what do i do? regarding my son

[kittenclaws]

i have had sleepless nights over this and ii have tryed to see it from both sides but i dont know what to do,
my son has now been with a care family (bit like a foster family) for about 7 months, he was throun out the first 8 families as they couldnt cope and he also doesnt attend school as no school will take him, anyway he refuses to come home for christmas i am seeing him saturday instead, this will be the first time he has wanted to see me in about 3 months.
he is now also asking me to hand over full custody of him to the carer, untill he is 18, at the moment he is section 20, LAC, so i have parental controll, but he has said he is happier with this carer family as they understand his condition and have had years of training so they know how to deal with it when he is at his worst,
i can understand what he is saying but omg i love my son so much that each time we speak i have to controll my tears as i just wish i could do for him the same things this other family are doing for him.
the case will go to court for the court to make a decision if my son feels i am not being fare by saying no i wont hand it over and i dont want to drag it to court, what do i do, in my heart of hearts i think i should let him make the choice but he is only 13, and i miss him so much,
i was hopeing that one day he might want to return home.
this is geting to me so much i have stoped doing my nvq study, stoped bothering to practice nails, i take it out on my hubby and daughters, and im not sleeping properly i look as rough as a rhinos butt and have put on loads of weight ass i am picking at junk al day as something to do.
i need to make a decision but i need to make the right one,

 

[Sassy Hassy]

Tracy hun I can't imagine what it is like to have a family member, let alone your child, turn their back on you. As a mother we have to do what is best for our children even if heartbreakingly it isn't what is best for us. I can't remember the exact saying but it's something like ... set your loved one free. If they were meant for you they will come back and they are yours, if they don't they never were.

I think if you let your son be with people who can care for him in a professional way then he will return to the mother he loves when he is able. Mental illness is so hard for everyone involved, so as we always say to you on here about your son... WHATEVER HAPPENS DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

 

[Lellipop]

Tracy I would be inclined not to hand over full partenal control, Ok your son has problems but he is YOUR son and if you hand him over to someone else you will lose all rights has his mother. He is 13 and I feel getting much to much control over you its almost emotional blackmail for you.
I really do feel for you and hope you can resolve this :hug:

 

[Buggy]

just because you don't hand over parental control does not mean he can't live there does it? why don't you explain that you don't mind him living there for as long as he likes but you don't want to hand over parental control.

 

[amyuk]

Hun, this is a tricky one, your caught between a rock and a hard place. If you let him go he oculd resent you in years to come, if you dont the same could happen. Mental Illness is one of the most unpredicatble illnesses around, and it has the ability like any illness to tear families apart.

Have you spoken to your husband and daughter about the situation? What do they think? As sassy hassy said you can't blame yourself.

If you did pass over responsibility would it be reversable before he turns 18 or is it permenant? Have you spoken to the carers, do they have tips and trickes they can tell tell you to help your son?

Hun my thoughts and my feelings are with you at this time.

XXX

 

[rachel_1984]

This must be such a difficult time for you. Although I feel I dont have anything too useful to offer, I would just like to say my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

 

[scattyfox]

Crikey tracy thats a hard one babe, as previously said you want to do right by him but make decisions hat are correct fo hima s he gets older.

Why not ompromise adn say lets leave it as it is for now and re-evaluate the situation in 18months if he still feels the same way hen maybe you will ahve to let him go but at least you will ahve ahd time to get used to the idea. Also it will ive time to see wether he really can settl wih thi family as 7months is not long. Is the family pressurising him to ask you thi question and if so why? i think there are too many unanswered question flying around still, so you do what your heart says and if it says no then do that, he is only a child and cannot make his own mind up at 13 even if he does think he is big an bad.

Wishing you all the best babes and don take it out on the others get down that gym an punch the punch bag you will feel much beter for it.
x

 

[Trinity]

I don't have children so can't even begin to comprehend the hurt and hell you and your family must be going through :hug:

From an outsiders, unbiased point of view it sounds like a test to me, it sounds like he's wanting to see how much you love him, and see if you would do it. To a 13 year old, it's all pretty much black and white, but we as adults know it's not that simple.

I don't see how giving up parental rights makes any difference to him, he still gets to live with the carer family no matter what, so what is the point of him asking? There isn't a point to it, other than him trying to find out how you feel about him. To see if you want rid of him (which we all know you don't!)

I think Scatty has the perfect solution - make him wait 18 months and then see how he feels about it. If they are that good at dealing with his issues, then in 18 months time he'll be much more mature mentally and emotionally to discuss this with you properly. If he thinks 18 months it too long then negotiate to 12 months (it isn't long to use but to a kid a year is forever don't forget). Just because you agree to discuss it in a year doesn't mean you have to hand him over, it means you agree to discuss it again.

One of my clients is a social worker and I get the feeling from general chatting to her about work and stuff, once you give up parental rights, there's not much opportunity to get them back. I'd rather hang on to them.

 

[DANNY]

I Had A Simular Incident In My Family. My Cousin Lived With Several Foster Families When She Was A Young Child. She Had A Tough Childhood But Her Mother Was Strong And She Never Gave Up On Her. Most Foster Parent Didn't Take Good Care Of Her. Although Her Mom Made The Decision To Give Up Custody They Still Maintained Close Contact With Each Other. 17 Years Have Passed And They Are Still Very Close. Fortunatly, She Was Able To Attend A 4 Year College, Land A Good Job, And She's Happily Married With Two Dogs.
I Will Keep You In My Prayers.

 

[Susie H]

Hi there, you don't know me and I read this by accident and hope I'm not intruding. I gave up my son to his dad, my ex husband when he was six years old because I couldn't cope with him, my head knew it was the right thing to do, I never saw him again and he's 25 now, I think of him every day, christmas and his birthday are the worst. I agree with Trin and I also think you should write down what you wrote here,just the first part, not the bit about falling apart, and give it to him. tell him he can stay where he is but that you will never give up on him and that giving up custody is giving up on him. Well thats my 2 pennys worth, good luck hun.

 

[ZOE!]

I agree with Trin. I think he may be asking to see if you do go through with it. Then if you did then he may resent you when he is grown up. I am only 20 but i remember when i was his age i used to feel very unloved by mum and i started being very horrid to her. I wanted her to crack up to see if she would do anything. I just wanted to know she loved me. I know its not the same situation, but it may be what he wants. I would wait a good while before deciding. xxx

 

[Trini]

Hi TRACY,
I am writing and crying at the same time so the screen is fussy. I am a mother of 3 two boys 16 and 13 and a 3 year old girl i left my boys 12 years ago to make a living and send money to support them my mom always say 1/2 a loaf is better than none at all i am telling u this because my middle child the 13 year he's with his grandmother on father side and she had him calling her mommy and wanted me to sign custody over to her i even found out that she planed to take him to the US and live so i can't find him i called the embassy in Trinidad and told them no visa is to be issued to him unless i am there in person
And told her i am not signing custody to her i will not under no circumstance give him away i even told her i will move back and take him and she faked a heart attack and said she'll die if i take him. My 16 year old knows why i had to leave but he told me the other day that he grew up feeling abandoned and he miss me so a little secret my boss don't know yet but i am moving back to Trinidad by OR before September next year. As much as we think they don't love us they do and show it in very different ways explain to him that u love him and dough you can't take care of him the way you should you are there for him and will always be and in the end your custody rights is all you have to hold on to and show him you are not giving him away only trying to give him a better living arrangement that will make him more comfortable and a healthier environment.

 

[kittenclaws]

thanks for the great advice guys, well, i am seeing my baby on saturday (im so excited im almost wetting myself:o ) i cant wait to give him a hig and one of them big sloppy kisses he hates s:o o much, lol,
i have told him that we will sit and talk face to face about what he wants in the future and we willboth make up a list of what we would like to happen.

 

[Lady H]

thanks for the great advice guys, well, i am seeing my baby on saturday (im so excited im almost wetting myself:o ) i cant wait to give him a hig and one of them big sloppy kisses he hates s:o o much, lol,
i have told him that we will sit and talk face to face about what he wants in the future and we willboth make up a list of what we would like to happen.

well I hope everything goes well for you on saturday, I will be thinking of you x x x xn

 

[cuticles]

Oh Kitten, thinking of you, keep strong.

Cathy

 

[Jaydee]

Hi Trace, I know you have been through hell and back and how down it gets you but you have really got to look after yourself. I personally dont think you should give full custody to the carers, if they are a decent family then they will work with you to give you a better understanding of your son and how they deal with his illness with him. When you meet up with him on Sat, I would do what Trin said and say that you will give it 18 months before you make a desicision but explain to him that if you handed over full custody straight away and he had any problems then you wouldn't have any way of helping him out as your responsibility was taken away from you. Tell him about your plans about having a salon in your new home and that you really need him and his help to come up with some designs and ideas as you need him to help you because you find his ideas are good and seem to work for you and it would be such a waste if you both missed out on this opportunity to work on a project as a team. By taking his attention away from the issue of you handing over custody and making him think something else may just give him a little bit of focus and attention that he needs at this moment in time. Now go and give your hubby and daughter a hug, tell them you love them and get back doing nails cos you need something for you that you enjoy. Take care.
David