TPTW - Do you smack your children?

[VHunter]

There is a definate difference between abuse and discipline.
Growing up, my father was an 'abuser' and my mom was a disciplinarian. DISTINCT difference.

I rarely smack my children's butts.
Ordinarily, it's a time-out or the 1-2-3. I revoke priveledges such as tv and toys. I make them sit and write out the alphabet or whatever. We talk it out. When they were toddlers, they sometimes got a flick on the hand when the word 'no' just didn't seep into their heads about touching things... or whatever.
But sometimes... when nothing else gets through... they get a smack on the heiney.

I'm slightly old school. If they say a bad word, they get soap in the mouth if the warnings aren't sufficient. (which, for the record, she hasn't said a single bad word since lol) But... I don't feel that a smack on the butt is teaching them violence. Particularly since I don't do it in a temper. If I'm mad,I don't do it. I send them to their room and when I'm not mad anymore we talk about what happened and I decide then the discipline

Here in Quebec, at one point, it WAS illegal to smack your child's butt. Now it is legal again. I have only to look at the amount of spoiled brats running about to know why. This is NOT to say that a 'smack' is the only way. But what works for one child doesn't always work for another. Clearly, somewhere...things got out of hand because children are simply not as respectful as they used to be in my generation or previous.

I didn't want to smack. In the beginning I didn't.
But one day when my eldest was 2.5yrs, she scared the life outta me. I'd taken her and her sister for a walk. We lived in the city then, with buses running the streets every min. Cailin had dropped something out of the carriage and Mereena decided to run off. I called her back and she laughed at me, thinking it was a game. She had done this a few times before that day (but not into the street, just running away from me and laughing). She ran into the street and mocked me. THANKFULLY no buses were coming. I dashed after her and hauled her back to the curb and she was STILL laughing at me. THAT was when she got the first smack on the butt. She simply couldn't grasp it was dangerous. I'd rather have her afraid of a smack on the butt, than running into the street....

The girls are now attending daycamp. And Cailin (4.5yrs) is becoming sassy lately. She's not paying the animators any mind. If she doesn't start behaving, she won't be allowed to go. And I WON'T get a refund AND I'll have to hire a sitter to watch her when I have clients. I took away tv, toys, crayons... nothing got through. So the other day, told her "behave at day camp, or I'll smack your butt". She didn't behave. Got home, got a smack on the butt. The next day.. she behaved.
She'd never gotten one before. She'd always been easy going, but right now, she's having her terrible 2's 'late'. Asserting herself.

It's not always the best answer, or the one we want to choose, but a little healthy fear of reprisal on a behind that's cushy.... hurts their pride more than their bottom.

The way I figure it, if my children don't respect me now; I'll be in HUGE trouble when they are 12 or 16 or whatever.
I'm not a perfect parent, only trying my best.
They're not angels, but I am proud of them because more often than not; I'm told how very well behaved they are.
They have their moments...like most do.
But I'm confident that they'll grow up well rounded.
And for the record, the occasional smack on the heiney has not taught them to hit others for they never do. In fact, when Cailin was a toddler and smacked her sister (before she had ever gotten one herself), her sister dashed to me complaining instead of smacking her back. Neither have ever intentionally hurt another child or each other.

just my very long, two pence worth
:hug:

 

[sj1973]

I'm recently pregnant and I've always said that I would smack my kids if they were naughty. It never did me any harm.
I reckon there wouldn't be half the bother with the kids out there if their parents had smacked them when they did something wrong. I'm not saying this to offend anyone who doesn't agree with smacking, everyone can have their own opinion. And I'm not saying knock ten bells out of the kid just a slap on the bum or back of the legs. All I mean is when you drive down the street and see a group of chavs on the corner with a bottle of cheap cider don't you think maybe if they had been disciplined things would be different.
Going to get off me soap box now

I agree with some that your saying...but i have to say that alot of teenagers are like they are ,because they want to be "hard" and part of a gang,thats why we see them on the streets with drink....Not because their parents did not smack them....Too much violence is on the streets as it is ...why cant we talk to our kids or take stuff away.

Smacks for children when they are little is "ok"...but when you have teenagers ,if you smack them ,they might smack you back !! :lol:...my son is 14 and taller than me,i dont smack him because that would NOT affect him...taking his money,intenert or even giving him the silent treatment is all it takes for him to behave.

 

[1999judy]

Only ever a warning smack when they were little ie near something dangerous, but never had to really, I just give them THE LOOK.
Just harsh words can be too much for my youngest to handle tbh.
And I can't hit the other two as one is 6"2 so I can't reach there are times when I feel I could hit the 15 year old atm so I count to ten and slam his door.
We'll have none left on hinges soon in our house.

 

[Vetty]

I don't smack my kids and, personally, I think smacking children is counter-productive. The few times I smacked my son was only ever out of temper (mine), and I decided that the reasoning was no basis for discipline. I think smacking gives out the wrong message to children - that the way to express anger is to hit the person you are angry at......

I punish by grounding and loss of priveledge, combined with talking about what happened/why there is a punishment. I also refuse to threaten anything I'm not prepared to carry out. So I will threaten a grounding but wont threaten to cancel Christmas.......

My kids aren't perfectly behaved, but they are good kids and usually do as they are told. I have a big problem with people who talk 'down' to there kids and openly smack them in public. I also refuse to allow the word 'stupid' in the context of applying it to another person - I think to say 'you are so stupid' is incredibly demeaning, and makes children feel worthless.

I'm not a new-age hippy type with no rules - far from it! My kids have quite strict bedtimes and clearly defined boundaries, but I do feel strongly about children's self-esteem.........

JMHO

 

[Curlywurly]

I agree with Vetty and BeBeautiful on this one. I would NEVER smack my kids. It is so counterproductive. I was smacked alot by my dad and step-mum throughout childhood and teenage years, but had zero respect for them, I was scared of them - but didn't care about them or myself. I went through a good 6-7 years of having no respect for anyone and had run-ins with police and problems with drink and drugs. I had been brought up in a very respectable neighbourhood and parents were respectable and never swore or spoke down to us.

I used to use the naughty step for my first child but although their dad still uses it - I feel that the best way to deal with bad behaviour is to discuss feelings, actions and ways forward. However I have no opinion on other peoples discipline of their children - I think it is a very personal choice between parents/carers and their children - I think it is something that is influenced by family, friends, education, media and so many other factors. As long as a child is not being physically/mentally abused by the discipline it is no-one elses business.

 

[choc choc]

I dont smack my tone of voice is enough my daughter knows when she has pushed me to far, works for me apart from the sore throat after lol

 

[Cathie!]

I used to get smacked a lot as a child and even as a teenager.....I eventually hit back which isn't good.

I don't smack my kids although I really feel like doing it sometimes.....let them feel the scholl on their bum like I used to...but no, it won't help the situation as well I know lol!

Ground them and withdraw priveliges and stick to it, works a treat!

 

[mikem]

As my step-son is a 27 year old builder who is younger, fitter, faster and stronger than me (though I have slightly more hair :lol I have taken to smacking other people's children as it is safer .

If you look respectable and hit them while no-one is looking, their parents never believe them and usually give them a clip around the ear for fibbing .

Go on..... give it a go.....it's very rewarding

Regards

Mike

 

[s.mill]

My mother relieved stress and tension by lashing out at me and often beat me senseless. When i got the chance i left home and moved to a different country to be away from her!
I think there is a huge difference between a smack at the back of the leg (short, sharp, shock) and beating a child.
I discipline my kids, they know by the tone of my voice that they are on the verge of something not pleasant!! Yet i haven't smacked them in years because they have known when to quit while they were ahead!
A lot of kids today are not brought up they are dragged up! They are shown no respect (as it has been pointed out already), they are thrown out on the street at very young age and are educated on the street.
I believe in love, respect and discipline for my children. I believe in teaching them that there are consequences to their actions but equally i praise them for the good that they do. Above all i trust God to protect them and make me the best mum that i can be.

 

[VHunter]

As my step-son is a 27 year old builder who is younger, fitter, faster and stronger than me (though I have slightly more hair :lol I have taken to smacking other people's children as it is safer .

If you look respectable and hit them while no-one is looking, their parents never believe them and usually give them a clip around the ear for fibbing .

Go on..... give it a go.....it's very rewarding

Regards

Mike

:lol::lol::lol::lol: :smack:

too funny!

 

[VHunter]

I believe in teaching them that there are consequences to their actions but equally i praise them for the good that they do. Above all i trust God to protect them and make me the best mum that i can be.

One of the most important things.
i tell my children so often how good they are doing, that they intentionally seek out praise.

I get dissappointed when I go to my children's t-ball game and my hubby and I are cheering on kids of BOTH teams for great hits and catches.
Encouraging them, etc. While parents sit on the benches, silent, not uttering a word.
I don't get it.
We give them constructive critique, we get INVOLVED while other parents sit like lumps.
It's no wonder kids are turning into monsters.
They don't get praise, or kudos or encouragement or affection... they get ignored really.
It's not just a lack of discipline in this generation, it's the kids being ignored...
Breaks my heart.

While we are strict and slightly old school, we praise our kids. We get involved. We love them and hug them and kiss them EVERY day, several times.
My daughter will blow me kisses from outfield and the other will holler "I love you" from the pitcher's mound. Parents laugh over it.
I feel sorry for them that their kids can't be as openly affectionate in such a spontaneous fashion. I feel even sorrier for their kids.:cry:

 

[sj1973]

My mother relieved stress and tension by lashing out at me and often beat me senseless. When i got the chance i left home and moved to a different country to be away from her!
I think there is a huge difference between a smack at the back of the leg (short, sharp, shock) and beating a child.
I discipline my kids, they know by the tone of my voice that they are on the verge of something not pleasant!! Yet i haven't smacked them in years because they have known when to quit while they were ahead!
A lot of kids today are not brought up they are dragged up! They are shown no respect (as it has been pointed out already), they are thrown out on the street at very young age and are educated on the street.
I believe in love, respect and discipline for my children. I believe in teaching them that there are consequences to their actions but equally i praise them for the good that they do. Above all i trust God to protect them and make me the best mum that i can be.

Here here hun....kids are dragged up not brought up these days and their IS a difference.....most parents think its a job to have a child at 16 and let us support them for the rest of their lives...which is so wrong....

Parents do not praise their kids no more so how do the kids know whats right and wrong these days??....they done,they just get on with their lives and learn the hard way.

 

[collin]

Absolutley no need for slapping kids ...there are many far more deviouse ways to get them to do what you want:evil:

There are however a good few adults (or claim they are) that could do with a good :smack: from time to time :idea:

 

[JANEY K]

I have to say that smacking children no matter what age is not in my nature and there is a difference between abuse and discipline. Abuse demonstrates anger and hostility ,involves humiliation and Requires submission and discipline demonstrates love and affection,verbally teaching children right from wrong,based on a balance of power and mutual respect between child and parent and does not require humiliation and submission.

When i was Growing up, my Mum and dad were strict parents and disciplinarians and never ever raised a hand to myself and 2 brothers(even tho i was a bit of a handful in my teenage years).It was all about respecting the parents and elders and to do as you were told,when you were told.If we stepped out of line mum or dads tone was enough for us. I think myself Lucky that i had such adorable and loving mum and dad ,we were taught discipline which in later life when we all married and had children of our own we were able to handle our children in a way we saw fit without raising our hand or voice.

I didn't smack my sons bottom nor shout at him but i did smack the back of his hand gently if he didn't listen after a few tellings or did something naughty .If he did step out of line after 2 times i would tell him to go to his room ,if he spoke back he (which was hardly rarely) he would be grounded for a day and lost his privileges such as his play station and toys. He was always a sweetheart when he came down for his tea with a little note saying sorry and love you mum(Aww) but it wouldn't allow him back his things till the next day as this is how i was brought up.We would talk about what he did wrong and he would always understand fully. When he was a toddler,he was a handful and sometimes i would have just wanted to scream,stomp and unload on him but he is my only child and me and his father spoilt him.

Now i have 2 stepchildren a 14 yr old lad and a 13 yr old daughter whom they call me "big sis" from my second husband, Kev is old school and as a father he disciplines them and demands respect as a father the way his dad brought him up.If they step out of line they get one warning, if they ignore it or carry on they are either told they will be sent home to their mother or they are put in their rooms to sort themselves out ,if they back chat ,they are sat down and given a stern ticking off(which they adhere to) and i don't get involved which is a bit of a problem for me when I'm on my own with them. because they are not my children and i feel i have no authority to tell them off,but they are learning not to push the wrong buttons. I personally don't feel that a smack on the botty is teaching them violence but i would never smack a child around the head, i personally say this is so wrong. It is Clear everywhere that things are getting out of hand because children have little or no respect for people even their teachers, it's different to what it used to be in my time.

The way I see it, if children don't respect their parents or other people now ,they Will be in BIG trouble when they reach their own adult life.

I'm not a perfect parent, but i did my best and my son is now 18 and is an honest,polite and hardworking young man ,he wasn't always sweet and angelic, but I am proud of him and proud of myself for the way i brought him up,However the step kids have their moments just like most teenagers do but i do admit they are never much trouble at all when they stay,they do the occasional winding each other up when your back is turned until one gets hurt then they are disciplined and when they are good they are praised.

 

[lizzie27]

ive never smacked my children, or threatened, id hate to make them feel scared like that!!!
my two have both grown up to be kind, sensitive, loving people, with out this form of 'punishment'
at the end of the day adults get prosecuted for hitting each other, so why should an adult be aloud to hit an innocent defenseless child? x

 

[hayls]

As a child I was smacked, hit and abused by my father, both myself and my brother, we both suffered broken bones etc etc, this isnt turning into a sob story I promise! But I promised myself I would never smack my kids and I never have. I dont see the point in punishing with pain, no matter how light the smack!?!
I honestly think there are far better ways of disciplining a child, than to smack them........however I can see the other side, why some parents are pushed to the limit and feel its their last resort!

xxx:hug:

 

[jenny mosley]

Hiya,
Never ever wanted kids, why..hard work, spend your life in constant worry over them and soo expsensive.

When i was young, If i deserved a good wallop I got one, I never did me any harm. Infact i grew up to respect my parents alot. they wre great roles and we had a fantastic time as kids, lots of fun in our house. I was very spoilt, but..when i was bad i was bad. and my folks needed something to sort me out and calm me down, a good smak was the only cure.

The law was brought out to stop abuse, that will never stop

someone should be in charge of giving these dangerous teens and good sorting out and get those streets cleaned up.

Jenx

 

['chelle]

Ooh very interesting.

Right, so, just to play devils advocate a bit, what do you think to this:

1) Quite a few of you who disagree with smacking have said that you were physically punished beyond a reasonable level as children. Do you think that those who disagree with physical punishment do so because of their own bad experiences rather than a real dislike for controlled and rational physical punishment? Some of you have said that you have only ever hit your kids through temper which I agree is not the way to do it, but do you think that if it's exercised in a controlled way and within reasonable limits that physical punishment could ever be right?

2) Someone has said that punishment choices are a very personal thing and that as long as the child isnt suffering physical or emotional absue that the choice of discipline is no one elses business except the parents. so, if a child gets a complete lack of discipline and learns to respect no one and nothing, and their attitude affects other people, do you still think that its no one elses busines? I personally have seen and worked with kids who have had absolutely no discipline and they have been plain offensive and abusive themselves. I have had to bear the brunt of their bad language and verbal abuse, because someone else has respected their right never to have a bad word said to them.

3) The subject has been raised of showing kids praise when they are good, and using positive re-inforcement. Does anyone feel that in this respect we live in a hypocritical society? Kids in primary school particulary are subjected to positive re-inforcement, and so to the age of 11 they learn that you get praise for doing good, and ignored when you're bad. Then, from secondary school, everything changes. Kids who mis-behave at school are often given one to one tuition, a luxury that I'm sure would really benefit some bright well behaved kids, but this is reserved for the bad kids. If they are especially bad they go to pupil referral units where they are allowed to wear their own clothes and are taken for days out (I have a friend with a son a PRU so I know this to be the case), again this causal type of schooling with frequent days out is reserved for the bad kids, so we are then showing kids that bad behaviour earns you priviledges. Do you think that there has been a shift in the wrong direction, and that what we need is to go back to the more traditional values of showing kids that bad behaviour has unpleasant consequences?

Personally I completely disagree with the softly softly social worker type approach of talking to kids about their emotions when they are bad. Sure this should be part of it, but it shouldnt replace the punishment side of things. All we serve to do with this is encourage kids to blame their problems on everyone else but themselves, and it doesnt prepare them for the real world where there are really unpleasant consequences for bad behavour.

 

[sj1973]

I think if we smacked our kids,then why cant anyone else as in,teachers,police officers,etc?. Our kids learn from us,i am saying a different approach is needed when kids our naughty...what about the naughty step?....or bed?....why does it have to be so harsh as a smack?.

I was smacked when i was a child and that DID NOT stop me doing what i wa doing,just made me realise i would'nt smack my kids when i had them.
Whats the saying "it takes a bigger man to walk away from a fight then to have one"..."its the quiet ones to watch out for".

 

[JANEY K]

Ooh very interesting.

Right, so, just to play devils advocate a bit, what do you think to this:

2. so, if a child gets a complete lack of discipline and learns to respect no one and nothing, and their attitude affects other people, do you still think that its no one elses busines?
I personally agree with you .My cousin is a secondary school teacher and she has had to bear and put up with bad language and verbal abuse,it does get out of control and without sounding rude as it is not meant ..some of the parents are just as bad.

3) The subject has been raised of showing kids praise when they are good, and using positive re-inforcement. Does anyone feel that in this respect we live in a hypocritical society?
yes we are being told what we can and can not do..sort of in the best interest of the child,don't do this do that..too much protection laws which makes children defy their parents..i think they tend to forget they are our children we brought them into the world..not them

Do you think that there has been a shift in the wrong direction, and that what we need is to go back to the more traditional values of showing kids that bad behaviour has unpleasant consequences?
yes good old fashioned back to basics discipline as i said Abuse demonstrates anger and hostility ,involves humiliation and Requires physical submission ..words to the effect that i heard once and i screamed and lashed out at a family member once for saying to her son that she wished he hadn't been born..that's mental abuse and cruel .

Discipline demonstrates love and affection,verbally teaching children right from wrong,it's based purely on a balance of power and mutual respect between child and parent and does not require humiliation and submission.


Personally I completely disagree with the softly softly social worker type approach of talking to kids about their emotions when they are bad. Sure this should be part of it, but it shouldnt replace the punishment side of things. All we serve to do with this is encourage kids to blame their problems on everyone else but themselves, and it doesnt prepare them for the real world where there are really unpleasant consequences for bad behavour.

I agree but as someone has said already why some parents are pushed to the limit as it feels its their last resort! but to me it's not for me i see no cause in it...i'm the kind that would look at you with utter disgust if you whacked your toddler around the head in a public place.

As jen said the laws were brought out to stop abuse, that will never stop but there is a difference and yes it is right that the dangerous teens need a good sorting out to get the streets cleaned up.In this day and age it's all too much people being frightened to come out of their homes..also the vigilante neighbourhoods seem to be on the increase..do you know that on a recent survey in a newspaper that the ASBO tags are a code of honour and worn with pride ..your a big tough mean machine if you have one!...bring back the local beat bobby that wouldn't think twice about dragging you off back to your parents if you stepped out of line.