Problems with my mother!

[persianista]

Truly toxic relationships go way beyond a bit of teenage rebellion. Pushing boundaries is normal behaviour for young adults.
My mother admits she hated me because my Dad loved me more than her, in her eyes, and I had attributes that she didn't.
She maintains to this day that having me wrecked her life. If she hadn't had kids (these are her words), she'd have been slim, rich, free, and happy.

The last time I spoke to her, I threw her out of my salon for saying that she wished my Allan would die, so I could suffer being a widow like her.
Evil woman.

 

[Pinkbunny28]

If she only wants to be there to get her hair done then treat her exactly like a client. Tell her she has to pay full price unless she starts being nicer to you as you no longer consider her as your mother, just a client. If that's the way she's going to behave then that's the way she should be treated

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[virtues2011]

Virtues, from what I recall your daughter is a teenager? I fell out with my Mum for giving me boundaries, went off got a council flat, didnt speak to her for 6 months. Totally rebelled in most possible ways. My mum never did anything, but want the best for me. We made up eventually but still had our strained moments. Till I grew up. From being 14-21 I was a nightmare!

I totally sided with My Dad as he was more lenient (they split up when I was 3) treated me as an adult, well it was not really a parent/child relationship.

My Mum always use to tell me, you are my child... I may not always like you, but Il always love you.

She will grow out of it us girls are too independent for our own good at times.

Xx

Yes she is 18 next month. . and yes I see your point. Thank you. Maybe it will be ok eventually.

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[virtues2011]

Truly toxic relationships go way beyond a bit of teenage rebellion. Pushing boundaries is normal behaviour for young adults.
My mother admits she hated me because my Dad loved me more than her, in her eyes, and I had attributes that she didn't.
She maintains to this day that having me wrecked her life. If she hadn't had kids (these are her words), she'd have been slim, rich, free, and happy.

The last time I spoke to her, I threw her out of my salon for saying that she wished my Allan would die, so I could suffer being a widow like her.
Evil woman.

Oh how awful. I've had my fair share of letters stating similar. Funnily enough even on my wedding day my mother looked at me and said 'Oh you look fat' ....

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[ch-ela]

I don't have children and never will, as I never want to turn out like her.

My mother made my life a living hell right up to the day I left home, not only did she verbally abuse me, she used to hit me too...

She also go my younger sister to join in and would stand there laughing.

I had to leave school at 16 and pay rent my sister didn't and went on to uni.

my sister and I now have strained relationship to the point we don't talk often at all.

Still think I should be nice to her?

It's awful and particularly hurtful when your own mother doesn't love and cherish you in the way you would expect them to. You are not alone with this, I think there are many more like us that have suffered this.
But it's not easy for others to understand when they have no experience of it and I used to find it awkward to have to "justify" to others why I didn't have a better relationship with my mother. Or father, tbh and I haven't spoken to my sister since the day she humiliated my husband and I on the day after our wedding.
At my mothers funeral, I remember thinking that I would have loved to have met the woman that they were all talking about. It wasn't how I knew her at all, and felt cheated.

I didn't deserve to be treated like this and neither do you. I think you are quite within your rights to expect her to treat you properly. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you like this would you?

I have cut most of my family out of my life and I feel better for it. My OH has had to teach me how to have relationships with his siblings and their children because I just don't really have a clue.

I think you need to decide what kind of relationship you would like with your mother and try to pursue this. If it works, good, but if not then you will know that you have done your best. A question I would ask myself was "what if she died tomorrow, would I regret my actions?" This helped me decide whether to cut the ties.

One more thing. I find it sad that some of you have decided to not have children of your own because of the relationships you had with your mothers.
I did have children, two, and I am a great mum. I gave them the childhood that they deserved. Full of respect and lots of fun. It is possible to break the cycle.

 

[Balance Andover]

Truly toxic relationships go way beyond a bit of teenage rebellion. Pushing boundaries is normal behaviour for young adults.
My mother admits she hated me because my Dad loved me more than her, in her eyes, and I had attributes that she didn't.
She maintains to this day that having me wrecked her life. If she hadn't had kids (these are her words), she'd have been slim, rich, free, and happy.

The last time I spoke to her, I threw her out of my salon for saying that she wished my Allan would die, so I could suffer being a widow like her.
Evil woman.

That's totally evil!!

My stepfather was insanely jealous of the relationship between me and my Mum, the fact we looked so alike. They also never went on to have any children themselves so I think I bore the brunt of his anger.

I didn't have children of my own (probably for the same reasons above)
and he's tried and failed to spilt my husband and I up!

My Mum is in a safer place away from him, and luckily I'm strong enough that he can't affect me anymore.

My stepfather is that abhorrent that he moved his mistress (my cousins wife) into my Mum's house on the day of her funeral.

 

[emmalou061987]

Been trying to avoid this thread but iv now opened it... Only read the first 4. Just wanted to say I feel for you... My mum is stupidly self involved.. Always has been but as a kid even after she disappeared and left me in the care system for 4 years before showing her face again, I thought she was amazing! Idolised her.. Her and my father have let me down too many times to mention but at least my Dad tries to make things right now.. My friends think I'm crazy for still being so nice and welcoming to them all (long story but they both basically disowned me for years over various times of my childhood to save there own relationships and one of my many many stepdads abused me and my mum took his side). But they are my parents, so I'm polite with them, mainly for my daughter but it really does take a lot of effort on my part! The only constants in my life were my grandparents... The closest people to me are my daughter and fella. My family don't get freebies or discounts off me! If they actually bother to support me at all then it's to pay for the treatments they receive! Don't care that they are relations! My mum has had her nails done here once and her hair she goes to her oldest friend. My step mom will never bother... My sister says she will but probably won't lol! Screw them! Just cos they gave birth to you doesn't mean they get to treat you however they feel! My daughter is number one and I will never ever give her up for a fella, not stick by her or chuck her out at 16 because I think I have the authority to! Il be her best friend, role model and love her unconditionally! One thing my parents have taught me is how not to act, my dad has admitted he is so proud of me for being such a normal responsible person after all I went through and I'm dam proud of myself too!


Emma-Louise @ALittleLuxury

 

[MamaG]

Truly toxic relationships go way beyond a bit of teenage rebellion. Pushing boundaries is normal behaviour for young adults.
My mother admits she hated me because my Dad loved me more than her, in her eyes, and I had attributes that she didn't.
She maintains to this day that having me wrecked her life. If she hadn't had kids (these are her words), she'd have been slim, rich, free, and happy.

The last time I spoke to her, I threw her out of my salon for saying that she wished my Allan would die, so I could suffer being a widow like her.
Evil woman.

Persianista, we are possibly related as this is just the kind of thing my 'Mother' would say!
Each of us that have cut contact are really quite lucky - there are others still struggling with the daily grind of dealing with it all.

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[virtues2011]

That's totally evil!!

My stepfather was insanely jealous of the relationship between me and my Mum, the fact we looked so alike. They also never went on to have any children themselves so I think I bore the brunt of his anger.

I didn't have children of my own (probably for the same reasons above)
and he's tried and failed to spilt my husband and I up!

My Mum is in a safer place away from him, and luckily I'm strong enough that he can't affect me anymore.

My stepfather is that abhorrent that he moved his mistress (my cousins wife) into my Mum's house on the day of her funeral.

Oh. What goes through people's minds? I wonder as a child do we look upon parents as the fountain of knowledge, always right, everything they say is true and they protect you against the world. It's only when you grow up and have some life experience that you realise very quickly it's quite the opposite.

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[MamaG]

Oh. What goes through people's minds? I wonder as a child do we look upon parents as the fountain of knowledge, always right, everything they say is true and they protect you against the world. It's only when you grow up and have some life experience that you realise very quickly it's quite the opposite.

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Absolutely. Throughout my childhood, no matter how badly my sister and I were treated, I always believed everything my mother told me and trusted her completely. Even into my twenties I just wanted her to love me. It was when I had my own children that I started to think back over it all and realised it's not normal. Still tried for many years to have a relationship with her. Felt guilty for feeling the way I did about her.

It finally clicked the day she said terrible things about my husband. I was used to the abuse but when she tried to inflict it on the most wonderful, patient, kind, loving, hardworking man I've ever met, I saw her for what she is / was.

Never looked back. I'm not even angry any more. She was dead to me from that day. I grieved for her and I am over it. Thank god!





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[squidgernetball]

I want to 'like' these posts but it almost seems inappropriate to like something when some have suffered so much, so just sending everyone a little bit of love x

 

[Gawjus36]

Just wanted to share this and send love to fellow girlie's who struggle with their parental relationships xxx



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[MamaG]

I want to 'like' these posts but it almost seems inappropriate to like something when some have suffered so much, so just sending everyone a little bit of love x

Oh bugger. I've liked lots....but you know what I mean x

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[jujojones]

This thread has been so refreshing to know that not everyone has the perfect relationship with their mom .... I thought it was just me ... I feel the same I won't have kids because I would hate them to look at me the same way I look at mine x

I agree it's refreshing knowing that your not the only one that's has a messed up family !! But I went the total opposite way .... I haven't got enough space to write about my little old story , but was the paternal side of the family that caused the havoc ( like I said earlier I've got an ok relationship with my mum now) ... But when I found I was pregnant at 21, got prego before my now husband was away for a few months (whole other story lol) .... It was too late to do anything, poopiing myself I'd turn out just like "them" I vowed I'd do anything I could to be a good mum! Well 3 happy & healthy kids & 10 years later Im doing a good job!! The curse can be cut, and it makes me even angrier as a parent that anyone could actually choose to cause hurt and harm to there own children!

X

 

[Balance Andover]

I agree it's refreshing knowing that your not the only one that's has a messed up family !! But I went the total opposite way .... I haven't got enough space to write about my little old story , but was the paternal side of the family that caused the havoc ( like I said earlier I've got an ok relationship with my mum now) ... But when I found I was pregnant at 21, got prego before my now husband was away for a few months (whole other story lol) .... It was too late to do anything, poopiing myself I'd turn out just like "them" I vowed I'd do anything I could to be a good mum! Well 3 happy & healthy kids & 10 years later Im doing a good job!! The curse can be cut, and it makes me even angrier as a parent that anyone could actually choose to cause hurt and harm to there own children!

X

Yes, the curse can be cut. I'm a pretty good stepmum to my grown up stepsons and I've inherited my mums love for animals.

 

[Balance Andover]

Oh. What goes through people's minds? I wonder as a child do we look upon parents as the fountain of knowledge, always right, everything they say is true and they protect you against the world. It's only when you grow up and have some life experience that you realise very quickly it's quite the opposite.

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I idolised my stepfather when was little and he bought me up from 7 months old, so in fact I was his child in every sense of the word.

I think we grow older and realise we have choices.

 

[Lady Murasaki]

Truly toxic relationships go way beyond a bit of teenage rebellion. Pushing boundaries is normal behaviour for young adults.
My mother admits she hated me because my Dad loved me more than her, in her eyes, and I had attributes that she didn't.
She maintains to this day that having me wrecked her life. If she hadn't had kids (these are her words), she'd have been slim, rich, free, and happy.

The last time I spoke to her, I threw her out of my salon for saying that she wished my Allan would die, so I could suffer being a widow like her.
Evil woman.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I truly understand what it is like.

My mother hates me as I'm a spit of my dad in looks and personality.

I spent most of my teens and early 20s on anti depressants and feeling suicidal as she control every part of my life.

When she is over she 'parents me' tells me to shh and be quiet in my own own, home, she won't let me going to bed early (I need to get up at 5am as I'm also a locum nurse) and if I do she accuses me of neglecting her and stands outsider bedroom shouting are you in bed???

I wake up in the morning and she is outside my bedroom door waiting for me to wake up.

I came home from work one day this week to find the whole flat re arranged how she liked it

I have now snapped and I'm in the process of throwing her out as I've had enough and never want her over again.

 

[Mobile Manicure]

Why is she even in your house in the first place?!

 

[Lady Murasaki]

Well, she wanted her hair doing. If my OH was at home (he's off sailing) she wouldn't dare come round, as he's not here I'm fair game.

 

[Mobile Manicure]

We'll now you know what to do. "He never leaves the house Mum, sorry. He's working from home and does all his shopping online and waits in for deliveries all day. I don't think he's left the house in the last 6 weeks unless I'm with him" say you may suspect he's become agoraphobic.

Or you could just tell her to #%}^{+*^ off out of your life.