Teenage son!

[jojo@tranquil]

I know this is really random, but does anyone have teenagers ?
I have a 15year old son, who up until around June time this year was a real home body, he had friends but wasn't bothered about socialising or girls, most of his time was on x box, doing school work or watching tv. He just turned 15 a few weeks ago and since school holidays he is out everyday, mainly with friends I don't know. Occasionally I see some of his old friends with him but it's usually a group I don't really know.
He started going out with this girl who is a year younger, she dumped him after a week but one day I noticed a huge love bite on his neck, he said Keira had done it, but they were just mates now.
Yesterday he came in with his whole neck covered in bites, I almost burst into tears and screamed at him, what the hell has he been doing, he apologised and said he didn't like having them but his girlfriend (Keira) again liked doing it and wouldn't stop.
I told him if I saw anymore on his neck he would be grounded, I just find it disgusting and I am so embarrassed by it, people must think I am a bad mum by the way he looks.
He had already asked if he could stay last night at his friends house which I had agreed to . So off him and his mate went.
I had a lie in this morning, got up about 9 am and his bag and shoes are here, he is in bed. Now usually he would just stay at his mates the morning if he stayed over there.
I am worried he has lied to me and has just been out all night with this girl or am I being paranoid, it just all seems odd to me.
I know I have to trust him. Do I confront him ?
I know he is growing up and it's good he is socialising more, I like it that he is out more, I just don't know what he is up to and who with, that scares me xx

 

[StephR]

I feel for not knowing what to do. Luckily my kids aren't teens yet but its a time that I am not looking forward too.

I would try to sit down with him and ask him what's going on. I would also use this time to tell him what you expect from him and that if he steps out of line doing things he shouldn't that there will be some serious consequences.

At the end of the day there isn't much that can be done except for trusting that fact he will make the right decisions and will not do anything stupid.

Steph xxx

 

[jojo@tranquil]

Thanks Steph, make the most of your kids while they are young, they grow up way too quickly !
Do you think it's unreasonable to ask my son for his mates number to check with his parents that he stayed there ?
I feel sick thinking about the next few years and what maybe coming :Scared:

 

[yellow]

hiya...i have a ten and a 14 yr old and its the ten year old i have problems with. He is the most strongwilled, confident and independant child i have ever met. Nothing in life phases him and i mean nothing, but he pushes me to the limit. I have had to be as tough as nails with him but its the only way believe me. They need to know that you are the boss and its your house and rules. If they dont like it then tough. I always give my kids total responsibility to make decisions and live their life, but if they step out of line then they know they are in serious trouble:lol: You are his mother and he needs to respect that. Good luck missy

 

[Kit_Cat]

Aaw It must be awful worrying about him! I'm not a mum myself yet but I'm not that far out of my teens and also had similar (well worse) experiences with my cousin who is like a little bro to me. I expect that you checking up on him with his mates parents will only serve to push him away further - and realistically what positive will come from it - if he lied then it will just make him more angry & he'll NEVER tell u where he's going in future etc. Maybe start with sharing with him how you were worried about him whilst letting him know ur pleased he's socialising more & making friends. Don't lose perspective either, he's a teenage boy, gonna be interested in girls & going out.. better than drugs/crime! xxxx

 

[lilly]

I have a 17 year old girl,, I thing I have learned is NOT to ball them out ( and my god sometimes I could knock her out not just ball her out ! ) over stuff but to say that your not impressed with the state of his neck or that you think he fibbed about where he was last night etc. Start shouting and grounding and channels of communication will shut and they'll start fibbing to you all the time.

I haven't ever said "no you can't do that" but instead I say that "I don't think you should do ...a b or c....but you have to decide for yourself and deal with any repercussions" 9 times out of 10 it makes them sit back and think about it,.

my daughter tells me exactly where she is, who she's staying with, whether she's had a drink or ciggy ( which is a bloody bug bare to me ) she has high morals and I trust her.

NOW her mates who's parents do the grounding, stop them from going to parties cos they don't like the place/ people etc tell them off for having a drink etc they frequently end up at mine completely bladdered and their parents have no idea where they are cos they have fibbed about where they are going in case their parents say no, don't get me wrong, I don't always like where she's going and who the people are but at least I know exactly where she is and who with, it also means anytime I phone her she picks up as she's not to hide.

Try it, it's really hard knowing what to do x

 

[effie]

My daughter is 14 next wk and I find being very open about everything helps As she is now very open to me.
She had a bf and came home with a little love bite which she tried covering up but I just laughter it off so to speak but firmly said dont do it again as there not nice to look at an she hasn't.
Kids will experiment and test the boundaries as I'm sure you may have when you were younger,I know I did :0/ I believe if you say no to something there just do it regardless do I find compromising is much better ie my daughter was going to a party a few months back and the kids were all taking drink, she asked if she could do we talked and agreed on 1 small bottle of wkd max she was also told if she had more and come home drunk she would be in trouble, so did as I asked and now when she goes to parties she didn't even want it ......kids what what they can't have

 

[effie]

There is nothing wrong with confronting kids we are the parents at the end of the day and they need to be reminded of that from time to time

 

[jojo@tranquil]

Having a teenager is much harder Than I had anticipated. My husband who is not Harrison's dad says I am too soft on him. I was a single mum for years and always did my best for him, maybe gave in a bit too much when he was younger, but I was working full time and doing everything else too.
I feel guilty and now blame myself for the way he is behaving.
My husband wants me to call his mates parents to double check where he was. That just proves I don't trust him ?!
I just woke him up and asked him what time he got home this morning and he said 7am because they had been awake all night playing x box and his mates house and then he couldn't sleep and wanted his own bed.
Take his word for it or check up ??
Xx

 

[sarah_clancy]

Having a teenager is much harder Than I had anticipated. My husband who is not Harrison's dad says I am too soft on him. I was a single mum for years and always did my best for him, maybe gave in a bit too much when he was younger, but I was working full time and doing everything else too.
I feel guilty and now blame myself for the way he is behaving.
My husband wants me to call his mates parents to double check where he was. That just proves I don't trust him ?!
I just woke him up and asked him what time he got home this morning and he said 7am because they had been awake all night playing x box and his mates house and then he couldn't sleep and wanted his own bed.
Take his word for it or check up ??
Xx

Don't check up on him, he will only rebel!
Let this one go and if it happens again then approach him again, otherwise he will just start lying about where he is.

Good luck hun, mine is nearly 3 and already dreading the teenage years ;-) xx

 

[collin]

I know this is really random, but does anyone have teenagers ?
I have a 15year old son, who up until around June time this year was a real home body, he had friends but wasn't bothered about socialising or girls, most of his time was on x box, doing school work or watching tv. He just turned 15 a few weeks ago and since school holidays he is out everyday, mainly with friends I don't know. Occasionally I see some of his old friends with him but it's usually a group I don't really know.
He started going out with this girl who is a year younger, she dumped him after a week but one day I noticed a huge love bite on his neck, he said Keira had done it, but they were just mates now.
Yesterday he came in with his whole neck covered in bites, I almost burst into tears and screamed at him, what the hell has he been doing, he apologised and said he didn't like having them but his girlfriend (Keira) again liked doing it and wouldn't stop.
I told him if I saw anymore on his neck he would be grounded, I just find it disgusting and I am so embarrassed by it, people must think I am a bad mum by the way he looks.
He had already asked if he could stay last night at his friends house which I had agreed to . So off him and his mate went.
I had a lie in this morning, got up about 9 am and his bag and shoes are here, he is in bed. Now usually he would just stay at his mates the morning if he stayed over there.
I am worried he has lied to me and has just been out all night with this girl or am I being paranoid, it just all seems odd to me.
I know I have to trust him. Do I confront him ?
I know he is growing up and it's good he is socialising more, I like it that he is out more, I just don't know what he is up to and who with, that scares me xx

This is all part of the cycle of life and the main thing is to continually communicate with him...not in any pushy way...just talk about your concerns and worries about his well being but pick the right moment otherwise he will misread your intentions

Unfortunately children grow up and its difficult when they fist start to explore the world and what it has to offer so really just allow him to do so but be his guiding light but implement strict rules as to the level of his freedom and that communication from him to you about his whereabouts is agreed and adhered to...if he breaks any of the boundaries he needs grounding and hopefully things will work out fine for him as well as for you

On an up note whilst he and you are currently experiencing a kind of separation or breaking of the umbilical cord its as difficult for both of you....but as the adult and parent it is important to set and maintain agreed parameters

Whilst he is breaking the umbilical cord it doesn't mean he loves you any less :hug:

Oh back to the upside...he is separating from your womb right now as he explores his new found world but rest assured as he gets older he will return into your bosom once again :hug:

 

[Miss_A]

Teenagers can be very tricky. I'm trying to let my son be his own moral compass- not completely banning things can make them much less interesting maybe focus on the fact that he came home- even if he wasn't where he said he was he was sensible enough to come home. If you approach the chat from this angle it might stay calm & honest.

 

[lila22]

Im the same, my daughter is 14 this year and very strong willed, she cant keep her mouth shut and always has the last word (or tries to)
She also has ADHD so im worried when in a year or two she starts going out more.
Its a difficult one but i try my best and im strict as i feel she needs boundries, when at my partners in weekends and holidays he is super strict but she said only last week she likes having rules ect. I guess its so hard to no what is the right way to do things xx

 

[lila22]

Thanks Steph, make the most of your kids while they are young, they grow up way too quickly !
Do you think it's unreasonable to ask my son for his mates number to check with his parents that he stayed there ?
I feel sick thinking about the next few years and what maybe coming :Scared:

100% ask for the number, i call the parents if my daughter stays out, this may sound harsh but there are too many free spirits growing up, i believe kids need structure and disicpline and boundries, kids need to respect there parents.He needs to earn your trust and respect x x

 

[souz]

i have four teenage boys ( 2 are mine, 2 are step children) they are 15 and 18,

i suppose you could say that i have always kind of controlled who they see and where they go, having said that i have never said no. Even now the 18 year old tells me where he is going, who with and when or if he will be home!! he always thought i was over protective but is now starting to appreciate how i have been and why.....other boys have got mixed up in allsorts, boys who he once was friends with. Even girlfriends if i dont like them i put him off, but not in an outright way, just make it difficult for him to see them or them to come to us!!

i have a great relationship with all the boys, often they tell me too much!! we have a laugh and they can come to me about anything!!literally!! ive gone through drugs,drinking,smoking, pregnancy scares the lot!! just be there and dont shout too much, sit and discuss, it seems to work for me!!

hth xx

 

[collin]

She also has ADHD so im worried when in a year or two she starts going out more.

My eldest son had this and would change from the nicest boy to an absolute nightmare and was quiet heavily seated which i didn't entirely agree with but anyhoos after a year of this he came to me one day and asked if he could come off them as he wanted to beat this through his own determination.

I agreed much to my relief and it was at the same time he became a full vegetarian .

Blow me down he did it within 6 months and became the nicest boy and now young man that you could ever meet....at 22 years old he is now my beast friend in the world :hug:

Just goes to show they will either grow out of it or beat it...when the time is right for them so good luck with yours

Just remember that during those tantrum moments just how much you love each other :hug:

 

[lila22]

My eldest son had this and would change from the nicest boy to an absolute nightmare and was quiet heavily seated which i didn't entirely agree with but anyhoos after a year of this he came to me one day and asked if he could come off them as he wanted to beat this through his own determination.

I agreed much to my relief and it was at the same time he became a full vegetarian .

Blow me down he did it within 6 months and became the nicest boy and now young man that you could ever meet....at 22 years old he is now my beast friend in the world :hug:

Just goes to show they will either grow out of it or beat it...when the time is right for them so good luck with yours

Just remember that during those tantrum moments just how much you love each other :hug:

Ahhh thanks Colin, only had it diagnosied this year, in girls ive been told its more concentration and unable to keep friends through being bosy!
she is on medacation which helps but now i have the problem she has lost her appetite and is so thin!!
I guess with kids you are always going to worry thats our job
Good to hear your son has setteled x x

 

[jojo@tranquil]

Thankyou so much to everyone who has given advice and told their stories, it has made me feel not so alone !
When he finally got up today I had a chat with him and told him how much I care about him and it may feel to him that I am nagging but it's only because I love him and want him to be safe.
I again said how upset and disappointed I am about the bites on his neck and that he will be grounded if it happens again.
With regards to the doubting where he was last night I have decided to leave it and not ask for a phone number to check, but I have said he needs to be where he says and that I am trusting him.
However next time he wants to stay at a friends I am going to ask for their number so I can call in case of an emergency, hopefully this will make him think twice if he is thinking of making other plans !
Kids definitely need boundaries I wish I had set more when he was younger, hopefully it's not too late.
I have a feeling this is the start of a rocky road but hopefully he will come good in the end and know right from wrong, something I have always instilled in him.
Thanks again everyone :hug:

 

[hollywoodnails]

My boy is 17 and is quite grow up in someways but in some is still quite young in his head wheen . We have quite a close relationship,s and he tells me most things although im sure theres stuff he doesnt tell me lol ,I have always tried to be as open as i can with him and of he does something i dont like I try to explain the reasons behind it rather than just shout because as soon as you shout he just shuts down . He makes some decisions he self although i let him know that he has to be responsible for them actions and dectsions if he goes to far out of line then we will ave a talk /argument( cause mums always shout but kids dont haha) just to let let him know hes crossed the line . at 16 he came and asked me if he could have a drink at a party and i agreed but with big limits he has never come home blind deunk in all that time apart from once and he was at a family party and was asking everyone for a sip of their drink (sneekey bugger ) .his punishment was cleaning his own sick up and the whole bathroom the next day ecause i wanted him to learn what happens when he steps over the mark with the rules set for him . he didnt go near it for weeks
I wouldnt cheak up where hes been on this occation because if he thinks you dont trust him he will close down ,when he gets up have a chat and let him know he must let you know where he is and if hes coming home ect because of dangers . if he does it again then say you need to check hes gonna be safe all night ect , its give and take if you give a little trust they tend not to break it to much as they dont want to let you down but on the other foot they have to know when its gone to far.if you feel hes taken the mick with the trust you have given then take a little away and tell him trust must be earned .Theres no halm in cheaking where hes staying if it puts your mind at rest but dont persume hes always lieing to you lads at that age often stay up playing xbox . if its somewhere u dont know then explain why u need to know ,still now I ask for a address if its somehwere i dont know and my son understands its in case i need to contact him not just to cheak up . dont get me wrong they will all push there luck my son has a few times and he was punished for it one way or another and made to realise what he has done and say sorry if needed .Theres no guide as each child is their own person and its all about them learning from the mistakes they make. go with your instincts.

 

[lila22]

Thankyou so much to everyone who has given advice and told their stories, it has made me feel not so alone !
When he finally got up today I had a chat with him and told him how much I care about him and it may feel to him that I am nagging but it's only because I love him and want him to be safe.
I again said how upset and disappointed I am about the bites on his neck and that he will be grounded if it happens again.
With regards to the doubting where he was last night I have decided to leave it and not ask for a phone number to check, but I have said he needs to be where he says and that I am trusting him.
However next time he wants to stay at a friends I am going to ask for their number so I can call in case of an emergency, hopefully this will make him think twice if he is thinking of making other plans !
Kids definitely need boundaries I wish I had set more when he was younger, hopefully it's not too late.
I have a feeling this is the start of a rocky road but hopefully he will come good in the end and know right from wrong, something I have always instilled in him.
Thanks again everyone :hug:

Sounds like you have done the right thing, he knows for next time and my daughter moans when i say i need to speak to parents but i dont care, i need to no where she is and if anything happens i can contact her or the parents, i guess with our kids we are all learning on the way but never think your alone as we can all help and make you see your not :hug:x x
ps when she was a baby my mum use to say these are the easy years! I now know what she meant