Cheating Partner - what would you do ?

[chandasnailz]

Even after walking out on my ex (after a cracked rib-while pregnant, his affairs and all the other crap) there are still nights nearly 5 years on when I think that perhaps, if I had stayed, that everything would be ok!

And for who knows how long had I been thinking I should leave this relationship - but couldn't actually do it! However, over one weekend, and to this day I don't know what triggered it, I decided that I just had to go! Once my mind was made up - my 6month old daughter and I were off like a shot.

I only took mine and little ones clothes and a few personal & baby bits - I left everything behind! I went back to my mum & dads, before sitting to work out how the hell I was going to support myself and my daughter. Because my name was still on the mortgage, and i was still paying my share and well as some of the bills, I wasn't entitled to anything. When we sold the house, we lost a large amount of money due to a number of reasons - and I had to take out a considerable personnal loan to cover my share of the debt we were left with. Even now, althought I get my tax credits most of my monthly salary has to go on paying old bills! I may not lead the high life, have a flash new car, take 2 holidays abroard a year, etc, etc that I know my ex has - but I am happy and so is my daughter!

Be strong - a wait for the right time - it will come!
Good Luck!

I am sooo happy to hear that. For you and your baby you did it. And dont be fooled. Ladies we have more entitlement than they do. they like to intmidate us and make us feel that we do not, but we have put wayyyyy more into it.

 

[chandasnailz]

Done Vicky.


This is the sad bit. I moved over from South Africa 7 years ago to be with him.

I gave up everything, my family, my country, my friends etc, just so that I could be with him. The only family I have here is me.

I earn quite a good salary and I don't think I'd be entitled to benefits on the money I earn, even though 90% of it goes straight towards paying my debt !

Hi, I am sorry but what in the UK makes you ladies not entitled to anything in the event something like this happens. Are you going by the intimidation of the man or is this really the law. Alot of time here the man and their lawyers intimidate the woman sooo bad that they just give up. But hey a woman is entitled to have of all assets in some cases with kids MORE. Do your research and give it a go. Hell what do you have to lose?? We need a organization for this. It is insane what these men think they can do. That is alll over the world.

Chanda

 

[Glorsclaws]

Hiya,
Im so sorry to hear what youre going through!
All the advice/reasons/stories given to you so far are all info that you can take something and draw strength from.
I hope you dont get offended by what Im going to say but, Im only saying it because Ive been a victim in the past too.
You have to take a long hard look at yourself, try thinking 'outside the box'
You KNOW it isnt acceptable the way this man is treating you, you KNOW you have to get out cos by staying, you condone his behaviour, and though youre scared of the unknown ... plenty of women do it...even women who come from other countries with no family and can barely speak English have rebuilt their lives away from controlling men.
What you need to work on, is breaking the cycle, the 'adrenalin rush' you get from living like this. After all what can be really be worse than the torture you are going through right now.... boredom? feeling dead inside? having no one to love? going without lifes luxuries?
You will prob feel all of this... I know I did...but you have to go through this to move on, let go...its like a berevement process.
Now Im years down the line from an abusive partner, I can see how I 'allowed' him to get away with what he did by merely staying there. I used all the excuses too...my home, my lifestyle, taking away my childrens daddy!
You have been strong once by leaving everything you knew behind to come to this country for this man... be strong again .... and leave everything behind again if need be, do it for your sanity, for yourself respect...do it for YOU! :hug:

 

[FrancescaP]

I realise that you have been to solicitors already but here are just a few pointers that you could throw at them if you went back ...

1. Although the mortgage is in his name you have a beneficial interest in the property as a person in actual occupation contributing to the mortgage. Q. Would he be able to afford the mortgage if it weren't for you?

2. A declaration of trust, whilst a legally binding document depends on his actions too. He has obligations based on promises he has made to you. If your actions have been to your detriment (e.g. you have contributed to the property when you could have been spending money elsewhere) based on promises he has made you in law it is considered "equitable" that you should have a share in the property.

3. Tell the solicitor that the declaration of trust is evidence of his intentions to share but also that he has breached the trust. Tell the solicitor to stop thinking in terms of a "resulting trust" and that your actions and his behaviour give evidence of a "constructive trust".

4. Once you can prove a "constructive trust" which I think you may be able to (mention Lloyds Bank v. Rosset to the solicitor) the tests for how much you are entitled to change and the courts no longer look simply at the physical amount that you have contributed, but also what you have given up in order to do so, for example buying your own house at the property prices before you got together.

The students I had in university were rubbish at Land Law and at Trusts (which is the area we are looking at here) unfortunately for the legal profession good students generally go on to do corporate law and other areas that make loads of money. The bad students get stuck doing Land Law, which is awful for the public because it is probably one of the most difficult areas of law.

You need a lawyer who is good and willing to fight because based on what you have told me the situation is not as cut and dried as the solicitors you have seen would seem to suggest.

They are right...there is no such thing as a common-law-wife but the key phrases to use with them are:- his breach of trust, the evidence of a willingness to share the property (the declaration), your direct contributions to the purchase of the property and your detriment.

Your interest is based on the fact that you are in actual occupation of the property, DO NOT LEAVE ask him to go. Let him take you to court to get you out...it won't be that simple for him and you then let him do all the money spending, he may be forced to come to a compromise by the mortgage company or the courts.

Find a really good solicitor!

Best of luck,

Fran
xxx

 

[Mobile Spa]

Thanks Trin, but this has been going on for a while. I've confronted him once before, but that obvioulsly did no good as he's just gone and done it again.

He came home last night from being at the Edinburgh Festival for 5 days and his mobile was full of messages from 2 women (with no detail spared I might add)!

By staying I'm sending a very clear message to him that says "It's OK, you can cheat and do whatever you like, but I won't leave you because I can't (financially)" and thereby giving him carte blance so that he can do what he wants because it won't make any difference.

I really don't know what to do....

I'll tell you what I would do. whether I wanted to or not. I would go out and find myself someone that made ME Happy obviousally this man is cheating for a reason, not happy maybe or has an addiction maybe, or there is simply something missing. I dont know the reason. Maybe LEAD him to Beleive you are doing the same......That should stop it!
You dont actually HAVE to physically go out ahd DO IT.But lead him to believe you are, change your habits......stay out later, spray some mens colonge on at the shopping center. etc..... Providing he's not abusive any other way than running.....

I hope this works for you IF you try it. IT did me!!! BYW sometimes it just bordom. The correct thing to do is sit down and talk to him, ask him why, tell him you know and such, IF you are ready for an arguement and ready to move on ONLY. Not saying thats what is going to happen but, it might so be prepared.

Good Luck My dear.... I wish you were here beside me, I'd help yu thru this.

 

[Sassy Hassy]

How on earth have I missed this thread? My heart is over flowing with the friendship that is shared by people who have mainly never met, but through a shared profession we are like family. I have spent ages going through each post and am amazed at how complex all our lives are.

Now River hunny, you have several areas to look at here. 1. Your self respect, 2. your finances 3. your legal rights.

1. Without going into my murky past I was with a man who gradually brought me down with his emotional torments. he would say I disrepected him with my fat tummy - I WAS A SIZE 10!!! and all the other stuff as well. In the end I believed him, I though I was pig ugly and that no other man would ever want to look at me, so I might as wel sty with him. I had no self respect, self esteem or self confidence and it has taken me years to look in a mirror and not think that an ugly old bag is staring back. So the longer you stay in this house then the more you have to lose emotionally.

2. I stayed with my ex because I feared a future alone with 2 young girls to look after. I honestly thought I could not survive on my own, I put up with all the aggro just to have a roof over my head. Since leaving, my girls have gone without and watched all their friends get it handed to them on a plate. Sadly it made them wordly wise very young, but they know the sense of self achievement and not being handed it on a plate. Surviving on your own without him will give you the biggest sense of self achievement that money just can't buy. So waht if you have a grotty little room, with a lick of paint and few feminine touches it'll become your home. IT WILL BE YOURS, and I bet your bottom dollar that even though it may be a pokey little hole, you'll be a hell of a lot happier than where you are now.

You think you can't afford to move out, but I'll tell you I may have to rob Peter to pay Paul and visit their friends John and Jim, but the bills get paid. I may have had to eat beans on toast for a week, but I didn't starve. And I always had a roof over my head. Somehow you survive, and once you have survived you'll be able to truly live again. And once you can live again, you can be happy again. If yous tay where you are you will never be happy.

3. GO AND GET A FREE CONSULTATION WITH A SOLICITOR SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE ENTITILED TO.

Finally, it is very easy for us all to sit here and give advice, but when you are in the thick of it you don't think straight, you just want someone to wave a magic wand and be your fairy godmother and sort it for you. Hunny, that ain't gonna happen. Right now you fell like s*** with nowhere to turn, staying seems easier than going, and to be honest for a while it would be. BUT, when you have left and things start to turn good for you then you will look back and think why did you stay all that time.

And your 7 years with this man is not wated time. You will become stronger as a result, you will learn from it and grow from it and be a braver, better person.

I so wish I could be your fairy godmother, but only you can take that brave leap into the unknown.

 

[Lellipop]

Hi River,
I think its very hard when you've reached rock bottom to have enough self believe in yourself, You have taken the first step by speaking out about how YOU feel (Lots of women will hide away from this). I can't tell you to leave this man thats up to you, But try to see 10 years down the line, Perhaps you will still be with this man he could still be cheating on you and taking you for granted, Or perhaps you will have moved on and even be with someone who really loves you and treats you right. We have only one life what we do with it is up to us, You have a choice stay or leave its a very hard choice probably the hardest thing you will ever have to decide. But think about yourself and what you deserve from a relationship, You deserve to be happy, You don't want to look back and regret your life.
I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[scattyfox]

River just to let you know, the Citizens advice bureau have free solictors although you normally have to go in the evenings to see them. tehya re normally the more expereinced solictors who have soemthign to give back to the community. Use these facilities to your advantage, you are ina anightmare position financially but it cannot get any worse, tehy cannot take what you don't ahve, in fact you may find they help yout o relaise more cash to live on and help with your situation with the property, looking back it sound slike one of the other geeks has had soem sort of law trainign so contact her for further details so youc an state your case.

wishing you the best of luck babe
x

 

[River]

Hi Everyone,

Thought I'd give you an update on what's been happening.

I confronted him on Thursday evening and various things happened that some of you geeks know about. But to cut a long story short, I was told it was a bit of harmless fun and meant nothing and he doesn't understand why I am reacting the way I am (can you believe that !!)

The woman who has been sending the messages, is his friend in Scotland's girlfriend, and she's been sending the messages on behalf of her two friends. He said he only briefly met the one friend and only spoke to the other one on the phone and has never met her. Now, I will spare you all the details of these messages, but as previously mentioned, they didn't leave much for the imagination.

When I asked them why two women who he has only briefly met and the other one who he has only spoken to, would send these types of messages unless he has given them "permission" to send these types of messages, or unless things have gone a bit further than just a casual chat. He kept saying that I was just some harmless fun and that nothing happened.

I decided to call his friends girlfriend earlier today to find out a bit more. I was perfectly calm and reasonable throughout the conversation. I introduced myself has his fiance (which I am) and proceeded to explain to her that I'm a bit concerned about the messages that she's been sending my partner from her phone on behalf of her friends. She said that she didn't know what I was talking about and that I must have the wrong number. I asked her if she was X and that she was Y girlfriend, to which she replied yes, and then I asked if this is her number and she said yes. I then said that the messages have been coming from this number which she has just confirmed is her mobile number.

She then immediatly said that she refuses to have this conversation with me and that I should talk to my partner. I explained to her that I have, but that I am now talking to her as I would like to know why she seems to think it's OK to send messages like that on behalf of her friends to my partner. She then also said that it was just some fun. I said that I am sorry, but from where I'm standing, it doesn't look harmless at all and how would she feel if I sent messages like that to her boyfriend. She said that she wouldn't care. I continued to ask her if she would be kind enough to explain to me why she is doing it and she eventually said that she refuses to have the conversation with me and hung up.

Now, if this was all so harmless, why did she get so defensive ?? If you've got nothing to hide, why react that way ?

I will be calling Iain's friend later today, seeing as he is my friend as well, and see if he's aware of all of this.


River

PS: Fran, thanks for your number and I will be calling you later tonight.

PPS: Thanks everyone for all your advice and support, I really appreciate it !!

 

[jac extreme]

Hi River,

I have only just read this thread, I have never been through anything like this myself, so I just wanted to send you a :hug: and wish you all the best whatever you do, hope you are ok.

 

[Sassy Hassy]

But to cut a long story short, I was told it was a bit of harmless fun and meant nothing and he doesn't understand why I am reacting the way I am (can you believe that !!)

Cut off his gonads and say, why are you over reacting? it's just a harmless bit of fun! think he might chnage his attitude!

 

[bimbogeri]

Sounds to me like both your other half and this girl are up to something dodgy - why on earth would she text him on her friends' behalf? I would bet here that it's HER sending the messages, hence her reaction.
'A harmless bit of fun' - the stock reaction of a man who's been caught out. 'Why are you overreacting, dear?' - heard it myself too many times with an ex who actively chased other girls whilst we were together (even admitting to mutual friends he was after them) and then just made it seem like I was paranoid when I found out.

At the end of the day, hun, what it comes down to is the value you put on YOURSELF, and that value should never be monetary (sp?). When you stay with someone who makes you feel like crap, and yet you still end up tied to them (either financially or emotionally), you run the risk of ending up feeling that it's all that you deserve, and when you hit that bottom, believe me it's a LONG way back up. As Sassy said, whilst you may scrimp and save if you leave, the sense of achievement you will get and the boost of self esteem will be well worth it in the long run. Walk out with your head held high and let him carry on screwing up his own life, he'll get his just desserts in the end, and when that day happens you can look down on him and just laugh.

 

[Sassy Hassy]

Walk out with your head held high and let him carry on screwing up his own life, he'll get his just desserts in the end, and when that day happens you can look down on him and just laugh.

Been there, done that and got cramp from laughing so much - IT'S A GREAT FEELING!

 

[fiona01406]

Seems to me that your finding all the excuses NOT to leave!!
He's a total arse - ditch him & find someone better. He has totally ruined your confidence. You say your getting old - wow I wish I was 28 again! How many women have left their sh*tbag partners that have been a hell of a lot older than 28? AND MADE A BETTER LIFE FOR THEMSELVES.
You say you have put on weight - so do something about it!! sorry to be cruel - BUT ONLY YOU CAN DO IT. But please remember most men dont want stick insects for partners!! You only feel like crap cos he has brain washed you into thinking that.
Your better than him - get Gloria Gaynors 'I will surive' song & blast that out full belt or Sofie Ellis Bextors 'Get over you' Its amazing how some songs can make you feel better!!
You aint going nowhere with him - stop wasting your time, effot & life on a complete wan*er.
I left my partner 10 years ago with nothing and through hard work, (I had a full time job & I got a couple of part time jobs - yes, working 7 days a week was hard! ) I managed. I was lucky enough to buy (or should I say mortgage) a house on my own AND find a perfect fella (well almost perfect - he snores).
IT CAN BE DONE - but its bloody hard work!!
If you keep pulling yourself down - thats where you'll end up! YOU MUST BE POSITIVE.
Im sorry to be mean - but by the sounds of things you need a kick up the backside.
I do feel for you, Ive been there - sympathy works but a slap in the face wakes you up.
I wish you luck.

 

[River]

Hi Fiona,

The statements that I posted weren't excuses but facts and issues I'm really scared and worried about.

HOWEVER, after reading all the posts of support and encouragement, and speaking to my best friend and sister, I have managed to "overcome" these fears and go on with my life. You are right, sympathy does help, but a kick up the bum also helps.

I am currently looking for a place to stay, and there might be some light at the end of the tunnel for me as a friend of my best friend is in a bit of a fix at the moment as well and is possibly looking for a lodger. I am going to meet her hopefully next week and we are going to see if we like each other etc, and fingers crossed, something will work out. If it doesn't then it's back to the drawing board.

I have also discussed the money that is due to me with my ex, and it seems that we can sort that issue out pretty quickly. However, he has taken the certificates and valuation of my engagement ring out of the safe and taken them to work as he doesn't want me to have them. That is another issue and I will find out what my legal rights are about that.

All of these things still scare me, but I realise that I need to leave. It's not going to be easy, but I need to do if for myself, he is no good for me. Everybody has been really supportive and I know that when things get tuff, I can always turn to you guys for advice and support and encouragement.

You are also right when you say that he has brain-washed me into believing so many bad things about myself, and that will also take a while to get over and realise that "Hey, I'm not that bad looking", "Hey, people still find me attractive and think I'm a nice person". He has left many scars that will take time to heal.

But as they say, onwards and upwards. I can only hope that things will go better for me even though I'm sure there will be times when I will be thinking "What was I thinking?".

River

 

[colorflair]

Good for you Hunny - nice to see you are doing something about him!!! and getting your self confidence back a little - remember - Rome wasn't built in a day - but you are doing the right thing - Chin up and goodluck with your meeting next week - I am sure you will get on like a house on fire xxxxxx

 

[Fingertips ND]

It is so much harder to leave someone when you haven't got solid proof though isn't it hun!

I really do understand you on this.

I had people saying Richards done this, Richards done that and I never wanted to believe it and kept thinking that they were lying.

It wasn't until a pregnant girl arrived on my doorstep that I had all the proof I needed!

 

[AMWoolfries]

Hi Everyone,

I know this has been discussed a while ago, but what would you do if you found out your partner whas cheating and confronting him would mean losing everything you had and walking out with the clothes on your back with very little money to go anywhere else ?

Apologies, I know this isn't about nails, but need to get some advice .......


River

I have not used the site before, so hope you get this ok.....
Read the same book twice you get the same ending...he will continue to cheat because that is his nature. You gave him a chance and he didn't take it. Go to the Citizens advice, they give good advice for money problems. If you have a lot of debt consider bankruptcy, it will have future ramifications financially, but nothing you can't get round in time. Please do something so that you can be happy, because life is too short to be in a relationship like the one you are in. Would you not consider going home to South Africa and your family? Good luck
Annmarie

 

[fiona01406]

I hope the meeting with your friend goes ok. You say he's taken the agreement paper - well if it was done by a solicitor, they would have kept a copy - see them. valuation form for the ring - I doubt if that means much as if you sell second hand rings you normally only get the 'scrap' value for it. Anyway any good jewellers can do valuations.
We all know your scared and are all behind you.
But you have done something most of us wouldnt dare to do - leave your home county & start somewhere new.
There IS light at the end of that tunnel - at the moment its a long way off and its pretty foggy! But if you just sit at the end and just keep looking, you'll never make it.
Emotional scars are the longest to heal - why not try hypnosis?! It may help.
A thought about tha cat - if things are a bid bumpy to start with, if you cant keep the cat with you for a while, you could try the Cats Protection (or any other cat rescue) - explain the situation to them, maybe they would look after him/her for a while until you were sorted.
Most rentals say no pets but whats the harm in asking them if you can have a cat. My friend split with her cheating husband & she had a dog - her rental said no pets but she asked about keeping her dog & they said ok but they upped the rent another £10 . So its worth just asking.
Good luck & take care
Fiona

 

[fiona01406]

Just a thought.......


re - the text messages - 'it was just a bit of fun................'

well how about all us lot having 'just a bit of fun' with him

give us he mobile number & we can all send him a text - just for a bit of fun of course!!!!

ha ha ha!!!!!