Problems with my mother!

[Lady Murasaki]

Hello geeks!

My mum and I had an arrangement while I was working part time that I would occasionally colour her hair to keep costs down for her (she had split up from her BF and is now renting) and she offered to cover my products. I'm now working full time and busy with my business and as a locum nurse and this arrangement is getting out of hand.

My mum lives in Wiltshire and I live in South Hampshire and she travels to me.

The problem is this now dominating and taking up my time every time she comes down to 'visit' my partner and I As she wants her hair doing and I'm finding it difficult to fit her in as I'm working 6/7 day weeks and the last thing I want to do it do a colour.

I have suggested she gets someone near her, but it didn't go down well.

She also creates and has drama moments about what she is going to wear to have her hair done (I kid you not) and is rude/belittling to me in my own home, out in public and in front of my partner.

she has now stopped covering my costs the last 2 times and wants to leave as soon as I've done hair or just travel down/up I the same day.

We are no close, she has arranged a trip to Italy with my sister and I'm not invited, but wants her hair doing before she goes :-/

I just don't know what to do!

 

[Mobile Manicure]

Do you have any children? I'm guessing you don't. I now realise being a mother how much hard work it is, how much of yourself you give up to bring up your children. My children are still young but when they become adults I would be very offended and upset if they couldn't even spare me the time to colour my hair for me. And I wouldn't expect to be paying them either unless they were having financial difficulties.

You've got to look at it from her side. You may not be close relationship wise but she's still your mum who brought you into this world. How often does she want it doing? Twice a week? I bet it's only once a month or something.

I lost my Mum 12 years ago and would jump at the chance to do something nice for her. I know you don't mean it this way, but your attitude sounds selfish. I've read loads of your posts and you come across as lovely and sensible. Don't let your emotions get in the way. The Italy trip has probably got you upset and I don't blame you but brush it under the carpet. Treat her kindly. You may regret it later.

 

[Steph86]

Aww that doesn't sound fun for you, as for the trip... Id be the bigger person (& maybe a little two faced) and not let her see its bothered you, do her hair, talk about it the holiday & wish her a lovely time.

Once she is back say to her you can only do her hair (as an example) add on a week longer than she would like as you are busy with work commitments, offer times that are more suitable to you so it isn't taking time from your day off, if that doesn't suit her, so be it. You've offered. Thats just what I would do though.

Xx

 

[squidgernetball]

I can only feel great sympathy for you. I have had a very strained relationship with my mother, and unfortunately people think that other peoples relationships with their mothers are like their own, and only when you have a parent that is extremely difficult do you know how it feels!

Lovely for those people who have great relationships with their parents, and sad to lose a much loved parent, but when the relationship is strained difficult, and often downright unpleasant, nothing can compare with the hurt it can cause - and yes, I have 2 grown up daughters of my own, and know how hard it is to bring up children, but as I say to anyone who ever dares to criticise my relationship with my mother - walk a mile in these shoes!

Sorry for the hard time you're having! I'd be out the next time she wants her hair done I'm afraid - easier said than done, I know!

Vicki x

 

[Lady Murasaki]

Do you have any children? I'm guessing you don't. I now realise being a mother how much hard work it is, how much of yourself you give up to bring up your children. My children are still young but when they become adults I would be very offended and upset if they couldn't even spare me the time to colour my hair for me. And I wouldn't expect to be paying them either unless they were having financial difficulties.

You've got to look at it from her side. You may not be close relationship wise but she's still your mum who brought you into this world. How often does she want it doing? Twice a week? I bet it's only once a month or something.

I lost my Mum 12 years ago and would jump at the chance to do something nice for her. I know you don't mean it this way, but your attitude sounds selfish. I've read loads of your posts and you come across as lovely and sensible. Don't let your emotions get in the way. The Italy trip has probably got you upset and I don't blame you but brush it under the carpet. Treat her kindly. You may regret it later.

I don't have children, main due to my mothers narsasistic behavior towards me as child.

With regards to the Italy trip, I'm not upset about as we are not close, I am a spit of my father and she doesn't like me for this as have come to accept this over the years.

My mother has only started this since she broke up from her BF as he used to do it for her (don't go there!!) and before that we hardly saw or spoke to each other.

I offered as favour, as I felt sorry for her, however yesterday a really good friend of my partners died and my OH was inconsolable (it's first time I've seen him cry and we have been together 7 years) and all my mum could say 'what about my hair being done?'

I know it comes across selfish, but I am really a nice person!

Unfortunately my mother and I are not a good match

 

[gillian w]

I'm kind of with mm on this.I find a lot of my time now given up to my 85 year old mother but on the other hand she is lovely and Its now my turn as she has done everything she ever could for me all my life.
Just do it, she is your mum she may take the p and she might not exactly be the mum you want but unless she has been horrendously abusive its not ever a relationship you want to break down as you both get older you will realise how important it is and if you don't do her hair it may drive a rift between you

 

[Mobile Manicure]

I don't have children, main due to my mothers narsasistic behavior towards me as child.

With regards to the Italy trip, I'm not upset about as we are not close, I am a spit of my father and she doesn't like me for this as have come to accept this over the years.

My mother has only started this since she broke up from her BF as he used to do it for her (don't go there!!) and before that we hardly saw or spoke to each other.

I offered as favour, as I felt sorry for her, however yesterday a really good friend of my partners died and my OH was inconsolable (it's first time I've seen him cry and we have been together 7 years) and all my mum could say 'what about my hair being done?'

I know it comes across selfish, but I am really a nice person!

Unfortunately my mother and I are not a good match

Okay, now that you've shed a bit light on your relationship and her attitude, I would also tell her you're too busy! :Scared:

 

[persianista]

Been where you are babe. I had to cut my toxic mother out of my life.

 

[Nila]

She is not a friend or neighbor asking for a favor, she is your mum! If you are working 6-7 days a week I assume you are making good money. It should't matter to find some time to do her hair even if it means you make a little less money that day. A tube of colour is only 4-5 pounds. How can you ask your mum to pay for that?! Treat your mum the way you want your children treat you in the future. Even if you are upset with her, do it for a good karma. Whatever good you do, the universe will give you back one way or another. So be nice to her as she is your MUM.

I always colour my mum's hair, do her eyebrows etc for free and i find it insulting if she offers to pay. I even don't charge my mother in law when she comes to the salon, she always insist to pay though and if the treatment takes long i charge her half price. It doesn't matter how much i need the money it just doesn't feel right to treat them like a stranger.

 

[persianista]

If you've got a nice mother, you'll never get your head around how harmful a toxic mother can be.
I tried my best for years to do my best, until I eventually came to the conclusion that it'll never be enough, and cut her out. Best decision I ever made.

 

[kimi1101]

Delete her out your life.

Yes she gave birth to you but she is a taker. I agree with Persianista, I hate the term "she'll always be your mum" etc....sometimes you need to think of you. I'm very fortunate that I backed right off from my mother and miraculously her attitude has really changed in past year and we get on better now. But it is a million times worse when it is your mother who is being so cruel to you.

 

[happyfeet]

I get on well with my mum fortunately but really feel for you that you don't and that your Mum has made it that way. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who love and respect you for you and leave those behind that don't. A relationship works both ways, not just one way because someone gave birth. You deserve more lovely. xx

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[jujojones]

I'm lucky to have a half decent mum, but sadly many others in my family would suck the life out if you if they could.... My hubby and I had clothing for years, really struggled to pay the bill even tho we worked 24/7, anyway all our hard work has started to pay off an have been able to buy a new car and extend our house.... Well jealousy and nastiness has taken over, and they all want something for nothing! We speak when we have to ... Birthdays, xmas etc iMO get rid, just coz they are family members doesn't mean they won't take advantage, they will try it on even more !! Blood thicker than water? Pppftt it's not! If it was a friend you would no way except it!

Tell her your too busy ! X

 

[Lady Murasaki]

She is not a friend or neighbor asking for a favor, she is your mum! If you are working 6-7 days a week I assume you are making good money. It should't matter to find some time to do her hair even if it means you make a little less money that day. A tube of colour is only 4-5 pounds. How can you ask your mum to pay for that?! Treat your mum the way you want your children treat you in the future. Even if you are upset with her, do it for a good karma. Whatever good you do, the universe will give you back one way or another. So be nice to her as she is your MUM.

I always colour my mum's hair, do her eyebrows etc for free and i find it insulting if she offers to pay. I even don't charge my mother in law when she comes to the salon, she always insist to pay though and if the treatment takes long i charge her half price. It doesn't matter how much i need the money it just doesn't feel right to treat them like a stranger.

I don't have children and never will, as I never want to turn out like her.

My mother made my life a living hell right up to the day I left home, not only did she verbally abuse me, she used to hit me too...

She also go my younger sister to join in and would stand there laughing.

I had to leave school at 16 and pay rent my sister didn't and went on to uni.

my sister and I now have strained relationship to the point we don't talk often at all.

Still think I should be nice to her?

 

[virtues2011]

Blimey. I thought I was the only one who never spoke to either parent! Trouble is my daughter now doesn't speak to me...I must be just like my mother! I hate kids.

And parents.

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[pinkbowsbeauty]

Im shocked at the amount pf people that have said something along the lines of "she's your mother, bite your tongue and deal with it"

Yes she's your mother but if I were you I would indeed feel a bit "used for my services" and also feel very bitter about it.

Don't get me wrong I, like a lot of people do a lot for my mum and expect nothing in return but my mum will pop round even if she doesn't need something! It seems this is whats missing with your mum.

Im not sure what the best advice is, all I will say is think of your own wellbeing. Just because she's family doesn't necessarily mean she has to be in your life.

Lots of luck with it lovely x

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[pinkbowsbeauty]

I don't have children and never will, as I never want to turn out like her.

My mother made my life a living hell right up to the day I left home, not only did she verbally abuse me, she used to hit me too...

She also go my younger sister to join in and would stand there laughing.

I had to leave school at 16 and pay rent my sister didn't and went on to uni.

my sister and I now have strained relationship to the point we don't talk often at all.

Still think I should be nice to her?

Not one bit. It clearly distresses you to have them in your life so I don't think you could be blamed in the slightest if you cut them off. You do what's best for you.

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[Missy1213]

I would have said "she's your mum" but after reading more I realise it isn't straight cut.
I have a good relationship with my mum so obviously I would say the above but not everyone has.
Parents are not always right or perfect.

I guess your just going to have to make an excuse next time she wants a colour and then make another excuse.
Personally, I think id tell her I can do your hair this day.... I'd feel better if it was on my terms. I hate that feeling when I feel forced if that's the right word.

 

[persianista]

I too was forced to leave school at 16, and leave home at 18. Her favourite phrase is still "you owe me, I let you live in my house till you were 18"
You can't reason with that.
I too remained childless, as I was terrified of family life. Still am.

 

[tonicj]

Sorry to hear about your situation Lady M. I sadly have a turbulent relationship with my dad. He has always been very dogmatic and extremely ungrateful. As some of you know I help out with my Mum who is 82. We nearly lost her 2 years ago. Since that time I help out as much as I can, but it is never enough in his eyes. He thinks the world owes him. If I can't make it over, I will have an abusive phone call from him. It can be very emotionally draining. I often feel like saying "stuff it! I'm not going back. He can just find someone else to be abusive towards!" But then I think of Mum. I have to do it for her, so I just go along with it and don't respond when he is in one of his moods. I often tell myself that if he is so miserable on the outside, what must he be like on the inside! There are the odd moments when he can be pleasant and then I feel sorry for him and try to put all the negative thoughts of him to one side. Everyone's story is different and we all react differently as well. If nature takes its course and my parents go before me, I want to be at peace with myself and know I did the best I could. I would probably say to you Lady M to do what's right for you xx