Personal life advice difficulties

[Hope241]

Sorry This maybe a long one. Im a geek regular but dont want to use my geek name. Been with my Partner 8 yrs trying to conceive for 6 yrs. 2 cycles of IVF later we are still childless. On paper it is my partner with sperm problems. even with ivf we dont have great results poor embryo development. guess we are possibly incompatable. The easy option would be to adopt but my partner isnt entertaining that idea. This is my main problem. He also wont contimplate using an egg or sperm donor or both. I would do any. I am desperate.

This part is difficult to admit so please be kind. I was with my childhood sweetheart on & off we always went back to each other from being 14 to 21. I got pregnant at 18, I was at college working a saturday job only. We didnt have a pot to p in. So we made the tough decision to have an early medical abortion. This guilt lives with me everyday. I feel i am being punished for my actions. This guy always has loved me and according to him still now 8.5 yrs on he still does. i will always love him to. Think we all still love our 1st love I think thats normal. We bumped in to each other 2 wks ago in a club he made a bee line for me n spent the whole night declaring his love for me. He has a girlfriend. Been with her for 5 yrs. he kissed me. I was drunk n kissed him back.

Felt horrific the next day with worry n guilt. If I could turn back the clock i would. Its not an excuse but i was very drunk. Never done anything like it before. If all that isnt tricky enough my ex has got my number off mutual friends when he texts it makes me smile just general chatting not anything seedy. My partner doesnt plan our future n is abit self centred as long as he is ok. For every bad point he has a good point n i love him. But i feel so torn I want a baby so bad n i want more from my relationship my partner works long hours so i can sometimes feel a bit lonely n empty. I think maybe im forgetting we all want the perfect relationship to. Easy to focus on what we havent got isnt it.

I cant help but think i could have a baby with my ex n he is the oppasite of my partner he is open comminucates n always use to talk about our future unfortunetly i broke his heart when we split up as he wasnt maturing as quick as I was. Im so confused. You just assume you will have children until you cant.

I need some third party views Im 29 my biological clock is ticking. Do i stick out hoping my partner n i will get pregnant? Do i give up wanting to have children for love? these 8 yrs have gone in the blink of an eye in another 8 yrs I wont still b fertile. Do i try to change his mind in adoption? He goes in a mood n says ive already told u how i feel, lets try n have our own! we bloody have tried. it has to b me who brings up babies fertility treatment n so on. He has in the past kicked up a fuss saying he doesnt want any more ivf when we r sat waiting in the clinic as its running late n he has to go back to work. I have cried n cried over this for the last week.

Please be kind to me im struggling. N I dont know anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Hope x

 

[virtues2011]

Reading your story, I believe you know your answer already you just have to act on it. Only you can make the decision but whatever you decide have no regrets. You only live once and you are a very long time dead. Follow your heart to happiness. x

Make some appointments if you can with a counsellor, they can't tell you what to do but they may help you understand your feelings and you should be able to make your decision without all the guilty thoughts of hurting others you my be harbouring. The best of luck. It will be ok.

 

[marie hilton]

Reading your story, I believe you know your answer already you just have to act on it. Only you can make the decision but whatever you decide have no regrets. You only live once and you are a very long time dead. Follow your heart to happiness. x

I agree with virtues, u know ur answer. Follow ur gut instinct it is a powerful thing x

 

[Trinity]

:hug: Bless you, you sound so unhappy and desperate, I'm sorry you're struggling.

From some outside perspective I think you have 3 separate issues and they are being clouded and confused by each other. How about trying to deal with them individually instead of one big emotional mess.

1) Things don't seem completely settled with current partner, IVF/babies/ex not included, it seems that you two struggle to communicate with each other in a way that makes you both happy and settled. This at the best of times can be trying without adding all the other stuff. Ask yourself (honestly) if you can be happy with this person for the rest of your life even if you have a baby? (the baby will not solve the issues, if anything it will highlight any cracks in the relationship). If you can't imagine being happy with the way the relationship runs in the good times, it certainly won't work in the bad times.

2) Having a baby, you are 29 you have PLENTY of baby making years ahead of you :hug: You know as well as anyone that stress and a settled mental frame of mind is so important during the process and if your relationship is not in a great place this is only going to add to the issues. I'm not saying that it will magically happen if the stress goes away, but it's certainly not helping. You are not being punished for your previous actions, you did the right thing for everyone at the time. The only person punishing you is yourself, please please please stop thinking like that.

3) Your ex. Hmmm, the grass is always greener on the other side, especially when it's all a bit **** on this side :wink2: If you no longer want to be with your currently partner, then end it because you don't want to be with him, not because you want to be with someone else. And if you seriously want to be with someone else then it's kinder and more caring to cut your current partner free sooner rather than later so he is free to find happiness too.

I think virtues2011 is absolutely right in suggesting some counselling, you need somewhere to vent and explore how you feel without judgement or emotions being involved. Who knows where you end up and who with, but you'll be more able to see the wood for the trees :hug:

 

[Hope241]

Thank you for your kind words n not judging me or thinking im a cow coz thats how i feel. I dont want to hurt any one. Im scared. scared il make a wrong choice what ever i do. There is no right answer.

Hope x

 

[Angelicaa]

I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I know how it feels, how much stress ttc can bring and how much it can affect everything. It's a roller coaster! As it was already said, it might be a good idea to look for counselling just to be able to identify more clearly what's real and what is not so real. I hope I make sense.
Big hug


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[dandelionpoppy]

Step away from the ex.

The main issue here is having a baby.

Write a calm and loving letter to your partner, really expressing how you feel. Pop out to the shops while he reads it. He may not be able to respond immediately, but ask him to do so within a week.

From there you can take your life forward - but don't involve anyone else. x

 

[Hope241]

Trinity you are right. N my ex has come along at a time i have all the added stress of everything else to think about. It seems like a glimmer of hope. The cause of my unhappiness is mainly not knowing if we will have a baby. Which i know I could with my ex.

Should my partner agree to adoption but further down the line i think id breath easy for a while just knowing that one day it will be ok. then again as you pointed out he doesnt communicate as well as Id like. if we didnt have the baby problem i think i could cope with it as he hasnt ever been any different n it seems to b big things he finds hard to discuss. It does drive me mad when i sometimes wonder if im wasting my time. Good point. It would b easier if he was more open.

Can i just call a counsellor or do i need to be referred from my Gp? That also scares me incase it gets noted n worked against me if I ever had to go down the adoption route.

Hope x

 

[virtues2011]

Trinity you are right. N my ex has come along at a time i have all the added stress of everything else to think about. It seems like a glimmer of hope. The cause of my unhappiness is mainly not knowing if we will have a baby. Which i know I could with my ex.

Should my partner agree to adoption but further down the line i think id breath easy for a while just knowing that one day it will be ok. then again as you pointed out he doesnt communicate as well as Id like. if we didnt have the baby problem i think i could cope with it as he hasnt ever been any different n it seems to b big things he finds hard to discuss. It does drive me mad when i sometimes wonder if im wasting my time. Good point. It would b easier if he was more open.

Can i just call a counsellor or do i need to be referred from my Gp? That also scares me incase it gets noted n worked against me if I ever had to go down the adoption route.

Hope x

You can just call a counsellor in your local area, if you wish to pay privately, no one would know. You can get counselling from your doctor which is free of charge but there is a waiting list and if I am not mistaken you only receive a certain amount of sessions, around six I believe and this will be recorded on your history. Have a look on the internet for counsellors in your area, they usually have websites that show their charges.

 

[Hope241]

Step away from the ex.

The main issue here is having a baby.

Write a calm and loving letter to your partner, really expressing how you feel. Pop out to the shops while he reads it. He may not be able to respond immediately, but ask him to do so within a week.

From there you can take your life forward - but don't involve anyone else. x

Good idea. Sometimes n this is weird I text him about big things like ivf give him time to process with out getting in a mood or defensive n causing an arguement. It would b nice if he brought it up or did some reasearch instead of me.

Hope x

 

[Hope241]

Thank you virtues. I would prefer the do the private route.

Hope x

 

[virtues2011]

Good idea. Sometimes n this is weird I text him about big things like ivf give him time to process with out getting in a mood or defensive n causing an arguement. It would b nice if he brought it up or did some reasearch instead of me.

Hope x

He doesn't have the same thought process as you when it comes to the IVF, you have stated this already. Unless you are on the same page of the book so to speak you may be fighting a loosing battle but you won't know until you try so Dande has some good advice here.

 

[Hope241]

He doesn't have the same thought process as you when it comes to the IVF, you have stated this already. Unless you are on the same page of the book so to speak you may be fighting a loosing battle but you won't know until you try so Dande has some good advice here.

Yes you are spot on. Even though i have wrote what you have read it seems clearer to me when you point it out. Think i wear rose tinted glasses sometimes.

Hope x

 

[marie hilton]

Trinity you are right. N my ex has come along at a time i have all the added stress of everything else to think about. It seems like a glimmer of hope. The cause of my unhappiness is mainly not knowing if we will have a baby. Which i know I could with my ex.

Should my partner agree to adoption but further down the line i think id breath easy for a while just knowing that one day it will be ok. then again as you pointed out he doesnt communicate as well as Id like. if we didnt have the baby problem i think i could cope with it as he hasnt ever been any different n it seems to b big things he finds hard to discuss. It does drive me mad when i sometimes wonder if im wasting my time. Good point. It would b easier if he was more open.

Can i just call a counsellor or do i need to be referred from my Gp? That also scares me incase it gets noted n worked against me if I ever had to go down the adoption route.

Hope x

Asking for help ie counselling, won't affect u adopting, so don't worry about that.

 

[virtues2011]

Yes you are spot on. Even though i have wrote what you have read it seems clearer to me when you point it out. Think i wear rose tinted glasses sometimes.

Hope x

Don't be hard on yourself here. I see you clearly have more than one issue going on and they all seem to compound themselves into one massive circle I'm sure. I don't know your personal circumstances but I had a first love (even after I got married at 22 and it wasn't my then husband!)....I spilt with my husband and got together with a lovely guy, but things didn't work out and we split up after a few years, not that I wanted to...I was heartbroken for a long time, probably never really got over him...we both met other people but always came back to each other, we got married and it was the happiest day of my life, but the opposite happened, he wanted children and I really didn't. I already had a daughter. He then made the decision to not to worry about the children side of things but were we truly happy? not really. We separated again three years ago but I am now with someone who I wouldn't want to be without and we are extremely happy. Funny how things change really...

 

[Nearlyme]

If it is not working with your husband then adding the ex into the mix isn't going to help is it?

You are blaming him for your childlessness, he has a low sperm count. How would you make him feel if you left him and quickly took up and got pregnant with your ex. Turn it on its head and see how you would feel

Do you love your husband or is your desire for a baby more important? Sorry for being brutal x

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[virtues2011]

If it is not working with your husband then adding the ex into the mix isn't going to help is it?

You are blaming him for your childlessness, he has a low sperm count. How would you make him feel if you left him and quickly took up and got pregnant with your ex. Turn it on its head and see how you would feel

Do you love your husband or is your desire for a baby more important? Sorry for being brutal x

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....But he doesn't share the same feelings towards the IVF or adoption. I can't see anywhere where the blame is put on him, unfortunately the low sperm count it is just a fact of the situation. If one of you want a child and the other isn't too concerned about trying different methods...would you stay with them? I think one party would end up quite bitter in the end. I understand your last question but unless you can come to terms with the fact that quite possibly you're never going to have a child - which isn't something that the OP is happy with at the moment I'm not sure if either could make each other happy....it just turns to resentment.

 

[Hope241]

Don't be hard on yourself here. I see you clearly have more than one issue going on and they all seem to compound themselves into one massive circle I'm sure. I don't know your personal circumstances but I had a first love (even after I got married at 22 and it wasn't my then husband!)....I spilt with my husband and got together with a lovely guy, but things didn't work out and we split up after a few years, not that I wanted to...I was heartbroken for a long time, probably never really got over him...we both met other people but always came back to each other, we got married and it was the happiest day of my life, but the opposite happened, he wanted children and I really didn't. I already had a daughter. He then made the decision to not to worry about the children side of things but were we truly happy? not really. We separated again three years ago but I am now with someone who I wouldn't want to be without and we are extremely happy. Funny how things change really...

It is strange. N thanks for sharing your story. My partner is lovely if we were on the same page about children n he opened up more i think id b quite happy its just taken over my life for 6 yrs n i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. Wish i could wave a magic wand n make things ok. I dont want to throw the last 8 yrs away. But I do want some say in my future which with infertility has been taken away.

Hope x

 

[Hope241]

If it is not working with your husband then adding the ex into the mix isn't going to help is it?

You are blaming him for your childlessness, he has a low sperm count. How would you make him feel if you left him and quickly took up and got pregnant with your ex. Turn it on its head and see how you would feel

Do you love your husband or is your desire for a baby more important? Sorry for being brutal x

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No adding my ex wont help. N yes id hate it if it was the other way around. Fair point. I dont blame him as such I do think we r not compatable to make a child which is why ive suggested using his sperm n an egg donor to see if that helped. Suggested a sperm donor or adoption as other options just he does not feel comfortable with that.

I can say im not sure which is more important. Its easy to say a baby whilst i have my partner. I dont know how to make that choice.

Hope xx

 

[Hope241]

....But he doesn't share the same feelings towards the IVF or adoption. I can't see anywhere where the blame is put on him, unfortunately the low sperm count it is just a fact of the situation. If one of you want a child and the other isn't too concerned about trying different methods...would you stay with them? I think one party would end up quite bitter in the end. I understand your last question but unless you can come to terms with the fact that quite possibly you're never going to have a child - which isn't something that the OP is happy with at the moment I'm not sure if either could make each other happy....it just turns to resentment.

Exactly my worries.

Hope x