I’ve been thinking about how best to respond for some time. This post was a bit too close to home for me. I too have a very calm, non arguing partner. It’s infuriating!
Regarding your question, I think, (if you will allow me to reframe), what you are really asking is “how do I optimise my emotional well-being and resilience so that I can cope better with the stress I am experiencing right now,”
First thoughts - There is no acceptable reason to turn your nearest and dearest into a verbal punch bag, nor to subject them to horrendous temper fests. Well done for confronting your uncomfortable behaviours so bravely and fearlessly.
You’re stressed to pieces. That’s why you’re struggling. The way to cope better is to find ways to nurture yourself emotionally. This will help you manage your life and therefore manage your stress. If you feel less stressed you have a much better chance of saving your relationship. So Priority One is You. Priority Two is Your Relationship and Family and Priority 3 is Your Business. I expect that you treat Your business like a demanding, needy child. (I know I do!). That isn’t healthy.
My suggestion is that you carry our a health and wellbeing assessment on yourself to create a “to do” list to help improve Your mental resilience. There’s no set way to do this, below is just one way.
(I did this exercise for myself and my answers are in brackets, with my “to do” list in bold)
1) How are you meeting your basic physical needs for appropriate food and drink, physical activity and rest? Are you looking after yourself properly? (Ive stayed healthy - although I need to make more of an effort on my physical fitness which has slipped during lock down)
2) How are you providing for your economic needs? ( I’m in debt, my husband’s salary covers our day to day needs and I have things I can sell to cover my debts if I had to - so I’m basically broke but solvent in the bigger picture)
3) What social and friendship networks do you maintain to support yourself emotionally? (I am very invested in my colleagues and client networks which have shrunk during lockdown, however I’ve nurtured my wider family networks which I’ve found emotionally satisfying. I’ve also spent time volunteering for community support groups and I’ve enjoyed doing meaningful things for others. I need to continue doing this now that I have resumed working
4) How are you nurtured? Who loves and cares for you and vice versa. Who do you confide in? (My relationship with my partner and adult children and grandchildren are important to me. I struggle to make time for them, My cat has become very sociable, I need to groom her more frequently)
5) What gives you your status and self esteem? What do you take pride in? What are your accomplishments? (I am very proud of my business, I need to maintain my standards and not get demoralised and slack at work, my supportive employer role is important so I need to do some staff training, and that I have been studying for a qualification so I better catch up with my homework. I also advise my partner with his business)
6) Which areas of your life do you not have much choice and control over? (work has been controlling me recently. I need to set some boundaries and take more time for myself)
7) How are you investing in your personal development at present? (I am studying and losing a few excess pounds in weight, I’d like to improve my fitness)
8) Do you feel you are reflecting and growing as a person? (Yes)
9) What areas of your life give you your sense of competence and achievement. (My work and client relationships, so I can’t give up work even though I’m demoralised, doing diy jobs, posting on salongeek)
10) Having meaning and purpose comes from being stretched in what we do and think. What parts of your life give you purpose? (My family relationships, my business as well as my answers to question 9)
If you work through these questions and find that your personal happiness is basically wrapped up in the success or failure of your business then you address this not by exclusively focusing on your business but by finding ways to rebalance your life so that there is other important stuff in your life that will sustain you.
You’ll feel calmer and more able to cope if your life is emotionally enriching and gives you a sense of accomplishment. Celebrate all your small wins - whether it’s tidying up a neglected area of your home, doing your accounts, growing seeds, fostering a rescue animal, mending something. You need to feel in charge of your life.
The next thing (Priority Two) is to appreciate is how good your partner is for you. He’s the yang to your yin. Do something together, try and rebuild your relationship, don’t shut him out of your business stress but have more than business worries to talk about,
Then you’ll be in a much better position to focus on your third Priority, your business. Your partner can help with this. My husband listens. He doesn’t have inspirational ideas (that’s my department) but by explaining all the jumbled thoughts and ideas in my brain, I end up with a more rational and achievable “to do” list. And he can ask me how I’m doing against these SMART (specific or simple, measurable, achievable/assignable, realistic and timed) targets. There is a name for his role and it’s called being a critical friend. He doesn’t just nod and smile and tell me I’m fantastic, he asks me “why?”, “how?” and makes me THINK, not because he’s my coach, but because he’s interested in me and the things that are important in my life.
Chin up. You’ve got this.
