Stay or go

SalonGeek

Help Support SalonGeek:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

mimmimus

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2012
Messages
61
Reaction score
0
Location
somewhere in Australia
hi girls
need some advice!!
ive been in a relationship for 4 years with someone who's career has been very volatile. Fistly he kept leaving jobs/changing jobs all the time and when i said it has to stop or else i cant take it he then put together his own business. He has now done that for a year but the money he makes is "survival" money. he gets really low and is currently on anti depressants. I am in my early 30ies and I want a family some day... I am a popular girl (get attention from the opposite sex etc) and have many friends and Im a very positive and optimistic person. My partner has isolated himself from the rest of the world, has no friends and is quite needy of me. I feel his moods are dragging me down sometimes very much tbh but he loves me more than anyone has ever loved me and he gives me tons of attention and I know he is really trying to make things work. I feel i am running out of time tho and i dont know whether to stay and wait for things to improve (i do love him but i find the relationship very challenging) or to move on and find someone more stable and in control of their lives? I am no gold digger i just want a "normal" life. I dont know how id find the strength to leave but i guess i am looking for some advice/view points etc, what would you do??
 
Aww bless u!! I can imagine it to be quute stressful!! I would probably have a serious chat with him and air all your concerns!! I would also think of the situation being the other way round!! He obviously loves u n by how u describe him, he means alot to u!! If it was the other way round it sounds like he would do anything to keep u!! I would have a good chat with him n just tell him what your thinking and be honest with him and yourself!!! Iv been with my partner for 6 years and I got really depressed the start of last year for ages n it did start to drag my partner down but he thought it was all his fault but ur wasn't!! I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him how I was feeling and I spose I just went through a stage where all my friends were single n I felt like I needed to be as well and they treated me like I was!! It was just everything was starting to go wrong at the same time!! But my partner felt like u did n when we spoke he finally understood what I was going through n helped me n gradually got better n now I can't live without him n our relationship is so strong with everything we went through!! Hope this helps, sorry it's long got carried away lol x x
 
Aww bless u!! I can imagine it to be quute stressful!! I would probably have a serious chat with him and air all your concerns!! I would also think of the situation being the other way round!! He obviously loves u n by how u describe him, he means alot to u!! If it was the other way round it sounds like he would do anything to keep u!! I would have a good chat with him n just tell him what your thinking and be honest with him and yourself!!! Iv been with my partner for 6 years and I got really depressed the start of last year for ages n it did start to drag my partner down but he thought it was all his fault but ur wasn't!! I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him how I was feeling and I spose I just went through a stage where all my friends were single n I felt like I needed to be as well and they treated me like I was!! It was just everything was starting to go wrong at the same time!! But my partner felt like u did n when we spoke he finally understood what I was going through n helped me n gradually got better n now I can't live without him n our relationship is so strong with everything we went through!! Hope this helps, sorry it's long got carried away lol x x

thanks for your reply! your relationship sounds very strong and glad ur feelin better..
i have had chats with him but he feels im betraying him by feeling this way, he knows how i feel and sometimes he says "maybe you should just go and get someone who is more stable, can provide for you etc" and other times he says he feels like he is waiting on a bus stop, he doesnt know if i am leaving or staying etc. so its no secret how i feel...but i dont know how to resolve our problems.. i have needs he cant meet and at the same time i try so hard to be there, supportive, and to be patient and so on.. i just dont know if i have the strength to leave and i dont know if i have the strength to stay either. its great when he is all happy but i feel he is controlling the whole relationship as when he is down/has lost hope then i feel down and like i have no hope and visa versa... and sometimes i wake up all happy and then he makes my day horrible by having a tantrum (he gets them when he is down) and i feel like "why do i have to deal with all this sh1t"............. i know that he would do anything for me and i did have a period in my life when i was very unhappy in my job and he helped me through all that (im happy now) but its like i "made it" to the other end and he never did, like he is exactly at the same place as he was 4 years ago when we met.............. hope im making sense,,...
 
Thats ok!! How about having a break between u n if u feel great and loving the freedom then I would end it because being stuck with him ur seeing him depressed and cuz u love him u don't want to hurt him so u just keep on going!! U can't keep going the way u are n in the end it won't just destroy the relationship, it will really hurt u n he might get worse then what he's feeling now n then u won't be able to finish it!! I would Reynolds have a break!! Go somewhere with ur friends for a week or two n clear ur headand have a good time!! I know he's not guna like that but u have to try n work out what's guna be best for u even if its guna hurt him it's got to be u that u need to make happy!! Don't just stay with someone cuz u think he can't survive with out u!! He will feel like that for a while n u will feel awlful to but only time will heal n it's better u do it how rather then later x x x
 
Thats ok!! How about having a break between u n if u feel great and loving the freedom then I would end it because being stuck with him ur seeing him depressed and cuz u love him u don't want to hurt him so u just keep on going!! U can't keep going the way u are n in the end it won't just destroy the relationship, it will really hurt u n he might get worse then what he's feeling now n then u won't be able to finish it!! I would Reynolds have a break!! Go somewhere with ur friends for a week or two n clear ur headand have a good time!! I know he's not guna like that but u have to try n work out what's guna be best for u even if its guna hurt him it's got to be u that u need to make happy!! Don't just stay with someone cuz u think he can't survive with out u!! He will feel like that for a while n u will feel awlful to but only time will heal n it's better u do it how rather then later x x x

Thanks Soph! Thats such great and wise advice. I do feel like I cant leave cos I feel he would "die" without me but like u say , maybe i need to take a break and see how i feel.. ive even thought about taking a job abroad and go on my own and see how i feel but maybe a smaller break would be better. Thanks for your advice!
 
I've had a very difficult year with mental illness and it did put a big strain on my relationship, I don't know if its maybe ur partner struggling with who he is or feeling like a failure but i think it would be worth talking about it. If he is really struggling I could kind if see how he would be upset with how u are feeling but he probably already knows that his problems are affecting you, he might get annoyed just because he feels guilty of his problems affecting you. I'm just going by what I felt and went through but it's also understandable if you don't feel like you want to be in the relationship anymore. Me and husband try to put time aside dvery week to talk about how we are feeling, we have a week to think through anything we want to discuss and we both talk and agree not to argue and listen to what each other is saying. Might be worth doing so you can start to think about what you want to do xxx hugs xxx
 
I suffer from bipolar I went thru a bad stage wen we didn't know what it was and I was put on anti depressants and it had a phsychotic effect my bf broke up wit me I broke up wit him ect, but no matter what he was always there him n my parents tried to get me to go to be assessed but I wouldn't in the end my parents took my son off me and wouldn't give him back til I went in and got assessed social services was a part of this decision I felt like everybody was against me and betrayed me but in the end they were right I am on proper medication now and as long as I keep taking my tablets I'm fine , sorry for the rant but it might give u a bit of insight, is he hard to talk to? Maybe if ye just talk it over explain how ye both fell, or take a break like the other geek suggested? Would relationship counselling be an option?
 
I suffer from bipolar I went thru a bad stage wen we didn't know what it was and I was put on anti depressants and it had a phsychotic effect my bf broke up wit me I broke up wit him ect, but no matter what he was always there him n my parents tried to get me to go to be assessed but I wouldn't in the end my parents took my son off me and wouldn't give him back til I went in and got assessed social services was a part of this decision I felt like everybody was against me and betrayed me but in the end they were right I am on proper medication now and as long as I keep taking my tablets I'm fine , sorry for the rant but it might give u a bit of insight, is he hard to talk to? Maybe if ye just talk it over explain how ye both fell, or take a break like the other geek suggested? Would relationship counselling be an option?

he has literally just last week gone to the GP about his problems after me asking for 4 years.. so we will see how the pills work etc .. and he should get some counselling too. the thing is that he has been very difficult to deal with most his life (but he is a good person though!!) and many people have called him bipolar but he has never had any type of diagnose so i cant say if he is this or that all i know is he gets very down, sometimes crazy behavior that is very difficult to deal with and i dont know how to deal with him.sometimes i think it is just a lot of anger that he has never dealt with cos he is very angry at the world and sometimes he is saying that everyone is against him as he falls out with his family etc (just like u said u felt) and so on and that I am so cruel for telling him that theres something wrong with him and so is everyone else etc........... im just trying to help him! but i feel i dont have as much strength left.
He just now today said to me that he wishes that i would be there for him when things are bad and not just when they are good.. but thing is I HAVE BEEN but im just so tired of things never looking up that i feel i am at a stage where i cant take anymore, i feel so very fed up.......... and im struggling to keep up the hope. I think i need a break like Soph suggested to figure out what to do with my life
thanks for sharing your story!! i think maybe part of me really wants to opt out......... if im honest.. i fall back in so easily tho as big part of me loves him too
like ur ex i would always want to be there for him , very big part of me really worries so much what would happen to him , im honestly scared he would do something silly....... so i worry a lot
 
Last edited:
Hi hun

I'm going to be a but blunt here and say all this toing and froing is not doing either of you any good. He is obviously very down and you're both struggling to get through this period together. Mental health in a relationship is very hard for both people involved. I think sometimes it shows you whether or not as a couple you'll sink or swim, for want of a better word. What I would advise is you need to make a decision, not only for yourself but him as well, as the uncertainty of your relationship I would hazard a guess from what you've written is probably not helping him much either.

Mental state a side sometimes relationships just run their course, even after four years. People change, life continues and sometimes that means your not always on the same page.

Be kind to yourself and him and if you really feel there is no way forward then it's in both your best interests to move on without each other.

Good luck lovey x

Sent from my GT-S5839i using SalonGeek
 
Me n the bf got back together wen I came out the hospital got my kid back and we're all happy now :) hopefully after going to the GP and getting put on tablets things will look up for him but to me it sounds like you've answered your own question sounds like you don't want to be with him anymore correct me if I'm wrong, sounds like you've tried your best but it's time to move on, no one can advise you on what to do you'll know yourself but don't worry about him he'll have friends and family, you have to do what's right by you
 
You need to be brutally honest with yourself.

Imagine that he died today, you came home from work to find the police there to tell you.

How do you feel? Is your life over? Can you imagine living without him? Are you in love with him? Or just love him?

If you love him, truly, madly and deeply and can't imagine life without him then help him through this difficult time.

If you think that you actually would be better without him in your life (and I mean WITHOUT because if you leave him he'll most likely turn against you as a coping mechanism) then leave. BUT be sure because once the doubt is placed in his mind that you don't want him/he's not good enough/you'll be better off without him, etc it'll be difficult to go back. xxx
 
hello!
I thought Id write an update...
so yesterday I came home from a drink with a friend (whom I spoke to about my poblems at home) and my OH started asking me questions about our future. I realised that the biggest factor why I am still here is because of the pain of leaving and the pain I know it will cause him. It is almost like I am staying becuse I feel responsible for him. From the start he always told me how hurt he was in the past and made me feel i can never leave, I think this has been buried inside me quite deep. Also, the fact that he has no life of his own apart from me (and I do, I have friends etc and go out etc) makes me feel even more responsible.. I know in my heart that I have already emotionally started de- attachimg myself. I day dream about another future than this. Now i just somehow need the strength............ how and when exactly I dont know. But the way things are right now at home, well the atmosphere.. it cant go on like this, i will either have to smooth things out and fall back in or its going to have to be a break............I dont have any money at the moment i dont know exactly how to do this!!
 
Hello Mimmimus, you are not responsible for him, you are responsible for yourself, make your own future happen and don't let him decide your fate. There are too many mediocre things in life, love should not be one of them.

Sometimes the hardest thing & the right thing are the same. *hugs* x
 
I agree with some of the girls i think you've answered it yourself! I understand your worried about what he'll do if you leave but you can't stay with him because of that. Your still young and you've got plenty of time to meet someone else and be happy with him, if you feel like he's stopping you from being happy then leave him. Talk to him about how you feel theres no need for big arguments. If you do really love him and can see a future and see things straightening out then i still think you should have a talk just to let him know how you feel. Do you go out together? How about going out with him and a friend and her partner to try and get him to socialise? Hope you work things out! *hugs* xx

Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk 2
 
Have you ever thought you are doing him no good either.Quite a few people think their ex partners will fall apart and sometimes they do for a while but then they also move on and get a better life because it gives them a kick up the butt.Its very easy to just sit miserably in an awful relationship,but how long for months,years life!! What's the point in that.
 
I feel for you hun and I know exactly what your going through! My partner made me feel the same way yours did. Said he had given up everything up to be with me (he had only moved 40 mins from his to mine and still had the same job and friends) but he just wanted me to feel bad so I didn't leave. I had been saying for ages I didn't think we had a future and that I didn't think it was working. He just cried and said we just needed time and pretended like everything was normal. Seeing how upset he got made me feel like such a terrible person for not wanting to be with him. He wasn't horrible to me, in fact he was overly nice but that just made it worse...I had just fallen out of love with him and that wasn't going to change. I had felt that way since last July but I kept trying to make it work to keep him happy, plus the fact I couldn't understand why I didn't live him anymore confused me. Anyhow 3 days ago I decided I just couldn't do it anymore...it wasn't fair on either of us and it was cruel to drag it out even if it was just so I didn't have to hurt him. He was devastated and said he didn't want to talk to me again. Well the next day he called and said he had thought about it and at least now he knows where he stands he can get on with his life and not feel like he is in limbo like he had been for months. He actually said he respected me more for finally telling him how I actually felt and for ending it! He said he is still devastated but that he will get there.
I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can be myself again. I wish Id have had the strength to do it sooner. Staying with him because I didn't want to hurt him was just stupid because it made me resent him and be mean to him which was just cruel and I see that now.
You just need to be strong. It will be sad and it will be hard but YOU CAN DO IT and you need to do it! believe me, I learnt the hard way. Hth huni. Just be brave :) xxxxx

Sent from my HTC Desire S using SalonGeek
 
I feel for you hun and I know exactly what your going through! My partner made me feel the same way yours did. Said he had given up everything up to be with me (he had only moved 40 mins from his to mine and still had the same job and friends) but he just wanted me to feel bad so I didn't leave. I had been saying for ages I didn't think we had a future and that I didn't think it was working. He just cried and said we just needed time and pretended like everything was normal. Seeing how upset he got made me feel like such a terrible person for not wanting to be with him. He wasn't horrible to me, in fact he was overly nice but that just made it worse...I had just fallen out of love with him and that wasn't going to change. I had felt that way since last July but I kept trying to make it work to keep him happy, plus the fact I couldn't understand why I didn't live him anymore confused me. Anyhow 3 days ago I decided I just couldn't do it anymore...it wasn't fair on either of us and it was cruel to drag it out even if it was just so I didn't have to hurt him. He was devastated and said he didn't want to talk to me again. Well the next day he called and said he had thought about it and at least now he knows where he stands he can get on with his life and not feel like he is in limbo like he had been for months. He actually said he respected me more for finally telling him how I actually felt and for ending it! He said he is still devastated but that he will get there.
I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can be myself again. I wish Id have had the strength to do it sooner. Staying with him because I didn't want to hurt him was just stupid because it made me resent him and be mean to him which was just cruel and I see that now.
You just need to be strong. It will be sad and it will be hard but YOU CAN DO IT and you need to do it! believe me, I learnt the hard way. Hth huni. Just be brave :) xxxxx

Sent from my HTC Desire S using SalonGeek

Oh my goodness this could have been me writing this. Thanks for posting, as I am currently going through this too. We split up 2 weeks ago and I feel so bad for him. I, on the other hand, have barely missed him as I feel I have been detaching from him for ages. It was a huge relief to have finished it and I felt like I had my life back! With it being so fresh, I hope you're ok too.
 
Forgot to say that I agree with evaperk tho....make sure you truely could live without him. There really is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I loved my ex as he was the one I always talked to about things but I had just lost the warm and fuzzy feelings towards him. It was when I realised this that I knew once and for all it needed to end as yes I loved him but it was as a friend and not a bf anymore.

Sent from my HTC Desire S using SalonGeek
 
Oh my goodness this could have been me writing this. Thanks for posting, as I am currently going through this too. We split up 2 weeks ago and I feel so bad for him. I, on the other hand, have barely missed him as I feel I have been detaching from him for ages. It was a huge relief to have finished it and I felt like I had my life back! With it being so fresh, I hope you're ok too.

Thank you huni. Yes I'm ok. It's weird not having him around but its more like I miss my friend than I miss my bf. I'm just really looking forward to some me time and the future now :)
I'm glad you feel like you have your life back and you can start looking ahead again :) xx

Sent from my HTC Desire S using SalonGeek
 
Thank you huni. Yes I'm ok. It's weird not having him around but its more like I miss my friend than I miss my bf. I'm just really looking forward to some me time and the future now :)
I'm glad you feel like you have your life back and you can start looking ahead again :) xx

Sent from my HTC Desire S using SalonGeek

Sounds like we feel the same! Here's to some reacquainting with ourselves!
 

Latest posts

Back
Top