Need to get this out and breathe!

[carlytaylor1986]

Hi geeks, apologies for my rants lately but it just seems one thing after another. I will try and keep it as short as.

I have just been on a long weekend away with a friend who, about a year ago, finally cut ties with her abusive boyfriend. They initially broke up around 2 years ago and none of her family and friends knew she had been in contact with him as little as a year ago - just me.

She's someone I grew close to as I used to work with her and she also lives right by me (to the point I can see her house). She went through numerous counselling sessions and heartbreak to get over him and finally get to the place she is in now. When I say abusive I mean to the point he nearly killed her. Anyway when we were away, she could not put her phone down and was telling me it was her other friend keep messaging her. But she has recently told me he has been in contact with her, but not said since when (I am putting two and two together and assuming it was him she was messaging the whole time) and where I can see her house and I walk past it every day, when I was walking past it the other day I swear to god I saw him driving away from her house!

I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me, but I am so frustrated that after the numerous times I have seen her upset, had her round mine for dinner/drinks and been a shoulder to cry on, giving her advice on the situation, she's gone and done it again (this is the second or third time now since I've known her). I am not going to ask her about it as it is her life and up to her what she does, but sometimes I just feel like banging my head against a brick wall. We have a couple of mutual friends and I can't even speak to them about it as they would literally kill her and none of my friends understand the situation so I can't really tell them about it, hence me ranting on here. Sorry Geeks xxxxx

 

[funtimefranko]

What i always say is.... no point nagging on at people if they're going to do something they're going to do it. This isnt a comparison but my mom smokes... she knows it bad, she knows she needs to stop but she'll only do that when she wants to... no point me nagging. People have to learn for themselves. Hopefully it isnt to late... but you need to try and turn a blind eye really because i dont think you'll actually be able to help her x

 

[carlytaylor1986]

What i always say is.... no point nagging on at people if they're going to do something they're going to do it. This isnt a comparison but my mom smokes... she knows it bad, she knows she needs to stop but she'll only do that when she wants to... no point me nagging. People have to learn for themselves. Hopefully it isnt to late... but you need to try and turn a blind eye really because i dont think you'll actually be able to help her x

I know, I haven't even mentioned I thought I saw him, like you say she'll do it when she wants to. I just don't want her to spend her life broken hearted and then say to me "why do I never meet anyone decent" I want to say "because you give the wronguns too many chances"! I definitely know I won't be able to help her now, as I thought she was doing so well, but has obviously caved into his advances again! I just don't want her to blurt it all out in a couple of months as I am fed up of hearing about it. Thank you for your reply xxx

 

[KHS]

Sadly you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
I really feel for you right now. You can't do right for doing wrong if you get on to her she'll resent you, if you don't and something happens you'll never forgive yourself.

I have no advice here, I've learnt in my 45 yrs, the more you tell someone not to do something the more they will, if you stand back and do nothing she'll think it's acceptance.

Not sure on her age, but can you not speak to her mum? Or someone else close to her to remind her of what happened the last time?

Afraid to say, you can't help someone who doesn't want it...keep strong lovely x

 

[FlawlessBeauty]

It's a horrible situation. I had the same thing with my cousin...finally free then a couple years later she felt like she was being left on the shelf and got back with him.

Her family and friends were furious and refused to have him in the house etc.

Of course it started again but it took him cheating on her with her best mate for her to finally leave him once and for all.

I made my feelings clear about him at the start and then was just there to pick up the pieces.

She has been in a relationship since then that sadly didn't last but she now has 2 beautiful boys x

 

[missbexxy]

Tbh....Friends should be there for whatever situation they are in or whatever path they choose. It's not about trying to change their thoughts and actions it's about just being there to support as and when is needed through the ups and downs of life. X

 

[Trinity]

Tbh....Friends should be there for whatever situation they are in or whatever path they choose. It's not about trying to change their thoughts and actions it's about just being there to support as and when is needed through the ups and downs of life. X

A valid sentiment, but really really really hard when you've picked up the pieces on countless occasions, you've put her before other friends and family when she's in need, listened to her sob and take the blame herself when it's clearly not her, built her up, dusted her off and helped on on her way again over and over again, and she goes back to him AGAIN. (can you tell I've been there too?) I've been doing a similar thing for over 20 years with my best friend. I've had to step away now - I keep repeating the mantra 'not my monkeys, not my circus' - she's over 40 years old, we've been doing this too long and I think I was starting to be an 'enabler' and that's had to stop. Things have got much worse for her since I stepped away and it breaks my heart to watch but I can't fix it, I can't stop her doing it, so I have to let go.

I truly feel your pain

 

[Josie34]

You can tie yourself in knots trying to help this woman, and it won't change a thing. Only she can alter her pathways in life.

 

[Pollypocket85]

In defence of your friend, however shit this guy is, and she will be fully aware he is one, there is something pulling her back. A connection or a moment with him that's perfect. She wants to be the one to change him or put him on the straight and narrow. She also hasn't told you because she knows what your reaction will be. I know you care about her and have picked up the pieces but that's what friends do. I understand you're frustrated but you really are best keeping it to yourself. Talking to her about it won't help as she knows your feelings.
Your friend wants this guy however unsuitable. You just have to be there otherwise your friendship will suffer. Xx

 

[Grace_Hair]

I know, I haven't even mentioned I thought I saw him, like you say she'll do it when she wants to. I just don't want her to spend her life broken hearted and then say to me "why do I never meet anyone decent" I want to say "because you give the wronguns too many chances"! I definitely know I won't be able to help her now, as I thought she was doing so well, but has obviously caved into his advances again! I just don't want her to blurt it all out in a couple of months as I am fed up of hearing about it. Thank you for your reply xxx

Why not say that? Try and make it a joke?

 

[AcidPerm]

Actually, you don't have to stay friends with her. It's your choice just as its hers to keep going back to this man.

Sometimes, you need to break free of negative friendships if they're getting you down. As Trinity says above, by supporting her you're enabling her to continue making poor choices.

 

[jessec2000]

Actually, you don't have to stay friends with her. It's your choice just as its hers to keep going back to this man.

Sometimes, you need to break free of negative friendships if they're getting you down. As Trinity says above, by supporting her you're enabling her to continue making poor choices.

This is so true destructive/negative relationships do harm to your own life path x x stay strong and distance yourself

 

[carlytaylor1986]

Sorry, I haven't been on here all weekend. She's nearly 31, I really wouldn't want to bring her mum into it as both of them would end up hating me and resenting me. I just can't do anything. I am backing off a bit from her lately, as she's not been very nice...I have woken up and smelt the coffee, only ever wants to know me when she's got a problem or she needs help, yet I'll see her at the station (as we get the same train home) and because she's with her other friends, I get completely ignored, I just get glared at and walked past - literally like something out of mean girls! I've spoken to my real friends about the whole situation and they say it's just so weird how one minute she wants to be my best mate (when she wants something or wants someone to go away with) and then when she's with her other "cooler" friends I get ignored and they told me to just back off from her as I don't need someone that negative in my life. As i really don't. A couple months ago i was starting to feel a bit low and I am sure it's because of her, bringing me down as she's always so negative and depressive. Anyway, since I haven't been speaking to her that much I am starting to feel a bit more positive. Let her live groundhog day with this fella, as at the end of the day it's just up to her.

Sorry to everyone that's been in the same position, it really is tiresome and draining. I am sure if I said to her "every time I hit my head on this wall I get a headache" she'd say "stop hitting your head on the wall then" - same theory applies to you my dear. My way of looking at it anyway. Hope everyone's had a lovely weekend though xxxxx