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lillamy

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hi geeks

I know this is not really beauty related but since I dont want to speak about this to any of my friends or family (who are all abroad anyway) I dont know whom else to turn to. I am engaged and have been with my partner for 3 years. Everyone loves him and thinks the world of him. What no one knows though (because I lie about it as I am ashamed) is that he has been in and out of work for as long as I have known him. He will work for a few months, then either get the sack or leave as he doesnt like it. He is very up and down and unstable emotionally and sometimes I think that he must be borderline (but he is very giving and loving too on the upside).

I am so tired of it. We always manage as he gets paid ok when he works and then lives off the savings but now I know that there are not a lot left and his newest venture is not going that well. I am constantly worried about what is happening next and he is so unhappy (that is why he has changed jobs all the time) and he is 36 years old so it is not like he is a boy.. sometimes he is crying saying he has nothing as he has screwed up his life so much. I am currently studying and havent got any income. He promised to take care of me which he has and he was the one who kept nagging me to leave my job (which I hated and did for 6 years) and to make a change but i feel I can not trust him like this as I have no idea how he will get all the money that we need. Needless to say I am not wanting to have children as things are always so unstable. I lie to family and friends that he is in the same job as I know my family would be really worried if they knew the truth and I dont want them to worry. I am at a point where I feel I am in my 30ies, I am pretty and smart and I wonder if I am just wasting my time or am I just a cruel person for feeling like this? I am so down by it so often. I am so scared of leaving him though as I am scared he would harm himself. He is a lovely person and he always puts me first and I love him but I dont know if I see our future together as I cant see myself having a family when things are always so unstable. I just feel so lost and alone with this.

Am I a terrible person for feeling like this, should I just stay and support him and hope things will get better or should I leave? I know lots of people are without jobs etc in this climate but I feel this is more than that, he is emotionally unstable and he has been like this all his life. He had ONE job once that lasted 1,5 years and all the others have been very short.. his cv is full of lies and as he has moved around internationally you could never tell............ I need some advise from you geeks please I have just been crying as he had a breakdown
 

PampaHouse

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No advice for you I'm afraid, just couldn't read your post and not let you know you've been heard, really hope someone can pop up with something to help and really hope you find an answer xx
 

lillamy

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No advice for you I'm afraid, just couldn't read your post and not let you know you've been heard, really hope someone can pop up with something to help and really hope you find an answer xx
Thank you xxx
 

deanosnana

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Only YOU can answer your questions.

My question to you is: do you enjoy being unhappy? If not, then I think you know what you need to do.

I'm in my 50's so I have a few years on you. I believe we are in charge of our happiness. If being with your fiance is making you unhappy and you WANT TO BE HAPPY, then it is time to move on.

No one person or thing can make us happy. I believe it's perception. I work two jobs. I can choose to be miserable; oh, poor me...I have to work two jobs to make ends meet. OR, I can look at it this way; geez...I'm the luckiest woman alive as I have TWO jobs that I LOVE doing. I choose the latter. HTH! :)
 

RachelLynch

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I feel for you chick, I'm having a struggle with my fiancé he hasnt had a job for 3 years and I have to pay for everything which is so stressful.

You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel, you need to tell him your not happy because you don't feel anything is stable and he needs to stick at a job so he can support you.

I don't really know what else to say really, but I hope everything is ok. Keep us posted x
 

Lush-Lash

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hi geeks

I know this is not really beauty related but since I dont want to speak about this to any of my friends or family (who are all abroad anyway) I dont know whom else to turn to. I am engaged and have been with my partner for 3 years. Everyone loves him and thinks the world of him. What no one knows though (because I lie about it as I am ashamed) is that he has been in and out of work for as long as I have known him. He will work for a few months, then either get the sack or leave as he doesnt like it. He is very up and down and unstable emotionally and sometimes I think that he must be borderline (but he is very giving and loving too on the upside).

I am so tired of it. We always manage as he gets paid ok when he works and then lives off the savings but now I know that there are not a lot left and his newest venture is not going that well. I am constantly worried about what is happening next and he is so unhappy (that is why he has changed jobs all the time) and he is 36 years old so it is not like he is a boy.. sometimes he is crying saying he has nothing as he has screwed up his life so much. I am currently studying and havent got any income. He promised to take care of me which he has and he was the one who kept nagging me to leave my job (which I hated and did for 6 years) and to make a change but i feel I can not trust him like this as I have no idea how he will get all the money that we need. Needless to say I am not wanting to have children as things are always so unstable. I lie to family and friends that he is in the same job as I know my family would be really worried if they knew the truth and I dont want them to worry. I am at a point where I feel I am in my 30ies, I am pretty and smart and I wonder if I am just wasting my time or am I just a cruel person for feeling like this? I am so down by it so often. I am so scared of leaving him though as I am scared he would harm himself. He is a lovely person and he always puts me first and I love him but I dont know if I see our future together as I cant see myself having a family when things are always so unstable. I just feel so lost and alone with this.

Am I a terrible person for feeling like this, should I just stay and support him and hope things will get better or should I leave? I know lots of people are without jobs etc in this climate but I feel this is more than that, he is emotionally unstable and he has been like this all his life. He had ONE job once that lasted 1,5 years and all the others have been very short.. his cv is full of lies and as he has moved around internationally you could never tell............ I need some advise from you geeks please I have just been crying as he had a breakdown
hi hun, has your partner been to see the dr at all? Maybe you could suggest it too him, if he's unhappy all the time & crying he should seek professional help & you say your scared he could harm himself.

I'm no counseller by the way. but I read your post & instantly thought he needs to see the dr, sounds to me like he has some form of depression going on (which in most cases is treatable) get him some help & he may start enjoying life & keeping at jobs in turn making your life easier.


Is there any particular reason he is always leaving his jobs or is it just because he is unhappy in general? or could it be he just hasn't found a job he enjoys? is he skilled in anything? why's he say he has screwed up his life? (sorry it looks like I'm being nosey here, I'm not I'm just trying to look at the bigger picture to see if I can help what to suggest)

& no your not a bad person for thinking you want to leave, it's only normal to think 'I want out' when unhappy xx
 

Sharon.H

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Hi hun,
I really think you should open up and talk to a friend or family member, talking things over really does help, and your partner should talk to some one also.

It sounds to me that your main concern is that he is out of work alot? You sound like you are both happy and still in love otherwise. So this is what i was thinking as i read your post....

Being out of work isnt shameful, someone you know might even say oh i know a job thats available and so on, word of mouth always helps!
Maybe he is looking for the wrong kind of job? Or how about registering to do temp jobs that way he isnt in the same job for long enough to get bored, the agency will just rotate him on to the next!
Or sit down and really talk about what job he is looking for, maybe it would help to draw a plan for him to study towards his dream job after your studying?
Are you working aswel to help take the burden from him?

I cant stress how much better things will seem if you talk it through with a pal, and wine always helps to get a load off!

Im sorry if the grammer etc, isnt great here but i am using my tiny phone and i didnt want to not try to help
Take care xx

Sent from my U20i using SalonGeek
 

lillamy

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Only YOU can answer your questions.

My question to you is: do you enjoy being unhappy? If not, then I think you know what you need to do.

I'm in my 50's so I have a few years on you. I believe we are in charge of our happiness. If being with your fiance is making you unhappy and you WANT TO BE HAPPY, then it is time to move on.

No one person or thing can make us happy. I believe it's perception. I work two jobs. I can choose to be miserable; oh, poor me...I have to work two jobs to make ends meet. OR, I can look at it this way; geez...I'm the luckiest woman alive as I have TWO jobs that I LOVE doing. I choose the latter. HTH! :)
Oh you made me smile:) Thank you for your wise words I really appreciate it. I think deep inside I know the answer yes (and no i dont want to be unhappy!) but I am just so scared. NOt only for myself but I am scared what will happen to him. I am also scared of being alone (silly thing but I am) and I am scared, scared scared............... It really helps to have some replies and thoughts, thank you so much for that x I just dont know HOW to move on or find the strength in this it just feels like a mountain at the moment
 

Lush-Lash

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Only YOU can answer your questions.

My question to you is: do you enjoy being unhappy? If not, then I think you know what you need to do.

I'm in my 50's so I have a few years on you. I believe we are in charge of our happiness. If being with your fiance is making you unhappy and you WANT TO BE HAPPY, then it is time to move on.

No one person or thing can make us happy. I believe it's perception. I work two jobs. I can choose to be miserable; oh, poor me...I have to work two jobs to make ends meet. OR, I can look at it this way; geez...I'm the luckiest woman alive as I have TWO jobs that I LOVE doing. I choose the latter. HTH! :)
Great attitude there deanosnana! :) xx
 

lillamy

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hi hun, has your partner been to see the dr at all? Maybe you could suggest it too him, if he's unhappy all the time & crying he should seek professional help & you say your scared he could harm himself.

I'm no counseller by the way. but I read your post & instantly thought he needs to see the dr, sounds to me like he has some form of depression going on (which in most cases is treatable) get him some help & he may start enjoying life & keeping at jobs in turn making your life easier.


Is there any particular reason he is always leaving his jobs or is it just because he is unhappy in general? or could it be he just hasn't found a job he enjoys? is he skilled in anything? why's he say he has screwed up his life? (sorry it looks like I'm being nosey here, I'm not I'm just trying to look at the bigger picture to see if I can help what to suggest)

& no your not a bad person for thinking you want to leave, it's only normal to think 'I want out' when unhappy xx
Thank you for ur reply and no ur not nosy!! Hi he has not and it is not that I havent suggested it many many times (and so did his ex fiance who walked out on him , ages ago now but) but he refuses... he says that it is none of anyones business and he doesnt need shrinks or pills etc. He has been like he is all his life and his family always though he was the trouble maker, he left home at 16.. he left UK at 20.. he leaves jobs because he doesnt like the people usually he thinks someone is an id1ot and he cant get along with them or he hates the job or the culture.. he doesnt like people very much I know this sounds awful but he has a lot of anger inside towards humainty!!! having said all this he has NO problems GETTING jobs at all! he can be enormously charming and confident. He can be the best actor in the world he could win an OSCAR!!! and he is learning things all the time just by being curious and so he studies in his free time and he is now trying to be selfemployed but he has a lot of downs when he isnt making any money and that is when he says that his life is completely screwed as he has now been out of employment for too long and has changed careers too many timnes and is too old for this rollercoaster.............. I ts hard to describe everything but I suppose he is a very extreme personality and he can be enormously happy and enormously depressed, the more I read about boarderline the more I think he has got it............... :( I have tried to get him to see a GP but at the same time I hate telling him that something is wrong as that is what ppl have told him all his life and I dont want to be one of "those ppl" who tells him that somehing is wrong with him
 

lillamy

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I feel for you chick, I'm having a struggle with my fiancé he hasnt had a job for 3 years and I have to pay for everything which is so stressful.

You need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel, you need to tell him your not happy because you don't feel anything is stable and he needs to stick at a job so he can support you.

I don't really know what else to say really, but I hope everything is ok. Keep us posted x
Thank you for your advise! I have sat down but he feels I am judging him and now we argue because he says that my love is not unconditional and that he feels I will leave him eventually. I wish u all the best and hope ur fiancee finds something soon!!!!
 

lillamy

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Hi hun,
I really think you should open up and talk to a friend or family member, talking things over really does help, and your partner should talk to some one also.

It sounds to me that your main concern is that he is out of work alot? You sound like you are both happy and still in love otherwise. So this is what i was thinking as i read your post....

Being out of work isnt shameful, someone you know might even say oh i know a job thats available and so on, word of mouth always helps!
Maybe he is looking for the wrong kind of job? Or how about registering to do temp jobs that way he isnt in the same job for long enough to get bored, the agency will just rotate him on to the next!
Or sit down and really talk about what job he is looking for, maybe it would help to draw a plan for him to study towards his dream job after your studying?
Are you working aswel to help take the burden from him?

I cant stress how much better things will seem if you talk it through with a pal, and wine always helps to get a load off!

Im sorry if the grammer etc, isnt great here but i am using my tiny phone and i didnt want to not try to help
Take care xx

Sent from my U20i using SalonGeek
Thank you Sharon for ur reply. I think it is more that he has emotional problems. He gets jobs easily and is good with sellling himself. But he cant stay stable, this is the problem, it is like a volcano inside him (that is how he describes it). I know I should speak to someone but I dont want to worry my family and I can only think of one friend whom I could consider opening up to. So maybe I will do that. I really feel just better having chatted to geeks on here I really just needed some human contact with this matter ! Thank you so much for your reply. I think I know inside that I am not happy. I love him but I cant see it working in the long run. I have waited for things to become more stable for 3 yrs and i would have no problem supporting him if he had a dream he wanted to follow but the problem is that he doesnt know what the problem is.............. I left my job to follow my dream and I am not working since february. I am now at crossroads of either doing my level 3 beauty or going bk to an office job. I want to study so bad but I cant study and support myself alone but I dont want to stay in this relationship because of my studies either so I am really unsure of what my next step is to be........... :(
 

RachelLynch

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Thank you for your advise! I have sat down but he feels I am judging him and now we argue because he says that my love is not unconditional and that he feels I will leave him eventually. I wish u all the best and hope ur fiancee finds something soon!!!!
He sounds like mine! He thinks I'm judging him when I'm actually tryna help him and he just won't listen!

I hope all ends up ok babe x
 

tanfastic

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Oh Lillamy, I do feel for you but enough is enough, you are now 30ish,you have to build a life for yourself. Do you want children and a happy family ? Do you want your own family to be a big part of you and your partners lives with your children (their grandchildren) ?

Well honey I am sorry to say the path you are following at the moment is not leading you to that destination. I am in my late forties and have made some bad decisions when I was younger so I do know how difficult it can be, especially when your partner is needy and makes you worry that they will harm themselves. But you know what... You only have one chance to make the best of what life offers and you are not doing that at the moment.
I really dont mean to sound horrid honestly, but do you think an unstable irresponsible unreliable man would be a good father figure for your children, would you and he be able to provide a safe haven for your children to grow up in, or are you never going to have children because of the way things are.

Harsh realities to face up to my darling and I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. You have to decide if you want to stay and help him work through his issues but if he wont seek professional help , I dont think your love alone will be enough to "cure" him

So sorry if this upsets you but I had similar issues when I was younger and I wish someone had given me a kick up the bum instead of pussyfooting around. I may have had children and life might have been so different for me, so my words only come from a caring place and are not meant vindictively at all
 

Floss26

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Thank you for your advise! I have sat down but he feels I am judging him and now we argue because he says that my love is not unconditional and that he feels I will leave him eventually. I wish u all the best and hope ur fiancee finds something soon!!!!

I think the BIB is really worrying. IMO only your children are worthy of unconditional love; in any other kind of relationship it's a two way street. We all have our down times when we might take more from our relationship than we give, but generally it should balance out I think.

I've been in a similar situation where my other half (my then-husband) really needed to seek outside help from doctors/psychologists but he flatly refused; so I eventually had to accept that I couldn't fix things on my own and if he wasn't prepared to even try then I had no other option than to leave. Reading your posts, I think you know that's the only sensible option for you too, but it's so scary. But do you know what - the scariest bit is making the decision! The rest is plain sailing! Think of it like climbing a massive hill - you're thinking now that making the decision is only halfway up the hill and you'll still have a long way to go but believe me, once you've made the decision you've made it to the top! The rest is a whole lot easier. So don't be scared. You'll feel a whole lot better for doing what you know deep down is the right thing.
 

GemmaLR

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I think only you can determine what you want out of life. For me I couldn't cope with this, my DH and I are a partnership and equal partners at that. When he was looking at redundancy I supported him in what he wanted to do career wise and he did the same for me when I was temporarily unemployed and starting out in my new career.

If I was studying to make a career for us and he couldn't hold down a job (with no concrete reasons) I couldn't put up with this. It's about give and take and it appears he's not willing to work with you or seek help to try and work things out.
 

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I'm no doctor nor a shrink but I haven't been on here in ages but tonight the first thing I read was your post.

I am always willing to help anyone with anything... but my motto is

"you can't help someone who is not willing to help themselves"

It seem he doesn't want to admit he has a problem! It seems to me there is a deep underlying problem that has made him so annoyed with the world and he cannot make you feel guilty by talking about 'unconditional love'.

You need to sit him down and tell him straight, how you feel and what you want from life because it's not all about him.

Only you can decide what to do, but I wish you all the luck and hope whatever decision you make, you stick to it and are happy. :confused: x
 

lillamy

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oh geeks I am so so thankful for your honest replies it means a lot!

tanfastic - you really opened my eyes. These are my exact fears! I am now in my eary 30ies and I feel I have to either break it or settle for this. But it is not how I dreamed it would be and I feel that I need to not waste more time but it is just so very hard for me to break it but I will have to make a decision. I think I have made it I just havent verbally done it. It took me ONE YEAR to break up in my previous relationship (when i was younger, that lasted 6 yrs) so I am a bit slow with these things....

Thank you so much for all the advise geeks I needed to hear this stuff I really did! Coz I havent talked to anyone about it, I havent had any views other than my own...Its just been a battle in my head!! I needed to hear all of ur views and all of ur advise and experiences and now I need to be strong and figure out how I can financially get myself sorted so that I am not dependent on this relatinship (not that it is financially safe either..) X
 

lillamy

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I'm no doctor nor a shrink but I haven't been on here in ages but tonight the first thing I read was your post.

I am always willing to help anyone with anything... but my motto is

"you can't help someone who is not willing to help themselves"

It seem he doesn't want to admit he has a problem! It seems to me there is a deep underlying problem that has made him so annoyed with the world and he cannot make you feel guilty by talking about 'unconditional love'.

You need to sit him down and tell him straight, how you feel and what you want from life because it's not all about him.

Only you can decide what to do, but I wish you all the luck and hope whatever decision you make, you stick to it and are happy. :confused: x
spot on! there is indeed a very deep underlying problem... I think a lot of it stems from his childhood as he got really bullied in school when growing up and hence he has a "hate" for ppl in this country in general, and hence I think that s why he has spent all of his adult life living abroad and escaping his problems from one country to the other. I am no psychologist either but this is my guess and I have tried helping him but ur right in that I he needs to help himself
 

nicole333

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Oh my lovely, I'm a mental health nurse and I fear your own fears re BPD are correct. The way you describe him each time you post just feels like a another tick for the criteria.

This is the hard bit. He needs correct assessment and diagnosis in order to receive the support and skills to change his thinking. But it doesn't sound like he wants to. His thinking will be very different to yours and his behaviour is driven by his emotions and his inability to cope with them effectively.

I'm going to be blunt now. You need to make your own decisions about your future, but don't be fooled into thinking this will pass. Yes, he will probably burn out when he's older, but at his current age, he is in his diagnosis prime!

I feel for you, I really do.
 

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