Getting over ex's?

[Violet Star]

Hi geeks,This is a bit of a personal problem, and need some advice.

I was with my partner 4-5 years and we split late last year since then we have been seeing eachother every week or so and speak nearly everyday and still very close. We still love eachother.

But he is a big let down when he plans to see me he mostly lets me down to see his friends or play football, his in his mid 20's and he says he doesnt want a relationship beacause she just want to be around his mates and be free to do what he wants.

He is big commit phobe and im getting quite hurt knowing i cant be with him and i always have the thought in my mind maybe he will meet someone else and just drop me like a ton of bricks?

I really want to get over this man but i find it so hard and ive tried hard over these last few months, i recently had a row with him and told him not to contact me again or come round... but ive said this before and he always pulls me back and comes round or tries to talk to me and he wont let me move on..

If anyone has any advice would be gratful.xx

 

[jonailtech]

hi hun i feel sorry for you this is a horrible situation to be in, it sounds to me like he has a hold on you, he doesnt want you, but he doesnt want anyone else to have you either!

you need to get out and find yourself a new man, and yes he prob does have feelings for you and maybe he is just scared, but if he really loved you he would want to be with you hun, i could be wrong as men are funny creatures, but he seems to have the best of both worlds at the moment why would he want to change that, maybe if he sees you moving on he will think twice!

 

[angelina221]

The reason he always talks you round is because you let him. I know it's hard but you have to be strong and stick to your guns. In your heart of hearts you know it's not going to ever work and you need to make a clean break cos the longer you let it carry on the harder it will be.
Men only take advantage of women who let them.

 

[pretty-in-pink]

to be honest hun dont let yourself be used as and when he wants you your way better than that!! maybe you should go out and have a good time with some girlie friends and try to have abit of fun i wouldnt say ive ever been in a situation like this as my partner im with is my 1st serious relationship and i love him to pieces and could nenver imagine my life without him but if i was in your situation dont let him use and abuse you all women are worth more than a quick fumble or knowing as and when men want them thats my advice hun but i guess your the only one who will know what to do some people say follow your heart but that always isnt the best...ive had past relationships where i thought i was so in to them and they was basically doing the same as what your ex is and i said enough is enough and cut them out of my life and luckily ive ended up with a great boyfriend who looks after me and treats me right feel free to PM me if you ever want a chat

x

 

[pretty-in-pink]

actually just thinking of it when i put the last bit of the reply i have been in the same situation but just not in love with them! sorry im tired lol

x

 

[Bonkers]

wish i had the answers im in a similar predicament as my guy is a body guard and is only home every 6 weeks for 6 weeks and messes me about calls me tells me he is going on a date and we are only seeing each other for the past year i have been trying to get over it and move on but i cant as i love him so much but he knows this which is why he feels he can hurt me and i will still be there. it took me 2 years to get over my previous relationship of 4 yrs and like it says on sex and the city it takes have the time of a relationship to completly get over it, when i got over it my ex came back into my life for another 6 mths and then it took me about 2 mths to fix myself again.

i dont know what to suggest but i know that the more space you give him the more he will want you but its not fair that your hurting so much, the best thing i have found this time with my fella (or what ever he is) is to keep busy. he is back tomorrow from iraq for 6 weeks and its going to be so hard not to see him but i know i have to do this for myself otherwise i will never move on. i know if he calls me i will prob be weak and let him come round but i phone my friends who remind me of every time i have cried my heart out and myself to sleep over this man.

maybe write a list of exactly why you are not together, what you dont like about him and the details of each time he has hurt you and when you want him get that list out and see if you feel some of the pain and hurt and maybe that will help. haha im hoping it will help me anyway. you know i hate relationships sometimes but as much as i love this man i have to let go. xxx

 

[pretty-in-pink]

wish i had the answers im in a similar predicament as my guy is a body guard and is only home every 6 weeks for 6 weeks and messes me about calls me tells me he is going on a date and we are only seeing each other for the past year i have been trying to get over it and move on but i cant as i love him so much but he knows this which is why he feels he can hurt me and i will still be there. it took me 2 years to get over my previous relationship of 4 yrs and like it says on sex and the city it takes have the time of a relationship to completly get over it, when i got over it my ex came back into my life for another 6 mths and then it took me about 2 mths to fix myself again.

i dont know what to suggest but i know that the more space you give him the more he will want you but its not fair that your hurting so much, the best thing i have found this time with my fella (or what ever he is) is to keep busy. he is back tomorrow from iraq for 6 weeks and its going to be so hard not to see him but i know i have to do this for myself otherwise i will never move on. i know if he calls me i will prob be weak and let him come round but i phone my friends who remind me of every time i have cried my heart out and myself to sleep over this man.

maybe write a list of exactly why you are not together, what you dont like about him and the details of each time he has hurt you and when you want him get that list out and see if you feel some of the pain and hurt and maybe that will help. haha im hoping it will help me anyway. you know i hate relationships sometimes but as much as i love this man i have to let go. xxx

i agree with the last bit you said "you know i hate relationships sometimes but as much as i love this man i have to let go"
im going to say the same as i did to the lady who posted this thread your so much better than that hun us girls shouldnt have to put up with being used and hurt and made to feel like rubbish arghh SOME men!! should be castrated lol

x

 

[Bagpuss]

I have been in a relationship for 15 years now, so i guess i am an oldie...

But i kissed a few frogs before i met my prince...

I truly believe that it two people are meant to be together then they will be....let him go...and if he comes back to you (with real improvements in his behaviour) then he's yours...if not then he was never yours to start with.

I thought i was madly in love with one of my ex's and broke my heart when he left me....its only now that i know real, true love with Rob that i know that what i had with my ex was nothing even close.

I personally would let him go and keep busy with my life....one day you will meet someone who is truly worthy of you...and then you will wonder why you wasted your tears on this man....:hug:

 

[jac extreme]

well said angie. I have a theory now, learned through experience, its right for me but may not be right for others...I beleive there are up to 3 men in your life, not for everyone I might add...
1 your first love...young love, broken hearts and all that, never forgotten.
2 the man you marry and have a family with.
3 the man you grow old with.

as I said not true with everyone, some may stay together through thick and thin but if you drift apart or grow apart as your kids grow up and end up divorced, it doesnt mean your going to be alone.
JMHO

 

[Bonkers]

thats true i will never forget my first love, i try not to think about him but i cant help it. ahhh. thank god its not just me x

 

[angelina221]

well said angie. I have a theory now, learned through experience, its right for me but may not be right for others...I beleive there are up to 3 men in your life, not for everyone I might add...
1 your first love...young love, broken hearts and all that, never forgotten.
2 the man you marry and have a family with.
3 the man you grow old with.

as I said not true with everyone, some may stay together through thick and thin but if you drift apart or grow apart as your kids grow up and end up divorced, it doesnt mean your going to be alone.
JMHO

1-When i remember my first love i think 'oh my god what on earth was i thinking'!

2-Then i met my husband and had my kids

3-Am gonna grow old with my husband cos it's took me 19 years to mould him and train him and i'm sure not starting again with someone else!:lol:

 

[xAnnaBannAx]

When a relationship is like that its such an awful situation to be in...Ill bet you regularly put your own life on hold for him....just in case you get to see him or he calls or whatever....well its always easier said in black and white but my opinion is....make your life so busy you dont have time for his crap anyway! Instead of constantly battling to take control of the relationship....take control of yourself and your life regardless of what hes doing....set yourself an action plan of things you want to do, see, achieve etc over the next year that you can focus on....that doesn't involve any man....do things for yourself....be selfish! You will feel so much better.

mid twenties male...too busy playing footy and putting his mates first....doesn't like commitment.....lets you down constantly....toys with your emotions......what exactly has this guy got going for him then.....clearly you both want different things and its so hard to let go but the fact is you are letting him have his cake and eat it....he wants to live a single life...and he is doing....he wants to be with you when he has nothing better to do....and he is doing...

just remember.....you only get treated like a door mat if you lay down and behave like one...

..dont let anyone walk all over you your worth more and deserve to be treated with respect x:hug:

 

[Violet Star]

Thanks for your support guys!

He does have a hold over me, when we first met he was a different bloke he was so kind, gentle and caring and he wasnt selfish, but over the last year he seems to have changed and is now a selfish little moster.

I dont feel like i want any other man around - i feel as though now i just cannot be bothered with men or to put any of my time into them its too much hard work!
I am going to be keeping myself busy with my beauty business and focus on myself now because ive done too much focusing on him!
It is a very hard situation as i was with him for 4-5 years and i love him to pieces but i just cant be around him whilst he is going through this silly phase because its me getting hurt.

thanks for all ur help and advice xx

 

[Voodoo]

awww honey...can totally sympathise with you, as most of the ladies on here can.

the real reason why you allow this situation to continue is because your self-esteem and confidence need building up, otherwise you wouldn't allow him to mess you about.

what you need is something to occupy your mind so that you aren't thinking about him and waiting for "the call" off him.

in november last year i was being used by a man who i thought loved me, and it got to the point to where i didnt want to be alive anymore - the only things that kept me going were my 2 boys and work.

then i had a moment of clarity and realised that i didnt need a man in my life...and THEN what happened?

i started chatting to a man who i work with and we have been together since christmas...he is EVERYTHING that i want in a partner and more.

he treats me like a goddess, supports me and treats my boys as his own.



look at your "relationship" with this man, if it was a mate going through it what would your advice be to her?

probably what everyone here has said...tell him to jog on, spruce yourself up, get something to take your mind off him and be resilient.

us women can do this so much easier than men...they tend to fall apart because they NEVER grow up. :lol:

hugs,

jue xx

 

[Bonkers]

i totally agree with voodoo i spent last night talking to my friend about her idiot bf and it got onto the subject of this guy that i have been having a 'relationship' with for the last year, he is back from iraq this morning and i am dying to see him and would love to be with him BUT im not going to be, Im not intending to see him this time back even when he calls me at a silly o'clock saying he misses me and loves me, cos he will but no its over. I have instead booked myself on lots of courses and filled my time with spray tans and treatments and girls nights in and out pretty much every day is taken up so not much time to miss him. hoping this works and i know in my head i deserve better. arghhh men eh, lol. im pretty sure there are some decent ones out there though so not given up yet xx

 

[collin]

arghhh men eh, lol. im pretty sure there are some decent ones out there though so not given up yet xx

There certainly are :hug:..just takes time,tears,patience...when you stop looking....one day you will trip over him and pow..job done and happy for life :hug:

Best avoiding kissing frogs...thats just a fairy tale ..doesnt work and gives you warts :lol::lol::lol:

 

[deanosnana]

I really want to get over this man but i find it so hard and ive tried hard over these last few months, i recently had a row with him and told him not to contact me again or come round... but ive said this before and he always pulls me back and comes round or tries to talk to me and he wont let me move on..

If anyone has any advice would be gratful.xx

You'll never get over someone when you continue to see that person. I know it's difficult but you have to cut all ties.

I heard somewhere the best way to get OVER someone is to get UNDER someone (else). LOL!

Seriously, I wish you all the best. I think we've all been there, done that.

 

[Voodoo]

i totally agree with voodoo i spent last night talking to my friend about her idiot bf and it got onto the subject of this guy that i have been having a 'relationship' with for the last year, he is back from iraq this morning and i am dying to see him and would love to be with him BUT im not going to be, Im not intending to see him this time back even when he calls me at a silly o'clock saying he misses me and loves me, cos he will but no its over. I have instead booked myself on lots of courses and filled my time with spray tans and treatments and girls nights in and out pretty much every day is taken up so not much time to miss him. hoping this works and i know in my head i deserve better. arghhh men eh, lol. im pretty sure there are some decent ones out there though so not given up yet xx

and THAT'S the key to getting over a relationship...when we are sat at home crying into a cup of tea and a tub of ice-cream and waiting for the call, we aren't doing ourselves any favours.

we all chase the perfect dream and sometimes we lose track and end up chasing a nightmare in disguise...we need to kiss a lot of frogs before we get a prince! :lol:

one very good friend told me that i would be ok in 6 months time when i was going through the mill, and i said that 6 months is ages away...she said "think back 6 months, it seems like yesterday doesn't it?"...and she was right, 6 months seems like an age but it isn't really.

lots of hugs to those who need it.:hug:

jue xx

 

[1999judy]

My advice.....dump him and move on.
Men are like buses...there's always another one coming round the next corner Lifes too short to be treated like cr*p:hug:
JMHO obviously....

 

[jamieson]

you should forget him and divert your self to anything or to anyone...
many of guys are have that attitude,they just coming around and pulling you back but they dont want to commit again they just being playing safe or maybe we dont want to loose you but he doesnt love you anymore...
so you better move on and forget him..i know soon you'll find another man that is responsible and better than him..!
just enjoy on what you have now.!