Dare I ask a question about libido?

[Spa Therapist]

Hmm... well I had so many helpful and honest responses to my last thread, but I'm not sure if this is going a bit too far?

I want to know if what my husband thinks is true. You know what men are like - they brag. His friends tell him they are getting lucky almost every day! Their wives tell me that's a load of rubbish.

I try my best, and sometimes I feel more willing. When this happens he tells me how great our relationship is, but then 2 days pass without any action and he starts nagging and sulking again. It's frustrating because some days I'll be really willing to try, then he'll text me something really disrespectful like "if you don't want to sleep with me I'm going to find someone else who will" and any libido I had completely disappears :irked:
On these occasions it hasn't been any more than 4-5 days at the absolute most, and I'm actually trying my best so it just makes me think "what's the point trying to please someone who speaks to me in such a disrespectful way?" Is that just me?!

I should mention some factors which are worth considering. I had a baby 15 months ago and have suffered with postnatal depression, she still doesn't sleep through at night and I'm usually tired, I lost my Dad last year and I usually find myself thinking about him at night, I've moved to a completely new area so we can be together and we've generally had a lot of upheaval in the last 18 months.

What would you say is an OK average for us, given our circumstances? I hope this isn't inappropriate?

 

[louise-marie]

I had a similar experience after my second son was born, your hubby like mine needs a bit of patience! you've obviously had a lot going on and with time things will get back to normal. I would have a word with your hubby and tell him to lay off the pressure, explain how its making you feel and hopefully he'll understand.

 

[tonicj]

Aw! Sounds to me like you have a lot of emotions going on and hormones all over the place, with a very young child and the loss of your Father. As for your husband! His response can only be described as unsupportive. Is he running on batteries or something?:irked: To text you something like this is completely unacceptable!! You should NOT have to FORCE yourself to do anything. This should be a loving and shared experience, NOT something that you do out of blackmail! You say you had PND and your daughter still doesn't sleep. Does hubby help out with your daughter much?

Maybe go back to your GP and have a good talk. Wish I could help you more.:hug:

 

[Spa Therapist]

Aw! Sounds to me like you have a lot of emotions going on and hormones all over the place, with a very young child and the loss of your Father. As for your husband! His response can only be described as unsupportive. Is he running on batteries or something?:irked: To text you something like this is completely unacceptable!! You should NOT have to FORCE yourself to do anything. This should be a loving and shared experience, NOT something that you do out of blackmail! You say you had PND and your daughter still doesn't sleep. Does hubby help out with your daughter much?

Maybe go back to your GP and have a good talk. Wish I could help you more.:hug:

Thankyou! Your contributions on SG definitely cheer me up when I'm feeling a bit down :lol: :hug:
I suppose I just want to make sure it's not just me... I've even told him he can go off with whoever he likes as long as it takes the pressure off me! I suppose that's not the best thing to say but I'd rather have a cup of tea and a sit down at 8.30pm when the baby's in bed and I've tidied all the toys away, washed up etc!

xx

 

[moneeq]

I don't think it's okay for him to be texting you saying things like that for starters! I think you need to be honest with him and explain how it makes you feel when he says things like that, and understand women have a much more emotional connection to sex than men so many emotional factors will effect whether or not you are in the mood.

I still find if I have a bad day, lack of sleep, grieving / emotions always have an effect on my libido

My ex boyfriend used to get quite angry at me and say hurtful things if I didn't sleep with him and it made me so angry and not want to sleep with him at all. My current partner, on the other hand, is completely understanding if I don't want to. I think you just need to talk to your partner and be honest with him and tell him how you feel

 

[Nic1210]

He really should be more supportive and less pressurizing!! That being said, it might do you, personally the world of good!! Make you feel better about yourself being so desired by him, plus having sex releases 'happy hormones' so you get the post coital buzz!!sometimes being on the pill and such like can reduce libido...might be worth thinking about.. But overall, he should show you a bit of god damn respect! All men talk rubbish about their sex lives, you can bet your bottom dollar, if you were demanding it 24/7 he wouldn't be able to keep up anyway!! xx

 

[Spa Therapist]

I had a similar experience after my second son was born, your hubby like mine needs a bit of patience! you've obviously had a lot going on and with time things will get back to normal. I would have a word with your hubby and tell him to lay off the pressure, explain how its making you feel and hopefully he'll understand.

Thankyou for your reply! I've been using Salon Geek as a bit of an agony aunt page lately :Grope: oops!

I agree with you, but I thought maybe it was just me! I've told him that nagging me will only make me LESS likely to want to be intimate with him - infact it makes me want to swing him like a naughty cat haha :lol:

Did your husband come round in the end and support you? xx

 

[Spa Therapist]

I don't think it's okay for him to be texting you saying things like that for starters! I think you need to be honest with him and explain how it makes you feel when he says things like that, and understand women have a much more emotional connection to sex than men so many emotional factors will effect whether or not you are in the mood.

I still find if I have a bad day, lack of sleep, grieving / emotions always have an effect on my libido

My ex boyfriend used to get quite angry at me and say hurtful things if I didn't sleep with him and it made me so angry and not want to sleep with him at all. My current partner, on the other hand, is completely understanding if I don't want to. I think you just need to talk to your partner and be honest with him and tell him how you feel

Your ex boyfriend sounds a lot like my husband! I've tried explaining to him til I'm blue in the face but he seems to think he can be nice for a day and then go back to his usual approach. Then if I'm not grateful I'm being unreasonable :lol:

Don't get me wrong, I can laugh about it as I know how daft men can be. It can get very annoying though! xx

 

[tonicj]

Thankyou! Your contributions on SG definitely cheer me up when I'm feeling a bit down :lol: :hug:
I suppose I just want to make sure it's not just me... I've even told him he can go off with whoever he likes as long as it takes the pressure off me! I suppose that's not the best thing to say but I'd rather have a cup of tea and a sit down at 8.30pm when the baby's in bed and I've tidied all the toys away, washed up etc!

xx

Have you tried having a good heart to heart with hubby? I feel that if you keep giving in to his demands, just to keep the peace, then resentment will soon set in! No-one should have to do this!

 

[Spa Therapist]

He really should be more supportive and less pressurizing!! That being said, it might do you, personally the world of good!! Make you feel better about yourself being so desired by him, plus having sex releases 'happy hormones' so you get the post coital buzz!!sometimes being on the pill and such like can reduce libido...might be worth thinking about.. But overall, he should show you a bit of god damn respect! All men talk rubbish about their sex lives, you can bet your bottom dollar, if you were demanding it 24/7 he wouldn't be able to keep up anyway!! xx

Haha! If I was demanding it 24/7 it would definitely stop him moaning but I'm not sure how much housework would get done :lol:

I agree with you, it does help to make the effort. When I make a conscious effort, he appreciates it and I feel good... but then within a day or two he's complaining about how I "never want to sleep with him" so it's just not sustainable. He expects me to make a daily effort to do what he wants me to do... Whether I want to or not xx

 

[Spa Therapist]

Have you tried having a good heart to heart with hubby? I feel that if you keep giving in to his demands, just to keep the peace, then resentment will soon set in! No-one should have to do this!

I think the resentment has already set in to a certain extent! I'm not one to really let things fester, so (for example) when he sentme that delightful text I felt angry and resentful and didn't want to make the effort ever again. The next day I was over it and couldn't care less!

So really he has the opportunity to start afresh every day. He just doesn't get it - he could make me genuinely want him if he was nice to me, but he just has this awful approach! I've tried to tell him this but he just cuts me off and says I'm criticizing him. Sometimes he will let me finish what I'm saying and we'll have a long drawn out conversation where I get everything off my chest, but he's already jumped to the conclusion that I'm criticizing him so he doesn't digest what I'm saying.

From what I can tell, he thinks I'm trying to get my own way and that I don't want it at all. In actual fact, I just think we should both compromise.

Last night I was a bit upset about my Dad and I was in tears. One minute he was consoling me and the next he was trying to get me into bed. Today he's in a sulk and not speaking to me because I wasn't in the mood.

Men :lol::hug:

 

[Biljana]

Unacceptable! Period.
Is he wants to get laid I suggest he tidys and cleans up and watches the baby while you get a nap!
I am lucky and my husband tells all his buddies our secret to a happy life. Be a team Man! Grrr this makes me so mad and I feel so bad that any woman would be treated this way. If he wants to get it elsewhere tell him to go right ahead because I can promise you one thing. You make him look good, and it got to his head lol

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[tonicj]

I think the resentment has already set in to a certain extent! I'm not one to really let things fester, so (for example) when he sentme that delightful text I felt angry and resentful and didn't want to make the effort ever again. The next day I was over it and couldn't care less!

So really he has the opportunity to start afresh every day. He just doesn't get it - he could make me genuinely want him if he was nice to me, but he just has this awful approach! I've tried to tell him this but he just cuts me off and says I'm criticizing him. Sometimes he will let me finish what I'm saying and we'll have a long drawn out conversation where I get everything off my chest, but he's already jumped to the conclusion that I'm criticizing him so he doesn't digest what I'm saying.

From what I can tell, he thinks I'm trying to get my own way and that I don't want it at all. In actual fact, I just think we should both compromise.

Last night I was a bit upset about my Dad and I was in tears. One minute he was consoling me and the next he was trying to get me into bed. Today he's in a sulk and not speaking to me because I wasn't in the mood.

Men :lol::hug:

You are letting him off the hook to easily! By getting annoyed and then forgetting about it the next day means you are not actually dealing with what is happening. He should not be given the opportunity to start afresh each day so easily. It will just make him think he can say and do what he likes because there will be very little consequences for him. In his eyes, you will get over it! I have said on here over and over again that we teach people how to treat us and if Hubby is doing this to you continuously, it's because you let him! Sounds harsh, I know! Think about that!! I think hubby sounds extremely immature and shallow and I say this because last night he was consoling you about your Dad and then trying to get you into bed. He needs a kick up the a*se!!

 

[lynn amber]

Well all I can say is you all seem to better libidos than me lol, and if got a text like that I would be doing time at her majesty pleasure, a do feel me and my partner both need to make more effort but actual we are happy and in sync with each other most of the time 11years on, I have no idea what the average amount would be and because people tend not to tell the truth about this subject you would nevr get a true idea anyway

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[Noodle]

A gentle reminder for all I think ...

http://www.salongeek.com/chit-chat/213714-who-behind-screen.html

 

[xxsarahj25xx]

My blood is boiling just reading this! This man needs a punch in the willy and a harsh slap from reality!!

This is emotional abuse! If you dont want sex he should respect this, not send you vile messages threatening to cheat and making you feel guilty!

You havent mentioned your residential status, im presuming you live together? If its your house, i would honestly kick him out next time he tries this. If he wont listen to why your unhappy, maybe write him a letter so he can take it in after the heat of an arguement. Or take yourself and the baby off for a few days leave him a note and let him stew on it!

If hes worth the skin hes in he will see the error of his ways and beg you to forgive him. Or he might just seek someone else to fufil his ever so important needs!

Either way you cant carry on letting him think this is ok, with everything you have going on you need emotional support, not just grief for him not getting his nuts!

Hope this doesnt sound harsh (im perhaps a little too honest but i mean well xx), but ive been there done that and it wont get better unless you take serious action! Xx

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[Christine Mary]

Come on love!!! Re read your last paragraph! What the hell are you blaming yourself for?

Sounds as though he's a selfish man. Sexual desire starts between the ears, not the legs.

Remind him what his right hand is for if he dosn't change. You are worth more, so start to value yourself, and believe in yourself.

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Sorry to sound sexist - well actually, I'm not - but men are hopeless at communication. He thinks he can bulldoze his way. Educate him. Explain what you need and reward him if he gets it right.

 

[littlemissm]

I've been with my husband for 15 yrs married for nearly 5. When I met him I already had 2 kids my son was 3 & my daughter was 6 months.The first 3 yrs we were like rabbits lol then I had my twins & it was nearly non existent till they were 2. Then it picked up again I had another baby 5 yrs ago & now to nearly non existent. If he's lucky once a month. I have no interest in it & luckily my husband is very supportive & understands that I'm not a robot & cannot perform on demand. He says he is happy just having a cuddle & being with me.

 

[Christine Mary]

I've been with my husband for 15 yrs married for nearly 5. When I met him I already had 2 kids my son was 3 & my daughter was 6 months.The first 3 yrs we were like rabbits lol then I had my twins & it was nearly non existent till they were 2. Then it picked up again I had another baby 5 yrs ago & now to nearly non existent. If he's lucky once a month. I have no interest in it & luckily my husband is very supportive & understands that I'm not a robot & cannot perform on demand. He says he is happy just having a cuddle & being with me.

What a lovely, caring man.