Am I going to be judged?

[Chezzababy]

Hello all, hope you have all had a nice Christmas?

For the past 4 weeks I have been going over and over this. My 11 year old son has ADHD and Aspergers, he is on medication that he gets daily and a pill to help him unwind at night. Over the last year things has been getting out of hand. He is very hard to control in the house and very vulnerable when out. Putting himself into very difficult situations.

The list would go on and on, anyway, he has social work involvement, after having a meeting a few weeks ago, it was decided that he will go into a residential school but until then he will be going into foster care. Social work and myself fear for his safely and others.

As his mother I am totally devastated! I have always "fought his corner" protected him as a mother could and should but he does need professional help. This will be happening into the new year.

The thing that is really getting to me, is what people will say. I know I shouldn't worry but some people will be very quick to judge me! I really am falling apart! I love him so much!

Xxx

 

[Melk]

We are judged on everything, the important thing to remember is your doing the best thing for your son. Nothing else matters not what anyone else thinks or says. I feel for you it is the hardest decision to make. I let my daughter live with my sister for 8 mnts because I wasnt coping I hated being away from her, but it wasn't about me it was in her best interest at the time.

 

[Victoriabar]

I couldn't read and run.

As a parent we do what's best for our children regardless what the rest of society think, we put their needs unconditionally first so chin up mummy and know you are being the best mum you can be and whatever choices you make are for your sons well being xx

My friend has a son with asperegers and ADHD who is now 15 and been in residential school for 4 years, he spent much of his early years in and out of schools being given exclusions and then thrown out and all the time my buddy was trying to find out what was wrong with her son with meetings galore, they'd say it was one thing then go back and say it was another.. She had years of hell and no real help until the diagnosis and the offer of the residential school, like you she beat herself up over what to do and finally came to the conclusion it is what's best for him.

It hasn't been plain sailing BUT he had remained at a school which he loves, he has friends, he is achieving so well and the opportunities he's been able to receive are amazing.
Next year he is off to Kenya to work with underprivileged kids and help build a school.
His mum can of course now see the benefits that making that tough deduction all those years ago really was the best she could've done.

Sending you hugs x

 

[Chezzababy]

Thanx for your replies ladies. Nice to know that am not alone, hearing that this happens is reassuring. I know it's what he needs also I have to think of my other 2 children.

Thanks again

xxx

 

[Dol]

Sending you hugs.

You do whatever you deem necessary to keep your family functioning happily.
I know it must be difficult but you are obviously Not making this decision lightly and have your family's best interests at heart.

 

[melissab]

We are judged on everything, the important thing to remember is your doing the best thing for your son. Nothing else matters not what anyone else thinks or says. I feel for you it is the hardest decision to make.

I have to agree with this. Only you know what is best for you and your family. It sounds as though you are not making this decision lightly and you are thinking of your family before yourself. You should hold your head high as you sound like a wonderful mother who is doing what is best for your son and not yourself.

 

[CHarvey]

Yes you will be judged, we are all judged every day for every little thing we do but u know what? Let them judge, they have not walked a mile in your shoes so do not know how they hurt. Hold your head up high and ignore the wicked whispers. As a mother of a little boy with special needs I fully appreciate and understand your plight and have your back should you need it on here xx

 

[Tomme]

People will judge, its just human nature. The main thing is your doing what a good parent should, and that's putting your son before anything else!
I'm judging you now, and my verdict is... A good mum, selfless and caring! So if that's a crime your getting life.
Chin up, your doing the best you can xoxo

 

[CHarvey]

People will judge, its just human nature. The main thing is your doing what a good parent should, and that's putting your son before anything else!
I'm judging you now, and my verdict is... A good mum, selfless and caring! So if that's a crime your getting life.
Chin up, your doing the best you can xoxo

Wish there was a like button xxxx

 

[mizzy_dizzy]

you will ,
but no more so than you probably get when he acts up in public or at home from your neighbors , no more than when he dose or says something inappropriate , or when you council appointments or not let people into your home as hes trashed it for the 3rd time that day ,
or when the argos delivery men know what time you will be home to deliver the 5th chest of draws or bed frame that year ....... when your a mum to a special needs child you just get used to being judged

trust me I live with one with the double adhd / asp diagnosis to , he is 14 ,
we are fighting to get him a residential !
dose it hurt ? like hell ! its heart braking .
but then so is having my younger 2 having only ever known this permanent state of un-settlement we live in , where everything might have to be drooped for him even there birthdays .

do i hate my son ? maybe i sound like i do! but its not him ,i hate his actions ,
he probably hates the things he says or dose to sometimes ,

as puberty hits these boys ... they do tend to get worse ! i wish it wasn't the case but they do , they suddenly get all kinds of emotions they haven't had before because the aspergers has blocked it .

sending your son away is not giving up on him , its not washing your hands of him , its not easy to do , but hopefully your tears in doing this are an investment in his future ,

hopefully he will learn coping skills , how to deal with others , make friends , judge situations , even understanding how other people feel ,and how to act appropriately , how to look after his own well being and health. self confidence ! the things he needs to stay on the right track and have a successfully future .
these things to others are learned naturally as baby's , our boys don't have that , it will be harder for them , and we as mums are probably to close and to full of emotion to teach it to a boy who doesn't understand or detect emotion. its pure frustration on both sides. :hug:


go into it with your eyes wide open , don't be scared to ask questions ,
ask to check the place out , ask for a program of what they will be learning , what therapy , counseling there will be and if there will be family counseling sessions and visiting ,
find out out about school holidays , or if it will be a solid stay for assessment for the first 6 months , often that is normal practice especially for observation on a child that dose not sleep.


good luck , and im here if you ever want to vent or chat send me a PM

Ceri x

 

[waffle4]

you will ,
but no more so than you probably get when he acts up in public or at home from your neighbors , no more than when he dose or says something inappropriate , or when you council appointments or not let people into your home as hes trashed it for the 3rd time that day ,
or when the argos delivery men know what time you will be home to deliver the 5th chest of draws or bed frame that year ....... when your a mum to a special needs child you just get used to being judged

trust me I live with one with the double adhd / asp diagnosis to , he is 14 ,
we are fighting to get him a residential !
dose it hurt ? like hell ! its heart braking .
but then so is having my younger 2 having only ever known this permanent state of un-settlement we live in , where everything might have to be drooped for him even there birthdays .

do i hate my son ? maybe i sound like i do! but its not him ,i hate his actions ,
he probably hates the things he says or dose to sometimes ,

as puberty hits these boys ... they do tend to get worse ! i wish it wasn't the case but they do , they suddenly get all kinds of emotions they haven't had before because the aspergers has blocked it .

sending your son away is not giving up on him , its not washing your hands of him , its not easy to do , but hopefully your tears in doing this are an investment in his future ,

hopefully he will learn coping skills , how to deal with others , make friends , judge situations , even understanding how other people feel ,and how to act appropriately , how to look after his own well being and health. self confidence ! the things he needs to stay on the right track and have a successfully future .
these things to others are learned naturally as baby's , our boys don't have that , it will be harder for them , and we as mums are probably to close and to full of emotion to teach it to a boy who doesn't understand or detect emotion. its pure frustration on both sides. :hug:


go into it with your eyes wide open , don't be scared to ask questions ,
ask to check the place out , ask for a program of what they will be learning , what therapy , counseling there will be and if there will be family counseling sessions and visiting ,
find out out about school holidays , or if it will be a solid stay for assessment for the first 6 months , often that is normal practice especially for observation on a child that dose not sleep.


good luck , and im here if you ever want to vent or chat send me a PM

Ceri x

Wow what a personal, heart rending reply. Ill be totally honest and admit i was shocked at the OP saying she'll be sending her son into foster care but your reply has succinctly shown the other side and why for some families this just has to be, for the sake of parents and other siblings too. I wish you and your families peace, strength and happiness in your lives xx

 

[Chezzababy]

Thanx everyone, I haven't decided my sons future, the professionals have. Social work, school and others that are involved, if we didn't agree to it they would have taken me to court to grant permission.

Like I have said he is very vulnerable when outside, but I can't keep him in doors. I know this is best for him and hopefully he will learn all the social skills he needs to become a better person.

xxx

 

[Elaine143a]

Wow, I have to admire parents whose children have these difficulties. Bringing up a family is hard enough at the best of times, so can't even imagine what it is like for families in this situation.

From your posts you all sound like fantastic, loving, patient and loyal parents - what more could your children ask for? It must be heartbreaking to have to send them away for their own sake, so big hugs xxxxxxx to anyone in that situation.

 

[l.a.m.x]

I agree with the above, you sound like a wonderful mum. I also wanted to add that I don't think everyone will judge..some might, but anyone with a heart can see how tough a situation this must be.

Keep strong :hug: x

 

[lydia c]

How can anyone judge ? Do they know you or your son ? I think this country is far too judgemental anyway , on the way we look , act dress how old we are when we have children , at the end of the day it's nobody's business except your families , people will talk but that's because they obviously as they lead very sad lives , where were these people when you were dealing with your son through the hard times ? It takes a strong person to do what you will be doing and a great mother and don't forget that , best of luck XxXx

 

[nicole333]

You cannot control what other people think and do, but you can control how you react.

In those times when you fear you are being judged, take some time to think to yourself that your love for your kids is stronger than any feelings you may be having at that time.

You and your children matter, nobody else. :hug:

 

[lydia c]

They say nobody can make you feel inferior unless you let them x

 

[dandelionpoppy]

Perhaps your son will be similar to a boy I knew?
He was placed in a residential school (he has Aspergers).At the time he was very unhappy, and causing disruption wherever he was.
He went on to take some GCSEs at age 14; he was very bright and thrived academically at the school as they understood how to teach him, and he was in a small class.
He is now in his 20s; holding down a job, and able to socialise well.
This may be your son's story, too, and I wish you both well. xx

 

[Chezzababy]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I have been wanting to post this for so long.

xxx

 

[Crystal colleen]

Hey unfortunately in the society we live there are lots of judgers out there.So yes you probably will be judged by some but they don't know your life.

I've spent most of my life being judged and even mor so when I had my daughter who has special needs and quite a serious medical condition from being born prem.I get judged all the time with how I bring her up and what I do with her.I get judged because she is so skinny I have people ask me why is she so small do you feed her properly lol thats a joke the kid eats more than me lol shes just small,why do you do this,why are you doing that lol and in my mined I just think *u*k um lol.

Mothers know best and what's best for there child.You know what you doing is right if in your heart you know what your doing is right then do what's best for you and your family.

Don't let others put you down and what I have learned is that some of the people that will judge are the people that have never been through a similar situation and there not being nasty they just don't understand and have no knowledge on the situation.

I hope that everything resolves in time and you can fined some piece in you mined that what you doing is the right thing there is nothing worse than guilt and you have nothing to feel guilty for :hug: xxx