Cheating Partner - what would you do ?

[River]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice and support that has been shown by you all.

I think it's only really just sunk in what he's done and where that has left me. I think my mind has been made up that I need to leave, but I still don't know whether I should confront him or not.

Thanks again for all your support, it's much appreciated.


River

 

[louge]

Im so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel as my ex did this to me and my daughter. The first time he cheated we split up ehen I confronted him about a text on his phone from a girl. After splitting he realised the grass wasnt greener and begged me to get back with him. Eventually we did. Things were good for a while, then all the old warning signs started appearing. This time we split for good. I was devistated and was left with nothing. That was exactly a year ago now and yes its still hard, especially having to see him most days at work with the girl he cheated on me with (even though they both say nothing happened til after we split).
Even though Ive had to completely rebuild my life and start over, Ive come a long way, despite still having my bad days. The point Im making is are you happy to go along staying with someone who is unfaithful, worry about what they are up to every time they leave the house, who is texting and phoning them. My guess would be no and youd be making yourself ill. You deserve better. It will be hard but you wont have to keep putting yourself though the torment every day. And you know he'll never change as with my ex, I know he'll cheat on her when he starts to get bored or a better offer and quite honestly Im glad I found out sooner rather than later.

Hope everything works out for you xx

 

[louge]

Definately confront him and be strong enough not to let him turn it round to make you feel like your to blame...men are very good at that. And dont let him see that your hurting. And if hes leaving you with nothing remember a woman scorned is a bad thing...clensing your soul of all his belongings is very theraputic if you get what I mean.

 

[Fingertips ND]

That is the worst feeling in the world.

Thinking you partner is cheating and wondering 'who's he with, where's he been, who's that on the phone, is he looking at her, etc'.

It drives you crazy!!

I felt like I was really losing the plot when I was with him. He made me feel like I was being a psycho and now I know it was because all the time he was trying to cover up for what he was doing.

 

[River]

Been there, done that and bought the T-Shirt (twice it would seem)

I know how it feels and it's killing me that I'm going through it again. He called earlier on to say that he will be going to Elgin (Scotland) to help a friend move this weekend and won't be coming with me to drop my sister off at the airport.

I'm sorry, but I can't help wondering why he would be going back to Scotland again this weekend ........

 

[Fingertips ND]

OMG - This sounds really dodgy and after being away at the festival I cannot believe he is disappearing again!

I'll pick you up and we will follow him! LOL

It seems to me that he is making excuses up!

 

[joolz]

gud luck to you whatever you decide to do i stayed with a bullying abusive pig for 10 years and walked away with nothin (cept a binbag) i look back now and think although it was so hard at the time that was defo my best move only you can decide though
best of luck just a thought though i believe that prawns in the airin cupboard are the biz
xxxxxxxxxxx
joolz

 

[colorflair]

Bless you hun,

Well you know what you need to do - but he doesn't have to know just yet does he??? Do your research, and like already suggested get on the phone find out where you stand and what you can afford then when you are all sorted leave - don't give him the oppurtunity to mess with your head - you are worth so much more than him and you only have one life - be happy hun!!
Please don't feel alone as said this is your family too and we are here for you anytime.

Be strong and chat to us as much as you need anytime xxx

 

[River]

Well, he really does have a friend who lives in Elgin and is busy moving. His friend also called last night asking if he would be able to help him move. He could have very easily said no, as my sister is going back to South Africa (she was on a little holiday), but instead he said that he would help.

I checked on the route planner and Edinburgh is 2.50hrs drive from Elgin. But another thought struck me, I've only got the mobile number of this woman, but she could very well have been at the Festival and lives in a completely different place, like Birmingham perhaps.

But yes, lately he's been going away quite a lot on his own, and always when he knows I can't possibly turn around and say "I'll come with you". We had flights booked to Frankfurt for a week to go visit my German family and at the very last minute (as in 8 hours before the flight), he turned around and said he wasn't coming anymore. He then buggered off to Manchester, Glasgow and Elgin to go visit various of his friends (or so he tells me). He knew there was nothing I could do !

 

[karrie]

he there,

first of all i just want to say that things will get better, if you get up stand up and fight for yourself, then you will look back on this situation in a few months and think....god all those years of his mental torture and now i am free, the advice to go to CAB is second to none, they can really help you. even if they give your another number to contact,,there will be away out for you i am sure of it. my only advice to you is, to be brave, think of yourself first, and fight all the way, I know that this sounds bad, but can you take money from him in anyway, from his bank, or something.

I hope things work out for you, be strong my sweet, things will get better

karrie

 

[River]

I could Karrie, we have a joint bank account for all the household bills, mortgage etc, but that would be theft and I could get into serious trouble, so I don't think I'll do that.

 

[Trinity]

Technically if it's a joint bank account you can clear it out as you have as much legal right to it as he does (that's why it's joint) but if you're not comfortable doing it, then don't. Personally I would take the cheating bastard for every penny he had and then some :lol:

I've been trawling for rental stuff for you...... this site has some fab places on, you can read about the people who are adverting their space, the type of room available and what type of person they are looking for. Rooms seem to be going from all sorts of prices from £60 a week (approx £300 a month) which you should be able to cover with your salary.

http://www.flatmateclick.co.uk/?rid=gog43

There is no harm in looking and just getting yourself armed with the information you need. Just because you are looking doesn't mean you have to leave immediately, it just means you have options and are fully informed.

Back with the debt stuff in a mo

T
xx

 

[FrancescaP]

You may not be as financially stuffed as you think...
Lawyer Hat On...
Are you married? How do you own the house (in joint names or what)? If you want to PM me I'll have a think about your situation from a legal point of view.

Fran
xxx

 

[Trinity]

This seems to be the best place for debt info, it's a registered charity so no long term loan sales pitch, etc. It's simple, clear and helpful advice, funnily enough set up in conjunction with Birmingham Settlement and the Money Advice Trust.

http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/agency_information.php

They have sample letters to send to creditors, and offer a phone line for free advice too.

Good Luck babe - remember, knowledge is power, even if you choose to say nothing to him, or do nothing for a couple of weeks, you will be better informed and clearer headed when you're ready, by just taking a couple of hours surfing and a few phone calls now.

Keep in touch

Trin
xx

 

[Buggy]

I don't think you're as stuffed as you think you are. My sister thought this as her fella cheated (about 5 times now! once a cheater always a cheater, she lives with him, not married and he dumped loads of his debt on the mortgage). so she got some financial advice and hey presto he's agreed to sign the house over.

Not sure of your situation but you MUST seek legal/financial advice and get your ass out of there. None of us can advise you on your finances as we don't have the details so GET SOME PROPER ADVICE. Or stay and play him at his own game, refuse him s*x and all that, but you'll only end up feeling more hurt.

The least you can do is get proper advice so that you have all the ammunition you need and then you can decide from there. How can you expect to make a decision until you know all the facts? Exactly, you can't, so get the advice and facts you need before you decide what to do. Don't let this man take you for a ride just because he thinks he can get away with it.

Last resort, come and stay with me gal, i'm a brummie too and my mom takes in all kinds of waifs and strays.

 

[Buggy]

PS. GET YOUR NAME OFF THE JOINT BANK ACCOUNTS ASAP BEFORE HE KNOWS YOU KNOW HE CHEATED. if you don't he could take money out even after you leave and get you in more debt than you already are in. (and yes, make sure you clean the account out before you take your name off. Stop worrying about theft, its money he owes you for all the stress he's put you through). But seriously, a mate of mine had a joint account, her boyfriend moved, kept using the account and she was liable because they didn't know where he was! so be careful and get your name off.

Girls, stop putting your name on joint accounts with your man unless you are marrying them! I've worked in matrimonial and it causes all sorts of problems.

 

[FrancescaP]

Taking your name off a joint bank account may prejudice your claim to property that is rightfully yours...be careful and don't act in haste. Sometimes a joint bank account acts as evidence that you are entitled to half the house etc.

The legal stuff is quite complex and depends on a number of variables, including children so please either speak to a solicitor of your own or PM me. I taught law in Aberystwyth University for two years and I think that you need to be careful.

Basically the man needs dumping, even if it doesn't remain a permanent dumping, but you need to safeguard yourself and those that matter just in case it turns any uglier.

I hate cheating men!!!!

Fran
xxx

 

[SammiG]

Hi River!!! My ex completely gave me the emotional abuse too. i was with him for five years and I didn't leave even though I knew I should have done. I suspected he had cheated but denyed it to myself. Luckily he left me last year.....but not before leaving me with unpaid gas bills / council tax / water etc etc....which he always sorted out and said he had paid even though they were in both of our names.He earned a hell of a lot more money than me but was so tight with it...he took everything...even took the knives and forks lol!! I guess what I am saying is I was left with nothing. only a few pictures and candles (and my nail kits!) etc (MY things). I have never been better. I wasn't looking for it but have met the most wonderful man and have never been happier. I look back at the time I was with him and can't believe i didn't leave him! You can do it too. You've got all my support honey!! I know it's hard but once you have made the jump, I bet you will never look back.

Good luck,
Sam XXXXX

 

[clairelee69]

i think that once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat so i couldnt stay with him

 

[Bagpuss]

Hiya... Been reading this all and have to say how sorry i am for you...must be a terrible thing to go through.

YES..you should get rid...he has no respect for you and you have no trust for him...(not surprisingly) the 2 main parts of any relationship have been broken...trust and respect.

I have always said i would rather be stone broke in a crappy little flat but happy then in a big house with financial security and unhappy.

Personally i would ring citizens advise ASAP...we have had some problems financially and they have helped us loads....there is so much you can do..its not as hopeless as you may think or feel it is.

I would tell him that you know what he has been upto...i would really try NOT to cry..be strong...stay calm...as much as you may feel like dismembering his head from his body..he really isn't worth it...He will be expecting you to cry, scream and shout...so Don't !!! rise above and just tell him that you no longer choose to share your life with someone who has the morals of a sewer rat...and leave the room.

I wish i could wave a magic wand and make all this better for you....but it will get better...i promise. Sometimes we have to go through s**t to come out the other side a stronger person...it will hurt and wont be nice...but you will come through the other side..stronger..tougher..and happier than ever.

Thinking of you xxx