Friends, engagements and expected free treatments!

[Miss_Holly]

A bit of a "not quite sure what to make of this situation" - a friend of mine has recently become engaged (yay!!!) however lately I've been questioning our friendship basis.

I have known her since we were about 5 (so almost 20 years), I am not her fiancées biggest fan (the main reason being he doesn't think her friends should play any part in their life. Exhibit a; he told her not to tell me or another of her close friends they were engaged, he decide to post their change in relationship on Facebook, and called me and other friend "nosy b*tches" when we called her over the moon excited asking if it was true?)
There have been a number of other situations where he has made me and the other friend feel extremely uncomfortable (to the point I would rather drive the 45 minute trip home at 2.30am than accept her invitation to stay till an acceptable hour of the morning).
She has now asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I have no idea what to say. I know for a fact I am one of her longest friends, we used to spend every weekend together and after school, but I know he has a strong dislike for me and since it's also his day I really don't know what to say (and as much as I love her, she is a bit clueless with reading people and really doesn't see there's any issues) I have tried talking to her before and she says that's just the way he is, but everyone else can quite clearly see that's not the case.
Would you accept? Or decline?

My other dilemma is, she has made it blatantly obvious she is expecting me to do her nails (and I know for a fact she is expecting them free), if it was our other friend I probably wouldn't think twice, however I have tried to help this friend combat her nail biting issues a few times, and she will pick them off (shellac) or bite them until they crack (acrylic) within two days, if she had any respect for my work I wouldn't even hesitate, but I've hit the point I'm so over it that I really don't want to do them,
what would you do? I was half considering the possibility of the nails and maybe toes being her wedding present?

 

[AcidPerm]

Tricky one!

You are probably correct about the fiancé but 'love is blind' and I think she has to figure it out for herself. He sounds very controlling and he may be trying to seperate her from her friends. As long as he isn't obviously abusive, there's little you can really do. She may well get married then divorced in a few years time, but it's her life. She certainly won't thank you for trying to point out his obvious faults at this stage so best keep shtum for now.

Unless being a bridesmaid will cost you £££, then consider accepting the role because that gives you a legitimate reason to be in touch with her. Although, if he is as bad as you think, he'll try to shut down all contact after the wedding. Just keep dropping the fact that you'll always be her friend etc. so she knows she can get back in touch, if it all goes pear shaped.

I wouldn't be too bothered about the fact that she's a nail biter. At least if you do the nails as a wedding present,
1) it's inexpensive for you and,
2) he doesn't get to share the present

 

[blossom]

No reason not to accept - you're pretty much lifelong friends and it would be churlish to turn her down. And if you did it would no doubt change your relationship with her somewhat, it's an honour to be asked and recognition of your closeness.

I think the nails are a perfect pressie! I gave a friend nails for her 40th birthday present and she was delighted! And I love point number 2 about the gift that AcidPerm makes above!

 

[Karina B]

I had the opposite situation. It was me getting married and didn't want my oldest friend to be my matron of honour as she had really let me down over the last few years.

She then made a big thing about being my oldest and best friend and really wanted to by my matron of honour. I foolishly let her. She did nothing to help me with the wedding, I pretty much arranged my own hen do (I paid for her to come on my hen do too!), she did nothing special for me on the hen do or for the wedding. So she was nothing more than a guest I paid for to get dressed up!

Then after the wedding the only time I hear from her is to moan about her boyfriend's ex

My advice to you is not to do it if your heart is not in it. You will always be her friend, but being a bridesmaid should be something special. I have to admit I dread the day she ever asks me to return the favour because I would have to say no.

 

[blossom]

I had the opposite situation. It was me getting married and didn't want my oldest friend to be my matron of honour as she had really let me down over the last few years.

She then made a big thing about being my oldest and best friend and really wanted to by my matron of honour. I foolishly let her. She did nothing to help me with the wedding, I pretty much arranged my own hen do (I paid for her to come on my hen do too!), she did nothing special for me on the hen do or for the wedding. So she was nothing more than a guest I paid for to get dressed up!

Then after the wedding the only time I hear from her is to moan about her boyfriend's ex

My advice to you is not to do it if your heart is not in it. You will always be her friend, but being a bridesmaid should be something special. I have to admit I dread the day she ever asks me to return the favour because I would have to say no.

Maybe I misinterpreted but I thought the OP and prospective brides were still really good mates with no issues between them personally. Just that she didn't get on with her friends other half.

I'd be first to agree don't do it if you don't "feel the love" for the friend as it were !

 

[Miss_Holly]

I do still love her, my issue is solely with her fiancée - not to the point I want them to break up as I know he makes her 110% happy, however it's blatantly obvious when her and I spend time together that he is far less than impressed and donnes a mood that could rival uncle scruff, and since he dislikes me that much I'm not sure how comfortable everyone else will be at the wedding [emoji25] I think my issue I try to compensate for other people's actions (or reactions) too much haha


My issue with her assuming I'm doing her nails isn't having to actually do them (I have a couple of friends I will gladly do nails and pedicures for complimentary on their birthdays/Christmas etc) my issue is I've done them multiple times in the past (free) and every.single.time she completely mutilates them/pulls them off/peels them off (depending on the application) literally the next day, it happened so many times (where she got them free) that
I got over it and don't offer her nails anymore [emoji23]

 

[Grace_Hair]

If/when she asks you to be bridesmaid. Tell her you'd love to but, is fiancé happy with it as its his day too. Mention that maybe his sister/cousin/friend might want in on it, and when she's spoken to him, get him to ask you too (does that make sense?)

Maybe say to your friend that you aren't comfortable doing her nails as they 'haven't seemed to last the last few times you've done them' play ignorant. But then say I can do XY and Z instead?

 

[CrunchyChips]

Emotional manipulation, gas lighting and isolating are all forms of abuse and clear red flags to run. All you can do is support your friend and when she needs you she will let you know.
I would always keep one eye open though with him as people like him will slowly but surely take over her life to the point your friend wont even relaize she has zero people left she can confide in or help save her as he will do his best to make sure she wont even realize until it is too late.