Meaningless apology, would you accept?

[smooth]

I understand your point on the apology...... in an email and that long after the day is not an apology, more an attempt to soften the blow and get his own way!! Men!! I definately agree with you on not accepting that as a satisfactory apology.

Hopefully your other half will get the message that you dont want to be involved with the people and leave it at that..... if not, turn up at the thing he wants you to go to, make a huge scene, be as embarrassing as possible and he'll be less likely to try and convince you again :lol::hug:

On a serious note, sorry if i sounded unsympathetic in my post, it wasnt intended, i was just trying to say that only you know if you can forgive the person for what they done and allow them into your life again. You have to do whatever makes life happier and easy for you xxxx

Oh my goodness, you didn't sound unsympathetic at all, I just wanted to fill you in on what happened as I know sometimes I don't always read all the responses on a thread.

I loved what you wrote about going and making a scene, hmmmmmm, interesting :lol: just might try that if he carries on!! I think he'll have to realise one day that I'm not going to be friends with his ex-girlfriend who ruined our wedding.

Funny thing is I've never had a problem with her but she blatantly has with me and proved her point to no end on our wedding day, the b***h.

 

[angelina221]

You know when i read this post this morning, you didn't mention that it was a male so i kinda guessed it was a female. But his ex-girlfriend!!?? Oh my days!
He invited his ex-girlfriend to your wedding when he knew you didn't want her there
I would have him on cooking, cleaning and shopping duties for the rest of his days

 

[MissOwen]

Oh my goodness, you didn't sound unsympathetic at all, I just wanted to fill you in on what happened as I know sometimes I don't always read all the responses on a thread.

I loved what you wrote about going and making a scene, hmmmmmm, interesting :lol: just might try that if he carries on!! I think he'll have to realise one day that I'm not going to be friends with his ex-girlfriend who ruined our wedding.

Funny thing is I've never had a problem with her but she blatantly has with me and proved her point to no end on our wedding day, the b***h.

Oh wow! That does sound like a complicated thing to deal with!!

My partner is divorced and there is no ill feeling between us and his ex wife at all, but she would not get an invite to the wedding!!!

Although, i think i'd probably be more likely to attend this event now. If she has an issue with you and decided to ruin your wedding, i wouldnt put it past her to cause trouble any chance she got, i would like to keep a very close eye on someone like that. As the saying goes, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer!! xxxxxx

 

[smooth]

You know when i read this post this morning, you didn't mention that it was a male so i kinda guessed it was a female. But his ex-girlfriend!!?? Oh my days!
He invited his ex-girlfriend to your wedding when he knew you didn't want her there
I would have him on cooking, cleaning and shopping duties for the rest of his days

I know I purposefully kept that out just in case it came across that that was the reason I had an issue with her but it really isn't. She has been horrendous from the moment I met her and I really don't care that he is contact with her as he is with me now and we have a little un together.

It was wierd him inviting an ex girlfriend but the issue I had was how she was with me and obviously it ended up how I thought, she ruined it, no surprise for me though. So any new thoughts on him wanting me to socialise with her now????

On another note, he already does all the cooking and cleans up the kitchen, does the ironing, he'd be perfect if he only cleaned the bathroom too.

 

[smooth]

Oh wow! That does sound like a complicated thing to deal with!!

My partner is divorced and there is no ill feeling between us and his ex wife at all, but she would not get an invite to the wedding!!!

Although, i think i'd probably be more likely to attend this event now. If she has an issue with you and decided to ruin your wedding, i wouldnt put it past her to cause trouble any chance she got, i would like to keep a very close eye on someone like that. As the saying goes, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer!! xxxxxx

I'd love to but I know for a fact I'd end up doing something I regretted!! x

 

[Sarah-Jean]

If I were in your position, I'm trying to think what I would do. I would probably sit him down and tell him I accepted his apology, and the incident is over and done with and there's no point looking back at the past. (Seeing as you're married and going to be with him for a long time, there's no point holding a grudge!) However, you will not socialise with the person in question and want nothing to do with them now or any time in the future and you hope he can respect your feelings by dropping the matter altogether.

And in future you'll slap him upside the head if he apologises via email ever again! LOL

I'm not the forgiving type when it comes to these things. This woman sounds poisonous and I would not want to be anywhere that she was either.

 

[HairSquared]

This is not like trying to patch things up with an old friend. You are talking about the man you are spending the rest of your life with! If you dont sit down and hash out a face to face, meaningful resolution, this will haunt you till your dying day. I would put alot more thought into what you need from him to make his apology more meaningful or it will come up time and time again!

 

[smooth]

Sarah-Jean and Hairsquared, thank you for this. I have actually said that to him about not wanting to socialise again with her and he needs to not mention it again as it will just cause friction between us. He also needs to get used to it being just him when he goes out with his friends, to be honest I think this is why he keeps bringing it up. Before we met he spent years going to these do's being single (along with his best mate) and he says now that he is married he is still having to go as a single person. My response? Well you should have thought about that when you ignored my request to not have her at the wedding!

He said he would have to explain why she wasn't invited (hmmm that she's a bitch to my future wife?) but I said he is going to have to explain why I don't go out any more with them! Before the wedding we had 3 events that we were together at and the first, there was me, Laura and this woman. She completely blanked me for the whole 3 hours, she didn't even give me eye contact or anything and we were all sat round the same table just 3 of us. Laura kept apologising to me saying she was probably just upset because of her boyfriend, she even went the bar and just got her and laura a drink!

The next one was a christmas do and my husband announced we were pregnant and she came straight over to him sat next to him and congratulated him, chatted to him for about an hour with me sat right next to him and not a word or acknowledgement to me. It was like I was a medussa! Then something happened in the evening and at a wedding that we all went to and I told my husband that I didn't want to be around her ever again, but hey presto she was at our wedding! I'm amazed I married him to be honest that day over what happened the day before and on the day.

Maybe a bit of a head slap will work? :lol:

 

[silverbird9t9]

It sounds to me as though she is jealous of you. After all she is the EX and YOU are the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, by refusing to accompany him (he is obviously proud of you) you are letting her hurt you and your relationship. That seems to be what she set out to do. Would you be able to extract a promise from him to stick up for you if she excludes you or is otherwise rude? If all else fails you could very publicly ask her just what exactly her problem is and remind her that she is his ex and she needs to get over it.

It's sad that she deprived you of what should have been happy memories. Perhaps you can plan a special day for just you two - make some good memories.

Good luck

 

[smooth]

It sounds to me as though she is jealous of you. After all she is the EX and YOU are the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, by refusing to accompany him (he is obviously proud of you) you are letting her hurt you and your relationship. That seems to be what she set out to do. Would you be able to extract a promise from him to stick up for you if she excludes you or is otherwise rude? If all else fails you could very publicly ask her just what exactly her problem is and remind her that she is his ex and she needs to get over it.

It's sad that she deprived you of what should have been happy memories. Perhaps you can plan a special day for just you two - make some good memories.

Good luck

Thank you, the thing is she is with this guy and has been for years, maybe there is some jealousy who knows? I love my husband to bits butI'm not letting it get between us, he probably is more so than I am and it is him who keeps bringing it up. I have no physical memories of the wedding, no pictures or anything as she managed to get in pretty much all of them, scowling at me. That doesn't bother me, I'm over that.

I unfortunately can't go back on what I said to him as I know if I do see her again I will say something to her and it will spoil the day for everyone else and I'm not the sort of person who ruins things for other people. I'd rather let him go off with his friends to enjoy himself and me do something with the children or my friends and have no issues rather than bite my tongue or be involved in a rather public spat with her. I want to avoid saying things in front of other people as she is so lovely to everyone else, she once even had a go at her boyfriend because we were talking!

I'm ok in knowing I'm not associating with his friends, they all live in London anyway whereas we're in the North West.

 

[persianista]

Allan has an ex wife who is a cow. I ensure she has only ever seen me groomed to the hilt, head to toe prada, and wearing my best diamonds. I intimidate the hell out of her and am icily polite at all times. It is the only way to deal with dopey exes. Always remember that you won, you got the man. These silly women are totally powerless unless you allow them to be.

 

[essentia]

I think you are right and should stick to your guns. Why he wanted to invite her to your wedding I find strange but if they are all part of the same social group then I can understand it a bit. I agree with what someone said about toxic people and it never really improves even if you try with these people. You deserve better than that. Your Husband will just have to accept he will have to see them on his own. On another note I do empathise as my MIL ruined our engagement, we travelled 1000's miles to see her and show off our new baby and was a real ***** it took ages to get over it. My Husband still rarely talks to her now, he has been less forgiving than me!. You never really get on a good footing with these people. Your doing the right thing.:hug:

 

[smooth]

Way to go Persianista! Sorry to hear about the MIL thing Essentia, with family, I don't understand that even more! My mother never got invited to our wedding as she is a bit strange and has managed to ruin all other family weddings, she usually makes a scene then walks out. So I never wanted that at mine and neil's so I never invited her, the smooth wedding dream was going so well......

 

[tingle]

Hi

I know exactly how you feel as I have been in the same position but with members of my husbands family

My sister in law is a real cow to me and at one point I threatened to leave my marriage because she would do exactly the same thing to me. She would talk to other people on the table but completely blank me! Everyone including my husband would run after her and I just couldnt get her to be civil to me let alone friendly no matter how hard I tried.

So I did the same thing and said Im not going. All that happened was that I felt more and more hard done by as my husband seemed to blame me for putting him in an akward position. He would lie and say I had a migraine anything really.

What I ended up realising was that really whatever problem she had with me was her problem and that I was letting it ruin my marriage. We would have massive arguements and fights about why I wouldnt go to social events and he would be resentful and nasty.

In the end I decided to take Persianistas approach and accept that she was going to be there so I made sure I looked good and that I was confident in myself. I also accepted that that is just how she is she wasnt going to change so I could let it affect my life or I could just think of her as being a rather sad individual.

I now go to everything as I like to make sure she knows how well I am doing and I now realise she has no self esteem and no real social skills.

If this ex ignores you and makes a scene let her get on with. Make sure you talk about how happy you are and how great life is with anyone who will listen and especially be nice to people in the social group. I know its hard but when I looked at it from my husbands point of view it was me that was making the problem by my reaction and not my sister in law and her behaviour. Believe me she has been vile to me in the extreme by some of her comments but I just let her get on with it. If she was blind I wouldnt expect her to see so I just look at her and think this is how she is poor sad person.

sorry long rant over - took me years to get to this attitude and probably not the most assertive attitude but Im still married and I do get her back every so often which is funny

What goes around comes around!

Lisa

 

[smooth]

Hi

I know exactly how you feel as I have been in the same position but with members of my husbands family

My sister in law is a real cow to me and at one point I threatened to leave my marriage because she would do exactly the same thing to me. She would talk to other people on the table but completely blank me! Everyone including my husband would run after her and I just couldnt get her to be civil to me let alone friendly no matter how hard I tried.

So I did the same thing and said Im not going. All that happened was that I felt more and more hard done by as my husband seemed to blame me for putting him in an akward position. He would lie and say I had a migraine anything really.

What I ended up realising was that really whatever problem she had with me was her problem and that I was letting it ruin my marriage. We would have massive arguements and fights about why I wouldnt go to social events and he would be resentful and nasty.

In the end I decided to take Persianistas approach and accept that she was going to be there so I made sure I looked good and that I was confident in myself. I also accepted that that is just how she is she wasnt going to change so I could let it affect my life or I could just think of her as being a rather sad individual.

I now go to everything as I like to make sure she knows how well I am doing and I now realise she has no self esteem and no real social skills.

If this ex ignores you and makes a scene let her get on with. Make sure you talk about how happy you are and how great life is with anyone who will listen and especially be nice to people in the social group. I know its hard but when I looked at it from my husbands point of view it was me that was making the problem by my reaction and not my sister in law and her behaviour. Believe me she has been vile to me in the extreme by some of her comments but I just let her get on with it. If she was blind I wouldnt expect her to see so I just look at her and think this is how she is poor sad person.

sorry long rant over - took me years to get to this attitude and probably not the most assertive attitude but Im still married and I do get her back every so often which is funny

What goes around comes around!

Lisa

Hey rant away, that is what this chit chat forum is all about! It's awful that someone in your family behaves that way and I can see how awkward it could be as family are expected to get together. I'm glad you found a way to overcome things, why would everyone run around after her though?

With me, it's his friends not mine, so I have no problem with not being involved and don't feel secluded to be honest and I honestly do believe he has never seen it from my point of view otherwise the wedding invite wouldn't have been sent to her.

My first wedding was terrible followed by a terrible marriage, I wanted this to be different and both he and his ex took the opportunity away from me to have a lovely wedding, but it's not affecting my marriage nor my husband's social life. He put his friends first before me, even on our wedding day so I have no intention on changing my mind. She is sad, I take great pleasure in knowing I have 5 gorgeous kids, 2 successful businesses, a younger husband and I feel fabulous. All his friends know this and it does get back to her lol.

I'm still waiting to hear why he chose to attempt to apologise via e-mail though!!!!

 

[smooth]

Ok, here is the offending apology:-


Hey

I apologise for inviting **** to our wedding and agree (belatedly I know) that I shouldn't have. I'm sorry.

I guess I still know the answer, but would you consider going to the xmas meal this year?


Laughable isn't it? x

 

[katiebbaby]

:hug: I can totally sympathise with you, after always coming last to my partner of 11 years 5 other children, I am never right, always picked on and the wicked step mum. I feel I am always put second place even when I have every right to be fed up I get attacked. His eldest daughter socialises with my partners ex whom is total opposite of me and she takes great pleasure in rubbing my nose in it.

I have found lately that by being the way we are, that is so forgiving, gets us walked all over by certain people, I think you need to tell you husband point blank you are very hurt by his attitude and behaviour and if he respected you and your marriage then he would cut this woman out of your lives, as she obviously does not respect him otherwise she would be more genuine and nice, and would not of done to you what hurt you so much.

:hug::hug:

 

[smooth]

:hug: I can totally sympathise with you, after always coming last to my partner of 11 years 5 other children, I am never right, always picked on and the wicked step mum. I feel I am always put second place even when I have every right to be fed up I get attacked. His eldest daughter socialises with my partners ex whom is total opposite of me and she takes great pleasure in rubbing my nose in it.

I have found lately that by being the way we are, that is so forgiving, gets us walked all over by certain people, I think you need to tell you husband point blank you are very hurt by his attitude and behaviour and if he respected you and your marriage then he would cut this woman out of your lives, as she obviously does not respect him otherwise she would be more genuine and nice, and would not of done to you what hurt you so much.

:hug::hug:

What you need to remember is no matter how different your partner's ex is, it is irrelevant as they are not together he is with you now and obviously happy! When there's kids involved it is quite difficult, my oldest was not really speaking to my husband when we first met but when she realised that it was a serious relationship she became her usual, lovely self and we all get along really well now. My hubby actually says he has 5 children when asked, even though biologically he only has 1.

I'm a strong person and very independent so don't feel I get walked all over. My friend came over last night and we had a laugh about this issue because I let him read the e-mail and he said that what he should have done was sent an apology, a meaningful one and then said nothing else for 6 weeks. He should have bought me something and then took me out for a meal, again saying nothing about this xmas do. Then after at least 6 weeks, he should have casually mentioned the fact that there was a xmas do and did I fancy going but not push it!

Ta for all your comments, at least I know I am not being awkward or anything. There was a showcase last night in London which I would have gone to, as this girl wasn't there, but I was working in Manchester the whole day so couldn't. Oh well, I guess my social life will remain based in the north west of England. x