Problems with my mother!

[waffle4]

Oh god this is so sad. Just because she's your mum you DONT owe her. If anything, judging by what you've written, it's her that owes you.

Just bite the bullet and say you unfortunately haven't got time to do her hair for a while (you could pretend you'll do it when your schedule calms down). If she kicks off, I would be inclined to remind her just how she's treated you over the years. You sound like you'll be well rid of this toxic relationship. I'm extremely lucky to have the most amazing mum but my hubby's mum is crap and after years of trying to get along you sometimes need to face up to the fact that they will always be selfish and nasty.

 

[Nila]

I don't have children and never will, as I never want to turn out like her.

My mother made my life a living hell right up to the day I left home, not only did she verbally abuse me, she used to hit me too...

She also go my younger sister to join in and would stand there laughing.

I had to leave school at 16 and pay rent my sister didn't and went on to uni.

my sister and I now have strained relationship to the point we don't talk often at all.

Still think I should be nice to her?

I didn't know you were abused and I'm really sorry for how you feel. No child should be treated that way.

I too have had problems with my mum, as most mothers and daughters do. We live quite far and I found that the distance helps a lot, we respect each other more and don't argue. Although I miss her but being far is for the best.

Maybe you can look at it this way. Your sister might have gone to uni but you are the one that your mum needs! It can make you feel big. You never know maybe she is using her hair as an excuse to come and see you because she regrets what she has done in the past but don't know how to show it or too proud to admit.
If you keep being nice to her one day she may come to you and apologize for not treating you well.

 

[Balance Andover]

She's trying to control you as an adult, just like she did when you were a child.

You must do what is best for you, you are now a successful, talented adult and you do not have to put up with this toxic behaviour anymore!

I had a verbally and physically abusive stepfather (both my Mum and I suffered) . Sadly my Mum died 5 months ago and he still tries to hurt me, he makes up fake Facebook profiles, sends me nasty text messages, he even threatened to have my Mum cremated against her wishes as he knew that would break me! But he hasn't!

Be strong and know we are here if you need us! Xx

 

[Jadecoops]

To be honest I have a lot of family members that try and take advantage, I used to do there hair for free when I was training to get experience etc, and they still expect it 10 years later!!
Ive started to be a lot harder on them now, and asking for the money upfront, because I've been stung several times!
Be stern and tell her no, or even ask for a favour in return!
We can't do everything for free!!

 

[KHS]

Been where you are babe. I had to cut my toxic mother out of my life.

You and me both! Haven't spoken to mine 3 yrs in.May due to her controlling manipulative behaviour, (long standing repetative scenarios) and in all that time she hasn't bothered to send her only grandchild a birthday card, Christmas card, nothing!

I'm.so much happier and so is my son without her.

Don't let her drag you down. Be busy, very busy when she comes again,

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[Gawjus36]

Hi honey, I feel your pain. I cut my mum out of my life just short of a year ago now and I've never felt better. Narcissistic describes my mother perfectly although unlike you I have three children and everyday I work so so hard to be the best mum that I can be. She wants a relationship with "her grandsons" but will not even acknowledge that a relationship between the two of us needs to exist before that can happen. In November last year she sent me a letter threatening to get a court order forcing me to allow her to have access to my children.

On Christmas Eve she text me to remind me .... "you're such a sad bitch I only hope you can live with the fact that your kids will one day find out what a nutter there (sic) mother is. No wonder you need a head doctor"

My mother is tapped. Unstable. Narcissistic. Vicious. Down right nasty. As a result of calling time on our relationship I have been bullied and shunned by all my extended family.

I will turn 40 this year and cannot continue to be controlled, berated, bullied and emotionally beaten by this woman. I will become me. I deserve that.

I envy everyone with a good relationship with their lovely mums. But no one with a lovely mum will ever understand how you can feel the way you do. Until they have walked your journey wearing your shoes there will be no empathy or understanding.

Honey I advise you to assert yourself in a way you feel necessary and start doing things to suit you xxx

Good luck xxx


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[Miss Sylk]

Are you currently working as a hairdresser? If not, to avoid arguments you could say your allergic to the dye ingredients lol

 

[mollie1985]

I can see why at first people were like "what you charge your mother " cos at first I was like am I reading this right she doesn't have time to colour her mothers hair but then as you have opened up more I'm now thinking id Definitely fit her in and bloody shave the lot, sounds like a horrible person and you should be proud to have overcome that upbringing and as others have said you may want to consider parting ways, to me this has nothing to do with doing her hair it's a personal feeling that you don't want to have anything to do with her and that needs to be addressed big hugs xx

 

[Penny Vintage]

I get on really well with my mum, But my dad never put any effort at all into our relationship from the moment he walked out (and many other bad things) so after many times of begging to cut contact, I did when I was old enough myself at 18. It was the best thing I ever did, I had such a hard time growing up because of him. I felt free and sometimes people ask about him as if it's a shame just because he's my dad which is very annoying. You can carry on but sometimes you need your distance from these types of people for you to be healthy and happy, no matter who they are..

 

[virtues2011]

You're not alone.

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[lashed11]

I didn't know you were abused and I'm really sorry for how you feel. No child should be treated that way.

I too have had problems with my mum, as most mothers and daughters do. We live quite far and I found that the distance helps a lot, we respect each other more and don't argue. Although I miss her but being far is for the best.

Maybe you can look at it this way. Your sister might have gone to uni but you are the one that your mum needs! It can make you feel big. You never know maybe she is using her hair as an excuse to come and see you because she regrets what she has done in the past but don't know how to show it or too proud to admit.
If you keep being nice to her one day she may come to you and apologize for not treating you well.

I agree with this. I really feel for you. I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my mum, but over the years I've watched my mums relationship with her mum go from bad/toxic to worse, then to ok, then to bad again and it just goes on and on. It got to the stage where I told my mum I'm sick of it all, it was giving my mum bad anxiety problems. My mum is now being treated for breast cancer and I really believe that it's been caused by all the stress from my gran over the years. When my mum called her to tell her about the cancer she brushed the whole thing off and didn't even bother to come see my mum for about three months...She lives ten minutes away. Occasionally she will pop over to my mums but from my end it just seems like she's doing it to make herself feel better. When my dad died, my gran came with us to the hospice to sort the death certificate, and to her it was just a day out. She didn't comfort us, she didn't say anything like "sorry for your loss", in fact the first thing she said was "I've left my chicken nuggets in the freezer". Then the day of my dad's funeral she called me up drunk and was abusive. I don't spend any time with her now, I could write for days about all the things she has done, but my mum has decided to keep her in her life. I wish that my mum didn't feel the need to, but I can't change her thoughts. But I do believe that just because someone is family, doesn't mean that they are allowed to treat you like rubbish. You need to look after yourself! Sorry I'm not sure I have anything else to add, families are bloody complicated xx

 

[MamaG]

So many sad stories with so many similarities. I don't even know whether my mother and father are alive because I cut them out years ago. It was the only way I was ever going to have a chance of a normal life. Thank god I did and I can concentrate on my kids and husband. We're happy and settled which would never have happened while they were around.
We don't owe our toxic parents anything. We didn't ask to be born into this world and treated like s***. Walk away.
For those who have lovely, caring parents - you will never understand. You are so lucky. X

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[Pinkpants]

So sad to hear a few of you have said you won't have children because of your parents. I too don't have a good relationship with my co called mother, but my children are my new life they are amazing, it's amazing being a mother and I am a great loving mother. Please don't think you won't be a great mother, because you recognise your mothers failings and know they are wrong shows you won't be the same.
Back on topic I would not colour your mothers hair tell her you are to busy because you are ;-) x

 

[Kiva]

I wouldn't do her hair to be honest, she seems to only make her trips to see you when she wants her hair done & if she's rude and belittling towards you in your own home and in public forget about it, it doesn't sound like she appreciates what you do for her.
Skip her hair being done & enjoy your spare time and less stress with your partner!! X

 

[MissyMuffin]

Let's face it, if you had such a bad relationship with a partner you would leave/divorce etc.
I'm surprised you even have to ask, you know you would feel better for standing up to her so do it.

 

[Topsy]

This thread has been so refreshing to know that not everyone has the perfect relationship with their mom .... I thought it was just me ... I feel the same I won't have kids because I would hate them to look at me the same way I look at mine x

 

[virtues2011]

It's even harder to understand when your daughter who you've worked so hard for, given anything and everything to. . won't even acknowledge who you are, and thinks more of the father who wasn't around for 10 years and a grandmother who used to say ' if you do that, I don't want to see you again' (continually at the age of 4 and made her feel guilty)... You guys have it easy, you make the decision to remove yourselves. All my decisions are made for me, by others... apart from me calling it a day when my mother wrote to me telling me I wasn't her daughter. I am.

Probably why I don't cry at Eastenders.

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[MamaG]

Virtues it sounds like your daughter is caught up in the whole toxic thing with her father and grandmother. She will see it in the end and will walk away.
Re Eastenders: I can get emotional over stuff on tv but not a chance in real life - when someone gets upset because a family member has passed away, I just feel numb. I honestly think that the only people I would shed a tear for is my sister, hubby and kids. Sad but true.

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[Steph86]

It's even harder to understand when your daughter who you've worked so hard for, given anything and everything to. . won't even acknowledge who you are, and thinks more of the father who wasn't around for 10 years and a grandmother who used to say ' if you do that, I don't want to see you again' (continually at the age of 4 and made her feel guilty)... You guys have it easy, you make the decision to remove yourselves. All my decisions are made for me, by others... apart from me calling it a day when my mother wrote to me telling me I wasn't her daughter. I am.

Probably why I don't cry at Eastenders.

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Virtues, from what I recall your daughter is a teenager? I fell out with my Mum for giving me boundaries, went off got a council flat, didnt speak to her for 6 months. Totally rebelled in most possible ways. My mum never did anything, but want the best for me. We made up eventually but still had our strained moments. Till I grew up. From being 14-21 I was a nightmare!

I totally sided with My Dad as he was more lenient (they split up when I was 3) treated me as an adult, well it was not really a parent/child relationship.

My Mum always use to tell me, you are my child... I may not always like you, but Il always love you.

She will grow out of it us girls are too independent for our own good at times.

Xx

 

[virtues2011]

Virtues it sounds like your daughter is caught up in the whole toxic thing with her father and grandmother. She will see it in the end and will walk away.
Re Eastenders: I can get emotional over stuff on tv but not a chance in real life - when someone gets upset because a family member has passed away, I just feel numb. I honestly think that the only people I would shed a tear for is my sister, hubby and kids. Sad but true.

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Mine goes back 20 years. I married my husband at 22. I thought I loved him, but didn't. When we separated 3 years after my daughter was born my mother had a nervous breakdown and my then husband never forgave me. Even to this day. Unfortunately nor does my daughter. Anyway I won't move this thread away from the title. Just trying to put a different perspective to it. X

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