How to distance yourself without being cold hearted

[Faylizzie]

Hi geeks I'm ever so sorry for the moany rant but 'm struggling with distancing myself from some clients who think they are friends. Don't get me wrong I like them but they want social interactions with me an I'm just not into that.
In particular I have one lady that is going through a rough time at the moment (went through a divorce its been going on for about a year now) her family live about 30/40 minutes away and I'm not sure if she has friends. She texts me with all her problems and phones me crying an now she keeps asking me to pop round as she needs a shoulder to cry on.
Now I'm going to sound really cold hearted but I just haven't got the time or patience for it. It's Sunday- my only day off from working every hour under the sun during the week and she's just phoned me crying begging me to come round before she does something stupid, so now I have to drag myself out of my PJs into the rain to go round to make sure she doesn't do something stupid (she used to self harm and had told me she's tried commuting suicide before (she told me this after my cousin did which she knew about an knew I felt really guilty about her dying so knows it's my weak spot))
I just don't know what to do, I only see her for treatments every now an then but she seems to see me as her counsellor or something an I can't cope with it any more!
How do I nip this in the bud to stop it happening in future without feeling guilty? I've tried not answering her calls or messages but then she'll send me a guilt tripping message or phone me off a blocked or different number! Please help me I'm at my wits end and I know I'm guna lose it with her soon, she's stressing me out an my usual happy go lucky personality is being drained away from me in to a stressed out, snappy negative bi*ch!

Please help me! Xxxxx

 

[Kim Lawless]

:hug:At first I thought you were simply talking about people that cross the line. People that cannot separate the fact that you are just their therapist and a very friendly person and that you have a life of your own away from work filled with friends and family or even better………sometimes filled with nothing. God knows we talk every second that we're in work and are a listening ear to all of our lovely clients.

Of course there are the clients that you are closer to, some we laugh with, some we even cry with, some we confide in, some we're not so fond of but we hide it well, but unless you decide to cross that line most clients are just very nice people that pass through our 'working' life.

However!!!! This lady isn't normal and I can promise you this………if she's not doing this to you, she'll be doing this to someone else. She is one of life's drainers. You must sever all ties because you're getting dragged into something that you don't want to and it really isn't fair.

If you lose her as a client so be it but she will try to do the same to her next therapist. Just make up a white lie and don't reply until the working day and say 'Sorry, I have family round'. She'll soon get the message.

Just add that in my experience, these people are always very lovely and of course you feel mean but you work hard and you can't take on that responsibility. They don't mean any harm, they just have that wire missing in their make up that tells them when they've crossed the line. x

 

[squidgernetball]

If you think you sound hard I'm far worse. I wouldn't answer her calls and if she texts read and ignore. She is not your responsibility. If she manages to catch you answering the phone to her make sure you have an excuse ready. You're just about to go out or you are poorly. If she is desperate give her the number for the Samaritans. She may be suicidal but you are not a professional and imagine if you go to all the trouble of helping her and she still does something. I would point her in the direction of help while making it clear it is not you.

Good luck as I know is not easy.

Vicki x

 

[nicole333]

This situation will not get better on it's own, it will only get more muddled with you being called upon to 'rescue' her as long as you keep enabling this to happen. You have to stop it and I feel the only way is to cease communication with her and not have her as a client anymore either.

I work in a professional capacity with people who are like this and you are not responsible for her safety or wellbeing. Direct her to family or professionals every time she does this.

 

[w1nnie]

I have been in a similar situation, and I know how you feel. Mine ended by her moving away thankfully, but it certainly toughened me up, and I make sure I don't fall into that trap again. If the conversation starts going the wrong way I just change the subject.

If it were me in this situation I would tell a white lie and say you're going into hospital for an operation, and you will be out of action for 3 months, will give her time to find another nail tech.

 

[KHS]

I really feel for you, but I just have to echo what the others have said, you need to ignore her now, as hard as it is, she will give you all the emotional blackmail, but be strong!!

Always be busy if she rings you, even if you're having a PJ day, it's YOUR day and if she carries on not getting the message tell her you are sorry but you feel a trained professional will be better for her to talk to.

Good luck, be strong x

 

[Faylizzie]

Thank you for all your replies, your support is so appreciated an made me feel much better & less guilty, I've just left hers an told her straight there's nothing more I can do to help and I think she needs to seek professional help as I'm emotionally drained from it an can't do it anymore - I snapped but feel so much better for snapping. She apologised sarcastically an said she didn't realise she was being so draining on me an won't bother me again. So I said thank you & left. Eeek I feel as though I can smile again and my world looks a lot brighter! Thank you all honestly do not think I could of plucked up the courage to say anything otherwise!! I feel a lot more confident with your replies on dealing with something like this if it arises in the future! I'm guna have a heart of a stone if clients try an do this to me again! Let's hope I've pi**ed her off enough now to get the picture! Thank you thank you thank you!!! Xxxxxx

 

[nicole333]

I hope that this is the end of it for you. If it isn't, stay strong and repeat yourself no matter how much things escalate to get you to change your mind.

 

[KHS]

Good for you well done ....and...breath lol x

 

[ch-ela]

She is not your responsibility, full stop!

It looks like she tried to make you take on a role of counsellor, which you are not. Yes, we can be sympathetic to clients but that's as far as it goes.

If she does contact you again with these threats, you might suggest that you will call for help for her but not get involved further. You can pass it on to the professionals that have the training to deal with this.

Don't in any way feel guilty. I hope she finds the help that she needs.

 

[Faylizzie]

Thank you! I hoping this is the end but am just going to be firm with her from now on if I hear any more! Never letting myself be in a position like that again! Thank you for all your wise words! Xxxxx

 

[trozzina]

So pleased to read that you extracted yourself from this awful situation.

It reminded me how a few years ago I went to have some reflexology and about a week later the therapist turned up on my doorstep in tears!

To cut a long story short, after she wrecked my relationship with my boyfriend, I learned never to allow myself to be sucked into other's grief/despair/dependency (call it what you will). Always have the number for the Samaritans to hand to pass on...

I'm glad you're out of it.
kx

 

[Faylizzie]

So pleased to read that you extracted yourself from this awful situation.

It reminded me how a few years ago I went to have some reflexology and about a week later the therapist turned up on my doorstep in tears!

To cut a long story short, after she wrecked my relationship with my boyfriend, I learned never to allow myself to be sucked into other's grief/despair/dependency (call it what you will). Always have the number for the Samaritans to hand to pass on...

I'm glad you're out of it.
kx

Oh gosh your therapist! That's awful, it's a hard lesson to learn an so glad I've got out of it. She text me today saying "so your not going to help me get through this then" I didn't text her back then had 12 messages of question marks. I have now blocked her number! Sorry to hear that it ruined your relationship xxxxx

 

[ch-ela]

Are you prepared in case she visits you at your place of work? I wouldn't put it past her.

You are a beauty therapist and she needs a different kind of therapy. Maybe if you explain that to her she might understand. It's very difficult to deal with this type of person.

 

[Faylizzie]

Are you prepared in case she visits you at your place of work? I wouldn't put it past her.

You are a beauty therapist and she needs a different kind of therapy. Maybe if you explain that to her she might understand. It's very difficult to deal with this type of person.

I'm mobile so there's no way of her finding me thank god lol! If I do run into her an she says anything I'm going to say to her I can not help her and tell her to see a councillor an just prey it doesn't cause a scene lol! Xxxxx

 

[Charberry]

Oh gosh your therapist! That's awful, it's a hard lesson to learn an so glad I've got out of it. She text me today saying "so your not going to help me get through this then" I didn't text her back then had 12 messages of question marks. I have now blocked her number! Sorry to hear that it ruined your relationship xxxxx

Don't be afraid to inform the police if you have to. Constant texting and calling when you have said it is unwanted is classed as harassment and they can issue her a warning/restraint order thingy.

I hope it all calms down for you now you have blocked her though

 

[Faylizzie]

Don't be afraid to inform the police if you have to. Constant texting and calling when you have said it is unwanted is classed as harassment and they can issue her a warning/restraint order thingy.

I hope it all calms down for you now you have blocked her though

Thank you, I will if she continues, I know she has other numbers so will block them as she uses them to! Xxxxx

 

[nicole333]

I thought this may happen, but you sound like a strong cookie and have handled it well since visiting her the other night. This is the time to stand completely firm and have no contact back whatsoever. If you text one thing or have any contact it will be seen as a green light to continue.

She is determined and if this continues after you have ignored the 12 ?'s I would indeed inform the Police as she is harassing you. I would not even threaten her or let her know you will be doing it, just do it. It's so important to not have contact if this is going to stop completely.

 

[trozzina]

Goodness; how terribly sad that she would feel that's appropriate behaviour... How on earth was she expecting you to help her through it????
But yes, you must protect yourself now. Don't worry about bumping into her - your anticipated response is perfect (and appropriate). Just try to get her out of your mind and get on with your own life.

Best wishes,
Kx