Unhappy, advice needed

[lillamy]

Oh my lovely, I'm a mental health nurse and I fear your own fears re BPD are correct. The way you describe him each time you post just feels like a another tick for the criteria.

This is the hard bit. He needs correct assessment and diagnosis in order to receive the support and skills to change his thinking. But it doesn't sound like he wants to. His thinking will be very different to yours and his behaviour is driven by his emotions and his inability to cope with them effectively.

I'm going to be blunt now. You need to make your own decisions about your future, but don't be fooled into thinking this will pass. Yes, he will probably burn out when he's older, but at his current age, he is in his diagnosis prime!

I feel for you, I really do.

with BPD u mean boarderline? the only reason I think he has it is cos I have read about it as I was looking for something as I thought there must be a reason he is this way. He was apparently way worse when younger and he has become better with age. However I find it very hard and I cant imagine how it wouldve bn when he was younger.
What treatments are there then>? is it councelling and medication or?x

 

[nicole333]

He will need to make the GP the beginning. He will need to complete an assessment in order to be given the diagnosis. It then depends on the funding for your area, but the treatment that is evidence based for this diagnosis is called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

It's hard work and requires a lot of commitment from him, it's also long term. If he can get on the waiting list (if this is offered in your area) then it's a start.

In the meantime, or if he is not going to take this any further to get the right help, you need to think about how you might support yourself and him. There is a good book I can give you the details of, it may help explain things from a trusted source (be careful what websites you choose). It can also help him understand and identify with the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.

A long and rocky road ahead, and you have to be in it because you want to be, not because he is manipulating you into sticking around.

 

[Steph41]

I have sent you a PM x

 

[lillamy]

He will need to make the GP the beginning. He will need to complete an assessment in order to be given the diagnosis. It then depends on the funding for your area, but the treatment that is evidence based for this diagnosis is called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

It's hard work and requires a lot of commitment from him, it's also long term. If he can get on the waiting list (if this is offered in your area) then it's a start.

In the meantime, or if he is not going to take this any further to get the right help, you need to think about how you might support yourself and him. There is a good book I can give you the details of, it may help explain things from a trusted source (be careful what websites you choose). It can also help him understand and identify with the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.

A long and rocky road ahead, and you have to be in it because you want to be, not because he is manipulating you into sticking around.

Please give me the details of the book maybe u can pm me them Id be interested to read about it? Thank you X

I wish I could get him to get the help but he doesnt want to so. You are right to say that I shouldnt be manipulated in to being there and I dont want to be manipulated in to it and I dont see it working anymore in the long term but I want to be his friend no matter what happens

 

[deb1511]

Oh hun couldn't just read and run. Big hugs you say when you try suggesting he speaks to gp he things you judging him. Your not a bad person for thinking you fed up of this life thou sounds you still love him deeply could you suggest you both speak to someone together and say this is gonna make things so much easier in relationship and you are not his ex you ain't gonna walk though if he doesn't let you explain your feelings it him to get some kind of help you think there gonna be no future not cause if lack of love for you sanity and stress levels big hugs sorry if rambling I phone and screen disappearing can't see lol 😃😃😃

 

[Clairdestiny]

I had to reply:: sounds to me as if he is depressed :-( you say he may harm himself '' please do not stay with him because you are scared in case he will harm himself because that is not fair on you!! He needs to sort himself out only he can do that xxx take care xxx

 

[deanosnana]

Oh you made me smile Thank you for your wise words I really appreciate it. I think deep inside I know the answer yes (and no i dont want to be unhappy!) but I am just so scared. NOt only for myself but I am scared what will happen to him. I am also scared of being alone (silly thing but I am) and I am scared, scared scared............... It really helps to have some replies and thoughts, thank you so much for that x I just dont know HOW to move on or find the strength in this it just feels like a mountain at the moment

I know how scary it can be. Without going into all the gory details, I left an abusive marriage with a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

Oh, did I mention I had NOTHING when we left? No money, no job, etc. Now, THAT is scary. Things ALWAYS work out for the best. I have a great life and my kids got to grow up in a peaceful, loving environment.

It wasn't always easy and I struggled but that made me the person I am today. What doesn't kill us truly makes us stronger.

Wishing you all the best! :hug:

 

[LizAG]

Hi you've got some great advice here and only you can make the right decisions for you. Best of luck with whatever you decide. I agree with others that if you can share this with a trusted friend, I'm sure you'll be amazed with the support you receive.

 

[nicole333]

Please give me the details of the book maybe u can pm me them Id be interested to read about it? Thank you X

I wish I could get him to get the help but he doesnt want to so. You are right to say that I shouldnt be manipulated in to being there and I dont want to be manipulated in to it and I dont see it working anymore in the long term but I want to be his friend no matter what happens

Sorry, I've been at work today. I thought your pm said you couldn't receive pm's, so here is the link for the book

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1339255788&sr=1-1

I know it's easier said than done, but if you want out, get out. You are not responsible for his choices.

 

[lillamy]

Sorry, I've been at work today. I thought your pm said you couldn't receive pm's, so here is the link for the book

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook: Amazon.co.uk: Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, Jeffrey Brantley: Books

I know it's easier said than done, but if you want out, get out. You are not responsible for his choices.

oh thank you so much!! xxx

 

[lillamy]

I know how scary it can be. Without going into all the gory details, I left an abusive marriage with a 2 year old and a 4 year old.

Oh, did I mention I had NOTHING when we left? No money, no job, etc. Now, THAT is scary. Things ALWAYS work out for the best. I have a great life and my kids got to grow up in a peaceful, loving environment.

It wasn't always easy and I struggled but that made me the person I am today. What doesn't kill us truly makes us stronger.

Wishing you all the best! :hug:

Oh wow well I raise my hat for you!!!!!!!!!! you're right though that things have a way of turning out for the best x

 

[lillamy]

Hi you've got some great advice here and only you can make the right decisions for you. Best of luck with whatever you decide. I agree with others that if you can share this with a trusted friend, I'm sure you'll be amazed with the support you receive.

I am meeting up with one of my best friends next week so i will talk with her I think if I feel brave enough. Thank you for your message X

 

[nicole333]

oh thank you so much!! xxx

Your welcome. I hope you both find it useful.

 

[tanfastic]

oh geeks I am so so thankful for your honest replies it means a lot!

tanfastic - you really opened my eyes. These are my exact fears! I am now in my eary 30ies and I feel I have to either break it or settle for this. But it is not how I dreamed it would be and I feel that I need to not waste more time but it is just so very hard for me to break it but I will have to make a decision. I think I have made it I just havent verbally done it. It took me ONE YEAR to break up in my previous relationship (when i was younger, that lasted 6 yrs) so I am a bit slow with these things....

Thank you so much for all the advise geeks I needed to hear this stuff I really did! Coz I havent talked to anyone about it, I havent had any views other than my own...Its just been a battle in my head!! I needed to hear all of ur views and all of ur advise and experiences and now I need to be strong and figure out how I can financially get myself sorted so that I am not dependent on this relatinship (not that it is financially safe either..) X

:hug:
Hope things work out really well for you

 

[jacquelineanna]

I cannot see why you would want to hitch your star to a person with such problems.

You are not his mother or a blood relation, you can leave.

You will be spending the rest of your life in and out of this cycle if you stay with this man.

He has some serious problems and needs to deal with them and by what you have said he seems to have decided that he doesn't need to or want to.

His last girl friend left for similar reasons. Well done her.

You need to do the same.

Being an emotional crutch for someone doesn't help the other person and it certainly won't help you.

If you were my daughter and had been pretending for the whole time that things were great when they clearly are not I would be very very upset with you.

And I would step in and help her to do the right thing for herself.

This man would not be the right thing for my child. And this man is not the right thing for you.

But all the opinions in the world will not matter until you have seen for yourself what your life is going to continue to be.

And the life of any children you may eventually have.

You have a choice.

You are not a 20 year old with no life experience who may still think they are 'the one' who can change him and make a difference.

You have said you are smart and pretty.

So act smart and pretty and make the decision that will decide how you spend your life for the next 30 years.

Peace and respect.

Jacqui xx

 

[IndieGlow]

Hi your partner sounds very similar in mannerism to my mum. I don't know what his childhood was like and it's not my business but my mum has a disorder that was only JUST diagnosed after years of having "depression" she was convinced she had bi-polar as her moods were so irrational. Through reading your posts I recognise so many elements of my mum and also some in myself (I am manic depressive)it's VERY hard to cope with out seeing your g.p in my opinion. Please please try to get him to go as I honestly think HE ALREADY knows he has a problem-and an idea what it is! (we both did) I have had a very italic life living in USA, Portugal, Cyprus, Ireland and now Scotland (and I'm from Portsmouth) I have been marked and divorced and I'm only 25!!!! It's only since having my daughter I've become aware of my behaviour. Please see G.P xx

 

[IndieGlow]

Sorry predictive text lol x

 

[lillamy]

Thanks geeks for all your replies! what would I do without you... I almost broke up with him the other day, with that I mean it was the closest I have ever been to leaving. I know that sounds pathetic but it was a big one for me. Since then he has been working really hard on his business venture and has made some money too from it and it has a lot of potential. HE HAS been very successful but too young and too wild and irresponsible and threw it all away and also his mood - swings ruin a lot for him (hence he is working alone now) so I know he can be but I just dont know how long he would let it last for and I am tired of the rollercoaster.......... I saw a relative of mine the other day who has a stable husband and beautiful children and a normal happy family life and I thought - thats what I want ........... not what I currently have

I feel deep inside like I have already given up on this. It is like I am just "waiting" or preparing myself for CHANGE. I am a little slow with these things (last time I did this sort of thing I "prepared" myself for a whole year).

Another thing is that at the moment Im about to start my level 3 in college and I worry that if I leave now I will ruin all that for myself as well - I know that sounds selfish and horrible but it is really really really important to me personally (like one of the most important things in my life) to complete this and to make a better future for myself. I dont feel strong enough on my own at this point (money wise I cant see how Id get through it - maybe the goverment would help me?) at the moment, can I even rent anything without a job or with only a part-time job?? would anyone rent anything to me??? where would I go? So now Ill be preparing myself and I know that this is happening because I posted (which I hadnt done if I wasnt having serious doubts about the future of this relationship) this and since I posted this I have opened up to a friend as well - so that is major progress for me. And I know deep inside that it aint going to work........ and another thing I have noticed is that I often act motherly towards him and feel i need to take care of him like he was my child - now that is twisted no? And I suggested the GP thing to him again and first he said that maybe he will look in to it but then he got angry and said that he dislikes me for making him feel that there is something wrong with him and wanting him to go see a shrink or take medication (he said that how can I want him to go on pills etc - which I never said I did, i just wanted him to see the gp) and it turned in to a big argument... it is just a pointless battle he gets bitter and angry inside!

Anyhow- Thanks so much for the messages they have really really helped a looooooooot and I really needed to hear your comments so thank you!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[lillamy]

I cannot see why you would want to hitch your star to a person with such problems.

You are not his mother or a blood relation, you can leave.

You will be spending the rest of your life in and out of this cycle if you stay with this man.

He has some serious problems and needs to deal with them and by what you have said he seems to have decided that he doesn't need to or want to.

His last girl friend left for similar reasons. Well done her.

You need to do the same.

Being an emotional crutch for someone doesn't help the other person and it certainly won't help you.

If you were my daughter and had been pretending for the whole time that things were great when they clearly are not I would be very very upset with you.

And I would step in and help her to do the right thing for herself.

This man would not be the right thing for my child. And this man is not the right thing for you.

But all the opinions in the world will not matter until you have seen for yourself what your life is going to continue to be.

And the life of any children you may eventually have.

You have a choice.

You are not a 20 year old with no life experience who may still think they are 'the one' who can change him and make a difference.

You have said you are smart and pretty.

So act smart and pretty and make the decision that will decide how you spend your life for the next 30 years.

Peace and respect.

Jacqui xx

Thank you for you wise words - all makes perfect sense x

 

[nicole333]

The mood swings you talk about are emotional dysregulation. They can happen many times throughout the day, or just go from day to day. Many people say they feel highs and lows and these are misunderstood by some Psychiatrists, who then go on to misdiagnose BiPolar.

It's something we see happening a lot. Also, we share something in common in that my clients who have BPD bring out the paternal side in me and my colleagues sometimes, you can't help it. But, once aware you are doing it you can then stop and go back to keeping him in adult mode.

Do what you need to do. You can't be judged for it, as nobody knows what you might be experiencing unless they have experienced it too. :hug: