness but it sure makes things a little easier!

I am going to give him til Christmas just to see if he can keep his word more than anything. I have a whole host of things going on at the minute and I know I haven't been the most fun person to be around so I know I have my part to play in all of this.

I do think relationships require work, they're not always plain sailing right?! And if somethings worth fighting for.....

Hopefully the New Year will bring us a new start. Here's hoping

 

[Absolutebeautyx]

I haven't read all the answers yet so forgive me if this has been said lol.
Your story sounds almost the exact same as mine, minus the debt. I love him more than anything but I am getting fed up of him taking advantage! We have been together for 3 and a half years and are buying a house in January together. I believe our relationship is worth fighting for, he just needs to grow up a bit lol!
So if you truly believe it is worth fighting for I would honestly try it! Speak to him, have a proper heart to heart and see what comes of it. I would also say a few days away yourself would help! I wish I could do the same lol.


Sarah xx

 

[angelina221]

No relationship is hearts and flowers all the time. I have been with my husband nearly 24 years. He is my rock, my best friend and I love him to bits. Some days though, he annoys me by just breathing!
He can wear a certain outfit or do something stupid and it really puts me off him-lol
Then he can stand in a certain way, say nothing in particular, look a certain way and I wanna rip his clothes off.
Sometimes the relationship is like brother/sister but that's because you feel completely at ease in each others company.
That's relationships for you and it's completely normal :biggrin: