Cheating Partner - what would you do ?

[River]

Hi Everyone,

I know this has been discussed a while ago, but what would you do if you found out your partner whas cheating and confronting him would mean losing everything you had and walking out with the clothes on your back with very little money to go anywhere else ?

Apologies, I know this isn't about nails, but need to get some advice .......


River

 

[Trinity]

There is no right or wrong thing to do here - it's down to individuals :hug:

Lots of marriages/relationships have survived infidelity - it doesn't mean you have to split up if it's not really what you want. However, clear action does need to be taken so the hurt on all sides is dealt with and put away. Leaving it to fester is usually what causes the breakdown later.

I've been the cheater and the cheated and nether is a particularly nice place to be.

We're here to listen if you just want to vent and rage :hug:

Trin
xx

 

[River]

Thanks Trin, but this has been going on for a while. I've confronted him once before, but that obvioulsly did no good as he's just gone and done it again.

He came home last night from being at the Edinburgh Festival for 5 days and his mobile was full of messages from 2 women (with no detail spared I might add)!

By staying I'm sending a very clear message to him that says "It's OK, you can cheat and do whatever you like, but I won't leave you because I can't (financially)" and thereby giving him carte blance so that he can do what he wants because it won't make any difference.

I really don't know what to do....

 

[jackiee]

A difficult one but you are right when you say if you stay he will do it again, you deserve better than this, obviously you forgave him the first time but he hasnt learnt anything from that and the question you have to ask yourself is are you prepared to face a future with him with doubt constantly at the back of your mind? Can you not leave for a week or so, maybe stay with a friend, and look into your finances etc and maybe being on your own will beable to make a clearer decission.

Ultimately you have to decide, but think long and hard and if you stay lay down the "rules" and be prepared to see them through if it happens again.
Hope it works out

 

[whitmore]

Hi

As an insider looking in....... does hew know that you are tied to him for financial reasons? If he does then he knows that your not going to go and he can do what ever he likes. Sorry to be harsh but in my books that's mental cruelty. No women deserves to be treated that way, we all NEED a man in different ways, be it for financial reasons or just security or even for a bit of luvin!
If you want to work at it then maybe put the frightners up him, move out for a few weeks and see how he likes that! You are a talented person, money wont allways be a problem. Is it worth putting yourself through what you are going through? You deserve better!
Hope you make the right decision, we are all here if you need to get anything off your chest.

LOL

Emxx

 

[Fingertips ND]

OMG hun!

I am sorry to hear about this!

Cheating is cheating and it is morally wrong and hurts like hell.

My ex cheated and got his ex pregnant. I stuck around for a few months until I woke up and thought 'Vicki you are a bloody idiot to sit around and take this s***'. I knew I could do a lot better and eventually end up with someone that wouldn't do something like this to me.

You seem a lovely person and you deserve better.

If you haven't got children then it would be better to leave now.

 

[Katelisa]

Whats happened to the independant women. You dont NEED a man, none of us do. You need to decide whats right for you emotionally not finacially. money issues are easier to deal with then emotional ones.

:hug:

xxxxx

 

[River]

Yes, my partner is very much aware of the fact that financially I'm stuffed without him and he does use it to his advantage. This is due to a series of unfortunate events.

I used to be fiercely independant, and I agree with Katelisa, in todays day in age, we shouldn't have to be dependant on our partners, but it's not always possible.

When I found out the first time that he was cheating, I did leave for a month and stayed with a friend of mine who has now unfortunately moved. He didn't know where I was and promised me everything if I came back. Things went OK for a while, but that didn't last long. You see, if you lay down the law, you need to be prepared to back it up, and because I'm financially dependant on him, I can't make any threats because I know I won't be able to follow them through. Also, if it didn't make any difference the first time, why would it make any difference now ?

I have never trusted him since the last time this happened and I suppose I've just been waiting for it to happen again. I need to leave him, but I honestly have nowhere to go. Even with my full time job and my part time mobile business, I only have £250 spare a month. Even if I rented a room somewhere, it wouldn't be very nice and it would probably only cover the room and no bills, food etc.

I only have two really close friends and one is having the same problem as me at the moment and the other one lives in a 1 bedroom apartment !

 

[Fingertips ND]

River empty your inbox!

 

[scattyfox]

why dont you both get together then or even all three of you and walk away from him. It is hard financially on your own but take one step at a time, you may find you are entitled to some benefits as well. Don't stay with him just cos of finances its going to make you feel even more resentful towards him than you do now. Go to the Citizens advice Bureau and see where you stand with money, leave him and find your self esteem and confidence girl sounds like he has pulled it out of you for the moment

Whatever you do do it for you not for him
x

 

[Rach]

Have you any family nearby you can stay with?

 

[Urban Geek]

You know this guy is a looser and I think you are only with him still because you don't think you will be able to cope financially on your own. If that is the case, bide your time and be patient. You no longer want him so he can't really upset you anymore than he has. Don't even waste your breathe on him. You have already given him a chance which he has blown. Leave him in your own good time - when you are ready. Think things through, plan ahead and, when you are ready, give him the biggest rude awakening he has ever had and kiss him goodbye. Perhaps get together with your other 2 friends and rent somewhere with them. In any event, stay strong and look forward to moving on to better things. :hug:

 

[River]

Done Vicky.


This is the sad bit. I moved over from South Africa 7 years ago to be with him.

I gave up everything, my family, my country, my friends etc, just so that I could be with him. The only family I have here is me.

I earn quite a good salary and I don't think I'd be entitled to benefits on the money I earn, even though 90% of it goes straight towards paying my debt !

 

[Urban Geek]

You have the Geek family here for you always.:hug:

Go to citizens advice and find out if you would be due to any financial assistance.

 

[Fingertips ND]

I too was/am like you river!

I have a debt of £20,000 on a £750 a month wage.

I really struggle every month but I have worked out a money plan that lets me live within my means.

 

[Rainbow girl]

I am very sorry to hear your news, my heart goes out to you. Whatever decision you make, its never a easy one!

Talking from experience, someone once said to me "By accepting this cycle of sin, you have effectively given him permission to cheat on you"

That was enough for me to realise i would never be ANYONE'S 2nd best.

GOOD LUCK AND TAKE CARE Xxx

 

[River]

Thanks guys !

I'm sorry that I came on here moaning, but I just needed to hear some suggestions.

I am scared, you guys are quite right. For 7 years I sacrificed everything for this man, just to be kicked repeatedly by him. He has really broken down my self confidence over the years and has mentally abused me to the state that I don't believe in myself and think that I'm worth nothing and that nobody would ever be interested in me.

I will go speak to the CAB and see if they can help in any way, but I'm scared stiff of going out into the big wide world and getting myself into deeper financial trouble just to get away from him.

I know if I had two brain cells I would stay until I've perhaps saved some money to go somewhere else, but I fear I might do do something that I would regret if I do. He has really hurt me and he thinks I'm stupid and would never find out. Once I've told him that I know, I need to be able to leave and I don't know if I would be able to live with him knowing this and not saying anything.

 

[Fingertips ND]

Thanks guys !

I'm sorry that I came on here moaning, but I just needed to hear some suggestions.

I am scared, you guys are quite right. For 7 years I sacrificed everything for this man, just to be kicked repeatedly by him. He has really broken down my self confidence over the years and has mentally abused me to the state that I don't believe in myself and think that I'm worth nothing and that nobody would ever be interested in me.

My ex did this too and I believe that mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. My ex really did wreck my head to the point that I thought I was losing it.

I will go speak to the CAB and see if they can help in any way, but I'm scared stiff of going out into the big wide world and getting myself into deeper financial trouble just to get away from him.

I know if I had two brain cells I would stay until I've perhaps saved some money to go somewhere else, but I fear I might do do something that I would regret if I do. He has really hurt me and he thinks I'm stupid and would never find out. Once I've told him that I know, I need to be able to leave and I don't know if I would be able to live with him knowing this and not saying anything.

I agree with you on this one hun! I couldn't do it. When I know something about someone or somebody has done something to me I hold a grudge forever and never forget it.

 

[Trinity]

Well he's had his chances, time to take some action babe. I know it's scary but I guarantee something will come along, it always does.

Lets brainstorm and see what we can come up with to help you out.......

Is there a noticeboard at work you could post a 'room wanted sign'?

Anyone at work you know who is struggling with their mortgage and might want to rent a room out?

Debts are always there and there are ways and methods for getting them under control but still having enough money to live on in the meantime. Time to get on the phone - call whoever you owe the money too and enquire about other arrangements. Can they reduce your payment, most companies would rather have the money a little at a time, than lose their money completely. There are lots of websites with debt advice, I'll see if I can find some for you and post them later.

There are quite a few room to rent websites too - I'll find those too and post them, I was looking at one the other day out of interest, I'll find the link.

You have a whole raft of friends on here who are here night and day (there's always someone getting their Geek fix 24.7!!) we're here for you to talk too. I'm sure your PM box is full of messages of support already.

When you've left and are back on your feet, you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it years ago - you will be OK :hug:

Trin
xx

 

[Tilly Ann]

Hi hun!

I can't really give oyu any advice as I'm not very good with this sort of thing as you already know!

Thinking of you hun!! :hug: :hug: