Coping with step children?

[Timidtulip]

My story seems so straight forward now...

I met my wonderful guy when we were both (unknowingly) at really miserable ends of our previous relationships. We got together several weeks after we had both split with our previous partners and have been inseparable ever since. His daughter was only about 18 months old at the time.

Eventually we moved in together and fortunately, despite his ex being really bitter and spiteful, he had shared access to his daughter. Two or three days every week, his daughter lived with us. We made countless consessions into our life for his ex for the sake of peace, including letting her visit our new home so she could see where the daughter would be sleeping (it felt like a social services check-up actually, just making sure we were equiped to cope with a child ! Never mind the fact that it was his daughter too, and he had actually been a parent for the last eighteen months!)

Well things have changed a bit since then, some for the better, some for worse. His ex has moved two hundred miles away, so seeing his daughter is a bit of a marathon now, and now his daughter is at school, and my bloke works shifts, so it's sometimes weeks between visits. But the upside is that we are all on really good speaking terms, even his ex and myself.

How have we done it ? By me not going anywhere close to "parenting" his daughter. I do not get involved in discipline, bathtime, bedtime, anything like that, and so have created a role that I am completely neutral, trusted adult who his daughter plays with, cooks with, chats with and comes to when she's been told off for something that she doesn't understand properly. It has always been drummed into her that she only has one Mummy and Daddy, and I'm neither of them ! And this stand-point has gone back to his ex through his daughter, she proudly tells her mother that I don't tell her off, it's always Daddy that does that. Which is why the ex now trusts me with her child. It feels good !

But it all comes at a price. I enjoy my life with my man, and feel somewhat "invaded" when a visit comes around. My life stops for his child, which I can't help feeling is a bit unfair - if I'm not allowed to "parent" the child, why should I have my life turned upside down ?

It's Friday afternoon, and I know when I get home tonight, The Monster and her Dad will be there waiting for me, and I will have no weekend. I guess I should say at this point that his daughter and I have always got on famously (most obviously because of her young age and my not disciplining her!) and I call her The Monster only affectionately.

It nearly kills my man not being able to see his daughter as much as before, and I would never tell him any of the things I am feeling about this because he doesn't need his heart broken any futher, he needs my support with everything.

But here's the real killer............they still haven't got divorced ! He hates confrontation so much he would rather just brush it under the carpet than deal with it, and his ex is happy because she's still got a part of him which I can't have until she lets me. How long am I supposed to live like this ?

 

[lisaloveliness]

Hi, guys!

I need an opinion from anybody who;s been in my situation, pleeease!

I've been seeing this guy for about 8 mths now, I've completely fell for him and he is crazy about me. This sounds wonderfull, doesn't it? We've decided to move in together, but...why is it always a "but"?? Anyway, he's been married before and has 2 young children. when we move in together he wants us to have the children for a couple of days per week. This is where my problem comes. i haven't met the children, but I am very teritorial and jealous, I am worried of how I'll be with them and if I'll be able to cope with them, I don;t see them as his children, but his ex's kidds. i told him how I feel, I wanted to break up with him because of it, but he cried and said he can't believe it we ruining the chances of our lives because of this, he's flexible in working around them, he's even said we'l only have them one day per week and he'll go to his mum with the kidds another evening to spend time.

It sounds selfish, but why wouldn't I be? If I don;t look after myself, who else will?

I really appreicate your thoughts on this. How did/do you cope if you are in a similar situation? Is it really that difficult?

Thanks



July

I think you need to meet the children before you can rule them out you might actually like them.
If you did ever make hom choose between you and the kids and he choose you he might hate you for it 1 day.
There is alot of men/women after break ups dont want to see there kids or have to battle it out in the courts to see them the fact he wants them twice a week is showing what a resposible bloke he is.

I have been a step mum for 11 years now it has its ups and downs but i wud never make my partner choose.

You could be in the same situation one day

 

[naughty nails]

Hi
I have been in two different relationships where the men have have children. It is a big responsiblity and hard, but it depends what you want?? I found my first relationship easy as he had two girls. They both really liked me and i liked them. We all went out for day trips and had great fun. However the problems I did occur were the ex wife as she hated the fact I got on well with them. My feelings were I loved the bloke and everything that came with him.
However my new relationship of which i have been in for 18mths is so different. He has a 6 year old son so when we do day trips I always feel left out and he is so into his son that he's blind to me, but hey that's his son who he loves and only gets to see a couple of times a week.
Again I love him and the baggage that he has.
You can only decide what you want but give them a chance.
It could be fun.
Hope it helps.
(P.s sorry it's long)

 

[Mrs.Clooney]

As a newbie has posted on here today , an welcome, may I just gently drop in that this is an old thread from last year, just in case this wasn't noticed.

 

[scattyfox]

Personally i think your being very selfish.

The chidlren didnt ask to be born but they are and they love both their mum and their dad (this doesnt mean they are getting back together) and you should be really pleased that he is the sort of dad who wants to see his children and spend time with them and because he loves you as well he wants you to share in the part he loves about them.

Im not saying its easy because its not but most people come with emotional baggage these days and that is part and parcel of the people we love so you should take that on as well.

As for the children being his ex's this is not the case at all they are both of their children and they are being adult in sharing the responsibility of that and showing those kids this is how grown ups behave not like spoilt children stamping their feet. they will then grow up to be balanced adults themselves.

Think about it if you were on your own with kids would you want a father who shared in his kids lives or one that didnt bother and broke their hearts all the time.

i know what i would pick.

 

[hooked on nails]

hi there

I say accept your man baggage and all or move on.. His kids did not ask to be put in this situation and they may even be hasty towards you, being this strange women stepping on their territory-DADDY! If you really want this to work with this man you need to make it work with his kids. Because in the long run if you give him grief about his kids the only one getting hurt here is him the man who loves you but also loves his kids. If you decide to give it a try just try to keep the arguing about the ex out of the childrens ear shot. Its not fair to them, like I said they did not choose this situation either.

 

[july]

I thought I'd give an update to this thread, many thans for all the people who pm'ed me. I've been with Jason now a year and a half, he propsed last month, we bought a house together, we're trying to have a baby at the moment...
His girls are now 5 and 8 year old. They are sooo lovely and cuddly, yesterday the older one asked me if they could call me mummy....Felt tears in my eyes...I have a lot of patience with them and try to do fun thiongs together when we have them -spoil them with lots of love and cuddles -they are looking forward to come to us. They now have their own room on the third floor.
Girls -thanks for your support!

Jules

 

[pinkshell_nails]

Try and put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine if it were you with the child, and you met a new partner who didnt want to share you with your child/children. At the end of the day they are only children, and to enable them to grow up to healthey well balanced adults, then it starts from day 1. If you truly love this man, then he comes as a package my dear, and you have to accept the fact. I understand it might feel hard for you but you really must try. Why dont you go out as a four some to lovely places like the zoo,the beach, etc, and enjoy yourself, with him and his children. You must try, and if you do and you still feel this way, then unfortunately i think you may have found the wrong man to fall in love with.... You cannot expect him not to see his children, to put you over them, parents and children have strong bonds, and if he wants to see them, and you try to stop him, then he will eventually resent you for it, or his children will pick up on this and feel very uncomfortable around you, and thats simply not fair.

 

[pinkshell_nails]

OOOOOOOPPSSSS!..
Shouldve read the update first hey! Well I am so so happy that you have come so far, and see the children for who they are, and not something to be jealous of. Being a step-parent is incredibly hard, so i am very happy that you feel good about the situation now. Good luck in the future. x

 

[CadenceAlex]

i can see how u are feeling from my own experience, and in the ideal world, people want men/women who are unnattached etc and can devote all the time in the world to their other half.... but in reality, most people have kids and are trying to make a happy situation out of a difficult one.

babies are born blank pages. we write on those pages.... and children are so young and impressionable it is down to us to love them and nurture them and make them feel protected. those children need their father. how u handle this situation can be so detrimental to them. think of your own childhood - how u were treated whether good or bad... if you love this man and want a future with him, u have to fully accept the children. children are great fun too!!! instead of making it a chore, welcome them with open arms and take them out places.. make them AND their dad happy... the hours you will have them will soon be over when you're having fun!

these kids have had it hard enough with their mum and dad splitting up... they don't need hostility from someone who their dad loves..

you are the adult, your life has been moulded already... whatever u do, do not let him move in and have those little ones around until u are sure u can treat them as welcome guests and not pests encroaching on your time with your partner. how u behave towards the children could badly affect them later on.

and isn't it great that your man is caring and responsible towards his children? would u really be happier if he had walked away without a backward glance?


good luck, i am sure everything will be fine for you. children aren't a threat, they just want to be loved, so love them and there'll be no problems.

xxx

 

[Gwendo]

Oh my goodness! You could be describing my life!

Don't listen to any of these negative threads. Have you noticed that the ones that say you have to deal with you own feelings, blah, blah, blah are from people who have their OWN children?

My botfriend has lovely kids but they're not mine and I don't want them in my life. Simple as that. It's not about accepting him as a man to accept his offspring. They're not him they belong to his ex and him. My guy has had the snip too and I' would love to have had children with him but it's not going to happen. I think we are in dangerous territory here and it could very easly go wrong for me too. THAT's what must be accepted. Why can't the guy HAVE to accept that we don't have children, can't have children, don't want choldren in our lives? No, they sympathy always comes down on their side..... and that makes me bitter.

As you can probably tell I am very bitter. He gets jealous regarding my exs but I can never be rid of his ex or the constant reminder that his offspring are that he has one and she won't ever go away.

It's not a good situation. I'm not sure if I can cope with it. But I wish you all the very best. Be strong and stay true to yourself. Stay an individual and be glad you don't have her waist line through childbirth. Lol!

Gwen xxx

 

[Gwendo]

Just read your update. Sorry about the spelling errors by the way on my last thread.

I hope this isn't too personal but I'd like to ask you a question. How do you cope with being intimate around the kids?

I spent the night with my guy last night for the first time with children in the next room. He has a girl 13 and a boy 14. It felt weird. I couldn't be vocal, I couldn't go to the loo in the night naked like I normally do. I feel my space has been totally invaded.

And he tucks the girl in at night. She's 13 for god's sake. Is that normal? I hate to watch him turn into a parent, it's a total turn off for me. My sexy loving man turns into a Dad. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come back baby! Lol!

Gwen xxx

 

[sam28]

Just read your update. Sorry about the spelling errors by the way on my last thread.

I hope this isn't too personal but I'd like to ask you a question. How do you cope with being intimate around the kids?

I spent the night with my guy last night for the first time with children in the next room. He has a girl 13 and a boy 14. It felt weird. I couldn't be vocal, I couldn't go to the loo in the night naked like I normally do. I feel my space has been totally invaded.

And he tucks the girl in at night. She's 13 for god's sake. Is that normal? I hate to watch him turn into a parent, it's a total turn off for me. My sexy loving man turns into a Dad. YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come back baby! Lol!

Gwen xxx

Really sorry about your situation, are you seriously expecting him to dump his kids for you and your wants ? I think he was probably a Dad before your sexy loving man, give the guy a break. Kids are fab, I have two step children and they are great, I love having them at our house and treat them like my own. I think perhaps because you dont have children together there maybe a bit of green eyed monster there ?? They're only children and the way you treat them can affect their personalities and their mental health for the rest of their lives. I lost my wonderful Dad at a young age and anyone who has a Dad out there should spend as much time with him as possible, you never get another one and I am 34 and to have my Dad tucking me into bed would be great but sadly thats not going to happen. I suggest if you cant accept and be nice to his kids, I would find someone who doesnt have them, because its not fair on him or his children, or perhaps be happy doing your own thing being single. You cant expect someone to choose between you and their children - its obsurd. Just my opinion, know its probably harsh but am totally gobsmacked that people can be so cold .

 

[sam28]

I thought I'd give an update to this thread, many thans for all the people who pm'ed me. I've been with Jason now a year and a half, he propsed last month, we bought a house together, we're trying to have a baby at the moment...
His girls are now 5 and 8 year old. They are sooo lovely and cuddly, yesterday the older one asked me if they could call me mummy....Felt tears in my eyes...I have a lot of patience with them and try to do fun thiongs together when we have them -spoil them with lots of love and cuddles -they are looking forward to come to us. They now have their own room on the third floor.
Girls -thanks for your support!

Jules

Am glad your situation is sorted Jules, kids are great, am sure you will agree now :hug:

 

[wowbb]

Its so fantastic to hear that it has worked out for you!!!

No one said it would be easy and for anyone who has experienced accepting someone elses kids knows how very difficult it can be at times and what a struggle it is for all involved, the kids, the dad and you - it s all a big messy situation and the only way forward is really to try and make things work!

You would do the same if it was your own - you cant run away or not like them - its not their fault or anyone elses and in most cases things work out over time. It is a big up and down of emotions, feelings, pain and everything involved and sometimes it takes longer to become "friends" or be fully accepted as one of the family but the result is worth all the hassle and pain when they fully accept you and you know you have got a friend and you can be the person they come to when they have a problem......doesnt that make your heart feel warm and all fuzzy?:hug:

 

[Beautyandme]

Hi, I think you should start meeting the kids before you move in together. If he has the kids for a night, why cant you stay over as well.

This will give you a little insight into how it will be when you move in together.

Remember these kids wont want a mum, they will be looking for a role model and someone who makes their dad happy.

You need to sit down and work out how you will also tell them "off" when they are naughty/that they cant have any sweets till they have eaten their dinner/bed time etc....

You and your partner will have to agree, that together you will share the up's and down's of bringing up these children when you have them. Otherwise it wont work, doesnt matter how much you love each other.

Hope it works out for you, just be sure before you move in together, that its really what you want, he comes as a "package". There may be times, that you cant go on holiday or a night out, as that is when he is having the children. It wont be easy, but if you work at it, and learn to enjoy seeing the kids, it might just work.

good luck

 

[ADiva1]

This thread started in 2005?! Who dug it out?

 

[becki x]

Gwendo,a new member who's first two post are on this thread hun. hth's

 

[jenny mosley]

Hiya,

This is when i get a little bit on the anti kids, having never had or wanted any for myself and thank god hubby is on the same way of thinking as me:hug:

the last thing i would do i get involved with other peoples children.


jenx

 

[sj1973]

Hiya,

This is when i get a little bit on the anti kids, having never had or wanted any for myself and thank god hubby is on the same way of thinking as me:hug:

the last thing i would do i get involved with other peoples children.


jenx

Really !!! I did and it has worked for me. Been with my hubby 4 and half years now, i have 2 children from a ex and hubby has son from his ex who may i add lives with us full time.

Say you were in a pub,and you met this wonderfull man,after meeting him a few times,you knew he was for you.....then he tells you he has children,would you really finish him cos of the children???....

Its very hard to be a family when there are my dad and your mum but were are not like that,billy (step-son) calls me mum (as his mum does not want him and is talking about not seeing him for good). My children call my hubby dad (their choice as their dad at the time was not seeing them...his choice). You have to ALL try to make ready made familys work,and we have.

The secret of having step children is ....you look at them as your kids...not his/her son.