How to deal with friends who let you down when your grieving

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laurat

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Hi geeks,

I just wanted to get an outsider opinion on what I'm going through at the moment.

I very suddenly lost my 32 year old brother 2 weeks ago and today was the day of his funeral. We as a family have been coping well by remembering all the happy memories. I refuse to sit moping as I know full well he would never want that and would go stir crazy himself.

My question I'm putting to you is this...how do you deal with friends who haven't been there for you?

Now I live in Australia but grew up in Enfland. So this is aimed at my oldest friends. My partners friends have even amazing and have messages him everyday asking how we are and sent flowers. My best friend and a few others have also been wonderful.

There are some 4 people who I considered to be my closest friends that have spoken to me once in the 2 weeks. I really feel they have let me down and left me feeling quite lonely. I completely understand that not everyone knows what to say in this situation but even a text to say they are thinking of us is all I would have needed.

I'm not confrontational but I'm really annoyed at them. One messaged me 2 days ago and I did say in a reply that I was waiting to hear from him and was a bit happier now he had messaged. To which he said Noone knows what to say.(in a nice way)

What would you do? I never like to kick up a fuss, I look after everyone but myself and if it hasn't been something so serious I would of brushed it aside.

Any opinions?

Laura xxx
 

squidgernetball

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I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, and then the friends that let you down. I have had great tragedies throughout my life, and have come to the conclusion that some people are just crap in situations like this. I believe that to say anything is better than saying nothing at all, but I know a lot of people find it hard. Try and think of the qualities of those friends. Even with all I have been through, I am rubbish when awful things happen to my friends. I know I am - it's just how I am. You'll also find some people are great, often those you don't know well. They are sometimes the ones who love a drama.

A friend was in hospital with cancer that really came out of the blue. She ended up feeling that her hospital bed was the new social area for some of her friends - a lot of them not that close to her, but they suddenly had a mission to visit her - often every night. They would sit and talk over her, and end the evening by all going to the pub together. She thought is was very odd, but they thought they were being great friends.

Try not to judge too harshly. Some friends are great for a knees up, and some can surprise you with their kind thoughts and gestures. Some like me, know how you feel but are still a bit rubbish. Try and forgive them!!!
With love,
Vicki
 

Redduck

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I'm sure your friends are thinking about you but sometimes the longer we leave it the harder it gets to say anything.

I used to come into the category of not having a clue about what to say or do. I then spent ages feeling bad about doing nothing. It's so difficult as you want to say something meaningful but often it sounds insincere or as though you don't have a clue so you still end up saying nothing.

I still don't know what to say but I send a card, phone or sometimes just text as people tell me afterwards that it does help them.

Sending you hugs and I hope your friends find a way of showing you that they do care xx
 

laurat

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Hi ladies,

Thanks for your replies.i know you are both right so I won't let this affect friendships. Just hard at the moment!

Thank you for helping my mind hehe

Xxxx
 

marion

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Maybe they are waiting for you to approach them. They might be giving you space to grieve.
Why not call them, and see how it goes.
Sorry for your loss

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dandelionpoppy

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I am so sorry about your brother.

Many of your friends will not have faced the death of a loved one, and they will be totally at a loss how to react. I'm sure that they are thinking about you constantly, but are terrified of making things worse for you by saying the wrong thing. Of course when they don't say anything it's the worse choice.
 

HairbyCass

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I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my brother 13 years ago, he was 21.

Something I have come to learn is that people just don't know what to say to you in these circumstances.
Should they ask you how you are? Well that's just silly because they know you've been better.
Should they say they're sorry? Why should they be sorry it's not their fault.
Should they offer understanding? How could they possibly understand.
You get where I'm going. They care very much for you and are thinking of you. More often than not they say nothing because they are worried about causing more upset. Even with the kindest of intentions. There were two other boys in the car with my brother. I said to one of the boys sisters, with the intent of making her feel better (I was 11) "at least he will be in heaven with his mum now". She had died 6 months earlier of cancer. So you can imagine the upset that brought on.

They love you very much. It's the hardest of times for everyone to deal with.
 

Nats10

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Sorry for your loss xxx
 

Devonnaydf

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Hi geeks,

I just wanted to get an outsider opinion on what I'm going through at the moment.

I very suddenly lost my 32 year old brother 2 weeks ago and today was the day of his funeral. We as a family have been coping well by remembering all the happy memories. I refuse to sit moping as I know full well he would never want that and would go stir crazy himself.

My question I'm putting to you is this...how do you deal with friends who haven't been there for you?

Now I live in Australia but grew up in Enfland. So this is aimed at my oldest friends. My partners friends have even amazing and have messages him everyday asking how we are and sent flowers. My best friend and a few others have also been wonderful.

There are some 4 people who I considered to be my closest friends that have spoken to me once in the 2 weeks. I really feel they have let me down and left me feeling quite lonely. I completely understand that not everyone knows what to say in this situation but even a text to say they are thinking of us is all I would have needed.

I'm not confrontational but I'm really annoyed at them. One messaged me 2 days ago and I did say in a reply that I was waiting to hear from him and was a bit happier now he had messaged. To which he said Noone knows what to say.(in a nice way)

What would you do? I never like to kick up a fuss, I look after everyone but myself and if it hasn't been something so serious I would of brushed it aside.

Any opinions?

Laura xxx
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to a drug overdose when he was 19. That was 9 years ago. I had friends who were there and those who weren't. It could be they hadn't heard or they weren't able to take off work. Just try to take care of yourself, you're friends will come around. Reach out to them. It takes time.

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eternalscot

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Some people are amazing during this time some not so much! You will learn to understand these people have probably not gone through being bereft. It's manners to put a bit effort in and SHOW you know that the person WAS valuable to the bereaved. I was amazed at the clients who turned up to offer me support at my mothers funeral at least 20 and the family and neighbours that come out the woodwork. MOST people are decent kind people and please focus on this!
 

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