Feeling vulnerable

[Pinkbunny28]

Hi all. I ummed and ahhed about writing here. Some of you may have realised I've split up with my fiance. It has been messy and I just feel very vulnerable right now. I feel like I got away before the verbal abuse turned into physical smacking and the control issue worsened, but even so, I don't like being on my own and I'm not used to it. I was with him for 4 years and previous to that I'd had relationships that had covered about 18 months so I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm lucky in that my friends are looking after me (even had a boy I've known for years offer to take me for a drive so I can rant haha).

I feel like the last 4 months I've changed into a very scared individual with low self esteem, something that I definitely did not want. It has really shaken me but I now realise that if I had to lie about how I received injuries, it was never going to be right.

I've got to admit that although it was mostly between us that it didn't work, his parents had a lot to do with why it didn't. In the end, they had the final say, which is completely wrong. He made the break up messy by refusing to cooperate with me getting my things back (I have mostly everything and actually I'm better off now!).

I think I'm so upset because I know I didn't cause it. Ok, I contributed, but it was not my fault and I can't let myself feel that it was, or is. I feel vulnerable because he will definitely say things that aren't true about me. At the end of the day, him and his parents have a lot more to lose if they try anything as I have a lot of dirt on them but I wouldn't do that unless I had no option.

I'm not sure what I want anyone to say, I just need a little advice on the best way forward please? Just feel a bit lost. x

 

[virtues2011]

Hi all. I ummed and ahhed about writing here. Some of you may have realised I've split up with my fiance. It has been messy and I just feel very vulnerable right now. I feel like I got away before the verbal abuse turned into physical smacking and the control issue worsened, but even so, I don't like being on my own and I'm not used to it. I was with him for 4 years and previous to that I'd had relationships that had covered about 18 months so I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm lucky in that my friends are looking after me (even had a boy I've known for years offer to take me for a drive so I can rant haha).

I feel like the last 4 months I've changed into a very scared individual with low self esteem, something that I definitely did not want. It has really shaken me but I now realise that if I had to lie about how I received injuries, it was never going to be right.

I've got to admit that although it was mostly between us that it didn't work, his parents had a lot to do with why it didn't. In the end, they had the final say, which is completely wrong. He made the break up messy by refusing to cooperate with me getting my things back (I have mostly everything and actually I'm better off now!).

I think I'm so upset because I know I didn't cause it. Ok, I contributed, but it was not my fault and I can't let myself feel that it was, or is. I feel vulnerable because he will definitely say things that aren't true about me. At the end of the day, him and his parents have a lot more to lose if they try anything as I have a lot of dirt on them but I wouldn't do that unless I had no option.

I'm not sure what I want anyone to say, I just need a little advice on the best way forward please? Just feel a bit lost. x

Pinkbunny ... it's going to take time. You won't get over it straight away. If you feel you need some help do it professionally. Seek some counseling, this may help you see things through a less blurry lens as I'm sure it's all been a bit of a shock for you and you probably have lots to come to terms with. In a relationship breakup you need time to grieve and heal, this doesn't happen overnight. Yes he probably will say things about you. .. but so what. It sounds like you had a lucky escape from something that could have escalated into a much worse situation. X

Sent from my GT-N7100 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[Pinkbunny28]

Thanks virtues. I need to just back up, make some new friends, hang out with those I've got and stay strong. Finding it very hard to not have that one person I can talk to about anything x

Sent from my GT-I9300 using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[w1nnie]

When you say 'hang out with those I've got' do you mean friends ?

Counselling never worked for me, but it helps some people, just keep yourself with good company, it will take time, but try counselling, you never know it could help.

You did the right thing breaking off with him. Now keep it that way, he sounds a control freak, I've met plenty of those, stay away, you've us here to vent off to :hug:

 

[Nikki May]

This sounds cliche but one day at a time, try not to spend to much time worrying about the future, it happens anyway, so just get through each day as best you can right now. X

Sent from my ST23i using SalonGeek mobile app

 

[Steph86]

Aww ive been there, big hugs! But it was after a huge physical bust up that I ended it... Well ran away & pressed charges.

Try to keep yourself busy, make plans, pamper yourself, get lost in a good book. Im not sure of your situation job wise but I got myself another part time job -evenings in a pub so that took up some of my evenings & weekends & although I wasn't 'out' I was surrounded by people & occupied.

Hopefully him & his Mum & Dad will stay out of it once they know its over for sure. Change your number & your locks if needs be... (I actually moved as I was renting, to my mums, then saved & got my own apartment near my friends I also got my dog, to help me feel safe & to stop me being lonely.) no contact at all is best, remove his friends from Facebook & block him so he cant message you. Stand tall & if they do slag you off, keep your chin up & rise above it.
My exs mum was apparently calling me rotten over a washing basket & ironing board? Yes your son violently assaulted me, I'm really going to return those two items?!

As Winnie said, it will take time, talk to us if needs be. Xx

 

[tonicj]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low Pinkbunny and then again I am glad that you had the courage to recognise when it was time for you to move on. Every day that passes will be a day closer in the healing process. I once had a conversation with my daughter about her beautiful friend who was in a terrible relationship for 4 years. Because it was 4 years, she said that she didn't want it all to have been a waste of time and continued on, even though she knew it wasn't right. My daughter spoke to me about it and I told her to tell her friend that she should think of those 4 years as a very long intensive course that she had been on and she has come out of it highly qualified in knowing what she is and is not prepared to put up with in the future. Tell yourself every day that you deserve the best and hopefully soon you will believe in that. As for your ex and his family talking about you, you won't have any power over that i'm afraid. The only thing I would say is to try to ignore what they say (I know that is easier said than done), but don't get into tit for tat. Keep your dignity at all times. We can't control what other people do and say, but we can control how we ourselves respond. I wish you well, and hope you can look back on this someday and know you did the right thing xx :hug:

 

[Deeders]

It can sometimes take a lot of courage to reverse yourself out of a relationship, so well done you. You need to believe 100% that none of the way he is, was your fault - you are the better person. And I know that it will be hard sometimes, when you suddenly think of a good, wonderful moment that you both shared, but honestly you need to let these go and put it down to a massive learning curve.

You will come through this and look back putting it down to experience but in the meantime, as mentioned by others, just live one day at a time. Keep your true friends close and they will be there for you in your hour of need, but please, please believe that you will do this, you will get through it and eventually find someone who loves you for who and what you are and give you the respect you deserve. Keep loving yourself, keep your head high and concentrate on living your life. You can do it xx :hug:

 

[Pinkbunny28]

ahhhhh just wana give him a good old punch in the face for being such an idiot lol! it was just all a bit sudden, though I'm not surprised. It wasn't like the relationship was gradually getting worse exactly, we always had our fights like any other couple, but it was a good few days with no problems, and then he just lost his marbles and started screaming at me soon as he came home... not sure why, but eventually I walked out. I need to close the chapter but can't because he has refused to cooperate. I'm sad the relationship has broken up but I don't feel like I miss him exactly, I've got mixed emotions because I love the good things but hate the bad things about him and there's more bad than good to be honest. I'm sure there will be someone better out there for me, someday. Just glad I didn't waste any more time or end up married with babies before this happened x