Advice about narcissism

[emma84]

I really need as much advice and help as I can get.
How do you deal/cope with someone who is a narcissist that doesn't realise it?
This isn't me being cruel or trying to be funny they genuinely are a narcissist.
It is apparent more then ever now as a family funeral is being arranged and yet still it's all about them because we are not giving them the attention they crave.
It has got so bad I'm close to having some sort of melt down, they are certainly not the type of person to realise this and get professional help.

 

[KayaPapaya]

I really need as much advice and help as I can get.
How do you deal/cope with someone who is a narcissist that doesn't realise it?
This isn't me being cruel or trying to be funny they genuinely are a narcissist.
It is apparent more then ever now as a family funeral is being arranged and yet still it's all about them because we are not giving them the attention they crave.
It has got so bad I'm close to having some sort of melt down, they are certainly not the type of person to realise this and get professional help.

I feel your pain. There's a lot of it about

I just tend to avoid person at all costs, and if I do need to deal with them, do it on my terms. Keep it short, polite and move on (quickly) before getting sucked in to another drama.

Take care of yourself and don't pander to their neediness

 

[emma84]

Thank you it is difficult as its a parent and I still live at home.
I've done some research and it's scary how it states they may do 1,2,3 and this may have made you feel like a,b,c and it is as though they have written my life story they have pushed so many relationships with family/friends away that I used to be the 'glue' holding things together but it's tiring, I wish I could help them and change things around but with the nature of narcissism we know that's not possible.

 

[Dexy]

Oh god I know how you feel, my mother is like this and it's very sad but I've now got to the point where I have distanced myself for my own sanity and because I don't want the cycle to continue on with my daughter, it's very hard when it's a family member , big hug to you xx

 

[Trinity]

I've found the advice and information on Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers really useful, it might give you some insight and coping strategies. Ultimately, you can't change the person, only how you deal with their behaviour :hug:

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

 

[emma84]

Thank you for your replies, can I ask Dexy when did you realise it was narcissism and not just that they were mean or uncaring? X

 

[emma84]

Thank you Trinity did they have it on fathers? X

 

[Dexy]

Thank you for your replies, can I ask Dexy when did you realise it was narcissism and not just that they were mean or uncaring? X

Only very recently , it was this year, I spent years beating myself up and asking why wasn't I good enough what did I keep doing wrong etc
Luckily I work part time in a gp practice and they have been great and our in house councillor explained a lot to me which has finally made me see it's not me with the problem , it's so sad that I will never have the relationship I want with my mum but I know that I can cope better by maintaining some distance from her, I'm 37 now and the problems became apparent when I was 14 and wasn't aware what the issue was back then , good luck with everything xx

 

[emma84]

Thank you, I need to find some written advice for dealing/coping with him and give my mum and sisters a copy although one of my sisters seems to be a carbon copy of my father, I didn't realise that it's had such a big impact on our lives even in our relationship decisions x

 

[BeautyByGee]

How strange, I'm going through a similar thing at the moment with my other half. His dad has NPD although he won't acknowledge this obviously!

But I'm starting to see elements of his personality and odd behaviour in my husband and it's scaring me. They say it can be inherited or learned behaviour so I can totally see how your sister may have developed his personality traits.

I completely understand what you mean when you say you read things online and it's like someone's written down your life story.

Before I started seeing changes in my husband, he purchased a book from amazon called 'the everything guide to narcissistic personality disorder' and it's very good, I'd recommend it if you need a starting point.

 

[emma84]

Thank you BeautybyGee that's really helped I will have a look for that now x

 

[candy cupcake]

I agree with trinity. I found that website very helpful, I think the first step is realising it isn't your fault, so I'm glad you're at that stage!

I have put boundaries in place, such as I visit my parents at their house once every two weeks and if anything starts I leave immediately. I started this in January, and it has helped and I feel so much more in charge of my own life now... has also been difficult as they will resist!
I know you live at home, but you can still put some boundaries in place appropriate to that. Make sure you are spending time with good friends, schedule it in, you need positive reinforcement!

Don't accept what they say as truth, make time for yourself (escape for a long bath if you can't leave the house).

Remember you are important. And you are grieving too. Be kind to yourself.

xxx

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[wilsonpam1]

Emma you need to read the book "you're not crazy- it's your mother" by Danu Morrigan. I have the same issue, my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder & Narcissistic PD. It helps you with coping mechanisms. I have been very much at the end of my tether this year with her behavior so I know what you are going through xxx

 

[emma84]

I've looked up this book and obviously as title suggests it's about a mum but in my case it's actually my dad, are there books that people know about that talk about it being the father that has this disorder.
I am struggling at the moment as its my mums mother ( my nan ) who has passed away so naturally I want to be there and support my mum but it's like having a rude, self centred child that I feel like I am constantly pussy footing around to make mine and my mums life easier especially at this difficult time.
I don't want to be like my dad at all even me putting things like this up makes me feel like I am talking about me too much this is horrible, I do not know how my mum has managed to cope with this.

 

[MamaG]

Thank you it is difficult as its a parent and I still live at home.
I've done some research and it's scary how it states they may do 1,2,3 and this may have made you feel like a,b,c and it is as though they have written my life story they have pushed so many relationships with family/friends away that I used to be the 'glue' holding things together but it's tiring, I wish I could help them and change things around but with the nature of narcissism we know that's not possible.

Oh I do feel for you! I tolerated 34 years of this from my Mother and unfortunately the only thing I could do at that point was cut her out completely for my own sanity. For so many years I got roped into the drama and bulls**t. It was only as I got older I could see it for what it is and have the confidence to walk away.
Life is so much easier now and also knowing that my own children will not be exposed to it all
My advice is simply to be strong and remember that we did not choose our family. Blood is not always thicker than water. Hugs! X

Sent from my GT-I9505 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[PinkSwoon]

We're also in the same situation hugs

 

[emma84]

Wow narcissist's really do thrive on dramas and sad/bad news or situations.
I don't even recognise my own fathers actions of being that of him, the first man I loved, my hero, my protector, my lovely dad x

 

[PinkSwoon]

Sorry I couldn't elaborate earlier, I was in a rush!
Yes I realised about 2 years ago that something was not right with my mum (search for the thread I made about it called something like 'Depression Related Family Problems' for an in depth story) but boy do I feel for you. It's truly horrific & it feels like a repulsive dark cloud of negativity. The situation has moved on slightly from the thread I made but I have slowly detached myself from my mum (even though I still live with my parents), I stay in my room the whole time whilst at home & avoid talking to her at all costs, it really is affecting my home life but my mum doesn't want to be helped, she is quite happy being how she is so there is nothing more I can do. I really hope you come across a solution or relief soon x