Mum and dad divorcing-stuck in the middle

[Mommabear]

Hi geeks

Grab a cuppa this could be a long one

Im after geeks advice, what would you do in my situation? Have any of you been in my situation?

So, mum and dad been together 18years, last 2 its been on a downward spiral :-( when i spoke to my mum the first time about it a while back,apparantly, they had decided they were going to get a divorce but hold iff till my brother had his op (he has cerebal paulsy in his legs, was due for october but got persponed till january this year, doing fantasticaly well )
Anyway, at first i was like why wait? At the end of the day theres 3kids under 12 that will suffer, why not get it sorted and the ball rolling and seperated and settled be4 the operatiom right? I know its not as black and white and would b difficult, but, at least one thing was out the way and they could concentrate on my little brothers op.
So (told you it would be long haha) they didnt but there has been so much tension in there house its ridiculous the kids knew somethin was going on (solicitors been involved for about 4 months and the kids only got told a few days ago, i wouldnt have left it that long, but each to there own right?)
Anyway, my dad LOVED my mum no end, anybody could see that. My mum has a nasty streak when she wants to have one, i mean plain an utter BITCH! My dad can be horrible to, but i suppose everyone can be when in an argument. Back in february on my mums birthday night out she was on the phone aaaaallllllll night to someone and wouldnt tell me,well, we had not long got to the restaurant and my mum had her head down a toilet she was that drunk (she only had 2 malibu and cokes so i put it down to drink and stress mixing :-s) mr detective kicks in, goes to phone the playboy bus that was picking us up to pick us up early and thought ill see who it was she was speaking to.........well........to my disgust......another man.........texts saying, i want you, i need you, come pick me up i want to b with you.......you get my drift! Next day she phones me (had an argument with her stuck up best friend cause i phoned this bloke and she told me i was wrong and didnt have the right too, cheeky mere) usually she would phone me having a go at me......to my shock......she was nice as pie saying its not what it seemed blah blah. Left it at that, well, being mr detective myself, i knew he was always in the shop next to my mums shop for lunch, found his van, got the reg number and found were he lived the past few months i e got my boyfriend to drive past casualy to see if my mum was there.........and on a few occasions she has been with her car strategicaly hidden so no one can see, ive phoned her, and shes at her friends having a coffee......TOTALLY lying to my face.
Ill try and wrap this up now :-s
Anyway, my mum is trying to go for everything and leaving my dad with nothing.......sick i know! She has ALL of my family HATING my dad, everytime i see one of them they always slag him off, i dont been, oh hes being horrible, i mean nasty, malicious comments and to b fair it makes my blood boil, im not one to keeo comments to myself but in this instance i need to. Oh forgot to mention NOONE in my family knows about this bloke my mums meeting. My dad "biologically" isnt my dad. But to me he has beenthere since i was 4/5, he is my dad no matter wat and were very close.
LAST point i promise hehe comes out about 2months ago that. What looks like, he has been meeting another woman. Which again is wrong an i think hes a dumb ass for not leaving it till they arent living together at least. But again my mum will quite happily tell my family that making them hate him even more! There both not making this divorce easy, there trying to fight it, which is what mist divorces are like right? I dont think ive met somebody whos had an amicable divorce

I will apologise for the disgustingly long post, and give whoever manages to read the whole lot a bloody big pat on the back haha

Xoxoxo

 

[Mommabear]

I forgot to add (sorry) i have a very close relationship with both my mum and my dad so its hard xx

 

[mm29]

That was long! Lol

Emm I'm inclined to say stay out of it, for your own sake, youl just get hurt.

Does your dad know about your mums fella?

 

[Mommabear]

That was long! Lol

Emm I'm inclined to say stay out of it, for your own sake, youl just get hurt.

Does your dad know about your mums fella?

I know. I didnt think it was that long till i posted haha

Nope he doesnt know, but im pretty sure he has his suspicions, he comes home from work, she goes out, pretty much all week :-s xx

 

[mm29]

If they are still living together I would just tell them you want them both there say Sunday 5pm for a chat no excuses,

And just explain that their behaviour is having a bad effect on all the children.

Sounds like their marriage is truly over so they should just move on and someone should move out!

 

[Mommabear]

If they are still living together I would just tell them you want them both there say Sunday 5pm for a chat no excuses,

And just explain that their behaviour is having a bad effect on all the children.

Sounds like their marriage is truly over so they should just move on and someone should move out!

Having them just sat in a room together is just painful haha it is well and truley over. I dont know wether its because im the oldest, my twin brothers being 11years younger than me and my sister 16years younger, im over compensating for being the only child that knows and also the only family member that knew anything for a few months too.

The main thing that is holding them both back is the house, thats what there fighting over. I dont think My mum should move out but then i dont see why my dad should, ive told my mum they should both move out and put the house up for sale but it goes in one ear and out the other :-s xx

 

[waffle4]

As a child who's been between warring parents (my mum and dad divorced when I was 12 but had years of violent acrimony before that), I would say the marriage looks like it has completely broken down and they are harming their poor kids at home by dragging this out. It looks like they are both having affairs (do they both know this?) and your poor little brothers and sisters will be picking up on all this tension. I think you should maybe look into setting up an appointment with a mediator for them. Someone who is not involved (who they would get angry at for "taking sides") and someone needs to spell out the damage they will be doing to the other children who are at home witnessing all this agro. They are obviously going to be happier apart and should try and resolve this as amicably as possible for the sake of you and your brothers and sisters. It can be done if they both make an effort. Oh and my mum and dad have been divorced nearly 30 years now and are great friends now as they finally realised along the line that although they couldn't get on together they have 3 children together who they both love. I really hope you all get this resolved soon and peace is restored x

 

[Baggybear]

I'd try to stay out of it as much as is possible.

If you feel your dad is getting a bad rep with everyone because nobody knows about your mums 'fella' but they all know about your dads 'woman' then maybe you could set them straight by saying they are BOTH seeing other people and so the divorce is the best thing for them both. Once that is out in the open things should be on a more even playing feild.

There are amicable divorces but these can only happen when both parties know it is over and are ready to move on and be happier apart.

 

[Mommabear]

Thanks geeks, i really appreciate your replys, especially reading through that mega long post :-D

Only my mum knows about my dad, but i think my dad has an inclin that she is seeing someone too. But i know they both are lol

Its hard to deal with as, some of the family dont know what i know, but then again i most probably dont know some of the stuff they know. My mum is always throwin little comments in about my dad an it upsets me, with my dad though, he doesnt talk so much so his brother didnt even know about the divorce till a couple of weeks ago and the balls been rolling for over 6months. He hasnt said anything to me at all about the divorce and i dont want to push him to as i know he doesnt like to get upset but hey everyones different arent they.

Will have to leave it a little while longer and see how it goes

<3

 

[Mommabear]

Hey geeks, sorry did to dig up my old thread but i need a vent and i think my poor best friend is fed up of me going on, although she says shes willing to listen to whatever as shes been through the same with her mum and dad i dont like to be a burden lol

Had my aunties baby shower today, was lovely, we all had a great time, most people had left and i was sat with my mum, nan and other auntie.....got onto the subject of mum and dad not getting on, him being horrible blah blah (i have chose now not to involve myself in the divorce thing so it doesnt seem like im taking sides) but that still doesnt seem like enough. Anyway they were talking and i just started looking round the room and my mum makes a snidey comment saying "oh sorry cant talk about that she will see her arse"........as usual i held my tongue and i just said " im going outside to see grandad".........mums reply "oh see there we go"........all i want to do is scream!!!! Nobody knows about her little affair shes having and the fact that my whole family has been turned against my dad is upsetting me too much, all i want to do is cry!!! I have to hold my tongue over everything and hold back on not saying anything when things get mentioned i feel like im going to pop (i think pop is an understatement haha)

What would you guys do??

Im sorry to be a pain, again i need an outsiders perspective and a little vent

Xoxoxoxoxx

 

[Mommabear]

Forgot to add........when i left the room i stood just behind the door and could here them wispering things like "she doesnt know whats gone on" "she doesnt know what hes said" which is fair enough but i havent passed comments or said anything about it.......and surely if im not told "everything" surely my comments would only be based on what i know anyway so that isnt my fault is it?? Xx

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Sweetheart, no-one knows what's going on in a marriage. Keep as far out of it as you can. When you take sides it will end in tears...yours x

 

[Baggybear]

Hey geeks, sorry did to dig up my old thread but i need a vent and i think my poor best friend is fed up of me going on, although she says shes willing to listen to whatever as shes been through the same with her mum and dad i dont like to be a burden lol

Had my aunties baby shower today, was lovely, we all had a great time, most people had left and i was sat with my mum, nan and other auntie.....got onto the subject of mum and dad not getting on, him being horrible blah blah (i have chose now not to involve myself in the divorce thing so it doesnt seem like im taking sides) but that still doesnt seem like enough. Anyway they were talking and i just started looking round the room and my mum makes a snidey comment saying "oh sorry cant talk about that she will see her arse"........as usual i held my tongue and i just said " im going outside to see grandad".........mums reply "oh see there we go"........all i want to do is scream!!!! Nobody knows about her little affair shes having and the fact that my whole family has been turned against my dad is upsetting me too much, all i want to do is cry!!! I have to hold my tongue over everything and hold back on not saying anything when things get mentioned i feel like im going to pop (i think pop is an understatement haha)

What would you guys do??

Im sorry to be a pain, again i need an outsiders perspective and a little vent

Xoxoxoxoxx

Why do you feel that you can't say anything & have to hold it all in?

There is no rule that says you have to keep your parents secrets for them.

In your situation (where I feel your mum is behaving very badly towards you) I wouldn't feel guilty in letting it slip that she has a fella and I still think you should make it known to family that they are BOTH seeing other people and have been for ages. This should stop your mum's behaviour towards you and stop you feeling so awkward when you've got nothing to feel awkward about.

 

[Beautyandme]

Hi, its very hard to do anything when its someone else's decision. You have your feelings about what they should do but no one can turn the wheel except them.

I think the only thing you can do is be prepared for the fall out (it does sound like its going to be a messy split, when that eventually happens) just make sure you protect yourself and your siblings and roll with the punches.

Divorce can be a messy process at times, but if your prepared for it, it will be easier and don't let yourself become a pawn in their game.

You love them both but this is just something that they need to experience, and it will only be down the line that they will have the knowledge and understanding of what has just happened and whether or not they should have done things differently.

 

[Mommabear]

Why do you feel that you can't say anything & have to hold it all in?

There is no rule that says you have to keep your parents secrets for them.

In your situation (where I feel your mum is behaving very badly towards you) I wouldn't feel guilty in letting it slip that she has a fella and I still think you should make it known to family that they are BOTH seeing other people and have been for ages. This should stop your mum's behaviour towards you and stop you feeling so awkward when you've got nothing to feel awkward about.

Its mainly because i dont want to fall out with either of them or any of my family..........over the past few weeks theres been a few snide comments to my partner about me thinking "the sun shines out my dads arse" which i dont.....but i chose a back seat to try and avoid the snidey comments xx

 

[Mommabear]

Hi, its very hard to do anything when its someone else's decision. You have your feelings about what they should do but no one can turn the wheel except them.

I think the only thing you can do is be prepared for the fall out (it does sound like its going to be a messy split, when that eventually happens) just make sure you protect yourself and your siblings and roll with the punches.

Divorce can be a messy process at times, but if your prepared for it, it will be easier and don't let yourself become a pawn in their game.

You love them both but this is just something that they need to experience, and it will only be down the line that they will have the knowledge and understanding of what has just happened and whether or not they should have done things differently.

Wise words thank you chick xx

 

[Baggybear]

Its mainly because i dont want to fall out with either of them or any of my family..........over the past few weeks theres been a few snide comments to my partner about me thinking "the sun shines out my dads arse" which i dont.....but i chose a back seat to try and avoid the snidey comments xx

Taking a back seat isn't avoiding the snide comments though is it. It isn't stopping you feeling awkward, it isn't helping that your mum has this secret & she is still putting you in situations you'd rather not be in.

If the truth was out about her fella then there wouldn't be so much awkward situations as everyone would know they are 1 as bad as each other and are both to "blame" for the divorce.

You do what you think is best but my advice is let it slip about your mum's bloke to some one in the family that is likely to pass the info on and go from there.

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Be careful.
I don't know who is at fault, but perhaps both of them? As I say, it can be difficult to judge from the outside.
I feel great sympathy for you, and hope there is a happier future for all. x

 

[Min]

Read the opening post but not all the replies

I feel very sorry for you and especially the younger kids. It must be extremely painful.

At the end if the day they are adults (although they are not behaving like it) they have more experience then you. I think you should try to stay out of it.
I think they will be fine, both have 'lovers' to help heal there wounds.

It really upset me, when you mentioned the kids. Most people will not agree with me but I think kids are more important then love in a marriage. I hope they will put the kids first however, it sounds like they are too loved up and in there own worlds to do so.

Ohh the pain! This is a nightmare, I really really pray things will get better.
Sending my love and hugs

 

[Mommabear]

Read the opening post but not all the replies

I feel very sorry for you and especially the younger kids. It must be extremely painful.

At the end if the day they are adults (although they are not behaving like it) they have more experience then you. I think you should try to stay out of it.
I think they will be fine, both have 'lovers' to help heal there wounds.

It really upset me, when you mentioned the kids. Most people will not agree with me but I think kids are more important then love in a marriage. I hope they will put the kids first however, it sounds like they are too loved up and in there own worlds to do so.

Ohh the pain! This is a nightmare, I really really pray things will get better.
Sending my love and hugs

What a lovely reply, thank you!

Theres been a lot in it since i last posted. I found out my nan knows about my mums fancy thing AND hed been round to her house! Safe to say i was extremely unimpressed and upset! Although, apparantly he was just a "friend", which i know for certain isnt the case as my mum told my boss (really good friend of hers) that she had called it off with him because i had found out! Which i know is a lie as she was round at his house a few weeks ago, when i phoned her she said she at her friends having a cuppa (blatant lie to my face as her car was sat outside his house :-/)
My twin brothers and little sister is my main priority at the minute, making sure there ok and not taking any of the blow from the divorce. They are doing great, school is boasting about how well there doing and they have some great little friends, so im not too worried at the minute they know if they want to speak to me they just need to phone me. One of my brothers has a thing for having a little conversation over text at around 11 every night haha bless him.

<3