Hiiiii guys!!
As you prob realised from my moaning, I have had ME for 3 years, 'officially diagnosed' last year.
What bought it on?
Well ... According to my consultant, ' living a high life in a short time' .
... I fell pregnant at 15, sadly the baby's heartbeat stopped at just 16 weeks, had to have a d&c to remove baby. 2 months later I was pregnant again (planned) my waters broke at 32 weeks, no contractions etc, tried to induce me at 34 weeks, 16 hours on a drip, my cervix wouldn't dilate, emergency c-section where I hemeragged(?) twice. When my little boy was a week old, he stopped breathing in his Moses basket, took him to the hospital where dr's put it down to forgetting to breathe as he was a little prem. My little boys dad cheated on me 15 times, got 6 other girls pregnant, when my little boy was 6 months old, I had a breakdown, tried to commit suicide (my little boy wasn't with me at the time, I had arranged my mum too look after him that night) I was diagnosed with post natal depression & split personality disorder, my little boy went too live with my mum for 6 months as I felt like he didn't love me and I was no good for him 😭
When my little boy was 6 months old I felt I was stable enough to care for him, in the time I noticed lots of things were 'different' about him, after a year, 36 admissions to the hospital and been told I am a 'young, over protective, depressed parent' my little boy was diagnosed with chronic lung disese, and sleep apnea. At 18 months old he was diagnosed as autistic & deaf in both ears and needed hearing aids, in this time his dad had cheated again, so I ended the relationship for ever, I knew I needed too.
I then found out that he had very nicely got £18.0000 worth of loans & credit cards out in my name. I was devastated, 18, living alone in a 2 bed roomed private rent house with my disabled son, I needed to earn money and quick. So I become a lapdancer/pole dancer, I only started dancing 1 night a week, I soon realised what the money potential was in it, I soon started dancing 5 nights a week from 10pm - 4am, within 3.5 months I was completely out of debt, but the money was still available, I was addicted, I thought about the great life me and my son could lead, I continued lapdancing, we lead a good life, walking round in designer clothes, expensive make up, 3-4 holidays a year, I thought I had it all, I worked 5 nights a week til 4am, was up at 8am with my little boy.
This was all good until I found is physically impossible to get out of bed some days, some days I would be sleeping until 4/5pm, having tea the. spending time with my boy, going to work and by 11pm I was asleep in the corner!!
I thought this was because I was 'doing too much' so I cut down to just 3 nights a week, felt like a failure, felt like I wasn't worth anything, went through a mad 3 months of doing things I shouldn't be doing (taking drugs etc) again diagnosed as depressed, back on medication.
Stopped taking drugs as I was afraid I would become addicted and it wasn't what I wanted so knocked it all 'on the head' instantly by this time I was still is so much pain an exhausted before I knew it, I was working 1 night a week, but too exhausted to dance, been self employed, no dances = no money.
By this time I started having 'ladies problems' which was at first put down to contraception, then possibly damage from drugs, 3 implants later, 1.5 years of contraceptive injections, I was finally referred to colposcopy, which they found cervical cancerous cells, which I had to have lasered off.
Off course all my exhaustion and pain, was then put down to that, fed with more meds etc. I FINALLY got diagnosed after 2 years with ME/fibromyalgia last year after I crawled into the dr's sobbing, saying that I could possibly not take no more of been in contrast pain & missing out on my boys life etc!!
Okay.... I've just realised I've rambled on here and didn't cut a 'long story short' like I was planning on doing.
It's not all bad that has come out of having this horrible illness and my wreckless few years lol, I met an amazing guy who was a doorman at a local club near where I worked, who is now my fiancé, my soul mate, my best friend, my absolute everything.
We have just been through a year and half battle for full custody of his daughter from a previous relationship who was sadly abused by her mum, we now have full custody of her until 2025!!!! 😃
It has also gave me the MASSIVE kick up the ass I needed, to do things I wanted to do, to be what I wanted to be and made me realise that I taking my clothes off for money wasn't what I ever really wanted, it was just a means to an end.... That spiralled well out of control through addiction and not understanding my own thoughts and feelings!!
I do struggle with my ME a lot tbh, I don't want too 'accept the person I have become' because I feel I shouldn't have too at 22 years old!! I feel that if I accept it, i have then accepted a lifetime of this illness, pain, exhaustion, which I am not willing to do!! I do not want this illness and I am deffo not going to give it permission to stay!!
I constantly feel like a let down, failure, useless, to my family, feel like I'm no good for nothing some days, I would say ATM my bad days outweigh my good days 😫
I am on gabapentin and sertraline .. Which is fantastic pain relief, I sort of constantly feel 'floaty' lol, not in pain although I do often hit the horrible 'exhaustion wall' not in pain but physically too exhausted too move!!
Soooooo this is a little about me and how I discovered I had this illness ... That I had never actually heard of before I got diagnosed!!!
HUGS TOO YOU ALL XXX
