am i being unreasonable to my dad??

[nuttynikki]

hi all,this is a long one!

i have a bit of a dilema and its starting to really make me mad!! i have a step sister who is getting married in april, i only met her a yr ago and in that yr, only seen each other 4 times.

in a years time, me and hubby are moving to surrey(not a cheap area!) as he is leaving the raf to work at gatwick. anyway, money is so tight at the mo(i am currently job searching as at the moment i only do nails)
we have sat and worked out a plan as to how we are going to manage our finances etc... basically our priority is to pay off a large loan my hubby has, which means selling our beloved cars! so we have a year to get our finances under control, its gonna be a real struggle for us and alot of sacrifices have been made, but we are prepared for that now as its the rest of our lives we are talking about!

anyway, to get back on the subject, we have realised that we cant afford a wedding as the costs will be: petrol:£40 accommodation=£60 drinks=£? alot prob! outfit=? i dont have anything in my wardrobe that is wedding suitable at the mo! so to us that is alot of money, also i am a bridesmaid 3 weeks later for my best friend who i have known since i was 4!! so we are currently trying to save for that too!!! so in my eyes, we cant afford both, and as i hardly know my step sister!

but my dad has been hassling me saying " you should be there, we are an extended famly now etc... if you dont go then your sisters may not go"
but ive explained it to him, i dont want to upset him but it cant be helped!!!!
so im a bit angry now, especially as he got married so quick after leaving my mum, and he thinks we should all be this one big happy family! my own grandad, 'lost' my xmas card and pressy but calls my step sisters his grandchildren and didnt forget them at xmas!! i know i prob sound childish but im still a bit hurt and the fact my dad is trying to push me to go to this wedding annoys me(oh yeh, he never came to my wedding last yr,nor did my grandad) ok so im still trying to adapt to it all but it does boil down to the fact we have no money!!
sorry for going on a bit, i hope ive not bored u too much.

xx
so ok, part of m

 

[angel fingers]

dont feel pressured to go, its hardly gonna ruin the brides day if you have only met 4 times. write her a nice card and wish her all the best for the future.

 

[nuttynikki]

dont feel pressured to go, its hardly gonna ruin the brides day if you have only met 4 times. write her a nice card and wish her all the best for the future.

i agree, but my dad is turning it into suca a big deal! i bought a nice card today
x

 

[Ms.Matrix]

I understand how it is having step siblings, I have a step sister and we are not as close as I would like due to circumstances beyond our control.
You may want to do the "nice" thing and attend the wedding, but if you are not financially able to do so at this time then you are just not able too, no ifs ands or buts...You and your husband have come up with a plan to have you in a better financial position in about a year or so, stick to your guns, it may be hard, but this is where your discipline comes into play. The sad thing is that it's on you and your husband and the main people trying to pressure you into doing things you can't financially afford 9 times out of 10 won't be there if you need them financially, if your father wants you there so badly, explain the situation to him and ask him if he's willing to pay your travel, accomodations, clothing, etc. If not, then he must understand that you and your husband has to tighten your belts and adhere to a budget and a wedding, is just not in it at this time. Not to mentions you have had plans to be there for your best friend and I'm sure she probably asked you first.

Hope I haven't rambled...

 

[angel fingers]

sounds like your dad might be trying to make everything right to make him feel less guilty or something. he'll get over it.does he realise how tight your budget is, its obvious that you are on a shoestring at the moment if you are prepared to give up your cars.

 

[1999judy]

hi all,this is a long one!

i have a bit of a dilema and its starting to really make me mad!! i have a step sister who is getting married in april, i only met her a yr ago and in that yr, only seen each other 4 times.

in a years time, me and hubby are moving to surrey(not a cheap area!) as he is leaving the raf to work at gatwick. anyway, money is so tight at the mo(i am currently job searching as at the moment i only do nails)
we have sat and worked out a plan as to how we are going to manage our finances etc... basically our priority is to pay off a large loan my hubby has, which means selling our beloved cars! so we have a year to get our finances under control, its gonna be a real struggle for us and alot of sacrifices have been made, but we are prepared for that now as its the rest of our lives we are talking about!

anyway, to get back on the subject, we have realised that we cant afford a wedding as the costs will be: petrol:£40 accommodation=£60 drinks=£? alot prob! outfit=? i dont have anything in my wardrobe that is wedding suitable at the mo! so to us that is alot of money, also i am a bridesmaid 3 weeks later for my best friend who i have known since i was 4!! so we are currently trying to save for that too!!! so in my eyes, we cant afford both, and as i hardly know my step sister!

but my dad has been hassling me saying " you should be there, we are an extended famly now etc... if you dont go then your sisters may not go"
but ive explained it to him, i dont want to upset him but it cant be helped!!!!
so im a bit angry now, especially as he got married so quick after leaving my mum, and he thinks we should all be this one big happy family! my own grandad, 'lost' my xmas card and pressy but calls my step sisters his grandchildren and didnt forget them at xmas!! i know i prob sound childish but im still a bit hurt and the fact my dad is trying to push me to go to this wedding annoys me(oh yeh, he never came to my wedding last yr,nor did my grandad) ok so im still trying to adapt to it all but it does boil down to the fact we have no money!!
sorry for going on a bit, i hope ive not bored u too much.

xx
so ok, part of m

Do what YOU want to do - don't feel pressured by other family members, no-one will thank you for it later

 

[Bagpuss]

Its your choice at the end of the day..not his. No-one has the right to make someone do anything. Do you think you may be using the money thing as a bit of an excuse for just not wanting to go...? thats not wrong...sometimes we don't want to give the real reason so we try to soften it with some other reason...thing is..what ever the reason...if you don't want to go then dont...yeah it might bother some people but then maybe they should sit and think well why...just another thing...you still sound hurt and angry at your dad...just remember it isn't your step sisters fault, don't punish her by not going (i am not saying you are..but just a thought) . I think maybe you and your dad have alot to talk about.

 

[MINKUS]

AW HUN, sounds like there are a few niggly 'issues' going on reading between the lines too:hug:

However if you cant afford it.....and as you say you hardly know her....then nope i wouldnt think bad of you and cant see how SHE can think bad of you if you didnt go.

Ambx

 

[fiona01406]

Dont ya just love weddings??? They cause more trouble than they are worth.
I'd politly remind your dad that as he didnt bother to go to your wedding why should you bother to go to your step sisters??!!
Why not write a nice letter to your step sister explaining the situation, tell her your really dissapointed that you cant go and just leave it at that.
Either that or tell them your in quaranteen with Bird Flu. (yeah - I know - I cant spell!)

 

[nuttynikki]

hi, my dad did offer to pay £50 for us and buy our drinks but we dont like to accept money off people! to me it feels like he is bribing us!!??

and i have just called my sis, she has now said she is also not going to go, saying they cant afford it either! OMG even tho i know she can! so now im gonna be made to look the 'baddy' and my dad will think im not being truthful.
yes weddings are a pain!
x
wot a mess

 

[artymarty]

Fiona beat me to it...............I was going to suggest maybe sending a card, including a letter explaining why you can't attend. If you can't afford it........You CAN'T AFFORD IT!

Martine x

 

[cantrelax]

Fiona beat me to it...............I was going to suggest maybe sending a card, including a letter explaining why you can't attend. If you can't afford it........You CAN'T AFFORD IT!

Martine x

Yes, I think this is a good idea. I would have suggested it first but you guys type way too fast for me!!

All the best Nikki.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Ms.Matrix]

hi, my dad did offer to pay £50 for us and buy our drinks but we dont like to accept money off people! to me it feels like he is bribing us!!??

If he wants you there so bad, he needs to come out of his pocket, he should understand your financial situation, and if it does come to the point where he wants to pay for the whole shabang, then take it...unless you JUST don't want to go, which is understandable too.

 

[nuttynikki]

If he wants you there so bad, he needs to come out of his pocket, he should understand your financial situation, and if it does come to the point where he wants to pay for the whole shabang, then take it...unless you JUST don't want to go, which is understandable too.

i dont want his money as he is offering to pay more money for us to go than he did for our wedding, so to me my stepsisters wedding is more important! yes there are issues but my dad isnt the easiest to talk to, my hubby doesnt WANT to go and he is saying to me that its odd that he wants to pay for us to be there?

 

[ValencianNails]

hunny, if you don't want to go then don't go, if your dad wants to take offense then that's his choice. sometimes families can be more trouble than they're worth.
you must be hurting at all the fuss he's making over this wedding, moreso since he didn't go to yours, you've every right to feel hurt.
send a card and/or gift if you want to but don't feel guilty about it.
:hug: xxx

 

[Ms.Matrix]

Ahhhhh, I totally understand. In that case just as some of the other geeks said write a nice card and leave it at that and hopefully you and your dad will be able to sit and talk one day. As I said I know about the step sibling thing, I could tell you stories...

 

[tamimac]

Nikki, if you explain it to your step sister and shes fine, then its got very little to do with your dad. We just dont always get what we want...
When we first got married money was soooo tight and we had several of these situations arising. people get over it.
Financial hassles cause so much friction in a marriage and adding to thems not what you need right now. Put the needs of your marriage first hun.

 

[*JOANNE*]

it sounds like your dad wants you all there to prove to his new extended family that he and his kids are close and have a good relationship.....which by the sounds of it he doesnt and through no fault of yourselves or your siblings.
and maybe he thinks hey my kids should be over the fact that i left their mum...which if your the kid (no matter how old you are) your loyalties will be with your mum...its totally natural.
if you cant afford it nikki dont go, yes to me it sounds like your dad is bribing you all to go and well if you dont want to you dont have to.
ring your step sister direct and dont go through your dad...she will understand.
the only other thing which might be worth thinking about is maybe the reason your dad wants to pay/bribe you to all come is...he might just be dead proud of his kids and wants to show them to his new wifes family...just a thought.
but you must do what you feel is right and not be forced into anything...this is what can cause more problems if you feel you are being rail roaded into it.

 

[bubbabinks]

I was in exactly the same situation last year. Dont really know my step sisters as I didnt see my dad much through my teen years when my dad married again. He sort of brought them up as his own cos we wernt around.
When I got invited to the wedding I felt akward as I would only know my dad and step mum.
I did invite them all to my wedding reception but for my dads sake.
I just sent the RSVP back saying I couldnt attend and explained to my dad that I worried being there might pull attention away from the bride. He was cool about it, I think he would of spent the whole day worrying I wasnt being left out or feeling abandened.
I also didnt want to go because I was worried about comparing our weddings and who paid for what. I always say things like I dont care, it doesnt bother me but I knew it would. So in my mind I can picture a small wedding on a tight budget with just a little help from my dad.
Send a card, I'm sure your step sister wont mind and your dad will get over it.
If he says anything about your sister not going, just explain she's a grown up and you dont make her decisions for her.

 

[Buggy]

i agree with the thing about writing the letter and don't be pressured into going if you can't afford it hun. you're the one that's got to live with the financial stress after. when your dad starts on you, tell him that he did not attend your wedding (his OWN daughter) but you did not behave like this over it or hold a grudge (ok, maybe a little one but, at present, he's on a need to know basis) so basically button up because your not prepared to discuss it anymore. he obviously did not think he was offending you by not turning up!

if all else fails, say you're going and then tell them the car broke down