So fed up with my life!

[Rockinthe80s]

As the title says really.. I'm just fed up of my life!

I got married 3 years ago and I am so unhappy in my marital family. None of the peers (particularly the girls) have ever made an effort to get to know me or become friends with me (including my husbands sister). She knows nothing about me as she's never bothered to have a conversation with me that's lasted more than 30 seconds!

However, I am still expected by my husbands family to turn up to family events etc or pop down to in-laws whenever husbands sister is visiting and tbh I don't want to.. Because there is no interest there for me as no one has befriended me. They are such a cold family. I have tried so hard in the years to build some kind of relationship, but my efforts are never reciprocated.

My husbands sister often ignores me (pretends not to hear), has NEVER called me by my name, doesn't wish me a happy birthday (doesn't even know when it is).

I've offered free nails to husbands friends, family members to get some practice in on new effects I would like to try and no-one even takes me up on my offer! I don't know anyone else where I am and had really hoped my husbands family would help support my business, if even only for a bit of free publicity!

I have social anxiety and quite often situations where I don't know too many people make me very uncomfortable. So when people don't talk to me, I talk to them to make life easier for me. I'm ok one to one, so I'll spark up conversations, but come the next time it's back to square one!

In my husbands friends circle, there are only 2 other females, both of which were fully established within the circle before I came along. I have had them both over for dinner, and still the effort doesn't get made back. Which is fine... But then, my husband feels like he is missing out on his family and friends time, with me. I never stop him going alone, I'm happy to stay at home, but he is a loving husband and wants me there.. He's embarrassed going alone!

I have spoken out to my in-laws about the way his sister is with me. I explained to my MIL that if sister can't be bothered to make an effort, then I in turn am not obligated to visit when she's coming over to in laws.

The whole situation caused a lot of unhappiness within the family. But I had to speak out.

I have only one male friend left. He is my best friend and my shoulder of support. My female friends have never been there for me, so I have let them go. Not one of them could spare some time for me to just talk. Just the once.. One watched me blubber as she lay (yes, lay) on my sofa and all she did was put me down further and didn't even offer to get me a tissue, let alone console me! And trust me.. I needed a tissue!!! I have so many stories, but I think this post is already long enough!

Even within my own family, I only have my mum, but even my mum will sometimes get annoyed with me, for eg, New Year's Day was at mums. I felt really unwell, but she still wanted her nails doing which I did, but she could see I wasn't well. Then she asked me to do her brows etc and at this point it was already 9.30pm on New Year's Day, so I suggested she go into town and get them done following day (as we live about 45 mins from my mum) and she didn't like it. I have never in all my years of working as a therapist, asked her to go anywhere else or charged her a penny. The first time I do, I get the cold Shoulder for 3 weeks, wont take my calls. Any communication she needed to make with me was via cold emails and texts.

So, basically I have 1 friend (but he is the best), my lovely husband and my loopy mum. I've been so sad for so long, the dr has now put me on citalopram for my depressive episodes!

I had counselling... The councellor asked if I had a problem with women, to which i replied "no, they have a problem with me". I believe this! I am friendly and I try (despite my anxiety and depression) but my efforts fall on deaf ears!

I would love my own family, but we are finding it difficult to conceive. Plus I have health problems too and I'm 34 so time is not on my side!

I know many of you will think this is such a negative thread (which it is), BUT I have been holding myself strong and getting on with my life normally, until a year ago. I have had to be strong for so much of my life, dealt with s**t, put on a brave face and carried on with life, but now I can't cope. I'm wasting my life away!

Sorry for long post...x

 

[NailsXpress]

Are there any groups near you that you could join to gain new friends? Have you thought about the gym? Maybe try badminton, squash, even table tennis. Anything, doesn't have to be sporty. Just something that involves two or more people so that you all have to interact or talk to each other.

What about a book club, you all read a book then discuss it.

The Womes Institute. Apparently It's not all oldies knitting or baking these days.

Just trying to think of things for you to join so that you can make friends away from the family and join in on something.

During the better weather there are also cycling routes that are practically free and you just book on line and you all meet up together and go off for a ride. There are easy routes and harder ones too. You and hubby could do it together too, but if he doesn't want to then you can still go on your own with the group.

I'm thinking that maybe if the family hear you are out doing stuff, they may start questioning you about it and then this would start conversations within the family group too, perhaps.

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I really feel for you. I don't know what to suggest. I also come from and have married into a dysfunctional family. The only family on my husbands side We speak to is his mum. The only family on my side is two of my four brothers.

I also don't seem to be able to get close to women. I have had plenty of friends in the past but got so burned by them that I had to give them up, one by one.

Now I am happy on my own and don't give a flying fig about anyone except me and hubby and our two girls. Don't get me wrong, we have friends we go out with but there's no one I would ring for a chat. Probably why I'm on SG so much! :wink2:

You can't change people. If his sister is a cow, no matter what your efforts, its not going to change. Good for you for speaking up to the in-laws. Don't go round when she's there. At least they'll know why. You'll probably be spoiling her fun if you're not there. So good!

The two women in your husbands friend circle, well, you made an effort. They're rude, they should have reciprocated. Forget about it. You don't need their approval. But do go out with hubby when he goes out with his friends. It will help build your confidence. Don't try too hard. Just enjoy your time out with your hubby.

Don't take people's attitudes to heart too much. Most of the time they're just jealous of you. Honestly! Think about it and laugh out loud. I always do.

I bet the sister is seething with the green eyed monster squirming inside her.

 

[virtues2011]

There is a very well known saying 'Get rid of those that use your energy and bring you down'.....but, there could be many that say that say the same about you. Sometimes those people that are 'hard work' are easier left behind....Take a look at yourself to see if any of these issues are facing you, and don't always believe it is everyone else's fault or problem, often this is not the case. Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be. :biggrin:

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I honestly think its a jealousy issue. I'm speaking from experience. I also tried hard with the in laws to have it all thrown back in my face. Years later MIL has confirmed that they (brother in law, his wife, sister in law and demented father in law) are all jealous of us because my husband has done so well in business without help from anyone. They're all stuck on benefit street and well, we're far removed from it, to say the least.

I see it time and time again. My husband's ex boss' parents wouldn't speak to him and hadnt for over 20 years because he founded a multi million pound company and didn't follow in his fathers footsteps to become a tailor.

And it's not just money that drives it. Maybe you're better looking than them. Or skinnier. Women can be evil. But, some can be lovely too. ( My clients and small circle of dining/drinking friends). As long as you don't get too close.

There's a mum at school who looks like she's just stepped out of a magazine. Sort of a Cameron Diaz type but prettier. She's lovely to talk to. But most of the mums bitch about her. There's nothing to bitch about. They have to invent crap. Jealousy, again!

 

[virtues2011]

I honestly think its a jealousy issue. I'm speaking from experience. I also tried hard with the in laws to have it all thrown back in my face. Years later MIL has confirmed that they (brother in law, his wife, sister in law and demented father in law) are all jealous of us because my husband has done so well in business without help from anyone. They're all stuck on benefit street and well, we're far removed from it, to say the least.

I see it time and time again. My husband's ex boss' parents wouldn't speak to him and hadnt for over 20 years because he founded a multi million pound company and didn't follow in his fathers footsteps to become a tailor.

And it's not just money that drives it. Maybe you're better looking than them. Or skinnier. Women can be evil. But, some can be lovely too. ( My clients and small circle of dining/drinking friends). As long as you don't get too close.

There's a mum at school who looks like she's just stepped out of a magazine. Sort of a Cameron Diaz type but prettier. She's lovely to talk to. But most of the mums bitch about her. There's nothing to bitch about. They have to invent crap. Jealousy, again!

I agree with you MM, money and divides of people over money are great. I know full well what people think of my situation. I speak to none of my family, nor have I for years. My mothers attitude to me when I told her what I was doing was "You're just a big head" NO not at all, I work hard for what I have and the stress can be blinding, my point was 'no one gave me what I have' on a plate - I have over the years worked to the bone, very few see this, including my mother!

However I really have little time for woe is me and negativity from others- that attitude can bring people down very quickly. I have 'friends'...more so when someone wants something! the general consensus from what I have witnessed over the years is "it's ok for her, she can afford it" not "Good for her she deserves it". I have only a few friends these days but they are a crowd that my husband and I socialise with, which is good fun. But generally most people want something for nothing especially if they know you can provide it, whatever it is!

For those not (un) fortunate enough to be in that position I do have to ask why - I don't believe that it always about others, sometimes you can rectify things if you take a good old look at yourself.

 

[Mobile Manicure]

Yes, again Virtues you are right in all you say above. You choose who you want to spend time with. If there's animosity, don't spend time with them. Feel free and liberated that you don't have to, not sorry for yourself.

I've never been happier now that I don't see the people who try to bring me down. So OP, next time you see that sister in law, stick two fingers up at her and laugh in her face.

 

[NailsXpress]

It definitely sounds like jealousy.

Finds friends elsewhere. You don't need to be around unproductive people who make you feel down.

I missed my mums birthday party because I had clients. Sorry but work comes first at the moment. The. When I saw my sister to do her nails last week she didn't say anything about her daughters birthday party. I knew nothing about it until her husband came into the kitchen and asked if I was coming the next day! She went a bit red in the face and I knew instantly it was her paying me back because I didn't come to mums!

She even made excuses for me to him, saying, she's busy, probably won't be able to come etc etc.
When her dauber came home from school, I asked her if she was looking forward to her party and she said that it's getting out of hand. I only wanted my friends, but mum and dad are inviting everyone! She's only 13. I decided not to go anyway as there were far too many for a restaurant. 22 in all.

But anyway, we used to get on so well, very very close, but when me and my hubby started making a better life for ourselves, we soon found out who our friends were and who was just jealous.

We have new friends now and our businesses and just see family now and again.

 

[Rockinthe80s]

I really feel for you. I don't know what to suggest. I also come from and have married into a dysfunctional family. The only family on my husbands side We speak to is his mum. The only family on my side is two of my four brothers.

I also don't seem to be able to get close to women. I have had plenty of friends in the past but got so burned by them that I had to give them up, one by one.

Now I am happy on my own and don't give a flying fig about anyone except me and hubby and our two girls. Don't get me wrong, we have friends we go out with but there's no one I would ring for a chat. Probably why I'm on SG so much! :wink2:

You can't change people. If his sister is a cow, no matter what your efforts, its not going to change. Good for you for speaking up to the in-laws. Don't go round when she's there. At least they'll know why. You'll probably be spoiling her fun if you're not there. So good!

The two women in your husbands friend circle, well, you made an effort. They're rude, they should have reciprocated. Forget about it. You don't need their approval. But do go out with hubby when he goes out with his friends. It will help build your confidence. Don't try too hard. Just enjoy your time out with your hubby.

Don't take people's attitudes to heart too much. Most of the time they're just jealous of you. Honestly! Think about it and laugh out loud. I always do.

I bet the sister is seething with the green eyed monster squirming inside her.

Thanks mobile! I really have come to deal with the fact that if these people don't want to know, then so be it. But, my husband gets upset that I no longer wish to socialise with his family or friends. So I decided to just go with it.. Have a miserable, awkward time.. All for my husbands sake. It's just **** that I have to live life like this! I just want to move away and start over somewhere fresh, with my husband but he is so reluctant to move away from his family, friends, job etc. But I always have this pressure to attend events with people I dislike, where my only company is my husband. I feel like a bit of a pleb!

He himself has noticed that none of the people he knows ever bother with me. He doesn't understand either!

Genuinely though, I can't think of any reason anyone would have to be jealous of me? May husbands sister has never spoken to me properly (since the day I met her). I know loads about his family, his sister, his cousins, his friends wives. I ask questions and am interested to get to know people.

I really feel like I can't be bothered with friends or family anymore. None of them have manners!

 

[NailsXpress]

Yep, as everyone else has said, you don't have to stick with them just because they are family. Go out there and find your own life. Stay in touch with birthday cards etc instead. Life will be so much simpler and nicer too.

 

[Rockinthe80s]

There is a very well known saying 'Get rid of those that use your energy and bring you down'.....but, there could be many that say that say the same about you. Sometimes those people that are 'hard work' are easier left behind....Take a look at yourself to see if any of these issues are facing you, and don't always believe it is everyone else's fault or problem, often this is not the case. Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be. :biggrin:

Hi virtues

I don't think I'm hard work at all. I have problem speaking up in groups but small group (3-4 ppl) or one2one I think I'm fine and talk well and some would never know I had an anxiety problem. Or any problems for that matter!

I used to be friendly, cheerful, made time for people, but after all that effort I cannot even be bothered to give out even a fake smile right now. It wasn't always like this. I don't bother with anyone anymore.

 

[Rockinthe80s]

It definitely sounds like jealousy.

Finds friends elsewhere. You don't need to be around unproductive people who make you feel down.

I missed my mums birthday party because I had clients. Sorry but work comes first at the moment. The. When I saw my sister to do her nails last week she didn't say anything about her daughters birthday party. I knew nothing about it until her husband came into the kitchen and asked if I was coming the next day! She went a bit red in the face and I knew instantly it was her paying me back because I didn't come to mums!

She even made excuses for me to him, saying, she's busy, probably won't be able to come etc etc.
When her dauber came home from school, I asked her if she was looking forward to her party and she said that it's getting out of hand. I only wanted my friends, but mum and dad are inviting everyone! She's only 13. I decided not to go anyway as there were far too many for a restaurant. 22 in all.

But anyway, we used to get on so well, very very close, but when me and my hubby started making a better life for ourselves, we soon found out who our friends were and who was just jealous.

We have new friends now and our businesses and just see family now and again.

Hi nailsxpress. I get this kind of treatment too from people. If they have a problem, they should have the balls to speak out and say what it is.

I am very aware of people's vibes. I'm sure a lot are and it's so obvious when someone is being funny towards you, but when confronted, all I ever get is denial because they don't have a genuine reason to be pissed off!

If people came and said what their problem was to my face, I could either accept my fault/flaws or justify my actions/words etc. But none of these people will ever admit to having a problem, but in the meantime will continue yo treat me like a d***head (excuse my French)!

 

[Rockinthe80s]

Yes, again Virtues you are right in all you say above. You choose who you want to spend time with. If there's animosity, don't spend time with them. Feel free and liberated that you don't have to, not sorry for yourself.

I've never been happier now that I don't see the people who try to bring me down. So OP, next time you see that sister in law, stick two fingers up at her and laugh in her face.

Would absolutely love to do that lol!!!

 

[sanilulu]

Arrrr I hate it when ppl make you feel like its you ... Just remember thst its their loss not yours.., im Sending you a big hug hunni ... <3 ...

... I have an EX and while I was with him, (for nearly 3 yrs) ....
his sis-inlaw (his brothers wife) would try not to talk to me the whole time we were together ... The reason my bf's wife had died 6 months before us meeting, (cancer which she had been ill for over 4yrs) ... he didn't plan meeting someone, and I hadn't planned for meeting someone with a ready made family, with issues of still coming to terms with losing their mom/wife ... ( i took on his 2 children and the kids loved being with me, they knew I wasn't a replacement for their mom and I could never EVER take her place, and i didnt want to ... but I did do everything a mother would do for them) ... His MIL ( wife's mom) would be civil to an extent, only would talk to me I front of kids, rest of time not talk to me (and wife's sister) never even spoke or looked in my direction at any birthday party the kids had. The kids hated any of their b'day parties they didn't like the way I was treated, their opinion was that it was their mom and if they wanted me there everyone else should butt out, as us 4 got on sooo well.
Anyway it turned out that for whatever reason he decided to play away with a secretary at work ... What happened ... I left ... He got her pregnant straight away, His new GF didnt allow them (his wifes family) into their house, his Kids hate her / she hates them / the kids end up moving out.... !!!
It makes me wonder what his wife's family think now ... And how they treated me ... Id done nothing wrong to them, and always put them and their feelings first, but not once did they think how i felt ... And I bet they wish it was me back there now ...!!!!



Sent from my iPhone using SalonGeek app

 

[blossom]

Thanks mobile! I really have come to deal with the fact that if these people don't want to know, then so be it. But, my husband gets upset that I no longer wish to socialise with his family or friends. So I decided to just go with it.. Have a miserable, awkward time.. All for my husbands sake. It's just **** that I have to live life like this! I just want to move away and start over somewhere fresh, with my husband but he is so reluctant to move away from his family, friends, job etc. But I always have this pressure to attend events with people I dislike, where my only company is my husband. I feel like a bit of a pleb!

He himself has noticed that none of the people he knows ever bother with me. He doesn't understand either!

Genuinely though, I can't think of any reason anyone would have to be jealous of me? May husbands sister has never spoken to me properly (since the day I met her). I know loads about his family, his sister, his cousins, his friends wives. I ask questions and am interested to get to know people.

I really feel like I can't be bothered with friends or family anymore. None of them have manners!

Aww I feel for you :hug:

I think it's really difficult to make new friends or get close to people once you're grown up....it's not the same thing but I hoped to make some friends out of the other mums who used to wait in the playground, lord knows we spent plenty of time together, but now my kids are older, there's not one I still meet up with, my experience was that they were a bunch of users, friendly if they wanted a favour or something (or discounted nails) but otherwise didn't really want to know. A lot of them were already in "clicky" little groups and you can't get in, it's like a closed shop.

This from someone age 48 tomorrow.

It sounds like you have put a lot of effort in, probably more effort than I would have put in lol .... some people are just rude and ignorant or just unfriendly, sod them thats what I say, you wouldnt really want to get close to people like that, its just not worth it for the aggro.

Even without moving away (altho why not!) maybe you could just see less of them all and spare yourself the pain ... are there any social groups you could join locally or maybe things like a choir (singing is uplifting, trust me!), an evening class (learning a new skill is confidence building) or exercise class or gym (exercise is proven to release endorphins, the happy hormones, into your body and make you feel less depressed). Don't go with the intention of making friends, just of feeling better, and who knows.

xxx

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I would love to do a class too but my hubby works away all week and I would have to pay £30 per session for a babysitter on top of the course fees! :Scared:

How about cake decorating classes? Great for someone who is already creative with nails.

 

[purenique]

Big hugs for you
I know how you feel, I've just come back from work feeling pretty peed off after seeing someone's messages slagging me off where I work unbelievable!
Also find it hard in larger situations but I'm told this is because I'm uninterested :0 better with one 2 one

Get rid of the negative people and I hope you will make some new friends soon
If you live near Kent I'm happy to lend an ear xxxx

 

[dandelionpoppy]

I'm truly sorry that the OP and other Geeks feel so unhappy. I can tell you are sincere in your feelings.

There will always be 1 or 2 people who will reject your friendship, but when it gets to be in almost all areas of your life it's time to dig a bit deeper.

Try this for a month.

Smile at everyone you meet - strangers too!

When you see people you know, ask how they are, what are they doing at the moment, how their children are getting on at school etc etc.

Compliment people sincerely. There's something to admire in everybody.

Suggest a quick coffee together.

Show your sense of humour. Laugh at yourself. Make them smile.

Keep at it. Don't give up.

Some people will think you're a bit crazy. That's OK. Some people will be oblivious. That's OK.

A few will respond very positively. That's great!

Good luck!

 

[w1nnie]

Stuff them. My MIL made it clear to me that she thought her other daughter in law was the best. It went on for years, she really thought my sister in law was the bees knees. So I decided to spend as little time with them all as I could, and speak to them all as little as I could. It didn't half get them all rattled, but I didn't care. To me it was a game. Anyway MIL died, and I get on with sister in law ok now.