Did I do the right thing?

[Miss Sparkle]

aarhgh I'm quite angry right now .. all because I think I did the right thing.

My sister is a teacher and (on paper at least, ha) very intelligent. She’s currently doing VSO work in Rwanda as a teacher trainer.

Me and my mum went to visit her in August and it was clear all was not well with her Rwandan boyfriend. Very manipulative and controlling and for a strong person she was completely compliant to everything he wanted. We found out he owes her a lot of money too but just gets drunk all the time.

Anyway as she’s there we only really talk on Facebook, we had a Facebook chat conversation on Sunday when she said he’d started being physically abusive! I was very concerned so sent her some pages from the Refuge website which has excellent advice in these situations. She was saying she was scared to leave him and was scared for her safety.

I later found out she’d been having unprotected sex with him because “condoms are a little boy thing”!! This girl has two degrees and a teaching qualification! So I called her “f**ing irresponsible”.

So anyway I spoke to my dad about it and we agreed that VSO in Rwanda should know the situation. So I called them today, they agreed it was serious and called the Rwandan office. They spoke to my sister and will meet her on Thursday.

But then she comes back to me all guns blazing saying our conversation was confidential, I had no right to go the VSO office, it was none of my business, it was “not on” to call her “f**ing irresponsible” and that calling the VSO office was “a really stupid idea”.

Anyway, I now feel like I’m being punished for doing the right thing! What do other people think? I'd be interested to know your thoughts ...

 

[Zo Zo]

Am horrified. More about the unprotected sex thing than anything tbh. But can see why she's unhappy with you, but hopefully you have helped her and in the long term she will see that.

 

[MsRebeccaJ]

I think you completely did the right thing. Your main concern is your sisters welfare. Just stop for a wee second and put yourself on her shoes think about it from her perspective. Right now she might not think what you have done is the right thing but She will realise sometime that you only did this because you love and care about her. I can't even imagine what you or her are going through. X

 

[Miss Sparkle]

Thanks guys the way I see it, I only did what I could do given the information available and the fact she's thousands of miles away.
And surely these situations thrive on silence?

 

[Pinkprincess73]

Oh dear god get her home!! My friend works in a women's refuge it's horrific what these women go through, it's all classic behaviour they see over & over, I know she will be angry with you because she is not removed from the situation yet but she will see it eventually, my cousin is going through something similar to this & we are trying to get her away from him, hope you & your sister are ok hun x

 

[iconic]

Try not to worry, your sister may feel angry towards you at the moment but I expect it is purely because she is scared that if her boyfriend finds out what you have done and that she is meeting up with the vso on Thursday then what his reaction will be. And he will probably act violently towards her for telling you in the first place. He sounds very controlling and quite frankly she sounds scared of him. Once she is out of this relationship (the sooner the better) then she will only have you to thank for it all.. You've done the right thing because she obviously can't get herself out of this relationship and I doubt very much that deep down, she really wants to be with him and can see herself being with him long term. Explain to her that you are just concerned for her and her safety and the only reason you feel this way is purely down to what she has told you. Ask her to put herself in your shoes.
Good luck xxx

 

[gr8nailz]

Even though it's your sister, whenever you get in the middle of a relationship, be it abusive or not, you're in a lose-lose situation. We're all painfully aware of the statistics when it comes to women in abusive relationships. They tend to stay with their abusers. Level of intelligence makes no difference.

I think the only thing I would have done differently would have been to ask her if she would have liked for me to call VSO for intervention on her behalf rather than take it upon yourself.

But you did what you did out of love and concern. Don't beat yourself up about it. Once she calms down, she'll realize your intentions were good. Hopefully she'll take the opportunity you've provided her and leave this a** before he seriously harms her.

Please keep us posted.

 

[Miss Sparkle]

Thank you very much guys, I'll let you know what happens.

 

[Yadagi]

You did the right thing , you obviously love her, and she is blinded to his faults slightly.
She will get over her anger with you , don't worry , I just hope he hasn't infected her with anything .

 

[happyfeet]

hi hun

i think you did the right thing. I know at the moment your sister is angry but that will pass. If you didn't act as you have and god forbid something did happen, you'd never forgive yourself. Your sis is probably scared, embarrassed, worried etc so hang on in there.

Chin up my lovely you're a caring sister that wants her sibling to be kept safe and sound nothing wrong with that.

Love n hugs x x x

 

[Mbzh]

I think you did the right thing - you are worried about her safety. She might be angry with you because she doesn't know what he is going to do when he finds out about this. I really hope she can come back home soon - keep us updated :hug:

 

[Bumblebee78]

You so did the right thing! Get your sister home!! I was in an abusive relationship, it's embarrassing to admit to others that you're in a relationship like that and it makes u feel like a failure inside. She will be grateful when she is out of that situation and looks back. Hope she's ok hun and u too of course. Xx

 

[Miss Sparkle]

Thanks v much for the support I'll let you know what happens.