Need a blooming life coach!

[Perfecttennails]

Hello ladies,
I warn you before you start reading this post, it won't be happy, it won't make you feel good and it's very depressing but I don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to i'm currently sitting on my sofa on my own was my daughter has her nap and it gives me a little bit of release talking to my iPhone and having it record what I say for you all to read. I just feel really rubbish and low at the moment and I have had those thoughts of surely it would just be easier to not exist any more? I don't want you all to panic, I don't plan on driving myself off the cliff or anything like that because that would be selfish to my husband and daughter, but sometimes it just seems like it would be so much easier because I don't see things getting any better. So where is the place to start there are quite a few points so stop the beginning...
1. How I look as a person.. I have never been attractive, I have always had a very unattractive face and have always been fat. Currently, I sit at around 18.5 stone! I feel like a fat pig and I weigh almost the same as my husband who is nearly 6ft and I'm 5ft 5! I know that I am overweight and I know I need to diet but I tell you now guys, I have no willpower! I wake up in the morning with the best intention of dieting and I just can't stop eating and I can't even tell you the reasons I do that?! I want to lose weight but I don't seem to be bothered to do anything about it so I continue walking around just looking like a house and it really gets me down a lot of the time I have ruined my hair over the years by trying to dye if, it's now a horrible colour and I don't know what to do to make it look better. However I have it cut, it won't sit right, it always just makes me look terrible. I've got a really big nose with a hook in it which doesn't make me look attractive, got terrible skin which a result of my weight and how I eat and I just feel like such a complete state! I can't see what my husband must be attracted to anyone and am embarrassed to be seen with him and my beautiful daughter I have trained as a nail tech but sometimes I think it's laughable me sitting there offering beauty treatments when I look such a fecking state! Every time I've been to beauty salon, it's always done by somebody who is up and together with their make up, tan and hair and look good! I look ridiculous in comparison.
2. I have no friends! it sounds ridiculous but I genuinely don't! I have who I would consider a best friend who is gay. He is in a completely different situation to me, he has no partner, always out on the drink every weekend which used to be how I was before I had my daughter. He seems to attract friends like poo attracts flies whereas it doesn't matter how I treat people or how nice I am, I don't make any new friends. They just chat to me there and then, but never ever consider invite me to anything. Every day, I sit at home on my own and the only people I see are my mum and my sister, and my gay mate once a weekish. Other than that, all the people around me who I thought were friends and I was worked with really were just people I talked to there and then. I might as well have dropped down dead, they don't know any different now. It really upsets me that I have no friends I can turn to and I have to write this on a forum to people I don't know because I have nobody I can sit down with a glass of wine and talk to.
3. Money problems - I am lucky and I do have mortgage with my husband for a three bedroom house which sounds great. however, he has never been great at handling his own money and it burns a hole in his pocket and I don't need much persuasion. Since I left work to stay at home with my daughter, we have got more and more into debt and I dread to think how much is on our credit card at the moment I would put it somewhere between £10-£15,000. We can't extend our mortgage because I don't work as I'm home with my daughter and he is underpaid in his job but cannot get a pay rise. I really don't want to go back to work and leave my daughter with someone else and I've spent god knows how much training up to be a nail tech and it's just not getting the business because at the end of the day, I don't have a big enough friends network to find clients and it upsets me that none of my friends have come to have a treatment to support me as a friend or at least recommend and share my business on Facebook.
I just feel like every aspect of my life is rubbish and I know people will say that at least you have a daughter and husband who loves you which is great, but it's not enough; whether that makes me sound greedy or not? I just hate the thought that I'm gonna be stuck in this downwards spiral of being a fat ugly unsuccessful prat with increasing debt problems and no friends. I know that none of you have a magic wand that will make me a skinny beautiful girl on magic away my money problems or make me feel better but it's really just nice to let this all out so it's off of my chest. I am sorry to bring anybody down who has read this, because it is a lovely weekend and I wish I had somebody to invite me down to the beach for a pint but at the moment as I say I'm stuck my house on a nice day on my own watching peppa pig with my daughter who is asleep xx

 

[virtues2011]

Ok. Interesting story. I'm not of sympathetic nature unfortunately, and all the 'oh that's awful, I feel for you' really isn't going to help, nor am I going to write it. What are YOU going to do to change your situation?

Break it down into small components, with titles. As an example; hair, weight, exercise, diet etc. .. Take one of these headings first and write down a list of what you want to change under these titles. . Tackle one heading at a time and that is your starting point.

It will take time. Reading your post I probably can take an educated guess that you have underlying issues stemming back a few years, even from childhood. . Most of us do.These need to be addressed probably in a professional capacity, don't be frightened to seek medical help for depression if you need to. Once you get both of these under control you can start to change the other issues that compound themselves. You will see clearer as at the moment you probably are overwhelmed with it all.

Take one day at a time, if you need motivational support then you can chat to us on here or confide in a friend but don't rely on this it has to come from you but is a great source of comfort.

No one will say it will be easy. . It will be harder than anything you have every done. But it can be done. Think positive.

I'm sure the other geeks will break it down into smaller sections for you. There are a lot of self help books at the library, get involved with some of the school or nursery mums. There are mother and toddler groups you can attend but you have to make the effort to go and join in. Get your head and thoughts in the right place first otherwise I don't see that this will work to your advantage.

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[Aphrodite26]

You sound like you are showing signs of depression hun.
I hated myself, was over weight, didn't bother with treatments etc thought I had no friends.....
You need to change it. Only you can.
Go for a walk with your daughter, my cousin lost 8stone by just pushing the buggy around walking.
Don't buy unhealthy food. Then it's not there to tempt you.
Contact people/friends on fb, i found they werent bothering with me but realised I too wasn't bothering with them.
Share your business on their page yourself. I do all the time.
Don't see yourself as not working staying at home with your daughter. See it as you work from home. If your mind says you don't work then you dont push yourself to do so. By doing this you will bring in more money.
Cut up the credit cards. You can't afford them.
This isn't me having a go. Believe me I've been there.
I hated my life. A lot of which was due to ill health and depression but I decided the only person who could change my life was me!
I've lost nearly 4st. Just by being more active, walking etc. my health problems aren't as bad as I don't let them stop me.
I got in touch with old friends, started having a life. Promoted my business at every opportunity until I was happy with the amount of clients.
I even had the bottle to do a naked calendar shoot for charity! And bloody loved it! A year ago i wouldn't leave the house!
Make the change hun. Hugs xx


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[Aphrodite26]

Ok me and my mummy geek have just given basically the same advice lol xx


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[happyfeet]

Oh lovey. First of all have bloody big virtual (((hug))). I've been in a similar position as you over the years, so can empathise. Have you been to your GP? Perhaps talking it over with a professional may help a little? Maybe a referral to a counsellor- your self esteem and confidence sounds shot honey and that's rotten for you.
Practical advice is there any way you could work from home. I know you have your little girl, but would evening appointments work when your husband is home? Working can do wonders for boosting your confidence and though us Mum's love our kids and husbands to bits, we also need something for ourselves too- your own business could be something you throw yourself in to avd as your daughter gets older, you can expand your business too.
With this industry therapists come in all shapes and sizes and that's the beauty of it all. Try to remember that.
How are you sleeping? Sleep deprivation can cause all manner of issues, believe me I know!
As for dieting, start small, healthy balanced dinners. Just adding fresh fruit and veg in to your meals helps. You don't even have to think of it as a diet. Eating well is good for you health and plays a major role in restoring your mental clarity. It's tough being home all day, I've struggled with that a lot over the years at times.
As for how you look, blimey missus don't have such a downer on yourself. Hair can be fixed, pop in to a salon and ask for a consultation to see what can be done. Practice those beauty treatments on yourself, it's one of the perks right you don't have to be tanned, made up to the nines either, pamper yourself lovey.
Talk to your husband about your money situation, don't worry about it alone. We bob along, it can feel like a bit of a downward spiral sometimes. If you do decide to work from home, that's another source of income for you both.
Regarding friends- as you get older and life moves on, some friends come and go. I moved to a new area 7 years ago, it was tough at the start I knew no one. I started work and made a handful of friends, I left there and on occasion still meet up. Perhaps drop someone a quick text and suggest a coffee. Social media like FB and SG have been a little life line for me. I've made some great friends that I haven't even met! I chat online to them and it's great. They've kept my sanity on a number of occasions. And better still, I can wear my pjs and no make up whilst I talk to them

I'm sorry you're feeling so down lovely, not sure if any of what I've said is of any use, but I hope you feel better soon. xxx


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[blondevondoll]

I don't personally know you, but I just want to send you the biggest virtual hug! It may not do much. But I want you to know, you're beautiful!
You're a mother, a wife .... A woman.
Nothing more beautiful is on this earth.
It's such a shame to see that society today makes us feel we are worthless.

The only one who can change this feeling is yourself. And I believe you have the will power to do that. Even if you don't. Today, you've chosen to vent out your feelings. Tomorrow, you should chose to make that change!!
You have a beautiful daughter. Don't let her become a shadow of how you feel. Children can easily pick up from any negative feelings.
If you feel you can't make the change for you. Make the change for her. Be positive.
You have a husband. And i'm sure he is not ashamed of you. Otherwise there would be no marriage. You can't let any insecurities come between you.
I know it's easier said than done. It's hard. But please don't give up on yourself. You deserve better than that.

I think once you start to feel better, you will find the passion to do nails.
Who says beauty is for skinny girls with perfect skin?
No one!! Beauty is for all, we are beautiful in our own way.
I've seen many beautiful looking girls. But their personality hides it all. They can be nasty, and that is unattractive.
Same as I've seen some women, who have an amazing personality. And you know what, their inner beauty shines through and makes them so lovely.
So don't feel that because of your weight/looks that you are not suitable to do nails. It's nonsense! If that was the case, I'd would have never been doing beauty at all either.

Keep your head up! And today, make the change to do something for yourself and family. Change/positivity is the only way you can come out the slump.
Good luck.
Xxxxx ❤️

 

[Kim Lawless]

I'm really sorry you feel so crap about yourself and your life but you can turn things around.

I'm sure that I'll be shot down for this but I don't care. I've been overweight all of my life and it has stopped me going to a lot of places and doing things.

If you have no willpower then go to see your doc about having a gastric band or bypass. I wish I'd had one! I know several people who have turned their life around by doing so and regardless of what some people may think, I believe that you being fat is having a knock on affect on the rest of your life. I've seen them blossom into the people they really were underneath.

As you lose weight you'll be more confident working in beauty and you'll feel more motivated in life generally. :hug:

 

[virtues2011]

I'm really sorry you feel so crap about yourself and your life but you can turn things around.

I'm sure that I'll be shot down for this but I don't care. I've been overweight all of my life and it has stopped me going to a lot of places and doing things.

If you have no willpower then go to see your doc about having a gastric band or bypass. I wish I'd had one! I know several people who have turned their life around by doing so and regardless of what some people may think, I believe that you being fat is having a knock on affect on the rest of your life. I've seen them blossom into the people they really were underneath.

As you lose weight you'll be more confident working in beauty and you'll feel more motivated in life generally. :hug:

Well, I agree with you Kim...but getting there is the hardest task in the world. I see people daily go from being 17 stone down to 11, I have a friend at the moment who has just done this, purely through self motivation, diet and exercise....and it looks easy. Put me in that position and you're asking me to build a spacecraft and land on the moon with just a DIY manual for reference. I can't get to grips with it at all. I wish I found this easy. I don't. I've missed years of spending time swimming, you won't get me a costume, wearing baggy clothes to hide the embarrassment, I haven't worn a dress for 20+ years. I have been to counselling and hypnotherapy, I have tried every diet going even the ones that cost £1000 a month. I still can't do it. I'm too frightened for a gastric band, you can't easily get these on the NHS. Affording one wouldn't be an issue so much, having it done and the discomfort afterwards would be. Do you feel the same ? x

 

[Kim Lawless]

Well, I agree with you Kim...but getting there is the hardest task in the world. I see people daily go from being 17 stone down to 11, I have a friend at the moment who has just done this, purely through self motivation, diet and exercise....and it looks easy. Put me in that position and you're asking me to build a spacecraft and land on the moon with just a DIY manual to help. I can't get to grips with it at all. I wish I found this easy. I don't. i'm too frightened for a gastric band, you can't easily get these on the NHS. Affording one wouldn't be an issue so much, having it done and the discomfort afterwards would be. Do you feel the same ? x

I've seen countless people lose stones on various diets and then put it all back on and more. It's not just about willpower…………we all turn to something as a crutch, whether it's drink, cleaning, compulsive spending, gambling, food etc etc, so if food is your thing, you'll just return to it another time. At least with the band/bypass it's more difficult to overeat.

I know people that have taken out a loan to get it done but they look and feel amazing so hats off to them. I've not met anyone that found the pain anything too bad but they all had keyhole surgery. x

 

[dudeymel]

I have a friend with a gastric band and because she still has the need to compulsively comfort eat she'll make herself sick while shes eating so she can keep going so I think if you are emotionally eating then counselling would be a good 1st step. To help with feeling positive, every night before you go to sleep go over all the positive things in your day, it can be tiny things like the bus turning up on time or sitting down with your fave hot choc. But if you keep it up every night it forces you to notice the good things that happen instead of just seeing the negative and then after a while you start to notice life isn't all that bad xx

 

[dudeymel]

Also sign up for a debt management plan, they consolodate all your debts, they get in touch with your lenders and work out payment plans so you end up paying them pennies. My mam has one which doesn't affect her mortgage and for £15,000 debt she pays £150 a month, it will take a while to pay off but it frees up a lot of money each month for general living. You should also look at the treatment swap page for someone in your area and you could trade hair for nails xx

 

[virtues2011]

I have a friend with a gastric band and because she still has the need to compulsively comfort eat she'll make herself sick while shes eating so she can keep going so I think if you are emotionally eating then counselling would be a good 1st step. To help with feeling positive, every night before you go to sleep go over all the positive things in your day, it can be tiny things like the bus turning up on time or sitting down with your fave hot choc. But if you keep it up every night it forces you to notice the good things that happen instead of just seeing the negative and then after a while you start to notice life isn't all that bad xx

Gosh, that's not good at all.

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Perfecttennails:

You have done so well to come on here and identify, with great self-knowledge, your problems. You're already well on the way to a happier time.

It seems that you are suffering from depression, which has led to very low self-esteem. But I have absolutely no medical training, and you really do need to see your GP on Monday. If you are in a group practice ask the receptionist who is best for this sort of problem, and state firmly that you need to see them urgently.

If your depression is tackled, the rest may well follow. For example you're probably sabotaging your weight and are also seeing only your faults in the mirror.

I wish you the very best. Please let us know how you get on.

 

[jacquelineanna]

This is a very brave and honest post :hug:

You should print it off along with Kim's post, attach a cover letter with it and send it to your doctor - it's easier for a doctor to digest your situation in its written form rather than you have to try and get it all out in five minutes.

In your cover letter plead for some help with your weight, hopefully your doctor will be happy to put you forward for a gastric band.

He/she may not be able to help with your finances or finding friends, but your weight is probably a huge barrier to you even leaving the house to try and find friends in the first place.

With regard to your finances would it be possible for you and your husband to go to Citizens Advice Bureau - they may well be able to help you with the credit card(s) situation .. perhaps assist you with contacting these companies and making some kind of agreement to repay and halt the interest being accrued. I don't know if they can do that but I am sure they will be able to offer the best advice.

I sincerely wish you well with your quest - be brave and actually take the first step to really help yourself by getting yourself some help!! :Love:

 

[Nikki May]

Hey hon, I would say get to your GP. Tell them you would like to try some CBT, it doesn't work for everyone but they can give you techniques to cope with your problems.
Diets do not work. Waking up tomorrow and changing the way you eat is impossible. It has taken me 30 years to finally clean up my diet. It takes slow small steps. Try changing small things like switching to wholemeal bread, rice and pasta. Grill, steam and stir fry your food. Fancy a burger grab some lean mince and make your own they taste so much better anyway. Fancy a fry up? Grill it. Fancy a Chinese? Grab a wok, noodles and some 5 spice. Pizza? Buy a base and home make. You can have as many toppings as you like then. Promise your self you will make 1 small change a week. That is so much easier than lots of changes all at once. Try new foods. Even ones you hate. Your tastebuds change every 2 weeks.

As virtues mentioned self help books. I thought I would say one that is helping me is "The Morning Miracle". X

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[coco.]

First off, you need a big hug xxx

Secondly you need to stop looking at the negatives and turn them into positives, before you can tackle your weight etc you need to change your way of thinking

Small steps are the best way forward, even going for a walk everyday with your daughter will be a change, the sun will do you good, the fresh air clears your mind and you will probably lose a few pounds each week, and when you start losing it slowly it will build your confidence, if you only lose 1 pound don't think oh it was only 1 pound I'm disappointed, think well it's better than gaining 1 pound

You have to turn your mind to think positively

You've trained as a nail tech, that's great and a huge achievement DO NOT belittle it with thinking your not good enough to do it as you out in your post

Sit by yourself with a notepad and pen and list the things you want to change and then write how you will change them, set yourself small achievable goals

Just take that first little step to become the person you want to be

Definitely go and see your gp and discuss how you feel, ask for some therapy if you'd prefer not to take pills to help

Remember - Think Positive xxx

 

[lila22]

Can't say much more then the other lovely geeks have put but just want you to no we are friends here if you need us.
I would agree get to the doctors it sounds like you have a dark cloud that needs lifting. Sending you hugs xxxx

 

[essentia]

I agree with others to go and see your GP as a first port of call although I personally would not go for weight loss surgery initially. It is your thoughts which need addressing. There are those who have lost weight but still struggle as their thoughts have not changed. Write a gratitude journal - all the things that were good about each day. You will be surprised at how many good things happen even on mediocre days when you notice them. What are the good things about YOU - everyone has some. As for not being invited anywhere - why don't you offer potential friends to come over for coffee? Tackle a few small things - your hair for example, go to consultations keep trying to find someone who will work with you and change your appearance. Things may not happen overnight but there are some things you can do right now. Step by step you will turn round and see how far you have come but only you can start the journey.

 

[Bonnie@lashout]

I am not usually the best person at understanding emotions of others. But honestly I've been there, and reading the responses it sounds like a lot of other geeks have too. Your be surprised at how many people around you have felt the way you do..... talk to them about it! Its doing you no good keeping it all bottled up.
The other geeks have mentioned listing things that you feel are the problem. That's a great way to start. When your in a situation like yours its the same one I was in. Lack of confidence and unsure of my future made me constantly panic about silly stupid things.
It can feel like its one big vicious circle of pain but its not. Actually its just fear of the unknown, you know you want to change but I feel your a bit scared that you can't do it.
You can!!!!
Choose a charity....one close to your heart. Set up a just giving page and get people to sponsor you to getting fit....getting fit involves going to a class....class means meeting new people....potential clients.... make money....less debt.

Small victories lead to big battles won!

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[nickysnails200]

Hey Hun really sorry to hear you feel this way x as others have said you definitely sound like to have depression and need to see a doctor x I had a really sh*tty year last year n I want to curl up n not wake up I'd put on 5 stone due to an op n I couldn't exercise n any time I saw myself in the mirror I wanted to cry my partner and parents urged me to go see a doctor n I'm glad I did telling the doctor how I felt made me realise I had a problem anti depressants don't have to be a long term thing I was on them for a few months and I'm happy I can see things a lot clearer and it's more manageable x I felt that I'd lost all my friends so I got in touch with a couple of girls who I had been really close invite them places and they'll return it sometimes you need to take the first step x just write down what you want to change and write down how you can change it even if it's little things like take your child to the local park but walk there, have a look for free mummy child classes you can go to gives you a chance to meet local mums so you can network and make friends x I know it's hard to see an end to it but it will get better x just little things like always have your nails done to show your skills it's the little things that make the biggest difference x hope you feel better soon and if you need someone to talk to we're always here xx