I want kids, but he's not sure

[carlytaylor1986]

Hi guys, I've been searching all over the internet for months for answers, but thought you guys on here could help with a personal issue.

I started seeing someone about 8 months ago, moved in 4 months ago and moved back out 2 weeks ago because we were having so many issues. I'd known him for a good few years and we had been on/off throughout our 20s, but nothing ever terrible happened, he was a bit of a commitment phobe and I never felt good enough for him, so we parted mainly on those reasons.

I feel the reasoning behind our issues is that he told me that he's not sure he wants children. Dagger through my heart, as I definitely do, not now, but when I'm around 34/35 (I'm 30 now, he's 31). I can see that I was starting arguments for no reason, perhaps subconsciously, hoping that it'd give me a reason to end it (this is what I have come up with, no way were the arguments a conscious decision). But again, I am not the one to blame 100% because he's not perfect, as I am not.

We have spoken about it time and time again, he says right now he definitely does not want children (and nor do I) and he's not sure if he'll feel any differently in the future, it's not a definite no, but it's not a certainty that he will want children. He said perhaps if our relationship was worked on and we were good and a couple of years down the line when he's changed his working situation (as he's not happy there at the moment) he might feel differently, but then again he might not. It's so confusing about what to do, do I give up all hope and move on or wait around in the hope that he might change his mind? Bearing in mind I have been torturing myself for the past 4/5 months wondering whether I can accept a "maybe" as an answer or not and all we have seemed to do is argue.

Sorry guys, I just need a bit of advice, I have been pondering whether to post on here for a good few weeks now, and feel like I need someone else's pov. Thank you

 

[PicklePie]

You've been torturing yourself for 4-5 months out of 8? That doesn't sound good.

I completely understand that you want children in the future but you yourself said that it's a few years away at the moment. Your partner has been honest enough to say that he's not ready and credit to him for doing this rather than saying yes for a quiet life.

You say you don't feel "good enough for him. Why not? Surely he wouldn't be with you if he felt that way. Having children is definitely not going to 'fix' the issues in your relationship. You both need to work on this and decide if you are compatible and solid enough to even contemplate having a family together.

Why don't you just enjoy yourself instead of putting pressure on this relationship. This may help iron out the things that are causing arguments. If in the future those issues are still there and your body clock is still ticking then it might be time to call it a day but from what you have said you haven't even begun to enjoy each other.

Ultimately only you can decide what to do but don't sell yourself short. Good luck whatever you decide

 

[carlytaylor1986]

You've been torturing yourself for 4-5 months out of 8? That doesn't sound good.

I completely understand that you want children in the future but you yourself said that it's a few years away at the moment. Your partner has been honest enough to say that he's not ready and credit to him for doing this rather than saying yes for a quiet life.

You say you don't feel "good enough for him. Why not? Surely he wouldn't be with you if he felt that way. Having children is definitely not going to 'fix' the issues in your relationship. You both need to work on this and decide if you are compatible and solid enough to even contemplate having a family together.

Why don't you just enjoy yourself instead of putting pressure on this relationship. This may help iron out the things that are causing arguments. If in the future those issues are still there and your body clock is still ticking then it might be time to call it a day but from what you have said you haven't even begun to enjoy each other.

Ultimately only you can decide what to do but don't sell yourself short. Good luck whatever you decide

Thank you for your reply. This is what I am limbo about, I really do appreciate the fact he has been 100% honest with me and I do worry that I haven't let us have fun. He wanted to move away with me, start a business together after just 2 months, I thought that's what I wanted too until reality kicked in and I thought I couldn't possibly be without my family and friends and making these huge plans after just 2 months was just a no-no, but I went along with it and moved in with him to see if we were compatible and moving into his house where everything was his just filled me with anxiety. I suffer with that and depression anyway.

I didn't feel good enough when I was with him before, but I do now, I have grown up a lot and managed to control my anxiety and depression slightly, but I still suffer with it on a day-to-day basis. I definitely wouldn't have a child under these circumstances anyway, but I feel such uncertainty for my future is what is making me so anxious, and it has a knock-on effect on how I treat him, keep bickering with him over silly things and I just can't seem to let things go, I bring up every single argument in any other argument we have and I have agreed to try to stop this and to sit there and think about things before I bring something to his attention that I am not happy about, to see if it's worth having a discussion about. We are currently on a break and I am seeing him Friday to discuss it further, whether or not I can live with a "maybe" answer. I am definitely not starting a business or moving away with him any time soon because I don't want that unless I see a future with him with children. Thank you, I really appreciate it xx

 

[donnamich]

I think 8 months is really soon to be talking babies. Im sure you will both have one at some point but just enjoy your relationship for now. All this baby talk sounds like its already putting alot of pressure on your relationship, imagine what it will be like with the added pressure of an actual baby. Sleepless nights because baby wants feeding 20 million times, and it will most likely be you that has to do it, changing 50 nappies a day, well maybe not 50 but it feels like it. Again it will probably be you that does this as men and baby shit dont mix. Never, and i mean never, having a minutes peace. You'll forget what a relaxing bath is like and opt for quick 5 min showers instead. Date nights will turn into sitting at opposite ends of the couch in silence because your both too exhausted to talk. And sex...after giving birth and dealing with the above. You'll never want to see his chuck norris near you again haha. On a serious note, just give it time. It will happen when you are both ready. If you keep bugging him over it, you could push him away and lose him for good xx

 

[AcidPerm]

I was with a guy like that some years ago and when we got to 35, he decided he definitely didn't want children. We split up and I eventually met someone else and after being together several years, was very lucky to conceive at 43yrs. I would have liked more children but it wasn't to be. My ex meanwhile, met someone else and within a few years had two children with his new partner!

In hindsight, I wish we'd split up earlier as I think it's quite risky waiting until 35 because you really don't know if you will be able to get pregnant when you want to. Three of the other mums on my antenatal course required fertility treatment to get pregnant and they were all in their early thirties.

Without wishing to roll out the old cliche about 'plenty of fish in the sea', it's actually true. My husband is almost the polar opposite of my ex and we're very happy together.

Only you can decide which way to jump, but you only have one life so don't stay with someone if they don't share your goals and aspirations. You might come to regret it.

 

[sammi010]

It's such a tough one, but I can promise you can search as much as you like on the internet but you wont get your answer. Only you can really decide.

Really there are 3 outcomes of staying together:-
You don't have children and you resent him
You do have children and he resents you
You do have children and he decided it's not as bad as he thought

Al of them are a big gamble. And then there is a whole load of grey inbetween all those!

What if it turns out you can't have children together?

Are you 100% sure you are not using the children issue as an excuse not to commit yourself? It's a big commitment you are asking of him but you don't want to commit to certain things either. If he turned round tonight and said yes okay I really don't think it would make your relationship better. It sounds like there is a lot to work on before either of you can really decide it's a long term thing, and there is far too much pressure too soon! It's only going to get harder so if you are not having fun and enjoying each other now how are you going to cope with added pressures?

You said you are/were insecure about the relationship, are you 100% sure you are not thinking that if you have a baby together then it will secure the relationship?

Is it him or just a relationship that will result in a baby that you want? You can have a baby on your own and it would be a damn site easier than having one with someone who doesn't really want one! Saying yes is the easy bit!

 

[FlawlessBeauty]

I completely understand talking about it so early because you want to make sure you want the same long term goals. Unfortunately you haven't got the answer you were hoping for.

If it was me, i would forget about it for the next 6 months and see if your relationship works first. You need to both be happy and enjoy being together.

Why not have a romantic night away. No serious conversation, just quality time. A fresh start x

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Thank you for all your replies I am not pressuring him into having a baby now, I just want to know where I stand with the situation. It's a bit more complicated than I explained in my first message, but I didn't want it to be too long.

After those 2 months, he wanted to move away with me and start a business, be it in this country or another country, just get away a bit and have a bit of a break. I said to him I was up for that and I really was, it was exciting because he wanted me in his future, but I said we haven't even lived together yet. So he asked me to move in and I moved in in January. The first weekend of me moving in was a mess, he didn't seem interested at all in helping me feel settled, just went out with his mate shortly after I moved in and I felt like a ghost there, nothing was mine, everything was his and I didn't know how to work anything, no space had been made for my toiletries etc, it just felt like he'd chucked me and my clothes in there and was like right I'm going out. Then I started to doubt did he actually want me to move in and it made me really upset. We disagreed on a lot, like normal couples do, i.e. the food shopping, I would do this all the time at first and then after about 6 weeks I got so fed up of it I told him he was going to help me, I felt like I was the one doing all the washing/cooking etc, god knows what he done before I moved in! so I asked for help with that and after a few reminders, he did start to help me. He just carried on as he did before I moved in there and didn't have much consideration for me and I felt nervous living there, that I couldn't do what I wanted or what I normally would because it wasn't mine and nothing was mine. He would have his friends around once/twice a week and that would make me anxious, because I didn't know his friends, I'd never met them before and he would just say to me "oh they're coming around, you can eat with us if you like" as if I was the imposter. I felt so lonely and hated every second of living there, there was a lot more than that that went on. When I would ask for a cuddle sometimes, he'd be horrible about it and tell me to stop telling him what to do. We hadn't said those three words yet so one day I asked him if he did love me, that turned into an argument and he said he finds it hard to express his feelings because of what he went through as a child. I understood but said perhaps we could work on that, if he couldn't say it, he could write it down over a message or something, then he needed to know my reasoning for needing to hear those words!

I felt he was so selfish when I lived with him and the straw that broke the camel's back was 5 nights of him watching sport, and me sitting in the bedroom watching TV for those 5 evenings, him not wanting to go to mini-golf as I had suggested, then reluctantly agreed and shortly after his friend texting him asking him to play proper golf, expecting me to postpone our day out so he could go and do that in the morning (this all happened the night before we were supposed to be going), then him asking if his friend could come around a couple nights later. I said I felt he didn't make time for me because I lived there and he said seeing me for an hour or two a day is enough for him and he feels thankful that we do get to see each other every day. But not much quality time was made, and I take a lot more from quality time than just a hour here or there. That's why I moved out. He also doesn't really plan to do anything with me, say for instance he wouldn't be like "oh on Saturday do you fancy going out for dinner" and that has been a problem since I started going out with him. Alright we went out and done stuff/went on holidays/did go out for a quick bite to eat, it was never planned or somewhere where I could get dressed up and wear a pair of heels without feeling silly, and I so badly wanted to go on dates with him and it was brought up time and time again, so my therapist suggested a compromise here, planning to do something once a month, but this never happened because he didn't see the big deal. I just wanted to get dressed up and look nice for him every once in a while. I was fed up of him seeing me in my work clothes/pijamas, I just wanted a nice evening out, just the two of us where we could have a bottle of wine and a laugh together.

Then on top of all of this, he's not sure he wants kids, which is why it is making me wonder whether or not to be with him. We do get on, we do have a laugh and I could see it being really good if we worked at things. Alright I do have anxiety and suffer with that, but I see a therapist and am trying to work on this/attending workshops etc. But where I have felt so unloved and that he doesn't actually care about me, it has made my anxiety 10 times worse. Sorry for the absolute essay I just feel I need to elaborate on the situation. I for sure do not want a baby now, I just want to know where he is heading in life and what he really wants, because if it's not the same things as me, then what is the point, but I honestly do think we could sort our other issues out if we both wanted the same things in the future. xxxx

 

[carlytaylor1986]

It's such a tough one, but I can promise you can search as much as you like on the internet but you wont get your answer. Only you can really decide.

Really there are 3 outcomes of staying together:-
You don't have children and you resent him
You do have children and he resents you
You do have children and he decided it's not as bad as he thought

Al of them are a big gamble. And then there is a whole load of grey inbetween all those!

What if it turns out you can't have children together?

Are you 100% sure you are not using the children issue as an excuse not to commit yourself? It's a big commitment you are asking of him but you don't want to commit to certain things either. If he turned round tonight and said yes okay I really don't think it would make your relationship better. It sounds like there is a lot to work on before either of you can really decide it's a long term thing, and there is far too much pressure too soon! It's only going to get harder so if you are not having fun and enjoying each other now how are you going to cope with added pressures?

You said you are/were insecure about the relationship, are you 100% sure you are not thinking that if you have a baby together then it will secure the relationship?

Is it him or just a relationship that will result in a baby that you want? You can have a baby on your own and it would be a damn site easier than having one with someone who doesn't really want one! Saying yes is the easy bit!

He did suggest having a fertility test for both of us, but I think that is ridiculous, because i believe he would be happy if either of us couldn't have children, and couples who really do want children, work out other ways.

I don't know, it could be that, because of our other issues, I don't know if I am using that as an excuse in all honesty. It's not that I want children now, or particularly with him, because who knows where the relationship is headed, but I just want to know we're on the same page for the future. No I don't think having a baby will secure the relationship at all, and I wouldn't have one for that reason, I just want to be on the same page for our future. I would like to stay with him and have a future together and work out our issues and have a family with him, but he seems so reluctant. In all honesty I believe he wants me to hold his hand along his journey and has only ever wanted that, well that's in my head. He said to me that if we went off and done a bit of travelling and he was living a life that he was happier with, and could think more clearly about it, perhaps he would change his mind, but if he decided during that period that he didn't want to have children, and I quote "you'll probably want to come home and i'll probably carry on travelling because there's nothing for me at home really"...how can you just be so blaze about it? Then that made me think he just wants me to hold his hand to do what he wants to do because he's scared of doing it alone. Oh this is such a mess. xx

 

[donnamich]

Thank you for all your replies I am not pressuring him into having a baby now, I just want to know where I stand with the situation. It's a bit more complicated than I explained in my first message, but I didn't want it to be too long.

After those 2 months, he wanted to move away with me and start a business, be it in this country or another country, just get away a bit and have a bit of a break. I said to him I was up for that and I really was, it was exciting because he wanted me in his future, but I said we haven't even lived together yet. So he asked me to move in and I moved in in January. The first weekend of me moving in was a mess, he didn't seem interested at all in helping me feel settled, just went out with his mate shortly after I moved in and I felt like a ghost there, nothing was mine, everything was his and I didn't know how to work anything, no space had been made for my toiletries etc, it just felt like he'd chucked me and my clothes in there and was like right I'm going out. Then I started to doubt did he actually want me to move in and it made me really upset. We disagreed on a lot, like normal couples do, i.e. the food shopping, I would do this all the time at first and then after about 6 weeks I got so fed up of it I told him he was going to help me, I felt like I was the one doing all the washing/cooking etc, god knows what he done before I moved in! so I asked for help with that and after a few reminders, he did start to help me. He just carried on as he did before I moved in there and didn't have much consideration for me and I felt nervous living there, that I couldn't do what I wanted or what I normally would because it wasn't mine and nothing was mine. He would have his friends around once/twice a week and that would make me anxious, because I didn't know his friends, I'd never met them before and he would just say to me "oh they're coming around, you can eat with us if you like" as if I was the imposter. I felt so lonely and hated every second of living there, there was a lot more than that that went on. When I would ask for a cuddle sometimes, he'd be horrible about it and tell me to stop telling him what to do. We hadn't said those three words yet so one day I asked him if he did love me, that turned into an argument and he said he finds it hard to express his feelings because of what he went through as a child. I understood but said perhaps we could work on that, if he couldn't say it, he could write it down over a message or something, then he needed to know my reasoning for needing to hear those words!

I felt he was so selfish when I lived with him and the straw that broke the camel's back was 5 nights of him watching sport, and me sitting in the bedroom watching TV for those 5 evenings, him not wanting to go to mini-golf as I had suggested, then reluctantly agreed and shortly after his friend texting him asking him to play proper golf, expecting me to postpone our day out so he could go and do that in the morning (this all happened the night before we were supposed to be going), then him asking if his friend could come around a couple nights later. I said I felt he didn't make time for me because I lived there and he said seeing me for an hour or two a day is enough for him and he feels thankful that we do get to see each other every day. But not much quality time was made, and I take a lot more from quality time than just a hour here or there. That's why I moved out. He also doesn't really plan to do anything with me, say for instance he wouldn't be like "oh on Saturday do you fancy going out for dinner" and that has been a problem since I started going out with him. Alright we went out and done stuff/went on holidays/did go out for a quick bite to eat, it was never planned or somewhere where I could get dressed up and wear a pair of heels without feeling silly, and I so badly wanted to go on dates with him and it was brought up time and time again, so my therapist suggested a compromise here, planning to do something once a month, but this never happened because he didn't see the big deal. I just wanted to get dressed up and look nice for him every once in a while. I was fed up of him seeing me in my work clothes/pijamas, I just wanted a nice evening out, just the two of us where we could have a bottle of wine and a laugh together.

Then on top of all of this, he's not sure he wants kids, which is why it is making me wonder whether or not to be with him. We do get on, we do have a laugh and I could see it being really good if we worked at things. Alright I do have anxiety and suffer with that, but I see a therapist and am trying to work on this/attending workshops etc. But where I have felt so unloved and that he doesn't actually care about me, it has made my anxiety 10 times worse. Sorry for the absolute essay I just feel I need to elaborate on the situation. I for sure do not want a baby now, I just want to know where he is heading in life and what he really wants, because if it's not the same things as me, then what is the point, but I honestly do think we could sort our other issues out if we both wanted the same things in the future. xxxx

Question, read what you've wrote back to yourself. Is this really the man you want to have a baby with, and spend the rest of your life with? Looking at this as an outsider it really doesn't sound like you're happy at all. I wouldn't want to be with someone that made me feel this uncomfortable xx

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Question, read what you've wrote back to yourself. Is this really the man you want to have a baby with, and spend the rest of your life with? Looking at this as an outsider it really doesn't sound like you're happy at all. I wouldn't want to be with someone that made me feel this uncomfortable xx

I know it's just so hard when you're in it. I do kind of know what I need to do and I did break up with him last Friday, but I was so miserable all weekend, I called him and we met up again, but we're now on a break again. I like the idea of us being together because we are so similar in some respects but then worlds apart in others. It's so so hard! Thank you for taking the time out to reply xx

 

[sammi010]

Sounds like you've already got your child!!

If he makes you feel like you have described I'm sorry but it's not going to work! He is the way he is and if things like taking the initiative to arrange nights out don't come naturally then they never will, if he wanted to do it he'd make the effort. You can't change the way he is and if you do manage to get him to do these things he'll just be going through the motions to tick a box and stop you "nagging" him. You'll only end up feeling worse!

It doesn't sound like he is the right person to be able to give you the support and reassurance your anxiety issues need. It certainly doesn't sound like you bring out the best in each other.

Do you have your own friends? It might help if you weren't so dependent on him, go out with your friends and have fun. Dressing up to look nice doesn't have to be for him!

He could say yes to the family thing now and he could genuinely mean it, or he could just say it to keep the peace. Years down the line when it actually comes to it though he could change his mind again.

If having a family is such a deal breaker then I don't think the relationship is right for you. If everything else was brilliant then it might be worth hanging in a bit longer to wait and see but feeling like an imposter in your own home is no way to live. It sounds pretty crap to me.

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Sounds like you've already got your child!!

If he makes you feel like you have described I'm sorry but it's not going to work! He is the way he is and if things like taking the initiative to arrange nights out don't come naturally then they never will, if he wanted to do it he'd make the effort. You can't change the way he is and if you do manage to get him to do these things he'll just be going through the motions to tick a box and stop you "nagging" him. You'll only end up feeling worse!

It doesn't sound like he is the right person to be able to give you the support and reassurance your anxiety issues need. It certainly doesn't sound like you bring out the best in each other.

Do you have your own friends? It might help if you weren't so dependent on him, go out with your friends and have fun. Dressing up to look nice doesn't have to be for him!

He could say yes to the family thing now and he could genuinely mean it, or he could just say it to keep the peace. Years down the line when it actually comes to it though he could change his mind again.

If having a family is such a deal breaker then I don't think the relationship is right for you. If everything else was brilliant then it might be worth hanging in a bit longer to wait and see but feeling like an imposter in your own home is no way to live. It sounds pretty crap to me.

Thank you for your reply

I can't see it working, but I am just not ready to let go yet, I don't think. I can't see myself being with him long-term. Where we had the turmoil of me moving in and it not going very well at all, it's made me think perhaps I haven't given us enough time, with all the other issues that were going on, to enjoy ourselves. I am seeing him Friday to discuss things further, and despite me thinking it won't work, I want to know that I have put my everything into it so I won't have any "what ifs". My thinking is give it a month of trying to get on, and me trying to not get so worked up about things, and see if he does try and make the effort to go out, introduce me properly to his friends etc. As I was always anxious around his friends as I never knew them, my therapist suggested a couple of months back that he arrange an evening or a couple of evenings out where I could get to know his friends a bit better so I wouldn't have that overwhelming anxiety. He never done this despite me reminding him a couple of times. As I have now moved back to mine, I want to see if he is still going to be this selfish person or whether he is actually going to listen. I am fully prepared for him to carry on how he is and not make the effort, so then I'll know I am leaving for the right reasons and I won't be doubting myself. As for the kid thing I'll have to let that go until I have fully decided on whether I can actually see myself with him or not. I am carving my own life with my friends at the moment, going out a bit more often, going back to classes at the gym, and I tell you - it feels good I am much happier now I have moved back to mine and started to do things for myself again without the constant worry of him! but like I have said I just want to know I have made my mind up fully on him before I let go xxxx

 

[chara]

Do not wait around for him to 'maybe' change his mind. I was with someone 9 years and he kept saying, when his job is more secure, when we're ready, went on like that for 9 years and only when I left him did he then say 'oh I'm ready for kids now' in an attempt to get me back. Then I was with someone else who kept saying the same stuff for years, kept saying maybe in the future etc and now it's too late for me. Please don't waste your precious time if this is something you truly want and that's important to you. You don't get to turn the clock back and living with the regret of missing out on kids is painful. There is someone out there for you who wants the same as you but you won't meet them if you remain in this limbo. I'm glad you are enjoying your time with yourself and your friends. Good luck whatever you decide xx

 

[Martin Duffy]

I have to say, if that's all the effort he's willing to put in at the beginning of a relationship, it doesn't sound very promising for the long term.

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Thank you again for all your replies. We have now split, I suggested getting back to ourselves and he said to me that he can't see us getting past our problems, so we split amicably, we both felt the same and I do feel like it's for the best it just hurts a lot and I will get over it but know it'll take time, I said to him I couldn't wait on a maybe because I'd be living in hope he'd change his mind and that's not fair. Thanks again guys xxx

 

[chara]

Ar im sorry it wasn't right for you, you're right it'll take time but in the long run you'll be happier and you'll find the right one for you. In the mean time I'm sure you'll have a great time being yourself and enjoying the things that you want to do in life. Sending a hug x

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Thank you Xxx

 

[Caroline_music_]

I was with a man with commitment issues who didn't want children. I wasted 14 years of my youth with him. He doesn't deserve you. Get out now and find a man who respects and cherishes you with the same life goals. Being single is not as hard as you think x

 

[carlytaylor1986]

I was with a man with commitment issues who didn't want children. I wasted 14 years of my youth with him. He doesn't deserve you. Get out now and find a man who respects and cherishes you with the same life goals. Being single is not as hard as you think x

Thank you, I do believe he has commitment issues and other issues too that he tried to reflect on me. I know it's definitely for the best but it's hard. I've gone from being single to living with someone to living alone again within 8 months, it's been a roller coaster to say the least. It's definitely not as hard as I thought but I have my moments when I get sad for no reason and feel slightly lonely. Thank you for sharing your story xx