Hen night poem HELP!!!

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1999judy

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Do we have any good poets here that can help me with a hen night speech/poem for this Saturday? Or is there an online one that anyone knows??...I've googled but not found anything.
It's just something for when the girls are having a drink getting ready for the evening so we can start the night off with some nice and funny words for the bride to be.
Please help I'm desperate!!
 

pips

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Naughty ........

On July 7th this year,
The .......... will celebrate,
Their blond curly haired bambino
Having found her life long mate.

But before she gets dressed up in white
We’ll reveal her for what she is,’
And give poor ....... a chance to consider
Does he really want her to be his?

Thank God that the poor sod’s got money
‘cause boy this girl knows how to shop,
With her Dolce & Gabbana trousers
And her Julien Macdonald pink top.

Not only is money essential,
He must provide plenty of room,
To house her Space NK cosmetics,
‘cause their new range is coming out soon.

She can look like a hooker from Harlem
But she thinks she looks like Posh Spice.
Yet we know she’s more like the former
She’s definitely naughty - not nice!

For example one time when abroad,
She performed an amazing feat,
By rutting some bloke in a Fiat Uno
Where her kno****s hung over the seat.

In fact she’s a bit of a slapper
There’s nothing that she wouldn’t do
For some slap and tickle with Sven or Becks -
But only if ‘Hello’ is there too.

If you thought it was only the blokes
Who have naughty wet dreams late at night
You’d be wrong – ‘cause she’s quite convinced
That she once gave Prince William a fright.


“Oh Wills! Oh Wills!” she moaned
As she writhed around the bed
“Please drop your trousers and Paul Smith pants
And relax while I give you some ***d”

Let’s hope ........ is energetic
To satisfy all of her plans
For she’s already ordered a Gucci buggy
And nappies from Donna Karan.

If he turns out to only shoot blanks
Or his sperm count’s pathetically poor.
She’s already visited Battersea Dogs Home
And reserved a black Labrador.

She’s actually terribly cheeky
because she eats like she’s never been fed
She’s particularly animal like with her peas
And her oil soaked ciabatta bread.

Yet she spends so much time stopping Michael
From eating or drinking too much.
The poor bugger’s on cabbage soup for a month
So his six- pack is firm to the touch.

One thing that we’ve never made out
Is how she survives a steps class
‘cause her t**s are so big, they rest on the floor
So the back row can just see her arse.

Whatever’s been said here tonight,
Despite silent but violent farts
That f****** mobile that never stops ringing,
She’s captured young .......... heart.

This warm, caring, generous girl,
Who is strong and funny and clever;
Loves shopping, sh*****g, wine and plumbers
From July, will be .........forever.


How about this one, you can fill in the blanks with their names lol Apologies if it offends but it only meant in fun!!
 

1999judy

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Ooh thats good...I'd take some bits out though...the nice bits:lol:
 

Noodle

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1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types .
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him .
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one-they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners-he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men .......... a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men
- strong, caring, loving -
they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
17. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.​
 

hayls

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how about this :

The Flushing Bride
By Emily Walden Emerson
He a desk clerk, her a maid
Of a huge hotel where tourists stayed
He only saw her now and then
But he knew how their tale should end
He tried and tried to find a time
He could ask her “Please be mine”,
When he could be on bended knee
And speak the most poetic plea
From such a classical position
Could she resist his proposition?
But she was busy, he was shy
And fast the time went by and by
Until she caught another’s eye
And he thought the second man might try
So he knew he must act fast
He’d find her now and ask at last
He searched and searched to no avail
But was determined not to fail
Then he smelled her sweet perfume
Right outside the ladies room
He took some flowers in full bloom
And went in after, to be her groom
Well she was shocked (how would you feel
To see a man approach, then kneel
While you were emptying your bladder
It would be quite an awkward matter)
“Please don’t think it too upsurd
If I could have a little word
I know my timing’s rather bad
But to lose this chance would be more sad
If you’re having trouble concentrating
I’ll wait till you’re through urinating”
“Well”, the maid said, full of dread
“If you must speak then go ahead”
So he bravely took her hand
Took a deep breath and then began
“For so long, I’ve dreamed of this
To propose and then to kiss
I know that you don’t know me well
Ask anything and I will tell
Yes there’s still so much to learn
We’ll have surprises every turn
But as I see you there, upon the throne
The sweetest frown, ever I’ve known
I’ve seen your best and smelled your worst
And still my heart it longs to burst
So take this ring it is a symbol”
She said “It looks just like a thimble.”
He said “Sorry, I had to hurry
The other man, he made me worry.”
“The other man? What nonsense utter,
That man you mean, he is my brother.”
“Your brother? That’s such a relief
But I found courage in my false belief
So here we are, and here’s the ring
Or the closest thing that I could bring
So please say yes, once and for all
Right here and now inside this stall”
Somehow, just then, the ring fell in
“Shall I reach in, or is that a sin?”
“I think it better that you not
It really wasn’t worth a lot”
Then she added, with a blush
“And I haven’t yet a chance to flush”
As you wish, but I’ve no issue
To touch your urine or your tissue
I swear I’d swim in a sea of pee
If that would make you marry me
My Lady, let your heart decide,
Would you consent to be my bride?”
“I can’t resist. That’s so romantic!
And I see that yours is quite gigantic!
I’m speaking of, of course, your heart
For it’s the most important part
So I say yes, I’ll be your bride
You’ve won me with how hard you’ve tried”
They shared a kiss, he smiled wide
For a touch of tongue she had applied
“Please carry me out, if it sounds not dumb
(It’s not for romance, my legs are numb)
One last thing, please don’t place blame
If I might ask, per chance, your name?”
And that’s the story of how they began
The Flushing Bride, and her brave, brave man
And how that day he did trap her
Then and there upon the crapper
(Yes, they lived happy, ever after)
 

Seductive

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They are fantastic
 

1999judy

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HappyHands

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I made one up but its a bit rude..... people will take affence:lol::lol::lol:

Which you all the best for the night though:hug:
 

1999judy

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It's a bit cheesy but this is what I've ended up with
A Poem for Julie

Its time to say goodbye to the past
It’s time for you to get married at last
Men have come in and out of your life
Now it’s time for you to be a wife

You always loved chasing the boys around
Dreaming of the day you’d wear a wedding gown
You had a wide variety of men
But you knew it was time to start life again
Dave and Wayne to name but a few
But none were special enough for you

Then John got to know you
You stole his heart
You realised he was for you
And you didn’t want to be apart

He gave you a ring and asked for your hand
Your single days are over when you wear that wedding band
On 4th August you’ll enjoy your bridal kiss
We all wish you the best in your nuptial bliss


XXX
 
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