Oh no what have I said!!!

#1
HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN AND WISHED YOU COULD IMMEDIATELY RETRACT YOUR WORDS?

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their taco's laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow - but don't get any....a true story. We had a female News anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
 

1999judy

Well-Known Member
#2
How long have you got?:lol:

My life is this way!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who cares??
 

Ruth Mills

Well-Known Member
#3
LOL that's funny!

Almost as bad as the tongue-tied male customer in the leather shop who got punched in the face by the female shop assistant when he asked her for "some booze and a shag" (he meant to say some shoes and a bag lol)...
 

1999judy

Well-Known Member
#4
LOL that's funny!

Almost as bad as the tongue-tied male customer in the leather shop who got punched in the face by the female shop assistant when he asked her for "some booze and a shag" (he meant to say some shoes and a bag lol)...
:lol::lol::lol:
 

#5
thanks for the great stories i love them im in stiches
my tummy hurt from laughing so hard
 

#6
LOL that's funny!

Almost as bad as the tongue-tied male customer in the leather shop who got punched in the face by the female shop assistant when he asked her for "some booze and a shag" (he meant to say some shoes and a bag lol)...
rofl thats sooo funny:)
 

#7
thanks for the great stories i love them im in stiches
my tummy hurt from laughing so hard
glad to be of help:lol: laughter is the best medicine:)
 

#8
your welcome thanks for he way cool stories
 

#9
Ha ha ha !!!! :lol: :lol:
 

#10
Thanks for a great giggle!! :)
 

minky

Well-Known Member
#11
It was Christmas and I was talking to a client one day and mentioned that the postman was late ,
so I told the customer that
"I felt sorry for the postman at this time of year because his sacs must be so heavy for him :eek:
they were all rolling around laughing at me , I wonder why :confused:

Then my hubby asked his his old aunt would she like a ****s bizz instead of a bucks fizz oopsy :hug: x
 

tracey louise

Well-Known Member
#12
how funny are these:lol::lol::lol: thanks for sharing geeks
 

#13
Omg!!!!!!!!!!! Soooooooooooo funny cant stop laughing. Fantastic cheered me up no end! xxxxxxxxx
 

jed

New Member
#14
:lol::lol::lol::lol:
Thanks for that really needed a good laugh.
:hug:
 

#15
what a laugh. well me and my mam went shopping recently and we had a look in the body shop ( shes a nightmare to go shopping with she looks at every item in the bloody shop and reads it from top to bottom lolx) anyway she picked up a few things and went to the counter she said to the lady HOW MUCH ARE YOUR £10 POUND BASKETS? well i did no more than ran out of the bloody shop lol
 

pure

Super Moderator
Staff member
#16
Excellent! :lol::lol::lol:
 

angel fingers

Well-Known Member
#17
i once saw trevor mcdonald [a very serious and professional newsreader for those outside the u.k]
get the beginning of his words mixed up when trying to say

"kent countryside" :eek:
 

sj1973

Well-Known Member
#18
This was not a talking funny as such but here goes.....

I was in tesco's with my 3 kids and a old-ish man walked passed us ...as he did he pumped...i turned round to my daughter who was gobsmacked that he never said pardon.......i turned getting my onions and started laughing.....then i was crying with laughter.....

It was my daughters face that made me laugh....she was :eek::eek::eek::eek:.....

Another old-ish man walked passed and said "its great in this day and age to see people happy".!!!!!:lol::lol::lol:xxxxxxxxxxxx
 

#19
I was cutting a blokes hair who was having a new style he came in with a step and wanted it cut out - I'd cut the top and needed to answer the phone, as I walked away to the phone I yelled 'wont be a minute, I'll just get this then I'll get your MUSHROOM OUT':lol: OMG totally embarassing.

Do you remember that comedy with Kathy Burke in who played a woman with really bad ginger hair who lived with her gay best friend-well:
My son once wouldn't let us leave a local cafe until he had said hello to 'the lady out of Gimme-Gimme-Gimme'. This lady was waiting to be served with really badly home dyed hair, my son was saying 'mom I wanna say hello to the lady off the telle'- he never did I've never moved so quick in my life!!!
 
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