Depression related family problems

[PinkSwoon]

Evening everyone

Take a seat, this is going to be a long one!

My mother has been through a lot in the past 10 years which mostly began when her mum passed away, she plummeted into debt through buying for self-satisfaction, began hiding bills, not going to bed & lots of other weird behaviour. I was only 9 at this time so was too young to understand what was going on. She went to the doctors after being adamant that there were bugs crawling out of her skin. I'm 19 years old now & I'm honestly getting to the point of no return with her, she will argue with me for no reason, tell me I'm a horrible daughter, she's said she wished she'd had 3 boys instead (I have 2 brothers), she always says I needed a good slap when I was younger, she said in front of my 9 year old cousin that she wanted to pour boiling hot water over me and when I bring it up she denies ever saying it, she lies to me about what my family say about me and just today whilst she was arguing with me she said that a few people (including my brothers ex girlfriend who he broke up with when I was about 13 & she was lovely!) have told her that I thought I was better than them, I know the last is a lie because who in the right mind would tell someones mum that? It's almost like her goal in life is to prove me wrong with anything I ever do, she's NEVER happy for me, ever. I've never thought I'm better than someone else, I'm far too insecure & friendly anyway haha

Anyway, it's got to the point now where it's really grinding me down, I don't want to start to believe that I really am a horrible person or that I'm immature. I've told her that I miss my old mum and want her back & said I'd go to the doctors with her, she agreed & said that she wanted to get back to normal (this was a lovely conversation & I thought we were headed in the right direction) but nothing... I can't understand what I've ever done for her to be like this toward me but I'm genuinely starting to question my feelings toward her, if I had a pound for every time I'd cried myself to sleep I'd be a millionaire and the worst thing is my dad is always stuck in the middle as he wants to make us both happy

Wow, a very long story cut short if ever I thought I could haha.
Has anyone else had experiences like this? Any tips on how to deal with it or any organisations? As far as help for my mum, well I know that is a lost cause so I'm just trying to find a way to cope at the minute, not a resolution.

Also any posters please feel free to rant/rave about your pain the ass families too xxx

 

[smallandcute]

bless you i have been there and it isnt nice. by the sounds of it she is so unhappy that she is trying to bring everyone else down to her level of unhappiness. have you tried talking to your dad one to one and asking your brothers on their input and seeing if they can communicate with her about how this is making you feel. if she is that down and not getting any help then maybe contacting her gp would be a good step too. sure your mum may not like it to begin with but once she has had some form of therapy and possibly medication she will she how much you love her and are a good daughter and she will appreciate what you have done for her.

i know its hard but you have to remember its her illness talking, not her and by the sounds of it your dad needs to help her and you seperately and not try and worm his way out of a caring role that you both, he signed up to be a husband and father so needs to be there for the both of you (im not saying your dad is uncaring but to an extent needs to toughen up a bit on both sides and i dont mean this in a harsh way). again im not saying you do this but dont whine to him about your mum just say that you think she needs professional help and be constructive in what you say, dont get too emotional and personal when bringing up the subject of your mum to him.

i promise it will get better when she gets the help that she needs and you will feel better too. hugs x

 

[CHarvey]

I have a close family member with a personality disorder. It sounds to me like this is what your mother is suffering from
I suffered from Severe depression in my late teens and then my early 20s and trust me, I said some truly horrible things. I was a horrible person. A terrible mummy to my eldest daughter. It reached a climax when I was 24 and resulted in a brief hospitalisation, I left my job in a salon, deliberately ditched the Friends I was hanging round with and managed to turn it around with counselling and a new beginning.

Trust me, your mum loves you dearly, but when she is in her bad space it's easier for her to push you away.
Try the MIND charity, they will offer you advice and support and help you understand and empathise with your mum whilst giving you coping strategies xx
You are not on your own with this xx
Ps I talk to anyone and everyone about my experience as you may have noticed as I think it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's no more shaming then a broken leg

 

[PinkSwoon]

Oh gawwwd thankyou ladies for your input, it's so good to hear that other people have dealt with this too, especially you CHarvey as you can see it from the other side too.
I've thought about contacting her GP smallandcute as he knows her history but I'm not sure how to go about it, I know you can write letters and such but would he offer a home visit or something? I've been on the MIND website before but only briefly, thankyou for reminding me I'll have a nosey in a minute! Well done for turning it around It's almost as if my mum can't see what the real problem is, me & my boyfriend are watching Lost at the minute & there was a quote which read 'Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting saner' & it's so true xx

 

[smallandcute]

ring up the surgery that your mums gp is at and ask to speak to them, if they cant then ask for a call back, then explain everything that is going on. it is so hard to ask for help when you are in that state and i really hope her gp helps the both of you x

 

[squidgernetball]

Try and remember that this is not 'normal' behaviour. Would your dad help with a gp referral? I have had a lot of mum problems, and had to keep telling myself
"I can't change how she behaves towards me, but I can change how I react to it". I'm nearly 50 and still lie in bed and night imagining me confronting her, but know I ever will. The problem with mums is that they should love us unconditionally, and sometimes illness, stubborness, depression, alcoholism - whatever it is, gets in the way. My daughter is the same age as you, so as a mum I send you a hug. Hope you can get it sorted x

 

[Beauty_Geek]

Didn't want to read and run. I've been through this with my mum. I could always tell when she wasn't taking her anti depressants as she turned very very nasty. The problem was the pills made her feel better so she was like "oh I'm cured I don't need them anymore" and it was a vicious circle. She turned very nasty whenever I asked if she'd taken her tablets. She used to be quite violent towards me and still is if she gets very angry, but i stand my ground and just tell her im not afraid of her. It's just me and my mum so I found it very difficult. I'm a similar age to you and she has got better. A gp referral will hopefully help. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you get it sorted. Feel free to pm me if you want anyone to talk to.

Lots of love

Xx

 

[THair]

I am getting overly depressed about my family too, I am lost in this world, I dunno what to do either. Its a very hard time.

 

[PinkSwoon]

Thankyou very much Squidgernetball & Beauty_Geek, your stories & advice offer me a lot of comfort in what is a very difficult time as you all know, it's so nice to hear that I'm actually not the only one, especially as it's not a very 'talked about' subject. Thankyou so much x

THair, I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel soon, until then please feel free to vent here

 

[SerenityNailz]

Thankyou very much Squidgernetball & Beauty_Geek, your stories & advice offer me a lot of comfort in what is a very difficult time as you all know, it's so nice to hear that I'm actually not the only one, especially as it's not a very 'talked about' subject. Thankyou so much x

THair, I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel soon, until then please feel free to vent here

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this! It's really struck a cord with me as I've recently been diagnosed with postnatal depression and constantly feel like a bad mum to my little girl who is only 7 months old. Sometimes it's gets so bad that I have to go into another room and just let her cry as I feel like I'm the reason she is crying. Please know that however your mum acts towards you I am sure that she loves you dearly and as people have said its the illness talking and not her. I find myself thinking sometimes that I wish I had never had a baby but remind myself that this is the depression talking and not really me as my daughter was planned and so desperately wanted. I have always suffered with depression and mood disorders unfortunately so I am lucky in the fact that I have access to the right help directly without having to navigate the minefield of GPs and referrals - talk to your mum and tell her what you have told us and and I'm sure it will be the push in the right direction that she needs and that she will get the help she needs. Keep your chin up x x x x

 

[THair]

Thankyou very much Squidgernetball & Beauty_Geek, your stories & advice offer me a lot of comfort in what is a very difficult time as you all know, it's so nice to hear that I'm actually not the only one, especially as it's not a very 'talked about' subject. Thankyou so much x

THair, I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel soon, until then please feel free to vent here

Yeh i hope so too, I literally feel like am going mad because of all the stress of it and the fact that in my eyes am a good daughter, sister, neice to my family but i get treated alot different.

I like being avle to speak on here tho because no one understand whata it loke and i find it hard to try and talk to people like my boyfriend and stuff becauae they just never really understand.

 

[CHarvey]

I think that mental health problems can make you selfish. You feel like your in this bubble and that no body else could possibly understand. You spend so much time focusing on the irrational thoughts, trying to rationalise them that you get caught up.
It does sound to me like your mum is borderline personality disorder or hysteronic/narcissist. Have a look at personality disorders online, there are much much then the comment known Bi Polar. Xx

 

[Beauty_Geek]

Keep your chin up honey xxxxxx remember we're here for you xx

 

[Macoroni]

My sons dad has bi polar before he was on meds he ruined so many lovely times with bad behaviour it was terrible! Much better now he's on meds not perfect but much much better it was killing me even though we weren't together it affected me so much because his behaviour was so unpredictable and I felt so sorry for my son xx

 

[Christine Mary]

I wouldn't think about a mental illness at the outset, start at the beginning, with a talk to the GP, either alone, with your Father, or even with all of you together.
It does seem that she was deeply affected by her mothers death, and in a way, her behaviour towards you is her defence for you, (so you wont feel as devastated as she did), when your mum passes away, so in a way, she is protecting you.
I think another big thing here too could be the menopause, believe me, it can lead you to think and believe many odd things.

Step by step, start at the bottom and eliminate things one by one and the answer will come.

It will all become clear, and you will have a wonderful relationship with your mum again.

 

[sarahpoppy24]

Hi there, I think you should make a doctors appointment for yourself, explain what is going on at home and ask them what they can do for you. See what they suggest and go from there. Also is your mum at the age to be menopausal. I found with people I know who have similar problems to your mum that the hormonal
Changes are just too much to cope with as it effects some people's mental health really badly. I really feel for you and I think that YOU need support through this too. You are so young and being ground down bye life when you should be enjoying your youth must be really hard. I hope you are ok, go and make an appointment Monday and tell them what's going on at home xxxx

 

[wombats]

I can't offer any advice that hasn't already been given, but I just wanted to say I wish you all the best, and to say I'm sorry that you're going through difficult times.

I have depression myself. It's about as bad as it's ever been, options seem to be fewer and far between, and I feel so lost and without hope.

I've also seen it in my parents.

It's a rough ride for all involved, and no-one should have to deal with it alone. Take care.

 

[Kim Lawless]

Wow! What a lovely daughter you are. You could have done a runner and left her to get on with it.

I'm no doctor and she really needs professional help. Sounds like bi-polar or as has been said, some kind of personality disorder.

With the right medication and and counselling, you could get your old mum back very soon. Go and see the GP on your own first and then get your mum to go with you.

I know it's hard but please don't believe one word of those horrible things your mum says. She really doesn't mean it and some professionals would say that she's really talking about herself.

Keep your chin up xx

 

[gillian w]

I wouldn't think about a mental illness at the outset, start at the beginning, with a talk to the GP, either alone, with your Father, or even with all of you together.
It does seem that she was deeply affected by her mothers death, and in a way, her behaviour towards you is her defence for you, (so you wont feel as devastated as she did), when your mum passes away, so in a way, she is protecting you.
I think another big thing here too could be the menopause, believe me, it can lead you to think and believe many odd things.

Step by step, start at the bottom and eliminate things one by one and the answer will come.

It will all become clear, and you will have a wonderful relationship with your mum again.

Yes could be the menopause.I definately have my moments and think what the hells wrong with me today.
I remember one of my friends was an absolute cow for a few years her daughter and husband used to get terribly upset with things
she would say and do. She became a lot better on HRT and checking her diet.There are obviously different degrees of it same as with PMS but a blood test at the docs can check her hormone levels to see if it might be the problem.

 

[Christine Mary]

So true Gillian. After I had my hysterectomy I suddenly became the woman from hell, and I honestly mean that, and there have been some very difficult times when I've thought some things that I've been ashamed of, it's as though the devil takes hold of you!

That time has more or less gone now, I just suffer with the hot sweats that have returned with a vengeance.

Blimey, don't men get it easy, unless their on the end of a truly menopausal woman!!!