Please Help

[ALEX]

Sorry to use this nail board as a self help line but I really need some help and advice about my life.

I have been with my boyfriend for five happy year and can't begin to explain how I love him. On feb 26th this year we drove from home in Lancashire to London as I had planned to go to the beauty show on the 27th. When we arrived in London we went to TGI Fridays, our favourite eating place but more importantly were we had our first date(I was studing in London at the time). As soon as we got to the table my boyfriend made me the happiest girl alive and asked me to marry him. Without hesitation I said yes. The next day at the nail and beauty show I couldnt concentrate and left early so we could talk excitedly about the future together which he seem more than happy to do.

Since then I have been on cloud nine, however I noticed my boyfriend seemed distant. When I asked why he was quite he said there was a lot on at work and things would be fine soon, so I accepted this. On Friday I finished work early as my final nail client was a no show. To my surprise when I was driving home I saw my boyfriend in his car with his very attractive,23 year old, MARRIED secretary. When I confronted him about being with her I was very calm at first because I thought there may be a reasonable answer for them to be together. His answer did quite fit and to my horror he admitted he has strong feelings for her. He denies things have gone on between them but I can't believe this as when I look back there have been many things that haven't added up.

As you may understand my world has fallen apart and im feeling lost and lonely with the man I thoght was my soul mate (I always used to think how lucky I was to have found him). If anyone can give any advice how I can move on and ease my pain please help, I really don't know what to do with myself.x

 

[myle83]

This must be a very difficult time for you :sad: If he admitted that he did have strong feelings for this woman, obviously he is very confused about the way he feels & really, he shouldnt of proposed to you. I mean, had you not spotted them, I very doubt he would of told you. In that case, what other things hasnt he told you? I know trust is a key element in a relationship, but in times like this, and events like this, the trust seems to break very easily.

I hate it when I hear situations like this, because it makes you really loose faith in men.. and come to the conclusion that they are all PIGS!!!! Argh!

At the end of the day, you need to go with how you feel & if you really believe what he says or not.. 5years is a long time to throw away!
But at the same time, you dont want to be lumbered with a liar.

If he's confused about his feelings for this woman, he cant be feeling 100% with you & thats what I would worry about. Surely, if he loved you enough to propose to you, his feelings should be 100% all with you!

Remember, you shouldnt have to play second best to anyone!!!

I hope that helps

xx

 

[angel fingers]

omg, you must be in pieces. why the hell would he propose to you then do this ?i suppose the only advice i can give you, is dont go clutching at straws,the benefit of experience has shown me that this only prolongs the agony.expect to feel like sh-t for a good while, its only natural, you must not punish yourself for not knowing or for someway deserving or causing the problem.after time passes you will be able to see that this was just one of those things, we cant help the feelings we have, and often a bad situation can lead on to a good one. at least youve got ya geeks :hug:

 

[Jaffacake]

I agree with Myle, trust is the most important thing. I made the mistake with my 1st husband, together 5 yrs before we married and I already knew that he told porkies! not usually great big ones but enough to get caught out when things didnt add up! wasnt other women (i dont think) but money, where he'd been (anywhere but the pub!) etc etc. Dont make the same mistake that I made and marry him only to wake up 7 years down the line and realise what a massive mistake you've made ~ but now there are 2 children involved too...... I'd call it lucky that you found out before you are married and at least you have the option to stay with him or find someone else who can give you 100%

I am now married to my soul mate and have never been happier. Once you have experienced what it should be like you realise what you didnt have before...... good luck to you in whatever you decide.....

 

[chrisbow]

Hi Alex

I know that you will be on a roller coaster of emotions right now - fine one minute and really rock bottom the next. As myle83 said it comes down to trust. You both need to be totally honest with each other - if he has not got 100% feelings for you and he is going to be feeling more for this other woman then maybe the time has come to let go. 5 years is a long time in a relationship and it knocks you off your feet when the other person behaves in way that you would never have expected.

Its very difficult for anyone to pass comment on what you should do - you will probably find that there will be two camps - one saying that you should get rid and the other saying that you should work it out. Its really got to be a decision for you both to make. Whichever way it goes you will have the support of this site. Do some real soul searching to see what you want to do.
Lots of love and hugs coming to you at this time :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tiger Jay]

Oh Alex, what can I say , you really have gone through the mill there.

Unfortunately I really can't give you any right or wrong answers, its kinda down to you. (Which really doesn't help)

However, try and see if you can concentrate on your career more, you know, throw yourself in to it. Sometimes its the only way. Otherwise you may find that everything suddenly revolves around this situation and YOU are left with nothing. (I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I really don't mean to be...)

I think that now is the time for you to put yourself first. It won't change the situation but it will help you to deal with things, what ever happens.

The last thing you want to do is let him see you in a state, so try and give the impression that you're strong and independant. (Even if you don't feel like it) It may make him think a little about things.

Good Luck
My thoughts are with you.x

 

[Bagpuss]

Hiya xxx

How terrible for you, i feel for you.

I am not saying that you should do this..but its what i would do.

I am a bit of a treat em mean keep em keen person. I have found that the moment you give them every part of you they take it all and let you down. I would tell him that he needs to sort his head out cos you arnt coming 2nd to anyone. Also SHE must know he is spoken for so whats her game !!!! is she messing with his head.
He is a adult not a child, things only happen if we allow them to, he has allowed this to happen and he has the power to stop it, if he wants to. If he really loves you then 1. he wouldn't have let this happen and 2. he would do whatever it takes to stop this and so not hurt you anymore. Why do some men always think the grass is greener on the other side...then they get there and hey hum in a few years time they are right back where they started from.
They get confused with passion and love. If he is prepared to kick her to the curb and sort himself out, then great, stick with him. If not ... get rid. Otherwise he will always be tempted by a pretty girl and each time your confidence is going to get knocked, till there is none left. You are a great person, and you deserve a great person to love you and respect you. If thats not him, then its not meant to be, But you will find him.

Loads and loads of luv and hugs to you babes. don't let him make you feel that you've done something wrong, you haven't, i think SHE has alot to answer for.
xxxxx

 

[Lellipop]

Hi Alex,
Oh I feel for you babe, having met you and seeing that your an attractive young lady. All I can say is that he's a fool, If it was me I would dump him and if he really loves you he will go to hell and back to get you back.
Hope you sort it out Alex, But if you can't trust him thats no basis for a marriage.

 

[ALEX]

Thanks for your support and kind word. One thing I didn't explain is he hasn't contacted me since I walked out and the way he told me he had feelings for this other woman I think meant he was choosing her over me. Thats whats making the situation worse because I'm pining for the loss of who I thought was my soul mate and I know he will b with her.

 

[Lellipop]

Thanks for your support and kind word. One thing I didn't explain is he hasn't contacted me since I walked out and the way he told me he had feelings for this other woman I think meant he was choosing her over me. Thats whats making the situation worse because I'm pining for the loss of who I thought was my soul mate and I know he will b with her.

Alex I know its hard at the moment but you may have had a lucky escape.
Imagine if you had married this guy, Had children with him and then this happened.
I know you wont think this at the moment, But if he's a person who can propose to his long term girlfriend and then betray her in a moment of lust, he's not marriage material.
You deserve a man who will love you and respect you and stay with you no matter what happens.
Take Care xxxxxxxxx

 

[chrisbow]

You deserve a man who will love you and respect you and stay with you no matter what happens.

Totally agree.

 

[Rose143]

Hi Alex,

My God I feel so bad for you sweetheart makes me feel like crying cause this happened to my sister about 2 years ago and I never forgave the guy. She also went out with him for five years, the good thing here for you is that he admitted to it when you asked, my sisters boyfriend was texting this other girl for months and still denied it when my sister asked. Then she found emails and text messages that he was going to the bathroom to reply to and she always asked him why he took his phone with to the bathroom, he couldn't answer.

I think everybody that has replied has given some brilliant advice!! It's not gonna be easy hun. I would suggest you accept that he was never meant for you because you deserve someone who will treat you the same way you treat them. Trust is a major thing in a relationship without that you have nothing. Trust takes years to build and seconds to destroy it.

Alex I agree with Angie, I also do what she does and it works for me as well. Don't give them your all, do it in small bits, yes I know it's not fair to the really good guys but at least they know where they stand with you and they know they have to earn your trust in them. I did that with my boyfriend I have now and he said it was the hardest relationship he's ever been in to get me to open up to him, hey he still stuck around and he has done for nearly four years but he won't throw it away very fast because he had to work so hard at me.

I was also cheated on before and I programmed my mind to thinking that I never felt a thing for him ever, I told myself this everyday. It made me stronger and the days easier, also what worked for me and doesn't for everyone.

You are a strong girl and this will make you even stronger. Good thing you found out now hun also you were very brave to approach him, I know of many girls who are too scared of what they might hear that they end up paying for it later.

We are all here for you anytime you feel sad sweetheart, we are your best friends and love you very much. :hug:

Lots of kisses and big hugs to you :Love:

Thinking of you always!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Kim Lawless]

Oh sweetie...............my heart goes out to you.

Ok, here's my pennies worth. Don' t do anything hasty. Tell him that for the time being that the engagements on hold. Don't even discuss plans for the future. Phone little miss screw around (the secretary) and tell her that he's come clean and you're going to call her husband. Don't say when (if even you don't intend to).....let her suffer the way you've suffered the past few days.

Then, when you speak with your fella, BE STRONG. Give it "Well, I just don't know if if feel the same way as I did about you anymore." Then tell him, you need a bit of space and start going out with your mates more. That'll put the s**ts up him.

SOME men (I said some, not all) are very easily taken in by a bit of flattery so forgive him that. I believe in fate and your last appointment being cancelled and you seeing him was fate.

Whatever you do, don't act the victim. Even if acting strong doesn't keep him (and you will), at least you'll be seen as one ballsy lady.

So..................HEAD HIGH and BE STRONG. When in doubt, always remember these wise words spoken by Lily Savage. "The way to a mans heart is through his back with a Stanley knife." :wink2:

Let us all know how you get on .................WE'RE ALL HERE BEHIND YOU. :hug:

 

[inspirations]

I do feel so sorry for you. It is heart wrenching when this happens.

I know this sounds brutal...but, DUMP HIM and move on.

He is like this before you get married, he's sure as hell gonna do it when you get married!!

I am sorry to sound like this, but where men are concerned, not one of them is worth this pain!!

Speaking from experience that is!! There is always somebody waiting for you and even if you don't find them straight away...there is nothing wrong with being single.....learn to love and respect yourself again... relationships can strip us of this ability!!!

You are worth far more than this...you deserve somebody you can trust and love, who feels the same about you!!!
:Love: :hug: :hug: :hug: :Love:

 

[dee]

oh i really feel for you , when i was younger i was with a total s*** bag and i did everything for him, then he got a new job , and i knew in my gut he was cheating, but seeing as he owed me a lot of money, decided i wouldnt dump him till i got it back :biggrin: , well it only happened my sister caught him with the skank, then it gave me the excuse to dump the little worm, he came crawling back, and even had the cheek to have a go at me for copping off with some bloke :biggrin: in a nightclub(cheeky t***) but i couldnt stand him , he made me feel sick but even 4 years later he was trying to get back with me , when i was with my bloke , i did however get my money back :biggrin: ,so my advice is dont be messed about !! you are worth more than that , and there are loads of decent blokes about which will treat you right, and i always find it helps if you act a bit evil to em , it keeps em in check , lol
good luck hun xx

 

[Kim Lawless]

and there are loads of decent blokes about which will treat you right

I agree with everything you've said apart from that bit.

Where are they all? You know it's weird but I know a number of very attractive, funny, solvent women who cannot get a bloke. One of my friends has men drooling over her when we go out. She is sooooooooooooooo pretty and has everything going for her. However, although these blokes want to chat to her because of her looks and amazing personality, she never ever gets asked out. Don't understand it. Yet, you get these plain little women who have nothing to say for themselves and they always have a date.

If you can, please shed some light on this dilema. x

 

[ALEX]

Kimmie I really dont understand men. I do feel in my case my boyfriend got infatuated with this girl. She has only been a temp at his work since about November but she super attractive her husband and her hav just come over from austalia/new zealand because he plays for Wigan rugby team. I think she has paid my boyfriend attention because she is lonely cus her rugby star husband is away alot and my boyfriend couldn't resist the wife of a rugby player. How sad.

 

[Christine G]

Alex girl, get your shoulders back, chest out, head up and show him that you REALLY don't need him,,,,look forward, there is a reason for everything and this could be a real turning point for you for the better, although it may not seem like it right now.
I bet you that when he see's you bounding alond going from strength to strength he will be running back to you like a sprinter,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,only you can decide if you want him!!!!
The balls in your court, and I feel that deep inside you know what your way ahead is,,,just make sure it's a path that YOU want to take.

From one Lancashire lass to another, you can cope, lasses are made of strong stuff up in them there hills!!

Take care, best wishes, and keep us all informed.


Christine.

 

[Bagpuss]

Oh what a total s**t...you are going to go through a grieving progress, after 5 years it will hurt. BUT....don't ever let him see it. Behind closed doors you can cry and scream but whenever you see him, you give him the i don't give a damn attitude. You are better of without him, honest. Call ya mates...arrange a girls night out and flirt to your hearts content. Your going to be just fine babe !!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[ALEX]

Thanks for all your words and advice, cant stop looking at my phone waiting for it to ring and him to tell me he has made a mistake.