V.Upset at BFs attitude

[joe90]

:cry: one upset geek here. I have been with my BF for almost 3 years and whilst he has never been gushing with his compliments etc, I really believed when he said he loved me that he really did, but now I am beginning to doubt it.

On coming out of the hospital on Tuesday morning he was more intent about getting out of the hospital car park without paying than making sure I got to the car ok. So off he shoots with an instruction for me to make my way to the main road and wait there.

On the way home he kept saying, "so I suppose you are going to milk this for all its worth then?" He hasn't really made any attempt to support me in any way. Every night when he has come back from work his evening has consisted of coming straight on the pc followed by making his tea (no offer to make me any), then either putting his feet up on me asking me to rub them or falling asleep when I protest that he is hurting me.

Last night seemed to be the last straw for me, I asked him when he came in from work if he would put the dishwasher on, it was loaded I just couldn't bend down to get the tablet out of the cupboard. Anyway 10.30pm I was going to bed, went into the kitchen and guess what, he hadn't done it. So, I did it myself and in doing so hurt myself. I just stood in the kitchen and cried - I feel that he is taking the P**s and I told him as much.

He came in tonight from work again pc straight away and then again fell asleep. I wanted to talk about his lack of support etc instead he just got up walked away from me and went to bed.

I know the anaesthetic I had will make me weepy etc but I just feel so bloody miserable and I had to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

 

[rouge]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. The least he could do would be to give you a bit of help. What's the matter with him!?!?!?

Think long and hard about your relationship with him. Has he been like this for a while and you just haven't noticed because life gets in the way? Or is this a sudden change in him? Either way, you need to get to the bottom of it. Maybe when you're feeling a bit stronger though?

:hug::hug::hug: for you. Good luck.

 

[1999judy]

If I meet a man who doesn't feel and act this way I will probably have a heart attack and die.
Get well soon hun and know that at least WE understand:hug:

 

[nailzandbeauty]

Yes have a think when your more stronger to handle things more.Iv had all that with my previous realationships but now my husband who i have been with for 9yrs in september is the tatol opposite,i thought it was weired at first that someone actually cared but now i love it and love him more for it.Have a think anyway and when you feel better have a chat with him if he shrugs it of or walks away then the choice is yours!!
Good luck dont take any s***
sending you loads of get well:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[angel fingers]

tell him angelfingers said 'stop being such a selfish little turd'

i hope you soon feel better, you dont need that sort of crap too.

 

[Christine G]

Oh yes, I know just how you feel, I have had 5 major operations in the last 4 months, the last one took it out of me considerably.,,,I couldnt sit up for 2 weeks when I came home. The trouble is, after doing almost everything for them, they come to expect it. I have got to the stage where there is always a problem, infections,more surgery needed etc, and all I get is, "oh God not again!!). you'd think it was them going through it. After talking to several friends, it appears that 90% of the male population are like this, and my mum has told me that all men are selfish, no matter what.
Having said that, if I ask him to do something for me he will do it,,,,but should they need to be asked?
You have to be a bit selfish here yourself, make yourself a priority, surgery takes it out of you, perhaps he is a bit scared of whats happened to you and does not quite know how to deal with it.
Don't let it fester like I used to, all this does is eat you up, make him sit down and listen to you, and tell him everything thats upsetting you.
Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

Christine

 

[Bagpuss]

Swine !!

I think you have every reason to be cross with him.

A partner should be your backbone...they are called your other half for a reason. If you cant do then they should do for you and versa versa until you are back on your feet again.

He's let you down big time babes...is he usually like this or has he generally been ok before this...? i know some blokes don't handle illness well, but he could at least try.

I wouldn't have put the washer on chick...(but then i am a stubborn mule) and i wouldn't do anything else while i was recovering. While he sees you doing it then he wont.

 

[pure]

Sadly I think it's a fairly typical male reaction. (Although I'm sure that there are the odd exceptions out there!)

:hug::hug::hug::hug:Lots of hugs to you and I hope you feel strong enough to kick him soon.:lol::lol:

 

[weezie]

So sorry you are feeing down. You definitely feel more sensitive to these things when you are unwell, but it's hard to know how these things have been done without being there.

If I were you I would talk to him about it and if he still doesn't make an effort consider whether you can live with him if he's like that. If he doesn't want to change you either need to let these things wash over you or find someone who behaves more like you would like. Some men given half the chance will make more of an effort if they realise how unhappy they are making you by their behavior, but sometimes they need to be told first! If they don't want to make the effort after you have told them then that really tells you how they feel about you, if you love someone then you want to make them happy.

I'm very lucky as my boyfriend is very loving and helpful most of the time, however he also forgets sometimes and needs a gentle reminder!

I hope you manage to talk it through :hug:

 

[joe90]

Swine !! I...is he usually like this or has he generally been ok before this...?

I could think of more fitting words than swine Angie - think of cockney rhyming slang and I would call him after the lancashire engineering company "Mather and Platt" - get me drift?

He can be selfish yes but I suppose I have always made excuses for him because he is an only child and always got his own way.

He constantly criticising the fact that my daughter doesn't do an awful lot either and maybe she doesn't but this week she has done quite a bit for me.

I have started further rantings in a journal now so that I don't have to clog up the forums with my crap!

thanks to all for your support it really is appreciated.

 

[joe90]

Oh yes, I know just how you feel, I have had 5 major operations in the last 4 months, the last one took it out of me considerably.,,,I couldnt sit up for 2 weeks when I came home. The trouble is, after doing almost everything for them, they come to expect it. I have got to the stage where there is always a problem, infections,more surgery needed etc, and all I get is, "oh God not again!!). you'd think it was them going through it. After talking to several friends, it appears that 90% of the male population are like this, and my mum has told me that all men are selfish, no matter what.
Having said that, if I ask him to do something for me he will do it,,,,but should they need to be asked?
You have to be a bit selfish here yourself, make yourself a priority, surgery takes it out of you, perhaps he is a bit scared of whats happened to you and does not quite know how to deal with it.
Don't let it fester like I used to, all this does is eat you up, make him sit down and listen to you, and tell him everything thats upsetting you.
Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

Christine

Bless yer Christine, you have been through it and here I am moaning. I hope you are on your way to a full recovery too.

 

[1999judy]

He's a man.
The world revolves around them.
Apparently
Sorry to any men that may read this btw :lol:
But you may admit that it's true.

 

[pure]

He's a man.
The world revolves around them.
Apparently
Sorry to any men that may read this btw :lol:
But you may admit that it's true.

LOL! :lol::lol::lol:

 

[pips]

My hubby was exactly the same, when i was poorly it wasnt that big a deal, when he was poorly he was at deaths door.
I had a total hysto 3 1/2 years ago and i had to ask for everything doing, even asking if some one could make me a drink or make me a sarnie, finaly after a few days home but less than a week after surgery i was walking around a little better but fell back in to the routine off chief cook and bottle washer doing everything i used to, i finaly snapped and had it out with hubby and lads and told them how pissed off i was with it all and ide never asked for help before so the least they could have done was help me in a time of need.
Enough was enough in less than a month i had found my mum dead on the room floor, had a hysto and my youngest had surgery for testicular cancer. I packed a bag and walked out! It was the best thing i could have done, it woke them up and we turned a corner.
Ive since had further surgery and i can honestly say i was waited on hand and foot, never asked for anything it was just given to me, even the housework is done on a saturday when i get home from work.
hubby now cooks, cleans, irons can work the dishwasher and washer. The floors are all swept and washed downstairs and hoovered upstairs.
I have a new hubby :green: I think because we have been together 25 yrs we kind of got in a routine and just plodded along so take a step out of your comfort zone and make your feelings known, if you have a strong relationship in otherways then the changes can be made.
Good luck hun and i hope you feel better real soon :hug:

 

[handmaiden]

:hug:well I read your journal and this and I think your bf , is an inconsiderate little ****! you should expect nothing less than total support from a partner in your situation and any caring partner would be there to help you however they could. if I was closer id come and cheer you up xx

ps, do nothing around the house for him, no ironing , no washing his crap up , no tea making , then he might realise what its like.

 

[Mrs.Clooney]

Joe, he is being very selfish and you have every right to feel peed off. You are obviously feeling very vulnerable at the moment........post anaesthetic, uncomfortable, painkillers etc...... but this is when you need the most support from your partner.

Perhaps when you are feeling stonger you will feel more up to having this out with him. He shouldn't get away with it!

Hope you are feeling better soon :hug:.

 

[Buggy]

I've got to agree with Pips. Give the man a shock and leave or throw him out. it will do one of two things:

(a) make him realise what he has lost and he will do everything he can to get you back;
(b) he won't be bothered that you've left/thrown him out in which case. although you may find it hard to accept, it is just bringing about the inevitable and you are better off without this inconsiderate b@st@rd and you can concentrate on yourself and getting better. (you may think this is harsh but often it is less painful to know exacty where you stand, even if it does end, rather than hanging on with all that uncertainty weighing on your shoulders, so you can deal with it and get on with your life, rather than sitting and waiting for it to end)

sometimes we don't realise what we have until we've lost it so hopefully he will realise when you walk out the door. but on the other hand we hang on too long thinking things will go back to the way they were when plainly they are not. show this man you are not a doorstep and won't stand for this inconsiderate nonsense and your life does not evolve around him, and if this is how he thinks he can behave then quite frankly you can, will and would rather be on your own.

 

[Amethyst_Angel]

:hug:

Oh sweetheart! That's so awful! I can't believe he said something so horrible as "I suppose you're gonna milk this for all it's worth"!!!!! I think the VERY least he could do for you is fix you some tea and a nice hot cuppa when he gets home. It's not exactly as tho you've been sitting at home on yer jollies, is it??!?!!?! What an utter git!

I think you'd do well to vent your feelings in a journal. Sometimes you just need to express yourself and get it all off your chest. It stops all the nasty feelings from building up inside you and making you MORE ill when you should be concentrating on getting yourself better.

Just so you know - we're all here for you on the board. And any time you need a good scream and shout (even a virtual one!) just come on here! We all understand!!! And we all care a lot about our fellow geeks.

Luvnhugs

Kirst

 

[littlegrohl]

:cry: for you!!
after 10 years with a pig i finaly decided i was worth more.. its only early days but i think i may have a winner!! you.. we.. deserve better!!
:hug::hug::hug:
selfishly after reading your post i feel better that i left the father of my kids.. because what you described feels all too real to me! Consider yourself and what you want/need and see if he is part of it! but dont wait 10 years like i did to decide mate!

 

[nailzoo]

Solution No1 : When he's asleep tonight, pull the sheets over his head, then give him a firm kick in the balls, ...... when he wakes in the morning and has to crawl to the bathroom nursing his bruised babies, feeling a little incapacitated himself, he may appreciate you a little more.

Solution No2 : Go on strike

Solution No3 : Upgrade to a more appeciative model