Coping with step children?

[july]

Hi, guys!

I need an opinion from anybody who;s been in my situation, pleeease!

I've been seeing this guy for about 8 mths now, I've completely fell for him and he is crazy about me. This sounds wonderfull, doesn't it? We've decided to move in together, but...why is it always a "but"?? Anyway, he's been married before and has 2 young children. when we move in together he wants us to have the children for a couple of days per week. This is where my problem comes. i haven't met the children, but I am very teritorial and jealous, I am worried of how I'll be with them and if I'll be able to cope with them, I don;t see them as his children, but his ex's kidds. i told him how I feel, I wanted to break up with him because of it, but he cried and said he can't believe it we ruining the chances of our lives because of this, he's flexible in working around them, he's even said we'l only have them one day per week and he'll go to his mum with the kidds another evening to spend time.

It sounds selfish, but why wouldn't I be? If I don;t look after myself, who else will?

I really appreicate your thoughts on this. How did/do you cope if you are in a similar situation? Is it really that difficult?

Thanks



July

 

[caz3]

Oh dear I wonder why you do not feel as if they are his children! but feel they are his x's kids!

I have not bought up anyone elses kids but my hubby now has bought up my x's kids. I have 5 children 2 of them are from my first marraige and he has bought them up living with us not just a visit each week for 15 years.

I would have said if you loved this man you would want to make an effort to help him to have visits from his kids as he must love and miss then like mad.

You have no need to be jealous of his kids they have done nothing to you!

Ok these things are never easy you will hear of good and bad situations when it comes to this subject, but you must remember your situation will be unique to you and your partner.

Why not meet the kids at a play park for the first time a place for kids so they can play and have fun while also meeting you then go from there you can only try and I am sure you might even be happy with the results.

Caz xxx

 

[Cameo Val]

You probably think I am being a bit harsh here, but I think that YOU need to work at overcoming these feelings. I think its wrong of you to want him all to yourself. If he agreed to what you want, which is to have him and he have no contact with his kids, then what kind of a man would he be if he agreed to this. To my mind, if a man still wants to have contact with his kids then that shows what a decent bloke he is. I feel very sorry for him as he is in an impossible situation here. If he wants to keep you then he has to give up his kids. If he cant abandon his kids, he looses you. The poor chat must be in pieces right now.

I dont understand how you say you are territorial. These kids dont care about territory, all they care about is being loved by their dad. It probably has never entered their heads that you dont want them around.

I hope for your sake you can work on your feelings. To me there is no compramising to be done. It is not a competition between who he loves the most. The way you love your kids is completely different from the way you love your parter, so there is no competition to be made.

I think that deep down the real reason for these feelings, is that you dont want him to have any contact with his ex, but you are shifting the blame for your feelings onto the kids. You need to see this guy for the wonderful man he is who is devoted to his children, but also has a new partner who he loves too. give him support, not ultimatums.

 

[Mrs.Clooney]

I've not been in your situation, however, try not to make a judgement until you have met the kids and it should perhaps be in a neutral place where you are not on their territory and they are not on yours. What are their ages by the way, sorry if I missed that? If you and your boyfriend have a future together, then you need to bare in mind the possibility that there may come a time when his kids have to permanently live with you (in the unfortunate event of the loss of their mum for whatever reasons). Give yourself time though. They don't know you and vice versa and as with any relationship , you need to get to know eachother. Hope I am being helpful here.

 

[*JOANNE*]

i was 19 when i met rob and his 2 year old daughter, he had just split up from his wife and had his daughter every weekend,
he came with a daughter he came with an ex wife so i knew his situation from the start and you cannot be his "world" he has another world and if you want to be a part of both worlds which eventually will become one then i am afraid you have to keep your feelings to yourself,
o wouldnt want rob to think i feel his daughter is his ex's not a part of him, how upsetting is that too him,
when an ex wife and child are involved you have to realise they will be involved for ever, thats the way it is like it or not.
i let robs ex wife call the shots and i went along with it to support rob and not make him feel he was being pulled different ways....................in the long term a beautiful 16 year old step daughter who isnt screwed up and a great relationship with her mum and step dad.
big advice be their friend not their step mum, they allready have a mum, my step daughter is my friend we go shopping on a saturday and out for lunch we chat we gossip we bitch :hug:
stick by your man if thats what you want or walk away.......but my advice is if you love him be there for him it must be as hard for him as it is you :hug:

 

[Lily]

Well hereis my story


Met Lee aka Herman, got on really well and i knew he was divorced with two young girls, they were 5 and 2 at the time.....

Well from day one we have got on brilliantly and allways have.........they are now nearly 14 and nearly 11......i love them to bits and they do me.......they were our bridesmaids too and they looked beautifull

His ex can be a bit difficuly but we handle that.........

just be yourself

i say to them that they have a mun, i am not a step mum just Amanda and it works for me

Amanda

 

[Jaffacake]

well..... I have been married for 2 years, my husband has twin girls from his 1st marriage that he sees regularly but I have never been allowed to meet them (their mums choice) as it was because of me that the marriage broke up. I can understand fully her reasons and maybe I would do the same thing in a similar situation? They refused to speak to him for 9 months when we got married so he's been through hell too, but we knew all this when we got together.....

if I had my way they would come and stay with us rather than him always going there, we would go out for days together etc etc.....I dont imagine for one minute that this will ever happen but it used to get me down that I couldnt be involved in this part of his 'other life'

I have 2 children by my 1st marriage that he treats as his own, they call him dad and love him very much. Their father NEVER visits, buys presents and is not part of their life at all (his choice) and I think this is absolutely terrible!! I would never stop my hubby visiting his girls as I know he loves them and would be gutted if he never saw them..
It would be a nightmare if we did all get together I think so I dont fret about it anymore, I can imagine ' thats not your dad its ours' etc etc which isn't fair on my children either as they werent the ones to make these choices.
I think you should think seriously about this, how would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? would you give up your children for him??
Sorry its so long....lol

At the end of the day I knew he was married with 2 kids and am willing to take what goes with that, hopefully one day they will be able to look at things in a different light and maybe understand why some things happen, until then I will have to put up with being the wicked witch

 

[bimbogeri]

Personally I would shelve moving in together until you have sorted this issue with the children out. If you haven't even met them yet then it isn't really the time to be in a situation where you will be with them 24 hours a day at least one day a week.
Organise a neutral place where you can meet up with the children - join your boyfriend on his days out with them, get to know them and let them know you before you even consider going further with this.

This guy had a life before you and if you want to have any future together you have to accept this. How can you say you have fallen for him when you can't accept the whole of who he is? His children are a part of his life and you have to face the fact that whilst you may be on 'equal pegging' with them in his affections, you will never replace them, and to ask him not to see them, or not to bring them to what is your joint home is not fair.
To be honest if you truly loved him you would be making every effort to make this easy for him, not harder. You say you are trying to look after yourself - what is it you feel that you need looking after from???
Maybe deep down you feel that if his children tie him to his ex then he may go back to her, and this is what you are trying to stop happening, but by 'protecting' yourself you are hurting the man you are meant to love. You say you are territorial, but a human being isn't anyone's territory! To be brutally honest, if you want to see things that way then your boyfriend was actually his kid's 'territory' first.

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and this situation and see if you are prepared to make it work, not on your terms, but by compromising. Like I said, start slowly, get to know the children gradually. If you have to, even get some outside help to work through your issues with them.
If you don't feel that you can do this then, it may not be what you want to hear, but maybe you need to make a clean break of this now. You said when you tried to split up your guy cried and said no, but trust me, that pain will be nothing compared to if things carry on this way and he ends up losing contact with his kids because of you - then there will only be regrets and pain for him AND his kids, and ultimately they could all end up resenting you for it, and I'm sure that's not what you want to happen.

 

[Sal]

A difficult one for me to control my reactions to your post July.

My situation is as follows:

My parents divorced when I was about 6. My mum remarried and my stepfather became as much as a father to me as a real dad would be.

My dad remarried to a lady who I still refer to as "the witch". The witch got on just fine with my sister and brother - my sister lived with friends, my brother with my dad and the witch and me with my mum and stepdad.

From day one, when I was about 9, I got bad vibes from the witch. I used to go to dads every weekend and was never made to feel comfortable by her - I even had to ask to watch tv in my own dads house. She gave me filthy looks all the time, would never speak to me if we were on our own together and put me down at every opportunity.

Now maybe I could understand this treatment a little if I was a naughty child or difficult with her but as everyone has told me, I wasn't. I was soon asked to just go every fortnight and then one weekend she admitted she just didn't like me. She has 4 daughters of her own so it's not like she was jealous of me having my dads attention - 2 of her daughters lived with her and my dad!

I had to sit there that weekend and hear her say (exact words) "I'm not interested" when my dad tried to talk to her. Previously the subject had been brought up but my dad dismissed it saying she did like me - he admitted she didn't and it was a problem. My brother backed me up telling my dad that he noticed the way she treated me and so did various family friends.

As a result I only see my dad when he came up north (they live in the south), 3 - 4 times per year. I have never been to their house.

Everytime the situation is mentioned I am reduced to tears.

Even before it came to a head, me, my brother and sister weren't invited to our oldest step sisters wedding - how much of a snub is that??????

When it was my 21st birthday party things had settled down and me and my mum (who had behaved impeccably, not confronted my stepmother but was in bits as it spoilt my relationship with my dad - mum told me that I was "the apple of my dads eye" as I was the baby. I'm 10 and 12 years younger than my brother and sister) thought things may possibly change so we invited the witch along with my dad. As they arrived that night I kissed her on the cheek and said it was lovely to see her. All she did was a tittery laugh and didn't even say Happy Birthday to me. She made no effort all night - one of my friends boyfriends asked me afterwards "who was the lady who sat in the corner all night with the face like a slapped arse?".

Following that, I wasn't invited to her 60th party even though my brother and sister were. They didn't go cos they thought it was disgusting that shed invited them but not me. I wouldnt have gone anyway but that just renewed in my mind how she feels about me.

That was about 4 years ago. I'm pleased to say that me and my dad have got closer again and I was even able to talk to him about it last year - I told him how my counsellor confirmed that it was one of the reasons for my anxiety (which I suffer badly from) and my worry of how people perceive me and if they like me or not. Dad told me that it really hurts him.

So, 20 years later (I'm now 28) I am sitting here with a growing resentment and a strong desire to really have it out with her one day and tell her how she made me feel - still crying over it and feeling completely horrendous about it and hating her for it.

SHE RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD. :irked:

The sad thing is, I know that stepparents can actually be as good as real parents due to my stepfathers - my first one very sadly died of cancer 12 years ago but I'm very pleased to say that my mum remarried in March this year and I am very close to my new family on her side.

The moral of this tale - PLEASE PLEASE try to treat your partners children as you would want to be treated. Obviously I don't know how it feels to have to take on someone elses children but all I beg of you is that you try to treat these children well and don't leave them with a resentment of you and a bad relationship with their dad.

Sorry this is so long but this has affected my life so much and I hate hearing about others in the same situation. :cry:

Sally.

 

[Jaffacake]

Sally, thats awful :hug:
It makes me wonder how your dad let her get away with it for all those years?? and you are still suffering now and it's not your fault.....
I adore my husband, he is my soul mate and I cant imagine ever being without him..... BUT....... if he treated my children the way your step mum treated you I couldn't be with him... I think it would put me off him anyway if I felt that he didnt like my children! what basis is that for any relationship??

I take it they are still together? At least you and your dad can have a relationship now. Perhaps you should write her a letter explaining exactly how she made you feel and how she's affected you, It wont change anything but might help you heal if you get it off your chest.....x

 

[Billie]

I am a divorcee and have two kids and I now live with a new partner

We didnt get a place together for two years until the kids got to know him.

It me I was very cautious because I didnt want to live with someone for the slight chance of us breaking up as I felt it could be very damaging for the kids. If there was any chance of any animosity towards my kids then that would of been it - he would have gone.

I personally think you both should wait as 6 months isnt any time at all and the children are part of him as well and you all should get to know each other much better .

I know you will never really truly know each other until you do live together but he should like a good dad who wants to see his children. That to me sounds like a decent person.

Maybe you should be honest with yourself and think whether you maybe are too young to handle this kind of committment and responsiblility as we are talking about two childrens' dad who they love and want to see regularly.

I can only speak from experience as I have friends who grew up with step parents who couldnt stand them and it has haunted them all through their adult hood

I hope this helps

Billie xx

 

[Lellipop]

My opinion on this is if you don't wan't any ex's or step children involved in your life then go for a man without any.
But if you truly love this man then he comes has part of a package and you must accept this.
Just consider how you would feel in the situation if it was reversed......Say you had been married with 2 small kids and met a fellow who you adored, But he was jealous and not really wanting to accept your children, I am sure you would not be too happy.
If you has a woman feel that you can not be a fair and loving stepmother to these children, Then reguardless of your partners tears it will never work.
Jmo

 

[River]

Hi,

Like Sal, my parents split up when I was 5. My dad met someone else a two years later and the fun began.

We used to go see my dad every weekend (me and my sis), but when he met my "stepmum" things started to change.

The weekends became very strained, my stepmum constantly interrogated me and my sister for information on my mum, our financial status etc.

My stepmom also very clearly told us that she didn't like us and that my dad was now hers ! (These were her words)

Needless to say, we saw less and less of my dad because we didn't enjoy going to him anymore because of her and my dad was trying to keep her happy as well.

The one incident that sticks in my mind is, my dad was carrying me on his shoulder, running around and I was pretending to be a plane (I was only 8 at the time). The next thing I knew, she pulled me off his shoulders and I fell on the ground and she started having a go at my dad for spending time with me and not her.

This really made things difficult as I couldn't understand why she didn't like us, my mum was going crazy because of what she did (up until then she kept quite), my dad didn't know what to do and my stepmum was making all sorts of demands.

My relationship with my dad broke down and only saw him about once a year on my birthday or over the Christmas period. They had a child together and she was the be all and end all. My stepmum made a point of showing us all the wonderful things her daughter had. All the things we didn't have because financially my mum was struggeling keeping down 2 jobs just to put food on the table.

My sister still tried to keep the relationship going with my dad, but I pulled the plug.

I'm 28 now and my stepmum told me 3 years ago that she did what she did because she felt we were a threat to her. That my dad might go back to my mum or that he would love us more than he would love her.

I'm a grown woman and have moved on with my life a long time ago. My dad didn't even know that he had a granddaughter until she was almost 9 months old. I regret that I never got the chance to have a good / happy relationship with my dad, however, I also regret that my dad never stood up to her.


If you are not prepared to accept his children or be with someone who's got "baggage", then maybe this is not the relationship for you. Remember, by putting these demands on him, you might very well drive him away and lose the very thing that you are trying to hold onto.

Have a good hard think about this before you move in with him and commit yourself.


River

 

[Billie]

My opinion on this is if you don't wan't any ex's or step children involved in your life then go for a man without any.
But if you truly love this man then he comes has part of a package and you must accept this.
Just consider how you would feel in the situation if it was reversed......Say you had been married with 2 small kids and met a fellow who you adored, But he was jealous and not really wanting to accept your children, I am sure you would not be too happy.
If you has a woman feel that you can not be a fair and loving stepmother to these children, Then reguardless of your partners tears it will never work.
Jmo

I totally agree with this

totally - well put

Billie xx

 

[misty]

Hi,
I can understand how you feel, I have just got married and my husband has 2 children. His son is lovely, when he stays he is brilliant, i love his son as if he was my own. But his daughter is a different matter but i wont go into that, all i can say is meet them and see how it goes, just be yourself and i am sure they will fall in love with you

 

[Sal]

Sally, thats awful :hug:
It makes me wonder how your dad let her get away with it for all those years?? and you are still suffering now and it's not your fault.....
I adore my husband, he is my soul mate and I cant imagine ever being without him..... BUT....... if he treated my children the way your step mum treated you I couldn't be with him... I think it would put me off him anyway if I felt that he didnt like my children! what basis is that for any relationship??

I take it they are still together? At least you and your dad can have a relationship now. Perhaps you should write her a letter explaining exactly how she made you feel and how she's affected you, It wont change anything but might help you heal if you get it off your chest.....x

Thanks Sherry for the hugs.

As I've got older and begun to see what personalities my parents have, I've realised that my dad is a weak man. I do wish that he had stood up to her more but I don't think that she would have budged.

A letter to her - this has already been done and it made things worse for a bit.

One day I will confront her - not nastily but I want to ask her "why me? What is it about me that you don't like???".

I just want answers to the questions that I've always wondered about.

 

[Billie]

Its not you honey


its cos she was controlling in the only way she knew how and its sad and damaging

and its amazing how many children have suffered in the same way.



Billie xx

 

[aep155]

Hiya, I married my hubby who has 2 young girls and at the beginning like you felt very threatened and jealous of them, my new fab boyf and everytime i go to sit with him or give him a hug they get there first and i felt pushed out. But they are only kids and they love their dad - i put up with it even though i didnt like it simply because it was only a couple of days at a time and i did love him - i had him to myself for most of the week. They would go through my stuff, draw on the kitchen table, pull the plastic sealant from around the windows (was staying at my mums at the time so was even worse cos it didnt belong to us - he didnt want to discipline them cos they only saw him every other weekend) their mother isnt too hot on hygiene they come to us with nits and dirty socks and even worse they slept in my bed!! I hated it when we bought our own house 250 mile away and i had to 'waste' a bedroom for them when we hardly ever saw them but i just shut the door on it. I hated it all but kev came first so like i say i put up with it - get out the nit comb - bath on the first night they stayed - changed the bedding as soon as they left - kept their own clothes at our house etc. I have definitely got over the jealousy thing and treat them as perhaps my best friends children (which they are in a way) and i know it sounds awful but i wouldn't care either way whether we saw them regularly or not... by no means am i nasty or anything we have hugs and kisses and i paint their nails but then they have grown up a bit now and are not destroying things and they are little ladies and we have something in common. So although i'm wasn't fussed we worked through it i kept my gob shut supported my hubby and the 2 girls and now i'm ok with it all. So i know what it's like to feel that way but i also learnt how to deal with it and if you can keep your feelings to yourself for a short time while you adjust you will learn in time to deal with it even if you do think of it as a chore - but then so is the ironing and that has to be done too! You might enjoy it - christmas is great you get to play with barbies and everything lol

The worst thing was watching hundreds of pounds of OUR money go to the CSA every month for someone else's children - that still sets me off!!

He sounds very supportive by offering only to have them over for one day and is offering a compromise - don't miss out on a fab relationship for the sake of one day a week, honestly, you will deal with it but try not to offload on him - i don't know what it is like yet to have my own children but i know i will love them more than anything in the world so try and see it from his side too. You should be proud that your man is showing responsibility and love - which also means he will to you too. Give it a go

Best wishes xxx

 

[july]

Hiya, I married my hubby who has 2 young girls and at the beginning like you felt very threatened and jealous of them, my new fab boyf and everytime i go to sit with him or give him a hug they get there first and i felt pushed out.

Thank you so much for all your posts. Andrea, i think you related to me more being in my position, thank you for your thoughts. Some of you have been harsh on me, can't blame you, especially Sally. i'm not a horrible perosn, but no means I'll treat them badly, I saw their picture and they are so cute. But I am jealous of him spending time with them while I'll probably feel push out.
I have to take a step back and reconsider the whole situation. I need to make sure this is what I want, don't want to have fights with him because of them.
Many thanks

 

[Sal]

Hi July

Noone wanted you to think that we thought you were a horrible person and would treat the children badly - everyone who answered your post just wanted to make sure you had a viewpoint of the situation from all angles and offer advice. Yes, me in particular.

I apologise if you took offense at my post, I didn't want to offend, just offer a view as to how children can be affected by this. As it has badly affected me I'm afraid I can't find a tactful way of putting across my story :sad:

I hope you manage to solve the situation so everyone is the happiest they can be.