Husband not appreciating me

[Aleighthae]

I have been with my husband nearly 2 and a half years now and we are in the arrangement at the moment were I do not work, I do some mobile beauty but do not have a full time job. However I cook clean and do his washing etc! He has a job which can support us both. All he does now though is just say what do you do all day just sit around and watch TV.
Does anyone know any ways which I can resolve this and make your relationship better???

 

[sallysally]

We are kind of ok now but it has taken many an argument to reach this.

I also do some mobile work but I have the money to treat myself.My husband is very generous and never questions what I spend but in the early days I kind of got the vibe that as he was the bread winner I had to be at his beck and call...

This was the usual....he would get home from work and over dinner would say'so what have you doing all day' I would then get angry and a row would erupt.

It's his choice I don't work full time and look after the home and him which suits me as I can be flexible with my mobile beauty then.

So what I done was I started making a list hour by hour of my movements through out the day from the minute he left the house....he soon realised that a lot of my day was taken up cleaning,ironing, food shopping,doing his Nan's shopping,cooking,vacuuming,striping beds,preparing his delicious home cooked meal EVERY evening!

Some people say do nothing in the house then he will realise just how much you do but I couldn't bare the mess all day!!

 

[sallysally]

Ps I still get the odd joke asking what was happening in Jeremy Kyle and I still react !!!

 

[Dnx]

Don't do anything for a couple of days, no cleaning, cooking, tidying nor washing. He'll soon realise what you do. Go stay with a friend for a week and he'll get it.

The likelihood is that he's aware you do all those things, but he doesn't think they're enough compared to him working.

 

[facelashbrow]

Theres probably more of a communication problem there? I have ti admit its hard not to judge and say but what are you doing all day? Im a stay at home mum at the moment and its an exhausting 13 hours until their bedtime lol. My husband does appreciate what i do and how long it takes to do with two little ones in tow but I also know it's taken a long time to value what I'm doing too and I hate not having money that I earned even though its a shared pot. But I pointed out the cost of childcare,if he paid me that 2 grand a month in wages then I'd be laughing!

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[corral]

I would tell him that he is right,you don't do anything all day,and what does he suggest you do,to do more ,(reverse psychology)

 

[Julie-Liz]

Do u ever do things together as a couple? Like date nights? Or if he ever has days off just hang out together etc? Maybe you need to reconnect that way.

I used to feel unappreciated being at home all day with the kids, despite working hard to find a job and get in as much mobile beauty as possible to keep my hand in until someone employs me. I still feel rather unfulfilled. After many a row, reaching breaking point (we've been together 12 years and married for 10) we started making time for each other. We go out every month and talk about things that don't involve work or the house. We share opinions on the world, gossip about celebs or the row the neighbours had or just silly things like road rage. We dream together, he wants to buy land and build his own house, I want to travel and see the world. They are not necessarily things we can do tomorrow but it's nice to just talk about who we are and what we like. It takes the pressure off and you get to appreciate each other for who you are. I think it's all about communication, you didn't mention if you had children or pets, we always try to make time to do things as a family too, he had a day off the other day so we took the kids and the dogs walking up the mountains. The housework didn't matter, what I do all day didn't matter because we were too busy enjoying the time together. He knows I believe life is for living not cleaning and worrying about bills and he has started to embrace that. Maybe try doing things as a team, get his butt off the sofa and do some things together x

 

[sallysally]

Theres probably more of a communication problem there? I have ti admit its hard not to judge and say but what are you doing all day? Im a stay at home mum at the moment and its an exhausting 13 hours until their bedtime lol. My husband does appreciate what i do and how long it takes to do with two little ones in tow but I also know it's taken a long time to value what I'm doing too and I hate not having money that I earned even though its a shared pot. But I pointed out the cost of childcare,if he paid me that 2 grand a month in wages then I'd be laughing!

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Just because children aren't in the equation doesn't mean she does nothing?? That's not a fair comment to be honest

 

[facelashbrow]

I didnt say/mean that at all. What I meant is its hard not to judge when it's not you doing it. I've been the bread winner whilst my unemployed husband has been out of work and not looking after the kids and I did find it hard to see him of equal value, rightly or wrongly.
The thought of now having to cook and clean as my "only" job feels like luxury because its so different from now but I know thats not the case when its you as you find more to do.
The point is she feels her husband doesnt appreciate her and they've obviously come to the agreement between them that she wouldn't work full time so in my opinion its working round the communication there, because it's a joint agreement.

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[Julie-Liz]

Personally if I didn't have children and my husband wanted me to stay home while he worked I would not be happy. I don't see how that benefits anyone. I don't mean this rudely but I find being home with the children a bit lonely due to the lack of adult interaction, I couldn't imagine doing it childless. Not surprised the OP feels unappreciated. I hope there are plenty of friends about to keep her sane.

 

[jacquelineanna]

My advice - get a job and get out into the world!

He may not want you to work for all the right reasons ... But it's also quite controlling.

And to then question you about what you are doing or not doing demonstrates this.

You need to assert yourself my lovely ... And that is all I am going to say.

Xx

 

[facelashbrow]

There's a lot of viewpoints and judgements that can be made but your post doesn't really give that much info about your situation for it to be helpful IMO- most importantly are YOU happy with this arrangement?

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[sallysally]

There's a lot of viewpoints and judgements that can be made but your post doesn't really give that much info about your situation for it to be helpful IMO- most importantly are YOU happy with this arrangement?

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Well said Hun,at the end of the day she shouldn't feel ashamed that she has the luxury of not having to go out to work,it certainly doesn't indicate she has no ambition or assertiveness??

Everyone is very differant aren't they with what they want out of life....some of us aspire to be business women,some of us mothers and home makers,some of us choose to juggle both...at the end of the day it is whatever makes you happy you should do.

Xxxx

 

[WaxGirl]

Well said Hun,at the end of the day she shouldn't feel ashamed that she has the luxury of not having to go out to work,it certainly doesn't indicate she has no ambition or assertiveness??

Everyone is very differant aren't they with what they want out of life....some of us aspire to be business women,some of us mothers and home makers,some of us choose to juggle both...at the end of the day it is whatever makes you happy you should do.

Xxxx

It's not about feeling ashamed... its about being an independent self sufficient woman

Get a job and don't give him grounds to question what you have been doing

Why in this day and age a woman would not want to look after herself financially is beyond me..

I love the feeling of earning and knowing I have the resources to look after myself whatever may come in life.

My heart goes out to the mummies who want to work but can't because financially it doesn't pay