Meaningless apology, would you accept?

[smooth]

If someone was to apologise to you and you knew they didn't mean it would you accept it and move on or decline the apology and stand your ground?

I have just had an apology from someone very important for something that happened 16 months ago which ruined my wedding and I know it wasn't a meaningful apology. The apology came in an e-mail and was quickly followed by an attempt to get me to do something that I didn't want to do. So it went along the lines of "I'm sorry about what happened at the wedding, i was wrong, I shouldn't have done it and it's a belated apology........... I know the answer but would you consider......"

I said that I knew they weren't sorry and that I wouldn't consider their request, what would you do?

 

[deanosnana]

I guess it would depend on who the person is and what that person did to ruin your wedding. I think only you will know if you should accept the apology or not. Best of luck!

 

[angel fingers]

i have to admit that i am a pretty unforgiving person and i would probably be the way you are too.
i know they say its healthier to forgive and move on, but i tend to feel that just makes me vulnerable to the next time.

looks to me that you only got the appologie so that they could then ask you for something.

 

[photoqueen]

Do you want them back in your life? Could they hurt you again, I went through this with a close friend and decided life would be more positive without them, so accepted their apology but said I had moved on and wished them well, it didn't go down well, but we are in charge of our own life, not them.
PQ

 

[smooth]

That's exactly what I thought, I only got the apology as he (my husband, yes it was my husband!!) wanted me to do something that he knew I wouldn't do. I know it sounds a bit wierd but it's a long story. He and someone he invited to the wedding ruined the whole day for me, made an absolute mockery of the occassion and it wasn't cheap nor can you re-live the day again. He has now apologised as he wants me to go to socialise with this person and I've said no.

We've only had one anniversary and he was so made up but I didn't want to celebrate it as it just brought back memories of the whole event and it still makes me angry, I have said I won't celebrate the wedding anniversary but I'll celebrate our meeting anniversary which is the day before anyway. Also, that I won't ever be in the same room as this other person as I know I won't be able to hold my tongue. I think it's better to not be around them again to maintain a bit of dignity and not accept his apology as he doesn't mean it, it's 16 months too late. :irked:

 

[photoqueen]

I am great believer in the idea that if we can't fix something in our lives let go of it, to let new experiences in, negative people can block us from enjoying our life.

I used to take things to heart and now move on and put people being insensitive down to a lack of maturity.

PQ

 

[becki x]

I'm the sort of person who gives second chances,after that i'm done. I have lost people i didn't want to but i don't treat others badly,i'm a good person and expect the same back.

It seems you have forgiven him as you're still married BUT it depends on what they did i suppose ........... :hug:

 

[smooth]

I don't like holding grudges, I am the sort of person who if there is someone in my life that is two faced or brings me down I move on and stay away from them which is exactly what I have done with this particular friend of my husband.

I've not forgiven my husband as he was the one who invited that person, knowing how they are around me and he is not sorry for doing that. He knows I don't want to be around that person again, in any circumstances. So now to try to get me to be at a social event where they are going to be he has now apologised for inviting this friend of his in the first place.

 

[angelina221]

I would be livid if my husband apologised to me via email!
It's a bit of a tricky situation for you as it's your husband.
I'm a laid back person and i usually let things go over my head as life is too short for grudges but i would be more upset about the apology than the actual thing he apologised for.
I'd be inclined to forgive (but maybe not forget) so that you can have harmony in your marriage.
I don't envy you! :hug:

 

[julesgems]

Tell him its forgiven and forgotten, however you do not wish to socialise with that person. He should respect your decision and not push it.

Then you have to let your anger/disappointment go and move on. If you don't, it will cloud your relationship with your husband. :hug:

 

[photoqueen]

A good way to get rid of negative energy is to write down on a piece of paper what you have decided and what you want to get rid off/have closure/etc - get a helium filled balloon (the cheap ones you can buy for children), tie your note to it, go outside and make a little ceremony, stating you are ridding yourself of this negative person/energy - let go of the balloon and watch drift away from you forever. Job done!

PQ

 

[smooth]

Angelina 221, me too. It's fine if he doesn't push it but every now and again he does but I'm hoping that he won't try to push it ever again as it causes him to get a bit of a grump wheras I just want to forget about it and not have it brought up every year or social event. julesgems, absolutely well said, I do try but he just thinks I'm being "a typical woman", his words! He's great in every other respect and is not chauvenistic or anything but he thinks because I am so laid back that I'll one day give in and be back in with that crowd.

:grr:

 

[persianista]

I do hold grudges. I know it is not nice to admit, but if someone does something dreadful to me, I don't forgive. I cut toxic people out of my life and surround myself with positive, kind, intelligent people only. Life is too short to be made to feel rubbish by someone else.

 

[brittone05]

I do hold grudges. I know it is not nice to admit, but if someone does something dreadful to me, I don't forgive. I cut toxic people out of my life and surround myself with positive, kind, intelligent people only. Life is too short to be made to feel rubbish by someone else.

My new years resolution was to be like that PErsianista. I swore I would no longer allow people to take the proverbial out of me and that I would only keep the people who were genuine in my life.

This resulted in me, hubby and the kids making a total fresh start nearly 300 miles away mind and I am a fair few grudges heavier for it but I store them away because it is hghyl unlikely I will see these people again

 

[Susie H]

I had a very good close friend, she let me down badly and I walked away from her, a year later I let her back into my life, she let me down again, I vowed that was it, a few years went by and our kids found each other on face book, she and I chated and it was like we'd only talked the night before.
Six months later I ripped her up one side and down the other and walked away for the final time.
I am no ones fool but felt that this persons good points out weighed her bad, She proved me wrong 3 times, people who know me are amazed that I gave her a second chance never mind a third!
Tell hubby to LET IT GO. Before he ruins your marriage. You know how you feel about that person and the fact that hubby felt he had to apologise (creep around you) before raising the subject again, says he knows you are right.
Also, an email appology Nope, I'd want wine, chocs and flowers and I'd want them a darn sight quicker then 16 months later.:smack:

 

[smooth]

I had a very good close friend, she let me down badly and I walked away from her, a year later I let her back into my life, she let me down again, I vowed that was it, a few years went by and our kids found each other on face book, she and I chated and it was like we'd only talked the night before.
Six months later I ripped her up one side and down the other and walked away for the final time.
I am no ones fool but felt that this persons good points out weighed her bad, She proved me wrong 3 times, people who know me are amazed that I gave her a second chance never mind a third!
Tell hubby to LET IT GO. Before he ruins your marriage. You know how you feel about that person and the fact that hubby felt he had to apologise (creep around you) before raising the subject again, says he knows you are right.
Also, an email appology Nope, I'd want wine, chocs and flowers and I'd want them a darn sight quicker then 16 months later.:smack:

You've just summed up exactly what my best friend said, although my friend keeps saying that the hubby will learn, obviously all this time later he hasn't. The way he keeps going on about it he did make me start to think if I was over reacting but thanks to all your replies I'm obviously not! I love this forum, you can get and offer professional advice as well as personal advice too.

Thanks everyone, you all have great attitudes towards negative people in your life xx:hug:

 

[Martigirl]

I do hold grudges. I know it is not nice to admit, but if someone does something dreadful to me, I don't forgive. I cut toxic people out of my life and surround myself with positive, kind, intelligent people only. Life is too short to be made to feel rubbish by someone else.

My philosophy exactly !!!!:hug:

 

[MissOwen]

I think you are the only person who can decide what to do in this situation. I think it depends on a lot of factors. How important is this person in your husbands life, what they did to upset you, if the thing they did was intentional, if it will affect your marriage to hold this grudge.


I hope whatever you do, you manage to have a happy and peaceful outcome.

Personally, i try to forgive and forget. People who treat me badly are not important enough for me to consider holding a grudge, it takes up energy they dont deserve :green: but i will remove repeat offenders from my life if i can.

Good luck xxxxxx

 

[smooth]

I think you are the only person who can decide what to do in this situation. I think it depends on a lot of factors. How important is this person in your husbands life, what they did to upset you, if the thing they did was intentional, if it will affect your marriage to hold this grudge.


I hope whatever you do, you manage to have a happy and peaceful outcome.

Personally, i try to forgive and forget. People who treat me badly are not important enough for me to consider holding a grudge, it takes up energy they dont deserve :green: but i will remove repeat offenders from my life if i can.

Good luck xxxxxx

It definitely was intentional what his friend did and they are in a group of friends that have known each other for years. The grudge is not affecting our marriage I just refuse to socialise with them anymore as this person is always there and I never want to see them again as I am trying to cut them out of my life forever. I encourage my husband to keep in contact with all his friends but he knows that he will never go to anything as a couple again if this particular friend is there.

He's getting a bit fed up of being the only one there that isn't in a couple hence the reason for the apology by e-mail far, far too late! He thought he would apologise and I would go and socialise, ta daaaa.

Hmmm, so now he is a bit annoyed that I still won't go but everything is fine if he just shuts the hell up about this friend and stops pushing. I'm not accepting the apology as for months before the wedding he knew I didn't want them there yet he still invited them. I think I just wanted some acceptance that other people would do the same if they were faced with this situation. What makes it worse is how and when the apology came. :irked:

 

[MissOwen]

It definitely was intentional what his friend did and they are in a group of friends that have known each other for years. The grudge is not affecting our marriage I just refuse to socialise with them anymore as this person is always there and I never want to see them again as I am trying to cut them out of my life forever. I encourage my husband to keep in contact with all his friends but he knows that he will never go to anything as a couple again if this particular friend is there.

He's getting a bit fed up of being the only one there that isn't in a couple hence the reason for the apology by e-mail far, far too late! He thought he would apologise and I would go and socialise, ta daaaa.

Hmmm, so now he is a bit annoyed that I still won't go but everything is fine if he just shuts the hell up about this friend and stops pushing. I'm not accepting the apology as for months before the wedding he knew I didn't want them there yet he still invited them. I think I just wanted some acceptance that other people would do the same if they were faced with this situation. What makes it worse is how and when the apology came. :irked:

I understand your point on the apology...... in an email and that long after the day is not an apology, more an attempt to soften the blow and get his own way!! Men!! I definately agree with you on not accepting that as a satisfactory apology.

Hopefully your other half will get the message that you dont want to be involved with the people and leave it at that..... if not, turn up at the thing he wants you to go to, make a huge scene, be as embarrassing as possible and he'll be less likely to try and convince you again :lol::hug:

On a serious note, sorry if i sounded unsympathetic in my post, it wasnt intended, i was just trying to say that only you know if you can forgive the person for what they done and allow them into your life again. You have to do whatever makes life happier and easy for you xxxx