It's not uncommon for a couples needs to be out of sync sometimes, particularly when you have had stressful periods in your life (I.e. bereavement/having a child/moving house/depression). By threatening to go elsewhere he's essentially bullying you to get his own way. It's childish, selfish and unacceptable. You should have the freedom in your relationship to say when you're not in the mood without having any fear of the consequences. It's not right. Sorry if that sounds harsh, just my opinion right or wrong.
Dare I ask a question about libido?
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Wise words.. as always.
Spa Therapist, he has no grounds to act the way he is. Sulking is hardly an attractive look and he's not going to entice you in to bed with that, is he?
Do you think he might be feeling jealous of the time you are spending with the baby and feeling left out? This does tend to happen a lot, and I think men find it hard to put into words exactly what they are feeling.
He feels his needs are not being met, but are yours? His are of a sexual nature but yours maybe be different, you need sleep, rest, support. Are you getting those? If you can, talk to him about both your needs and try to find a way that both of you get more of what you want.
Maybe a weekend away without the little one can bring you back closer together so that you only have each other to focus on.
With all the pressure of being a mother, it's easy to forget that you are also just a woman, a friend and a lover.
T
tonicj
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I would tell him if he strays I would chop his bits offmakes me furious.
She really means it!
virtues2011
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what a bloody cheek!...
Next time he goes into one about not getting it .. just point to the area and say sarcastically "oh what's this? I'm confused! it looks like a willy ....but only smaller"....then turn over and go to sleep. Really!
Probably won't help the situation much mind ....
Sorry my sarcasm gets the better of me sometimes! :lol:
Next time he goes into one about not getting it .. just point to the area and say sarcastically "oh what's this? I'm confused! it looks like a willy ....but only smaller"....then turn over and go to sleep. Really!
Probably won't help the situation much mind ....
Sorry my sarcasm gets the better of me sometimes! :lol:
Zooks
Well-Known Member
OP are you happy with your relationship outside of this issue?
It sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time and I'd be both devastated and out the door if my OH responded like this.
Of course he may be a really good guy who is shocking at communication but he should not be treating you this way. You deserve more support and love.
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It sounds like you've had an incredibly tough time and I'd be both devastated and out the door if my OH responded like this.
Of course he may be a really good guy who is shocking at communication but he should not be treating you this way. You deserve more support and love.
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tonicj
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Hahaha Virtues! In this case it's probably best not to mention the "willy" word! It ccould come to life very quickly and OP needs rest! :lol:
The difference between men and women is that we never forget, and to be intimate with a man we needed to feel loved, comfortable in ourselves and secure.
The things he says to you are not making you feel any of the above my instead obliged to sleep with him which in return makes you resent him.
I read quite a few books by Barbara and Allan pease on the difference between men and women and they are brilliant and I would suggest reading them because they will help.
If u strip away the domestication of humans then men were put on this earth to sew their seeds and women to have babies. Simple.
A man has 20% more testosterone in his body that drives him to want sex / he can't help it.
Women do not have this testosterone in their bodies because we can only reproduce once every few years at most
Many couple separate after having a baby and this is why
Once a woman had a baby her testosterone level drop dramatically so she no longer wants sex - this is because if she was still seeking a mate she would therefore neglect her child. Because that child is now dependant on it's mother for the next x amount of years her body is geared towards caring for that child and not seeking a mate ( the honeymoon period in any relationship is two people being at it like rabbits for 6-9 months giving a high percentage of a child being conceived) after that the sex will slow down.
Unfortunately men still desire sex because that is why any bloke is on this planet,so even though u have had a baby he still has his needs whereas your body is no longer at the stage to want conceive another child as all your attention needs to be on your child:
Unfortunately humans decided to get married and be monogamous - humans are not designed to be monogamous !!!!
But we developed a society where we are and that's where a lot if problems arise
Fortunately for some with have men that understand that we no longer live in caves and can control their urges - other can't
I suggest reading these books, they help with relationships and I have a gear understanding of my man now and why he does the things he does - and why I do and feel the way I do at times hth xxx
The things he says to you are not making you feel any of the above my instead obliged to sleep with him which in return makes you resent him.
I read quite a few books by Barbara and Allan pease on the difference between men and women and they are brilliant and I would suggest reading them because they will help.
If u strip away the domestication of humans then men were put on this earth to sew their seeds and women to have babies. Simple.
A man has 20% more testosterone in his body that drives him to want sex / he can't help it.
Women do not have this testosterone in their bodies because we can only reproduce once every few years at most
Many couple separate after having a baby and this is why
Once a woman had a baby her testosterone level drop dramatically so she no longer wants sex - this is because if she was still seeking a mate she would therefore neglect her child. Because that child is now dependant on it's mother for the next x amount of years her body is geared towards caring for that child and not seeking a mate ( the honeymoon period in any relationship is two people being at it like rabbits for 6-9 months giving a high percentage of a child being conceived) after that the sex will slow down.
Unfortunately men still desire sex because that is why any bloke is on this planet,so even though u have had a baby he still has his needs whereas your body is no longer at the stage to want conceive another child as all your attention needs to be on your child:
Unfortunately humans decided to get married and be monogamous - humans are not designed to be monogamous !!!!
But we developed a society where we are and that's where a lot if problems arise
Fortunately for some with have men that understand that we no longer live in caves and can control their urges - other can't
I suggest reading these books, they help with relationships and I have a gear understanding of my man now and why he does the things he does - and why I do and feel the way I do at times hth xxx
adventuregirl
Well-Known Member
I love this explanation.
It's the reason why men cheat more often, I believe. Basic animal instinct and not the way we have conditioned ourselves to behave.
OP, I think you are doing more than enough on your part for the relationship. Your husband has it better than a lot of couples post-baby and especially after you've had such a rough time and a lack of sleep.
Can you talk about these things openly with him? It may help. Pressure on you plus texts suggesting he will look elsewhere is hardly conducive to a loving and trusting sexual relationship.
Good luck xxx
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Spa Therapist
Well-Known Member
Thankyou for your replies everyone! You have left some fantastic responses, and I don't mind the harsh ones! Those books sound really interesting, I will definitely look them up on Amazon.
I probably am partly to blame for letting him get away with it, but no-one has ever stood up to him in his life so when I do he lashes out like a bully. It just seems easier to keep quiet... but then he's nasty and launches into these bullying attacks anyway! So I'm not sure.
Last night he'd been moaning about me saying I "rush through my housework at night so I can grab the remote before he gets down from putting the baby in bed". In actual fact, the night before I'd watched 20mins of TV before he even came into the room, then I kept telling him every 5 minutes he could change the channel if he wanted to. He refused so he could sulk.
So... I suggested that we both compromise and share the TV. Sometimes he plays his Xbox and sometimes I watch TV. He launched into "well it was MY TV anyway - and what do you do for 8 hours sat on your arse anyway?" - hmm well clean the house from top to bottom and look after your child! I said he was now just trying to pick and argument and I wasn't going to walk into it as I didn't want an argument. He started screaming that I'm trying to end the conversation because I know I'm wrong.
I ended up screaming at him to just leave me alone, but in his mind he can dictate to me when to speak, so he didn't. Eventually he said "Well go upstairs then if you don't want to speak to me" to which I replied "No you don't control me" - this didn't go down well either as I was 'disobeying' him.
This morning he's sulking, so he's left a lovely status on facebook about me saying "once a slag, always a slag" - his reasoning is that I sent messages to men I know on facebook before we even met. I never met any of these people, let alone slept with them likes he says I did. I'm not allowed to have male friends now because apparently I'm a slag.
If I say something he doesn't agree with, he launches into a lecture about how "I've got no friends (because I left them to move 200 miles away and live with him, I must add!), no-one has ever wanted me, I'll be nothing without him, I won't be trusted to look after my daughter, she'll grow up thinking I'm a slag..." etc etc
Apparently I'm an embarrassment and he doesn't want to be seen with me because I'm anti-social. Just because I socialise in a different way to him, he thinks it's wrong. I prefer to sit and have a nice meal and a chat, he prefers to drink himself to oblivion, spew up everywhere and make an absolute show of himself (then be violent and aggressive to me when he gets home)
He sent messages to a girl from his home town asking her to sleep with him while we were married. He tells me he's sleeping with loads of women, which I don't believe because he's useless with women and speaks to them like crap.
He has a bad relationship with him mum, which I know is the problem. He has no respect whatsoever for women and is a spiteful, nasty bully towards them. To be honest though, I had a terrible time as a child and I don't act like this towards anyone, I'm an adult and I take responsibility for my own actions.
Despite it all, I stay here because he loves our daughter. He's going away for 4 months in July so I'll see how I feel on my own. Hopefully it will be a bit of a break for us both.
Sorry for the dirty laundry, but some of it is off my chest now :lol:
Aren't I lucky :|
I probably am partly to blame for letting him get away with it, but no-one has ever stood up to him in his life so when I do he lashes out like a bully. It just seems easier to keep quiet... but then he's nasty and launches into these bullying attacks anyway! So I'm not sure.
Last night he'd been moaning about me saying I "rush through my housework at night so I can grab the remote before he gets down from putting the baby in bed". In actual fact, the night before I'd watched 20mins of TV before he even came into the room, then I kept telling him every 5 minutes he could change the channel if he wanted to. He refused so he could sulk.
So... I suggested that we both compromise and share the TV. Sometimes he plays his Xbox and sometimes I watch TV. He launched into "well it was MY TV anyway - and what do you do for 8 hours sat on your arse anyway?" - hmm well clean the house from top to bottom and look after your child! I said he was now just trying to pick and argument and I wasn't going to walk into it as I didn't want an argument. He started screaming that I'm trying to end the conversation because I know I'm wrong.
I ended up screaming at him to just leave me alone, but in his mind he can dictate to me when to speak, so he didn't. Eventually he said "Well go upstairs then if you don't want to speak to me" to which I replied "No you don't control me" - this didn't go down well either as I was 'disobeying' him.
This morning he's sulking, so he's left a lovely status on facebook about me saying "once a slag, always a slag" - his reasoning is that I sent messages to men I know on facebook before we even met. I never met any of these people, let alone slept with them likes he says I did. I'm not allowed to have male friends now because apparently I'm a slag.
If I say something he doesn't agree with, he launches into a lecture about how "I've got no friends (because I left them to move 200 miles away and live with him, I must add!), no-one has ever wanted me, I'll be nothing without him, I won't be trusted to look after my daughter, she'll grow up thinking I'm a slag..." etc etc
Apparently I'm an embarrassment and he doesn't want to be seen with me because I'm anti-social. Just because I socialise in a different way to him, he thinks it's wrong. I prefer to sit and have a nice meal and a chat, he prefers to drink himself to oblivion, spew up everywhere and make an absolute show of himself (then be violent and aggressive to me when he gets home)
He sent messages to a girl from his home town asking her to sleep with him while we were married. He tells me he's sleeping with loads of women, which I don't believe because he's useless with women and speaks to them like crap.
He has a bad relationship with him mum, which I know is the problem. He has no respect whatsoever for women and is a spiteful, nasty bully towards them. To be honest though, I had a terrible time as a child and I don't act like this towards anyone, I'm an adult and I take responsibility for my own actions.
Despite it all, I stay here because he loves our daughter. He's going away for 4 months in July so I'll see how I feel on my own. Hopefully it will be a bit of a break for us both.
Sorry for the dirty laundry, but some of it is off my chest now :lol:
Aren't I lucky :|
Jhdhairdressing
Well-Known Member
That sounds absolutely awful! You should never stay with some for the children, your daughter will grow up thinking men can treat women like that and put up with it! What would you tell your daughter if she had a partner like this??
I was in a dreadful relationship, he was verbally and physically abusive to me in front of my little girl, one day while he was at work I packed our clothes and left him for good! And moved in with my parents. I done this for my daughter because she shouldn't of seen what she was seeing she was just over 1 when I left him and it really affected her.
You need to so what's right for you and your little girl in long run xx
This sounds like an abusive relationship and one you seriously need to consider getting out of! He sounds awful like a total bully! My ex was a bit like this I left him and never looked back!!!!!
I totally get the libido thing btw assince I've had my second baby Who is now 17 months I'm totally different to before! I feel exhausted all the time and just can't be arsed for it half the time! It's nice to hear that others have experienced this too!!!
My hubby is really understanding and patient though. I would most certainly chop it offing he strayed ales where though and he knows that!!!
WilsonBarberCo
Well-Known Member
You mentioned him 'lashing out'. If this lashing out is physical in any way, get you and your baby out of that house, at the very least for a little while! No one on this earth deserves this treatment.
I'm sorry to speak this way about your husband, but who does this bloke think he is?! Does he think we're in flipping Mad Men, where women are expected to look after the baby, clean the house, cook his meals and be fully made up by the time he comes home at 5pm?! Think he needs a reality check!
As for him saying he's sleeping with other women- what?! How does he think this, and his other behaviour, would make you think that you want to be anywhere near him (sexually or otherwise!!). He is absolutely out of order, and while I recognise there are always 2 sides to a story, I have no idea what comeback he'd have!
Is there anyone you can stay with for even a couple of weeks back home? Just for a break from all of this?
The original problem, mismatched libidos, is something that could be worked through, should he decide that he wants to make an effort to make you feel good about yourself (like a previous poster said- between the ears before the legs!). But the emotional, verbal and potentially physical (although you haven't confirmed it) abuse you are receiving is absolutely not acceptable!
I really hope you find a solution to this, and wish you and your baby all of the very best xxx
I'm sorry to speak this way about your husband, but who does this bloke think he is?! Does he think we're in flipping Mad Men, where women are expected to look after the baby, clean the house, cook his meals and be fully made up by the time he comes home at 5pm?! Think he needs a reality check!
As for him saying he's sleeping with other women- what?! How does he think this, and his other behaviour, would make you think that you want to be anywhere near him (sexually or otherwise!!). He is absolutely out of order, and while I recognise there are always 2 sides to a story, I have no idea what comeback he'd have!
Is there anyone you can stay with for even a couple of weeks back home? Just for a break from all of this?
The original problem, mismatched libidos, is something that could be worked through, should he decide that he wants to make an effort to make you feel good about yourself (like a previous poster said- between the ears before the legs!). But the emotional, verbal and potentially physical (although you haven't confirmed it) abuse you are receiving is absolutely not acceptable!
I really hope you find a solution to this, and wish you and your baby all of the very best xxx
I agree with a lot of what's been said. Goodness what a horrible situation you are in.
I personally would run for the hills. My fear would be that though he may be good with you little girl now, what's to say he won't be just a disrespectful and bullying to your daughter as she gets older. I don't believe for one minute that his attitude towards you is just reserved for you. If, as you say it stems from his relationship with his mum, then I wouldn't hold out much hope he knows how to communicate and respect women whomever they are. Children learn their first experiences from home, if he can't respect you, then what sort of message does that send to your daughter.
Stay strong my lovely and get out now.
Xxx
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I personally would run for the hills. My fear would be that though he may be good with you little girl now, what's to say he won't be just a disrespectful and bullying to your daughter as she gets older. I don't believe for one minute that his attitude towards you is just reserved for you. If, as you say it stems from his relationship with his mum, then I wouldn't hold out much hope he knows how to communicate and respect women whomever they are. Children learn their first experiences from home, if he can't respect you, then what sort of message does that send to your daughter.
Stay strong my lovely and get out now.
Xxx
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virtues2011
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Send him round to my house. He'd come back a changed man..or not at all! Either way he would be different.
Disgusting behaviour. No excuse. You shouldn't put up with it, baby or not! ... in fact why did you even have a little baby with him.. he wouldn't have much left to make a baby with once I'd finished with him.
Sorry probably arguing with myself here :lol:
Disgusting behaviour. No excuse. You shouldn't put up with it, baby or not! ... in fact why did you even have a little baby with him.. he wouldn't have much left to make a baby with once I'd finished with him.
Sorry probably arguing with myself here :lol:
T
tonicj
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Oh Spa Therapist, is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?? Reading your latest post has made me feel very sad indeed! You need someone to enhance your life, not someone who will drag you down to the lowest point! Please take some time and re-think your life with this bully!
classychick
Well-Known Member
I could have wrote your post myself...exact same situation for me honey lol x
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mm29
Well-Known Member
Il go against the grain but first of all I will say his behaviour is wrong and disgusting and there is no excuse and he needs a slap
However going against the grain I think your husbands career has a lot to do with his attitude,
Does it make it right no and I think you's two need a break from each other so you can put all your energy into your daughter and yourself
The military has a lot to answer for and it's a hard life I said last week behind any good soldier is a stronger women the way the military operates is not like any other job and they need to learn to leave work (attitude) at home
I understand this will probably open a can of worms but until youv been in our shoes you won't understand our way of life.
Hope your ok xx
However going against the grain I think your husbands career has a lot to do with his attitude,
Does it make it right no and I think you's two need a break from each other so you can put all your energy into your daughter and yourself
The military has a lot to answer for and it's a hard life I said last week behind any good soldier is a stronger women the way the military operates is not like any other job and they need to learn to leave work (attitude) at home
I understand this will probably open a can of worms but until youv been in our shoes you won't understand our way of life.
Hope your ok xx
As the OP has thanked everyone for their replies, and before there is a complete character assassination of her husband (he could be reading this thread after all), I shall now close this thread in the hope that the OP can use all the advice and information given to her best advantage.
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