Timidtulip
New Member
My story seems so straight forward now...
I met my wonderful guy when we were both (unknowingly) at really miserable ends of our previous relationships. We got together several weeks after we had both split with our previous partners and have been inseparable ever since. His daughter was only about 18 months old at the time.
Eventually we moved in together and fortunately, despite his ex being really bitter and spiteful, he had shared access to his daughter. Two or three days every week, his daughter lived with us. We made countless consessions into our life for his ex for the sake of peace, including letting her visit our new home so she could see where the daughter would be sleeping (it felt like a social services check-up actually, just making sure we were equiped to cope with a child ! Never mind the fact that it was his daughter too, and he had actually been a parent for the last eighteen months!)
Well things have changed a bit since then, some for the better, some for worse. His ex has moved two hundred miles away, so seeing his daughter is a bit of a marathon now, and now his daughter is at school, and my bloke works shifts, so it's sometimes weeks between visits. But the upside is that we are all on really good speaking terms, even his ex and myself.
How have we done it ? By me not going anywhere close to "parenting" his daughter. I do not get involved in discipline, bathtime, bedtime, anything like that, and so have created a role that I am completely neutral, trusted adult who his daughter plays with, cooks with, chats with and comes to when she's been told off for something that she doesn't understand properly. It has always been drummed into her that she only has one Mummy and Daddy, and I'm neither of them ! And this stand-point has gone back to his ex through his daughter, she proudly tells her mother that I don't tell her off, it's always Daddy that does that. Which is why the ex now trusts me with her child. It feels good !
But it all comes at a price. I enjoy my life with my man, and feel somewhat "invaded" when a visit comes around. My life stops for his child, which I can't help feeling is a bit unfair - if I'm not allowed to "parent" the child, why should I have my life turned upside down ?
It's Friday afternoon, and I know when I get home tonight, The Monster and her Dad will be there waiting for me, and I will have no weekend. I guess I should say at this point that his daughter and I have always got on famously (most obviously because of her young age and my not disciplining her!) and I call her The Monster only affectionately.
It nearly kills my man not being able to see his daughter as much as before, and I would never tell him any of the things I am feeling about this because he doesn't need his heart broken any futher, he needs my support with everything.
But here's the real killer............they still haven't got divorced ! He hates confrontation so much he would rather just brush it under the carpet than deal with it, and his ex is happy because she's still got a part of him which I can't have until she lets me. How long am I supposed to live like this ?
I met my wonderful guy when we were both (unknowingly) at really miserable ends of our previous relationships. We got together several weeks after we had both split with our previous partners and have been inseparable ever since. His daughter was only about 18 months old at the time.
Eventually we moved in together and fortunately, despite his ex being really bitter and spiteful, he had shared access to his daughter. Two or three days every week, his daughter lived with us. We made countless consessions into our life for his ex for the sake of peace, including letting her visit our new home so she could see where the daughter would be sleeping (it felt like a social services check-up actually, just making sure we were equiped to cope with a child ! Never mind the fact that it was his daughter too, and he had actually been a parent for the last eighteen months!)
Well things have changed a bit since then, some for the better, some for worse. His ex has moved two hundred miles away, so seeing his daughter is a bit of a marathon now, and now his daughter is at school, and my bloke works shifts, so it's sometimes weeks between visits. But the upside is that we are all on really good speaking terms, even his ex and myself.
How have we done it ? By me not going anywhere close to "parenting" his daughter. I do not get involved in discipline, bathtime, bedtime, anything like that, and so have created a role that I am completely neutral, trusted adult who his daughter plays with, cooks with, chats with and comes to when she's been told off for something that she doesn't understand properly. It has always been drummed into her that she only has one Mummy and Daddy, and I'm neither of them ! And this stand-point has gone back to his ex through his daughter, she proudly tells her mother that I don't tell her off, it's always Daddy that does that. Which is why the ex now trusts me with her child. It feels good !
But it all comes at a price. I enjoy my life with my man, and feel somewhat "invaded" when a visit comes around. My life stops for his child, which I can't help feeling is a bit unfair - if I'm not allowed to "parent" the child, why should I have my life turned upside down ?
It's Friday afternoon, and I know when I get home tonight, The Monster and her Dad will be there waiting for me, and I will have no weekend. I guess I should say at this point that his daughter and I have always got on famously (most obviously because of her young age and my not disciplining her!) and I call her The Monster only affectionately.
It nearly kills my man not being able to see his daughter as much as before, and I would never tell him any of the things I am feeling about this because he doesn't need his heart broken any futher, he needs my support with everything.
But here's the real killer............they still haven't got divorced ! He hates confrontation so much he would rather just brush it under the carpet than deal with it, and his ex is happy because she's still got a part of him which I can't have until she lets me. How long am I supposed to live like this ?