Any step parents? Need an ' its going to be ok'

[Fionalex]

Finding the last couple of days extremely frustrating

Yesterday I took the day off to arrange a suprise for my bf. At the last minute I get told he wont be home in the evening as he wasnt told that his son's nativity play was on so he was gonig to that. So I had to cancel everything Obviously i understand the play was extremly important, and in fact I actually went with him. I know its his ex's fault for not telling him, she tends to do it on purpose. Then tonight, I am currently all glammed up, hair done makeup dress on, to go out to celebrate that I have been promoted and then off to a christmas party, and i get a phonecall saying he's going to hospital as his son has had a bump on his head. Obviously again I know how important it is for him to be there, but then i hear nothing, i sit here, an hour later than the taxi was meant to be here, and nothing. Surely he should give me the respect to at least tell me what the hell is going on. So I have changed into my pj's and i'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.

I know how important his kids are to him, but sometimes I just feel its okay if I am let down. I am no way saying that I would expect him to just leave his kid and not go to hospital, i'm just talking in general. Sometimes if we have plans and something comes up with the kids last minute, I get dropped.

Literally feel like crying my eyes out (only reason i'm not is it took me ages to do my makeup) because I love him and just feel I dont feel important when it comes to his kids. Its like another life, and I get dropped at a split second. Does it ever get any better.

 

[jojo@tranquil]

Hi,
Didn't want to read and run as they say !
You must be upset when you were all ready to go out, I can understand that, but look at it this way would you prefer him not to take an interest or not bother with his son ? At least it shows he is a caring dad and hopefully if ever you 2 have children you know he will be there for them. I know which kind of man I would choose.
I don't know how long you have been together, or if you have your own children but his son should come first in my opinion, especially if he has been taken to hospital. Maybe he just can't call at the moment.
On the other hand he also needs to think about you also, and your future together.
Don't be angry with him or start an argument it will just make him resent you.
Good luck x

 

[pure]

You have to accept that you are always going to come second to his children, and thats how it should be. However, that doesn't mean it is acceptable for him not to keep you informed, but that is an issue with him, not the fact that he is a father.

Being a stepparent is incredibly difficult but also incredibly rewarding.

You just need to sit down with him and get him to understand that it is unacceptable to keep you in the dark. :hug:

 

[sarah_clancy]

Hi,
Didn't want to read and run as they say !
You must be upset when you were all ready to go out, I can understand that, but look at it this way would you prefer him not to take an interest or not bother with his son ? At least it shows he is a caring dad and hopefully if ever you 2 have children you know he will be there for them. I know which kind of man I would choose.
I don't know how long you have been together, or if you have your own children but his son should come first in my opinion, especially if he has been taken to hospital. Maybe he just can't call at the moment.
On the other hand he also needs to think about you also, and your future together.
Don't be angry with him or start an argument it will just make him resent you.
Good luck x

Couldn't of put it myself jojo! xx

 

[Fionalex]

As I said I completely understand he needs to be there when he is ill, I am so proud of the Dad he is. I guess its just this that has topped it all off. I support him all the time,but its just the little things that arent so important that I get dropped for that gets to me, and I guess tonight it didnt matter what it was it just brought up it all.

I've told him to take his time and be there for him, that doesnt bother me. But when say for example we have plans, and suddenly he gets a phonecall saying can you take kids here, i get dropped. it can be anything.

I would never not expect him to be with his children when they need him. Just feel I need a bit of respect and would like my feelings to come into it.

Last night i'd booked us to go iceskating and to a lovely restaurant all of which I had to cancel.

I just feel a bit down x

 

[Fionalex]

sorry for bad punctuation, writing through tears x

 

[Fionalex]

i suppose im just on here to talk to someone :-(

 

[Crystal colleen]

Probobly very frustrating for you but these little things like nativity and hospital are important and you should look at it in a hood way he's a good dad.

Being included aswell is the key here at the end of the day your not going anywhere so doing things together with the boy is good which your doing.

Hospital senario his boy may be in a bad way touch wood he's not but he could be and that's why he hasn't contacted you,or if he's in the hospital normally with kids you will see the nurse then the doctor and then maybe X-ray or CT scan they are very thorough with children and you normally have to see lots of people for bumps on the head.I'm an expert because of my gal lol.Then if he's a bit concussed they may want to keep him in for a few hours.

I can see it's probobly frustrating for you but Unfortunatly when you have kids most things get dropped in times of need and that includes girlfriends and boyfriends.It's good he's such a good dad in my opinion.There are lots of triels and tribulations of being a step parent but at the end of the day it's two nights not the end of the world things could be worse couldn't they

Xxx

 

[lynn amber]

I feel your pain ,iv been with my partner 10 years and he has a girl who is 12 nearly 13 now ,she is no problem a good kid but her mother is an utter horror ,plans are never made in advance and are always changed last minute ,this is our 11 xmas together and we have never had is daughter on xmas day and he won't ask for her not to rock the boat ,but we have had her about 9 New years wonder why that would be :O,the ex has done and said some truly malicious and nasty thinks to us ,which she doesn't realize is not good for her daughters relationship with her dad ,she is a tax accountant so should be quit clever ,her common sense is zero and is so ignorant ,anyway rant over :-D

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[Fionalex]

I feel your pain ,iv been with my partner 10 years and he has a girl who is 12 nearly 13 now ,she is no problem a good kid but her mother is an utter horror ,plans are never made in advance and are always changed last minute ,this is our 11 xmas together and we have never had is daughter on xmas day and he won't ask for her not to rock the boat ,but we have had her about 9 New years wonder why that would be :O,the ex has done and said some truly malicious and nasty thinks to us ,which she doesn't realize is not good for her daughters relationship with her dad ,she is a tax accountant so should be quit clever ,her common sense is zero and is so ignorant ,anyway rant over :-D

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Last night she wouldnt even speak to me, nothing, no hello, just said I was the other woman, so why she she talk to me. I have no issues with her, they split up way before we met.
I know it must be hard, but fed up of it all being taken out on me :-(

 

[lynn amber]

Last night she wouldnt even speak to me, nothing, no hello, just said I was the other woman, so why she she talk to me. I have no issues with her, they split up way before we met.
I know it must be hard, but fed up of it all being taken out on me :-(

Yip I get exactly where you are coming from its so infuriating ,there are so many things this woman has done ,says one thing as does the other ,her prioritys are up her ass lol :-D

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[Fionalex]

Yip I get exactly where you are coming from its so infuriating ,there are so many things this woman has done ,says one thing as does the other ,her prioritys are up her ass lol :-D

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Glad its not just me, feel like their break up is all my fault when it isnt.

 

[xxsarahj25xx]

Not a step parent, but as someone who has grown up with step parents and as a parent myself I have very strong opinions in this.

My kids will always be my no1 prority, my partner (dad to my youngest) will always come second best to them! I have no shame in saying this to his face, he knows its how it should be. If he had ever told me he was annoyed at putting my eldest first I would have shown him the door. My honest opinion= you want a good man who will put you first? Find a man without kids!

Also, even if the reasons he is letting you down are "not so important" like taking his son somewhere, why shouldnt he jump at extra time with him? As someone who shares custody with my eldests dad, I know I do! If it means sacking off a night out im more than happy as half the week is never enough, I feel like I have an arm missing without him! Think about how yourpartner must feel! My boy has an equal relationship with me and his dad so aslong as hes happy, im happy!

Lastly, do you really want to be THAT woman? My mum re-married when I was 14, I lived with my dad and saw her weekends. She would often choose to see him insted of me, I resented the hell out of my step dad! And her but thats another kettle of fish. My point being how do you think his son would feel if his dad said well actually no id rather see my GF?

Sorry if that sounds harsh and not the sympathetic type of reply you had hoped for, but you will always be second best to his son, if you cant accept that without resentment, you really need to move on!

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[lydia c]

I understand you are not angry for him spending time with his son it sounds to me it's the ex ! I have a step mum and step dad and all I can say between my parents and step parents it was like growing up and a war zone ! They would always find ways to get at each other , have a chat with him and maybe try and get involved more so then the ex will know you are here to stay , I'd be gutted too all dressed up and nowhere to go , if i were you get yourself looking gorgeous for when he gets home XX. too

 

[lydia c]

Ignore the too on the end of last post silly phone , also I hope the boys ok Xxx

 

[Fionalex]

I have no issues with him spending time with his kids, and I try and push him to do this as much as possible, this is not the issue at all. He has them every other weekend and sees them every other night. I am very much involved as well, but only to the point that everyone is happy.

My only issue is when we have something planned, and something comes up with the kids that isnt urgent or life threatening. Like for example his ex ringing needing a lift to town so the kids can go out. Tonight was unfortunate and I would never take him away from being with them when ill, it was just me being emotional because of everything else.

I don’t want to find someone else, we just need to talk about him making sure everyone is treated evenly.

Thank you for all your comments, I just needed someone to talk to and be upset with
We have spoken and he agrees that he should have let me know what was going on and he promises to spend more time with me.
x

 

[Melk]

You need a back up plan for when things happen like this. Ring girlfriends and go out, don't change your plans to go out if no girlfriend available go out by yourself. If you don't you will resent the situation and in the end it will effect the relationship. He will see you as independent not clingy this way too. Yes his children are his priority, no reason for you to sit home alone though.

 

[persianista]

Been there. I am a "second wife", although we are not married, we have been together 20 years.
I had the jealousy over his kids, the hatred of his ex wife, who is usually referred to as "ratface". I came second in many things.
People in the broken marriage seem to think that because the single person doesnt have kids/ broken marriage, that is "alright for them", and that they exist to make the married/parent life easier.

I dealt with them both by withdrawing my facilities from their use. My home was out of bounds, my spare bedrooms were not available for sleepovers, my car was not available for ferrying kids around. My money stayed in my purse.

They then realised my needs were AS IMPORTANT as theirs. Taking my goodwill for granted stopped.
My Hubby was made to understand that he couldn't be the centre of my universe while not making me the centre of his.

He now considers me in every decision he makes.
20 years on, his kids are grown up. I am not their "stepmother", I am just "Dawn". I am friend, confidant, and strong ally (sp)
I go to all family events, and am considered family even by his ex-wife's family.
As soon as his kids were old enough to choose, they came to us xmas day. They are coming this year as usual. As usual I will do their favourite food.

So it does get better. Kids grow up, ex-wives go away, and I won the man.

 

[Fionalex]

Been there. I am a "second wife", although we are not married, we have been together 20 years.
I had the jealousy over his kids, the hatred of his ex wife, who is usually referred to as "ratface". I came second in many things.
People in the broken marriage seem to think that because the single person doesnt have kids/ broken marriage, that is "alright for them", and that they exist to make the married/parent life easier.

I dealt with them both by withdrawing my facilities from their use. My home was out of bounds, my spare bedrooms were not available for sleepovers, my car was not available for ferrying kids around. My money stayed in my purse.

They then realised my needs were AS IMPORTANT as theirs. Taking my goodwill for granted stopped.
My Hubby was made to understand that he couldn't be the centre of my universe while not making me the centre of his.

He now considers me in every decision he makes.
20 years on, his kids are grown up. I am not their "stepmother", I am just "Dawn". I am friend, confidant, and strong ally (sp)
I go to all family events, and am considered family even by his ex-wife's family.
As soon as his kids were old enough to choose, they came to us xmas day. They are coming this year as usual. As usual I will do their favourite food.

So it does get better. Kids grow up, ex-wives go away, and I won the man.

THANK YOU! xx

 

[Fionalex]

Ignore the too on the end of last post silly phone , also I hope the boys ok Xxx

Thank you. He's doing alot better x